Stumbling Through

All about life and love as seen through my warped brain...

[jenascript-blog]

Letter to My Sons

Dear sons,

You wandered into the room today and I turned the TV off.  The blank screen was a better alternative to having you see another black citizen killed by a police officer or a deranged sniper picking off cops in Dallas.  I’d rather you not live in fear that a terrorist will claim our lives while we are out living them.  I don’t want you to see the way our presidential candidates are lying to scare people or using seemingly illegitimate means to land the most powerful position in our country.  

But these things are happening all around us.  Maybe I can explain some of it so that your clean hands, unsoiled moral compasses, your unfettered imaginations and loving, open hearts can get to work on finding the answers from which our cynicism and fear keep us.

You know how many of your stories have good guys and bad guys?  And that the good guys always win?  Well, in real life it is not always easy to figure out who is bad and who is good.  Most people are both.  Sometimes good people make bad choices.  And even people who make a lot of bad choices may still have some good in them.  In real life everyone has a story of their own; we don’t know that story unless we make a point of learning it.  It would be easier if every person was either good or bad, but that is not the way life works.

Right now, many people are scared and angry.  They have problems that are too big for them to solve on their own.  When you have a problem that you can’t solve, what do you do?  Ask for help?  Well, these people don’t feel like there is anyone that is willing to help them.  And so their problems go unsolved and get worse.  They get angry and frustrated because they are not getting the help they need.  

When anger builds up inside, people feel the need to direct it somewhere.  So they decide that the problem is someone’s fault.  While that does not solve anything, it makes them feel better to think that a particular group of people is to blame. Once they decide that a group of people is bad, they can feel okay about treating them badly.

If this is happening over and over again, how many problems do you think actually get solved?  Not many.   People who are angry sometimes have a hard time listening to each other.  And if you can’t listen, it is hard to find answers to problems.

I don’t want you to watch the news.  But I do want you to remember every day that every human being has a story and that each of us is both good and bad.  I want you to look at this world and know in your hearts that you can change it. The world needs what you’ve been learning since your earliest days.  The lessons of sharing, compromise and compassion that have helped you make friends; understanding your impact on the lives around you and knowing that you can accomplish so much more when you work as a team – those lessons will prepare you to mend what we’ve broken over many generations.  In the meantime, I hope that this world’s grown-ups can reclaim the hopefulness, cooperation and sense of community that can foster our healing as a nation.

Love to you always~ Mom

[jenascript-blog]

Living for Today

In my preteen and teen years, I was obsessed with the apocalypse.  After navigating through some challenging personal circumstances, I thought that if I read prophecies that I might be able to see what was coming.  I would worry in advance, thinking that process would prepare me to navigate the inevitable catastrophes coming my way.   Kinda morbid, right?  It’s the ultimate in self-fulfilling prophecies, though.  When something bad finally did happen, I could take comfort in the fact that I was right to prepare.  An anxiety-ridden, risk-averse and totally miserable inner world, but at least I had my self-righteousness in tact.  ☺

That person was so busy nurturing pain and building walls around herself that she couldn’t appreciate the new friend who was trying to reach her or the boy that treated her well in hopes of a long-term attachment.  I couldn’t see new opportunities for love, only the potential for pain.  And not only pain I would feel, but pain I felt destined to deliver.  Loss and failed relationships left me feeling damaged and I can remember pushing people away to avoid becoming their ground zero.  I loved them too much to be the source of their future pain.   How odd that I could simultaneously think I’m all-powerful in some ways and completely powerless in others.

There’s a common thread in that story, though – the relentless focus on the past and future and complete disregard for the present moment.  If you think about it, the present moment is the only real point in time.  The past is gone; those moments have already been ‘lived.’   The only way you can keep living them is to resurrect them daily in the way you think about your life.  My parents have passed on, but does being an ‘orphan’ have to be the operating system running in the background of every day?  Or can I re-write that script to focus on the remaining family members and the family that I’ve created out of deep friendships?  HUGE difference in those two narratives - one is tragic  (focused on the past) and one grateful (the present), but they are both real and true.

It took me a long time to realize that the way I look at my life (and myself) matters.  I haven’t mastered my outlook yet, but I can usually see when I need a re-boot.  It’s time to let go a bit and focus on the breath I’m taking as I write this and on the beauty of this moment, which wasn’t promised, but was gifted to me.  

[thelorelais]

[jenascript-blog]

Can’t wait until the revival!

[jenascript-blog]

Love Letters

I am a hopeless romantic, but maybe not in the traditional sense.  I’ve loved a lot of people in my life – yeah, of course there were boyfriends a long time ago, but I mean every kind of love.  Family members, friends, even acquaintances with whom I’ve shared a special experience or a memorable time in my life will always hold my affection, as if the experience of knowing them marked me. And I carry that mark and the feelings attached to those people forever in my heart.   In the land of forever, time is without meaning.  If anything, time lends kindness to my memories.

I believe that your path connects to others’ paths at some points and then diverges at other points in time and that separation is not always a bad thing. Sometimes life builds space and obstacles between you and other people to make room for new experiences & life lessons.  If you’re meant to reconnect, you will.  Changing perspective, a life event or even just missing someone will give you the fuel you need to spark your connection again.

But unlike the ‘forever’ that exists in my heart (and hopefully in yours), time in the real world marches on and there is such a thing as a missed opportunity. So, if you have something to say, say it.  What’s the worst that can happen?  

[books-n-quotes]

If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me…And I don’t want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it, too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me.

Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Get the FREE Kindle Reading App

(via books-n-quotes)

[justalilblondemama-deactivated2]

Accidental personal injuries are absolutely the worst. “Oh, how did you do that?” “Well, frankly, I’m an idiot.”

[jenascript-blog]

Omigod - this is so me!  My injury stories are completely ridiculous... 

[mentalflossr]

Relax Beside a Flaming Death Star With This ‘Star Wars’-Inspired Fire Pit

[jenascript-blog]

Maybe if I wish hard enough...

[yoursummerdreamz]

[jenascript-blog]

I have to get out more...

[dmbsmsn-deactivated20170530]

You are so busy being you that you have no idea how utterly unprecedented you are.

Augustus Waters (The Fault In Our Stars)

...ALL the feels on this one...

[books-n-quotes]

I don’t know when we’ll see each other again or what the world will be like when we do. We may both have seen many horrible things. But I will think of you every time I need to be reminded that there is beauty and goodness in the world.

Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha

Get the FREE Kindle Reading App

(via books-n-quotes)

[girlfrog-deactivated20160728]

ok. i blame the maid. SHE showed my how this could be done. ohhh suzette! happy friday! 

[jenascript-blog]

I just love him!!!

[jenascript-blog]

Wishing the Days Away

Have you ever wished whole days away?  Wished to fast forward because life was too hard or you were too tired or sick, and thinking that a day in the future might suit you better?  That there would be less pain that future day or that maybe there would be happiness if only you could get to that imagined future spot.

I totally get that.  If I’m being honest, I’ve wished days away… I’ve probably wished months or even years away.  Now that I’m 40+ (and in a particularly reflective mood), the gravity of that really hits home.  When you realize that potentially half your life is over, you really start to think about the remaining time.

I wrote this on a Thursday.  On that day, I wished that the following day didn’t exist.  I actually wished-away a Friday.  And then I thought about how sad it was that I felt that way.  

For some reason, feeling sad about feeling sad (yes, it’s a thing!) triggered a memory.  When I was 2 months old, I had bacterial spinal meningitis.  I was truly deathly ill for two months with that illness.  My parents cried over my hospital bed.  They despaired and prayed for me to have a future.  Something tells me that they weren’t thinking about colleges or husbands or kids.  They prayed for my next breath and every breath that happened between those terrifying moments and the moment that I’m typing this.  

So now I feel like an idiot… wishing away these moments that I almost wasn’t granted.  If you think about it, the mid life crisis is a fallacy based on the odds - the odds that you’ll live to one age or to another.  The reality is that none of us know when the middle is or when the end will be.  For all we know we could be much closer to the epilogue than we think, so maybe it’s not the best idea to wish the pages away.   

In any case, if anyone’s reading this I hope this chapter of your life is awesome and that you think I’m crazy for even having these thoughts. But if life is not awesome right now, just know that this page is the plot device that’s taking you to your next adventure.