Be Phenomenal or Be Forgotten.

[jeffumoffu]

Doubt

Goku: "Look at me, son. Tell me something: when Cell and I were fighting back there, did you have trouble keeping up? I mean, was there any moment where we were moving too fast for you to see?" 

Gohan: "No. I could see it all… But that's because you and Cell weren't fighting at your full power. I'm sure that if you were moving as fast as you could, then—" 

Goku: "I don't know about Cell, son, but I was giving it my all. The only reason you thought I was holding back… was because you were comparing the energy you sensed from me to your own." 

 Piccolo: "…Is this true, Gohan?!" 

 Gohan: "…Yes…"

It’s been years since I first saw this episode. When I was a kid, a lot of things flew past me. To this day as an adult, I’m still finding little dialogue gems in the series. I watched the Kai version of this scene and the overall messages from both versions are the same. Gohan legitimately thought Goku was holding back based on his own perspective of what Goku’s full power should be. Gohan would never believe that he’s stronger than his dad, so he assumes that the fight wasn’t at full power. However, the only way that Gohan can gauge how much power his dad is putting out...is to compare it his own. So if Gohan is comparing Goku’s power to his own, and believes that he was holding back, then Gohan’s full power is definitely much higher since Goku was indeed going all out. 

Gohan just wouldn’t let himself believe that he was stronger than his dad. He also wouldn’t let himself believe that he could defeat Cell. This was the initial struggle until Gohan transforms into Super Saiyan 2. Then the doubt comes back one last time after his arm gets injured and has to go into a Kamehameha battle with a powered-up Cell. 

I relate a lot with Gohan which is why this scene resonates with me. Having so much potential, yet not believing in it. I look at my own life and wonder how much success and what opportunities did I let pass me by because I didn’t believe that I was enough. 

[kushandwisdom]

[kushandwizdom]

More picture quotes here

[jeffumoffu]

My old posts come in handy lol

[eltonhjohn]

[jeffumoffu]

Relevant right now

[jeffumoffu]

A Moment that Touched Me

I have so many things to say about graduation, from leading up to it and what’s next, but there is one thing that touched me today. Just thinking about it makes me cry because I find it so beautiful. It’s now forever burned into my memory.

So post-ceremony, I’m walking around looking for friends to take pictures with. I bump into Dang. Dang is a shy introverted guy. Doesn’t really put himself out there, but he has put 1000% of his effort to show up to dance classes and learn. But still super shy. So I saw him, and he asked to take a picture. Then I saw his mom. She looked so happy and enthusiastic to take that picture. I could feel how happy she was for him. But it looked like it was just the two of them. And while I was searching for others, my brother helped take pictures of them. Again, in the corner of my eye I watch this. It didn’t fully hit me yet, but it seems that it was really just Dang and his mom. And his mom didn’t speak good English and she was pretty old. I just keep remembering that joyous look on her face as she tries to take a picture of Dang and I with her smartphone. The combination of her struggling to work her phone and her looking so happy to take pictures of her son with friends....just hits me hard as fuck in the feelz. 

I don’t know hard facts, but the imagery looked so beautiful to me. A mother that came out by herself to support her son on his big day. A mother dealing with a huge crowd in a chaotic environment, to witness a milestone in her son’s journey. A mother trying her hardest to give her son the best life that she can, no matter what. I guess the pain hits me because I start asking myself, “What am I taking for granted?”

My mom was so happy for me today. Most days it’s the regular cycle of negativity, but today was different. Today she lit up in a way that I haven’t seen for years, while I’m over here worrying about superficial shit...forgetting the one who’s always happy for my big achievements. I hate how things are at home because I become so disconnected from my parents so that I don’t end up being more broken than I already am. Deep down they want what every parent wants, to be a proud parent and give their children everything they need for a better life. I lose track of that, and I focus on the hate. Today, my parents expressed how proud they were in the best way they know how. The hardest part of being their son, is learning how to identify how they show affection, no matter how contradictory their actions. I’ve cried enough for tonight, but this was something I didn’t want to forget. 

[jeffumoffu]

“Don’t be inhibited. It’s better to take a nihilistic attitude toward sensitive subjects than to pussyfoot around taboos. When writing, write freely. Make uninhibited assumptions. Editing and self-censorship are second and third steps — never the first!”

[jeffumoffu]

“If you ever want change in your life, if you ever want to grow and learn, if you ever want to become something that you’ve always dreamed of becoming, you need to understand the importance of that single moment of hesitation.

Look forward to those moments. Pay those moments the respect that they deserve. Live your life however you want to live it, but understand that fortune favors the bold, and wisdom is only awarded through failure.”

[jeffumoffu]

"Nurture your abilities. Don't question your qualities, because you need to know that you're damn good enough and it's everyone else's fault if they can’t see that.”

It was good to read that again

[jeffumoffu]

10/2/16

My mom’s physical health is going down.

Today she held on to me with her head snuggled into my chest. I’ve never seen her like this before. And all I could do was reciprocate the hug. But the fear she had in her eyes...

All I could do was think about the inevitable time when she’s no longer here. And as I searched deep within for a solution. I found nothing because how the hell do you deal with that?! And is it too early to think like this? Just because she might have a few more years, does that mean I should dismiss that moment we had? 

And all the pain between us, the arguments, the words said...the hate. What do I do about that? Life has a funny way of making me stronger, then presenting to me shit like this. I never really catch a break.

[jeffumoffu]

Right Now

If there was ever a time I wanted to numb the pain, it would be right now. At this very moment in time, I’m full of hate and anyone within proximity is susceptible to being the target of that hate.

[latristesseavf]

I don't know what it's like to be you, but I do know you have the power of will to accomplish your dreams, cliche, but it's true. School's hard, but you gotta power through it and don't give up. If you wouldn't give up in a wrestling match, why give up in another life situation? Yeah I'm assuming what's going on, but I wanna help a friend out because I wouldn't be one if I didn't wanna see you happy. As long as you're breathing in the next minute, you have a chance to take on the world.

Thanks Anon, I really appreciate it. I’m not giving up, I’m not even close. I’m struggling and the quality of my work has declined. The disappointing things I see in my work, and not knowing how to improve these things are taking a toll on me and I’ve become frustrated and weary.Like I said that, I haven’t given up. I’m putting in the hours at the library, I’m still experimenting with different study habits, in fact, I might be trying harder right now than I was earlier in the semester when my grades were still good.

Thanks again though, I’m grateful for your encouragement.

[jeffumoffu]

SURPRISE! I was the anon here lol. Studying for finals makes me look up random things, so I looked for some of the anon stuff I posted on people’s tumblrs. It’s amazing to see the differences between my mindset 4 years ago and my current one. Tough times have made me more cynical and negative, but hey…as long as I’m breathing in the next minute, I have a chance to take on the world :) audricvsfood

[jeffumoffu]

My Tumblr

I look at my tumblr and I wonder why I even have one. Reblogs are fun and I find a lot of funny shit here. But I guess I still have a story to tell and...I love telling it.

[jeffumoffu]

Feeling Alive

My biggest weakness was the need to please everyone. I could have thousands of approvals, but all it takes is that one disapproval to ruin my day. 

Nowadays, it’s different. I’m more understanding of reality and I’m more okay with the haters in the crowd. Hell, they’re probably not haters. They’re just people who don’t understand and that’s completely fine. 

The hardest part of this whole process is believing in it. I have so many voices discouraging my path, and sometimes I find my own voice agreeing with them. But this! This is the grind! This is the time to be strong! 

It’s come to the point that I can count on my fingers the number of people who are supporting me emotionally and mentally.  It comes with the journey and this is just something that has to happen. I got the vibe that people don’t want to associate with me as I gracefully experiment a fuck ton, fuck shit up, and make some of the craziest decisions ever. It took a while, but I’m okay with that and I understand. I know it’s not out of maliciousness. The cool thing is that I get to experience all this and learn lessons that most people won’t. After all, it’s my vision so why wouldn’t I benefit from making it a reality? It’s something that only I can see, because no one else is doing it like me. My goal of becoming the best version of myself can’t simply be compartmentalized or tossed into a box. The only way to understand what I’m going through is to actually be going through it with me. Maybe others can grasp an idea, but even that’s temporary, because I’m always changing. It’s not that I’m better than anyone, I believe we’re all equally deserving of respect for our decisions in life. It’s just...whoever wants to sail with me, then sail with me as we endure Mother Nature’s rough seas to find true paradise, or at least an island with good food.

Reminds me of being the guy who knew martial arts in my years of mandatory schooling. I was never understood. People tried to relate to me, but their experiences only consisted of months. Maybe even a year or two. But no one had as much years as I did nor the blazing fire I had to improve. I felt alone and was left questioning if what I was doing...was even worth doing at all. By the time I found people who understood me, I had already fallen off the boat, desperately holding on by the tips of my fingers. I wish I kept going strong and continued to believe that I’d find out where I belong, but no...I gave up. I will not make that mistake this time. 

[jeffumoffu]

Mother-Son

My mom gave me an unusual pep talk this afternoon in our kitchen. I couldn’t quite pinpoint where the motivation was coming from, but I felt that my pain was briefly acknowledged when she said “You need to live away from us, you’re not going to be happy here.” Of course this was mixed in with biased opinions and condescending comments, but it was definitely a form of support that I’ve always needed.

Beneath all the..

scorning..

insults..

judgments..

hate..

tactics to shift our loyalty towards you over Dad..

I know you still want me to grow up happy. I know that you might not ever admit that you are also part of the problem, but as the awesome son that I am, I understand why things are the way they are. 

I’m gonna make it.

[sandandglass]

[theinturnetexplorer]

Psychological tricks to make people do what you want.

[johnnyswo0ps]

@rrrogerthattt conversation conditioning whenever you said “yeah yeah”

[jeffumoffu]

A Little More Proud

Wisdom sometimes takes the fun out of things. I’m still pretty young at a plump 23 age, but maturing mentally and emotionally really makes me miss the bliss of being 17-21 (somewhere there) years old.

I’m full of gratitude towards my new found self, but in the deep recesses of my mind lies this wondering thought looking to be tamed..

That I should’ve pursued this intensive self-discovery when I was in my late teens because I would’ve learned how worthwhile I am a lot sooner. And I’m still learning.

[homofauxbic]

give a man some salsa and you feed him for a day. teach a man to salsa and you can probably hook him up with some hot latina girls or something idk