
JBB: An Artblog!
One Nice Bug Per Day

Janaina Medeiros
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@jeremyascott
[Jade’s smile grows even brighter, and her eyes sparkle as she jumps up and down excitedly.] Oh, a present! Gimme gimme gimme!
Okay, um... Uh... [ Jeremy desperately thinks of ways to backpedal. This seems like a terrible idea all of a sudden, really dreadful, and he wonders why he thought of it at all. The first thing to do is fumble for words because if he just handed it over, he could think of one way in particular in which the gift could be misconstrued ] I-it's a... it's nothing really, I just wanted to, uh... what it is... [ By this point Jeremy is frustrated with his own stuttering. It's not like he's asking her to marry him, but he's terrified she might laugh at him or think this is too much ] I got you a p-promise ring because I want you to know that I mean it when I say I'm not going to leave you whatever happens. I want to be with you, and I-I really love you, so um, yeah, this is... a promise that I'm always going to be here for you.
[ Before he can ramble on any further, Jeremy forces himself to shut up. If he didn't, he'd probably ramble on for another twenty minutes and embarrass himself more, if that was even possible. He felt like an idiot as he fumbled in his pocket for the box, a complete idiot; because he wasn't yet nineteen and yet here he was giving his girlfriend a ring, albeit not the most serious sort, and making promises that three months ago he surely wouldn't have had the emotional maturity for. In fact, he might still not. There's those doubts in his mind, always, questioning what he's doing and telling him he's probably wrong. The best he can do is hope. Hope that Jade understands what he's getting at and that he has only the naivest, most pure intentions. The ring, that is brought out with the last few stumbles of his words, is simple but (Jeremy hopes) beautiful. It's just a small diamond on a silver band, with an even tinier emerald flanking it on either side, and it slides easily onto the middle finger of Jade's left hand; maybe a little too easily, but he hadn't known what size to get. He's glad he chose one with emeralds, because they make Jade's eyes look greener and her hair look redder and he really, really, really hopes that she doesn't mind that his palms have gone a bit sweaty as he touches her small hand to put the ring on. ]
[Annie is  walking slowly- in no hurry to get to any place in particular- when she spots the ginger-haired boy towards the end of the hallway, the one she hasn’t seen for a while. He’s holding a door for someone, it looks like. But he’s looking at her. Why is he looking at Annie? Oh. Oh god, is he holding it for her? But she doesn’t need to go that way! But it would be impolite to have made him stand there for so long only to not go through the door…!
The small girl is still panicking inwardly at the decision when she reaches the still-held door, and she pauses hesitantly before him to hear his rambling explanation. She winces as the door hits his foot, and she catches at it before it can hit her, bracing the heavy door on one small hand for but a moment before she lets it swing gently closed. The cuts on her palm sting, but she can’t help smiling, almost laughing a little at their situation- despite her own humiliation.] N-No, you don’t h-have to be sorry! I should have s-said something, or…something. Don’t b-boil your head, I’d imagine that would h-hurt quite a bit.
Said something? Wh... oh god, you aren't even going this way, are you? [  Jeremy cringes, internally and also a bit externally. Why do these things never happen to anyone else? Or at the very least, why can he not just laugh and move on with his life like others would? This is the sort of situation he knows he'll remember for years and recoil mid-conversation as the memory strikes him once more. His capacity for embarrassment is pitifully low, and he really wishes the ground would swallow him whole ]
Still tense even now, hey? [He smirks] Even with Jade in the picture? Maybe you’re not taking full advantage of the whole having a girlfriend thing.Â
I know what you mean, I s’pose. Been here long enough that it’s home in a strange sorta fucked up way, isn’t it? [he chuckles] But I’m glad you’re alright and it’s good to see you again, love. And I’m… fine. Fine as ever, thank you.
That, um, isn't... I've been away for weeks so we, er... I just, yeah. It's good to hear you're doing well. Or a bit devastating, I don't know. I half hoped Belvedere would crumble without my presence, what with me being such a social butterfly glueing all the patients together and stuff. [ Derrick manages to make more innuendoes than Jade, and it makes it very challenging to concentrate on conversations without getting flustered ]
[Derrick laughs, and it’s a delight to see Jeremy’s face. That scattering of freckles that blanket his sweet expression, large eyes that flutter from place to place, unable to stay anywhere too long without creating a flush that blends into those dusted cheeks. He throws him a smile as he approaches him, and wraps an arm around his shoulder, pulling him into his side for a friendly squeeze.]
You, sir, are way too tense, [he teases] Calm yourself, love, and don’t boil you’re head. You’d be far less cuter. It’s good to see you mate. How are you?
[ Jeremy flushes, first from the arm around his shoulder and then the compliment that follows. He wishes he had the capability to respond to these things like a normal eighteen year old, but keeping his cool was never really a strong suit and positive attention from guys that were, quite honestly, a great deal cooler than him was rare. At school he'd always been the new kid, which meant nobody ever paid too much attention to him. Derrick's someone that he really looks up to, the sort of figure that Jeremy might have been in another life: intelligent, confident, and witty. But that had never been him; that had been James ] Um, sorry. If it helps, I've been far too tense for almost nineteen years now so it isn't anything personal. But I'm, um, I'm... good. Yeah. I've been away for a few weeks because of some... family things, but it's surprisingly un-depressing coming back here. I forgot I was actually coming to sort of like it here... How about you? How have you been?
All I want is my copy of Anna Karenina. But there’s no one to bring it to me. Figures. Thanks a lot Dad. [She sighs, eyes rolling, as she leans up against the wall.]
You sort of get used to being without the things you want, after you've been here a while.
[When Jade sits here, all by herself, she can almost feel him next to her. She can pretend his fingertips are just a hair’s breadth away from her own. Lost in her thoughts, she doesn’t notice the real Jeremy until he’s standing in front of her. Her eyes go wide, and if she were a different kind of crazy she’d be concerned she was hallucinating. But she knows she’s not, as Jade takes his hand and stands, jumping into his arms. She hadn’t realized how much she’d missed him until now. Jade has never needed glasses. Neither has Theo or her mother. But they say when people get glasses for the first time and see the leaves on the trees, it’s only then that they realize what they’ve been missing. She stands on tiptoe and gives him a soft kiss. She doesn’t want to get carried away, not today. When they part she flashes him a mischievous grin.] Not really. I forgot all about you.
If I told you I got you a present, would that refresh your memories a little? [ He brushes the hair out of Jade's face, because she's so close it tickles his own cheeks and because he wants to see her properly again, without the lack of focus that comes with standing too close, or the tendrils of red hair that serve to hide her from him. In fact, Jeremy had been planning on waiting a little longer before he gave Jade her present. His natural tendency towards procrastination and anxiety made it so, and presents are much the worst; you never know if the recipient will like it. But nerves win out, as they so often do with Jeremy, and he blurts it out before he can stop himself ]Â
[ Jade had grown less difficult to find over the months they had known each other, and he's glad to see that at least that hasn't changed. She's there, as he had hoped, sitting at the end of the corridor where the light falls in elegant strips across the floor; an image that manages to be warm even in the chill of November sunlight, but then maybe that was just Jade's presence. He nudges her foot with his own, offering a hand to help her stand from her position seated on the floor. The greeting he chirrups is relaxed and bright, the wry pseudo-confidence that everyone knows is a quiet boy trying not to make others uncomfortable with his own lack of confidence, but the goofy grin on his face betrays the fact that he's anything but relaxed ] Hello. Miss me?
[ Manners are the sort of thing that are very thoroughly bred into some people, and Jeremy is included in that group. He always says please and thank you, always leaves a room as he finds it, always holds doors for people... But this time he's misjudged the length of the corridor by a terrifying stretch. Oh god. Oh god. They're still walking, and he's still standing there like an absolute tit and it's way too late to just let the door close and carry on but now he's going to have to... oh fuck ] I'm so sorry, that was horrifying. I don't know whether I feel more sorry for myself for being such an idiot or you for having to put up with it, um... [ He fumbles, dropping his grip on the door and flinching as it hits his foot. ] You can just, er, carry on with your life now and I'll go and... boil my head, or... something...
Heavy Water || Self Para
She was so much taller than he had remembered; that was the first thing Jeremy noticed as his sister threw her arms around him. Shot up like a little beanstalk, and it made him sad. The world carried on growing and changing and evolving always, as he and the others remained stuck, as if in mud, at Belvedere. They went nowhere, always chasing their tails it seemed, and any progress was simply cosmetic. If the improvements Jeremy had made were truly anything more than cosmetic, he would be allowed out properly and not just for a few weeks.
But they were sad thoughts, the broken soliloquies of a sad boy that Jeremy wearied of. Now with the cold November sun on his skin and a true sky, not that which filtered in through the caged air around the hospital, he made an effort to be cheery. It was less difficult than he might have imagined; Cassie was there and she smiled bravely, and his mother, too; her smile a little paler, a little tighter. Her husband was a monster, but that wasn't enough to make her fall out of love. Though the marriage had been a convenience for both sides of the family, they did love one another really. She more than he, perhaps, but they were undoubtedly in love.Â
It was worrying, almost, how little time she spent with them. They had taken to a hotel, naturally five star because old habits die hard and the Ascotts knew nothing else, even if it was a little odd without the patriarch there to lead them. They felt directionless; father in prison awaiting his court case, eldest brother dead. Jeremy supposed that made him the head of the family, but it didn't feel right somehow. He never had been a leader.
Though the role seemed to be thrust upon him, almost: their mother disappeared into the bathroom, enveloped in the warm, clean scent of perfumed talc to bathe, and refused any requests for dinner. It became apparent that she would not take food, and so Jeremy led Cassie down to the hotel's restaurant where the food was billed to their room.
Are you scared?
No. A bit, maybe. Not really.
You're a terrible liar. It's okay, really. I'm scared.
I'm a fucking good liar, actually. Good enough that I got away without doing my homework maybe three times already this term.
Cassie! Don't fucking swear at the table. - A grin, then, and Jeremy catapulted a pea at his younger sister from his silver fork - And I hope three times is all it is. Don't grow up into a filthy degenerate like me, no A levels and just loafing around going nowhere.
Oh, you're going places, Jem. Like the wedding chapel. With your g-i-r-l-f-r-i-e-n-d, who is still so incredibly out of your league by the by. -She stuck her pointy little tongue out as Jeremy spluttered, trying not to choke on his water as the other patrons stared. At eighteen and thirteen, they were by far the youngest in the room- And if you throw any more peas at me, I'm telling mum you were being mean. So there.
You're such a rat! I don't have to put up with this, you know. There's plenty I could tease you about, but I don't, being the mature human being that I am.
I'm very mature for my age. Precocious. My report card said that and everything.
Didn't it also say you had the loudest voice in the room and were in the habit of arguing with anyone and everyone?
Shut up. I hate you.
Love you too, Cass.
By the time they returned to the sanctuary of their hotel room, their mother was asleep. Jeremy wondered vaguely whether she was depressed; or whether his mind was led there only because he was surrounded by clipboard diagnoses every day for what must be seven or eight months.
The rest of the night was spent stretched out on the sofa with numb legs because Cassie decided the only comfortable seat was across Jeremy's shins, watching scary films to distract themselves from the more abject fear that would come in the following days.
Would it be trouble if they knew? I’m trying hard to make you see, All that you are is all that I need. I know that it’s a secret, And that I gotta keep it, But I want the lights on, Yeah, I want the lights on And I don’t want to run any more Leave the lights on, leave the lights on.
Jade,
I wish I could say this in person because it feels horribly rude just shoving a note under your door, but it’s 6am and I thought you might not appreciate my waking you up. But I want you to know first of all, that there’s nothing to worry about because I’m fine.
The thing is that I have to go for a few weeks. Nobody’s really explained much to me but my father’s been taken into custody for child abuse and I need to testify in court because he’s got thousands of pounds worth of lawyers defending him. I’m really frightened, actually. Not sure how I’m going to manage at all. You know how I stutter when you make me nervous? Multiply that by a thousand and you get an idea of how terrible a public speaker I am. What if I try to say duck and accidentally say fuck instead? That’s exactly the sort of thing that would happen to me. I wish you could come; I think I’d be less nervous with you there. Are you rolling your eyes right now? I bet you’re rolling your eyes.
Oh god, you know someone’s nervous when they manage to burble in a bloody letter. Sorry.
I’m going to be in London, staying with Cassie and mum, so that’s a silver lining at least. I think… I don’t know, I think it’s good. It’s probably awful to be relieved that your father got arrested but I feel so much happier knowing that Cassie’s safe. I hope she’s happier too.
I can’t write much more, but look after yourself while I’m away. I’ll be worrying the whole time, so remember to, you know, eat breakfast and brush your teeth and all of that. I can’t win; when I’m here I worry about my family, and when I’m there I worry about you. Wish me luck,
Love, Jeremy XOX
P.S. Did you know that X is a kiss because it represents two lips connecting? In a very angular sort of way but still. I always thought that was interesting.
Pretty if the sun won't shine, I'll be coming out to meet you, I'll be there to make you mine.
You're pretty if the rain will pour, I'll be knocking at your window, I'll be begging you for more.Â
You're a cutie if it all falls through, We can piece it back together, I can learn to trust you too.
You're just too good to lose, And I can't refuse So don't make me choose between the two. I'm fed up in here In my atmosphere. Don't you know who you are? You're my shooting star
Oh it’s not that sorry I’m just… adjusting to all this new stuff you know? And like I said, it was mostly my fault… I wasn’t paying attention.
[Sage is so up and down, angry and then taking the blame, that he isn't quite sure what to do] Um... right. Yeah. It... takes a while to settle in here but I'm sure you'll manage. Or, well... I don't know, maybe that's a bad thing to say around here, like I hope asylum life comes naturally to you. The best you can do is hope not to stay too long, I think.