The tale as old as time... of a boy and a woman and their mutual disdain for each other while a man who dresses as a Bat enjoys the show...
Talia: Bruce, give up your code—
Robin!Dick (11 at the time): No.
Talia: Bruce, it’s in your best interest to ki—
Robin!Dick (answering again for Batman): He said no.
Talia (annoyed): I simply think you could benefit from using more lethal—
Robin!Dick (jumping in front of Bruce): No, no, no, a thousand noes! The number of no’s could rival the Tower of Babel. No! No, Medusa! The answer is no!
Talia glared at the young sidekick. He smiled sweetly and then raised his index finger.
Robin!Dick (calm tone): …No.
Batman: You heard me. I’m going to say it again for emphasis — Robin.
Robin!Dick (singing): No!
Robin chuckled with a sinister smile as his father patted him on the head.
Talia (glaring at the child): Does this spoiled brat have to be here?
Batman: Yes. He’s giving you my usual answer. Thank you, Robin.
Robin smiled and nodded. He stuck his tongue out at Talia; she glared at him, clearly wanting to strike him. Batman noticed her anger and gently shooed her away.
Batman: You can go now. You got your answer.
Talia stormed off, shouting that she’d get rid of Robin without killing him.
-----------------------------
Many years later…
Robin!Dick (12 years old): Batman, why is it that when you visit Talia, you come back with odd scratches and your wrists look like someone tied you up?
Batman (drinking coffee): You’ll understand when you’re older.
Robin!Dick: Are you fighting her?
Batman: That’s… the best word choice here.
Robin!Dick: Oh, I totally get that, especially with someone as yucky as Talia. Who wins?
Batman: Oh, Robin… I win every time.
Robin nodded, completely unaware that his father was referring to sex.
-----------------------------------------
Talia: My father is the greatest, bravest, most intelligent man, and you will not insult him!
Robin!Dick (13): The man has the charisma of a Taco Bell buffet. All you get is diarrhea!
Talia: You wanna go, kid? I’ll hit a teenager; I don’t give a fuck!
Batman (threatening monotone): Touch him, and I’ll beat you and your father.
Talia (whining, pointing at the teenager): He started it!
Robin!Dick: I’m just an innocent teen speaking my truth.
Batman: He hasn’t said anything wrong.
Ra’s walked over, having overheard the conversation.
Talia: Father, he called you a Taco Bell buffet!
Ra’s: Yes. Clever insult, child.
Talia growled in anger and stormed off, dragging her father out by the arm.
-----------------------------
When Dick found out what Bruce meant by “fighting” Talia, after his own sexual experiences with women like Starfire and Batgirl…
Dick rested in bed with Kori, sighing happily, slightly sore but in a good way.
Dick: Oh my God… That’s what he meant by fighting her. Ew.
Kori: What’s wrong?
Dick: It just clicked... my dad was definitely having sex with Talia during those visits.
Kori: Oh, sweet Zol. You had that moment? It passes, trust me, I’ve been there.
Dick sighed, covering his eyes.
Kori: French toast for breakfast?
Dick: That sounds fantastic. Also, Talia sucks.
Kori (joking): In more ways than one.
-----------------------------
Many more years later when Nightwing and his dad weren't on good terms…
Talia: It took some time, but it seems Bruce will be mine.
Nightwing chuckled dryly at first, then burst into a cackle, pointing at Talia as if she were a clown.
Talia: What do you find amusing?
Nightwing: Oh nothing big just… you think he wants to be with you? Oh, Tali, you’re just the rebound, booty call, who he calls when he needs bail money, you're there until something better comes along. Let me guess, shot in the dark, you answered the phone when he called all depressed?
Talia: That’s not— He's always depressed!
Nightwing: You’re nothing special. Just a chronic booty call. My dad will never settle for you. That’s a fact.
Talia: You know nothing about our love!
Nightwing: Honey, he told me about the annulment. He’s not happy, but he’ll recover and find someone better. While you’re stuck alone. I don’t know when he’ll finally realize he needs to be with Selina, but he will never, ever, ever, get back together with you.
Talia (shouting): WANT TO BET?
Nightwing: I don’t need to bet. I’ll say what I’ve said before, those wrinkles will show before Batman ever settles down with you. Nobody wants to be with a gorgon like you. Bye now.
Nightwing left the palace room with his Robin, Tim, the young hero laughing at his brother’s words.
Ra’s: You need some aloe vera for that burn, sweetheart?
Talia: NOT NOW, FATHER!
Robin!Tim: I thought Deathstroke was your enemy, but Talia seems to top that.
Nightwing: Pretty much. I’ll tell you more about how awful she is later.
Talia: I heard that, and you will do no such thing!
Talia crossed her arms, furious at first, until she remembered the plus sign on the test she took earlier that week. A smirk formed on her face as she placed a hand on her stomach.
----------------------------
Before Bruce discovered he had a son…
Dick: Hi.
Damian: Hello. I’m Damian. What’s your name?
Dick: People call me Nightwing.
Damian: Hm… interesting. You wear blue and black in a unitard. Does that help with fighting?
Dick: It does.
Damian: That's a smart choice then, I'm not a fan of the suit, but whatever helps you defeat your enemies easily is good.
Dick: Exactly. Thank you. He’s so cute. What are you doing here little man?
Damian: I live here with my mother and grandfather.
Talia stepped closer to her son with a malicious smirk.
Talia: Yes, he does! Go ahead, guess who his mother is?
Dick: Is she here?
Jason chuckled, pointing at Talia. He pretended not to be aware. Damian looked around, confused. Talia placed her hands on her hips with a proud smile.
Dick: She’s his… adopted mother?
Jason: Nah, I don’t think she kidnapped him... I think... That’s her son.
Talia’s smirk stayed, silently confirming the statement.
Dick: …Jason, stop messing with me. Where’s this kid’s real mother?
Talia: She’s standing in front of you, because she’s me!
Dick (in denial): No.
Talia: Yes!
Dick (pause then shaking his head chuckling): ...Nuh-uh.
Jason (whispering so Dick can't hear him): I had the same reaction.
Talia (keeping Damian close to her): He is mine.
Dick: Did you kidnap someone’s child?
Damian (worriedly): Kid—kidnapped?
Ra's: If only, then he wouldn't be related to us through... him.
Talia ignored her father and patted Damian's head.
Talia: Don’t worry, Habibi. You’re mine, I had you. You were birthed from me. You hear that, Dick? He’s mine! I pushed him out of my body! I spent hours in a room with a midwife to grace the world with my seed. Father can confirm it!
Ra’s (flatly): I can confirm they’re biologically related.
Jason (playing dumb): OMG, I think she’s telling the truth. Crazy, right? I am flabbergasted. Pearls clutched! Whaaat? I have to take a walk around for a bit. I'm going to be thinking about this.
Jason quickly walked off, quietly chuckling because he knew the truth. Dick, unaware Jason had already been aware of Damian's existence, was still doubtful if this was all true. Until he looked at the kid, noticing some of her softer features.
Dick: No, no, no, no, a thousand noes.
Talia: This child is mine! I pushed him out of my vagina. He nearly tore that spot! That’s how real he is! Dick, behold my son!
Damian (unaware): Mother, why do you keep calling him that?
Ra’s: His real name is Dick. The cat’s out of the bag already might as well name drop him.
Damian: Seriously?
Ra’s: Yes. Remember the names I told you that don't make sense to give a person. Yeah, his name is Dick, short for the name Richard. It a thing to call men named Richard... that.
Damian (genuinely curious): Why did your parents name you that? That's the alterative word for a phallic symbol. Did they not like you?
Dick: I am not having this conversation! Talia... Talia, what poor sap did you trick into lying in the snake pit with you and procreating?
Talia: Oh, Himar. Don’t you see it yet? Look at my child closely and you’ll see who he resembles. Hint: I was married to him, and he took you in, circus kid.
Dick looked closely at Damian, and it clicked instantly, yet he refused to accept the truth.
Dick (repeating himself): He... He... there’s no way. No way. No way in hell... He would never... He couldn't possibly...
Dick gulped seeing the resting angry face clearer.
Dick (voice dry, not computing this): Why does he look like a tan version of him the more I look at him?
Talia’s smirk grew more malicious as she gave Damian an awkward hug.
Damian: You know my father? Mother says he really likes bats.
Dick (trembling): Oh, sweet Jesus… no.
Talia picked up the heavy eight-year-old and brought him closer to Dick’s face.
Talia: He’s not only my child but the sole heir of Bruce Wayne! DNA tests proved it! The true son! Look at him, behold the son of I and Bruce, Damian Wayne Al Ghul!
Damian slowly frog blinked in response, the yelling hurting his ear as he stared at his new brother.
Damian (waving): Hi. Again. Mother, you’re yelling in my ear.
Talia: Sorry, son. Nightwing, Dick, circus freak, how does that feel? You were wrong! I told you I’d bear him a child, and here he is! I win; you lose! I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE! I DRANK IT UP!
Dick gasped, hand on his chest.
Dick: You just quoted There Will Be Blood to me?
Talia: Yes, cuz I win! You lose! Suck it!
Damian: I’m confused and scared.
Talia lowered Damian back to the ground, he looked at both people, debating if he should fight someone or run.
Ra’s: We all are. Your mother is almost done. As much as I want to say this child isn’t a Wayne, he is. Sorry, kid.
Talia: Do not apologize to the tight rope walker. He’s finally been shown proof that I was right, and I won!
Ra’s: Having his seed doesn’t mean you’ve won this strange rivalry with his eldest Robin. I’ve told you this for years.
Talia: I will never accept that point and it will stand forevermore that I win!
Ra’s sighed, shaking his head. Dick blinked for a few seconds, then suddenly excused himself, walking a few feet away and dropping to his knees, screaming.
Dick: God, why?! Why did an innocent child have to be born from a crazy woman?!
Talia: See that father? I caused that. Me and my vagina.
Ra’s (glancing at his daughter, knowing the answer): Are you happy with his reaction? Is that enough for you my daughter?
Talia nodded with a wide grin and tears in her eyes. She genuinely felt triumphant, but in reality, she hadn’t truly won. Yes, the sex was consensual, and she had an adorable son, but she wasn’t a victor.
Ra’s pulled out a fancy cigarette for a smoke break.
Ra’s: I’m going to smoke. Let me know when the Batman arrives, I want to see his reaction.
Talia: Oh, okay. Make sure to bring a camera. That reminds me!
Talia pulled out her phone and started recording Dick, who was shocked and trying to figure out what had happened and how he could stop it. Damian went over to him, watching him freak out.
Damian: You seem upset.
Dick: I am, but it’s not your fault. How old are you?
Damian: Eight. My birthday was a few months ago.
Dick: Oh my God, you’re eight! Bruce is going to drop like a sack of potatoes… I kind of want that. Now I’m conflicted.
Talia: Yes, yes, but see Dickwad, see what our DNA made. You’ll never have that.
Dick flipped her off and looked at Damian.
Dick: Don’t do this to people.
Damian (thinking to himself, not speaking): Bru bru Jason has said something similar. Tiny world.
I’m tired of over protective Liu Qingge, what about Liu Qingge with a completely warped understanding about what is a reasonable amount of risk or danger for people other than himself. You could have died when that rock flew at your head? But you dodged. I don’t see the issue.
Shen Yuan is very happy with this arrangement since he’s constantly being mother henned by everyone else in the wild, but it will not turn out well since he has the survival instincts of a grape.
I did this trend on tiktok (yes, finally succumbed to tiktok) because I just wanted to see Shen Jiu being the villain everyone in the novel oh so portrays. Because if he were to actually be an irredeemable villain then imma make sure he looks good terrorizing everyone. Because he is my mother.
do you guys think Jason takes advantage of the fact that he has so many underage vigilante siblings by telling them to secret shopper his goons and check that they adhere to the 'no selling to kids' rule? because i do and i think each child fucks up the job in their own spectacular way.
Nightwing, landing on a rooftop where Red Hood's speaking to one of his subordinates: yo, Hood, what's going on?
Jason: hey. just getting the report for that secret shopper thing i was gonna do with the Wayne kids.
Subordinate: yeah... uh, why are Bruce Wayne's kids taking part in this again?
Jason, without missing a beat: because non of their neighbours need their laws mowed and Brucie says it's important for kids their ages to start learning the responsibility of having a job. anyway, Damian was up tonight, right? who was he buying from, 'cause i already know they failed.
Subordinate: yeah, Rick let the kid buy from him, so he needs to be punished i guess. bought two eighths of weed and an ounce of coke without Rick even blinking.
Jason, frowning: yeah, call that guy up for me to 'speak' to-
Jason:
Jason: wait Damian bought what?
Subordinate: ...two eighths of weed and an ounce of coke?
Jason:
Dick: what's wrong?
Jason, shooting off a grapple: that little shit only gave me back the weed-
~
Jason: *crying with laughter in the middle of the street*
Dick, landing nearby: ...you ok Hood?
Jason: *wheezing*
Duke, faintly, from Jason's phone: ITS NOT FUNNY.
Dick: what's happened?
Jason: Duke- *wheeze* Duke was supposed to do his secret shopper assignment tonight, but he didn't read the memo properly and tried to buy from a group of four of my guys as Signal instead of himself,
Duke: -SHUT UP JASON.
Jason: *still struggling to breathe* so he- so he rocked up and asked to buy as Signal, and my guys all assumed he was arresting them for possession,
Dick: oh my god.
Jason: they dropped him everything they fucking had and bolted, and now he's panicking on the other end of Crime Alley because four peoples' entire product inventory is too much for him to carry in one go and he's scared of leaving any behind for kids to wander across, so he's- *collapses into more laughter*
Dick, in awe: he's just stuck guarding it?!
Duke, from Jason's phone, incredibly distressed: THE RATS ARE CIRCLING IN. I'M NOT USUALLY OUT THIS LATE. SOMEBODY NEEDS TO COME AND FUCKING HELP ME-
Jason: *loses it*
~
Dick: hey, Tim did his secret shopper thing tonight, right? how'd that go?
Jason: *head in his hands*
Dick: ...did the guy fail?
Jason, muffled: no.
Dick: then what happened?
Jason: i had him try to buy from the same guy as Damian, to see if he'd 'learned his lesson', and he refused to sell to Tim point blank.
Dick: ok...?
Jason: but then Tim got offended that he'd sold to Damian and not him, so he pulled a gun on the guy and robbed him instead.
Dick:
Dick: the fuck did he get a gun from-
Jason: i don't fucking know Dick.
~
*Dick and Jason getting food on patrol when Steph calls Jason*
Steph: so i did the thing and it didn't work but i don't think it didn't work because i'm a kid.
Jason: ...what do you mean?
Steph: well i walk up to these two guys and ask to buy, right? and they say sure, what do you want? and i go 'four', and these guys say 'four what' and i'm like ??? the fuck do you think? four drugs. and-
Jason: *puts his head in his hands as Dick chokes on his hotdog*
Steph: -they look at me like i'm the fucking idiot, like, you should know how to count if you're gonna be a drug dealer, it's not like you guys have cash registers to help you out, right? and they start arguing with me and telling me that clearly i'm already high—which, fuck you guys, my makeup is awesome tonight, i do not look like i did it while high, how dare you! so i said maybe they're high and i should call their boss and snitch for stealing his supply, and they were like 'nuh uh blondie, nuh uh!' all mocking and shit, so i kicked one guy in the balls and the other guy grabbed me and now they won't let me leave until i prove that you sent me.
Jason:
Dick: *crying*
Steph, brightly: so yeah, if you could come pick me up~
Senku: Alright, mentalist. I need you to trick the power team into hauling another three tons of iron ore. Do it, and a fresh, fizzy bottle of Senku Cola is all yours.
Gen: No thank you, Senku-chan. I’ll pass.
Senku: ....What do you mean, pass? It’s cola. Your loyalty is built on a foundation of sugar and carbonation!
Gen: Yes, well, the market has stabilized, and my demand has been met elsewhere. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with a hammock.
Senku: [Squinting] Who authorized you to have a surplus of joy?
♤
Senku: [Storming into Xeno’s workspace] Xeno! Care to explain why my mentalist is currently lounging in a lawn chair, refusing to do manual labor propaganda?
Xeno: Shh. Not so loud, Senku. You’ll ruin the carbonation.
Senku: Is that.....cola? Why the hell are you making him cola?!
Xeno: Because it is a highly efficient transaction. I provide Asagiri with a premium, scientifically perfect beverage, and in return, he acts as a human shield.
Senku: A human shield?!?!
Xeno: He stands outside my door and tells the primitives that I am "manifesting scientific breakthroughs" so they stop barging in to ask me how to build a toaster. It is a small price to pay for peace.
Senku: [Staring at Gen, who is now drinking cola out of a fancy wine glass with a tiny umbrella in it] You sold me out for Xeno’s cola? Ten billion percent unacceptable.
Gen: Oh, come now, Senku-chan! Don't look at me with those scary science eyes. It’s just business.
Senku: I'm literally re-inventing modern civilization from scratch for you.
Gen: Yes, and I am eternally grateful! But Xeno-chan’s recipe has a delightful hint of vanilla, and all I have to do to get it is stand in a hallway and look mysterious. Your jobs involve getting yelled at by Magma.
Senku: Traitorous mentalist.....I'll just have to adjust my recipe to include caffeine. We'll see who wins the monopoly then.
Senku: Theoretically, if I increase the carbonation by 12%, the bubbles should perfectly stimulate your taste buds to make up for the lack of actual high-fructose corn syrup.
Gen: Senku-chan, you really know how to sweep a mentalist off his feet. Nothing says romance like a lecture on fluid dynamics.
Senku: Ten billion percent. Now drink it before the gas escapes and it becomes depressing sugar water.
Meanwhile....
Stanley: [Squinting through the a pair of high powered binoculars in a bush] Look at him. He’s lecturing my son about bubbles. Xeno told me this kid was a genius, but he looks like a sentient stick of celery.
A Voice From the Dark: [Whispering loudly] Oh my god, oh my god, they’re sharing a drink! This is it! I’m going to be a father-in-law! I need to start planning the wedding. Do you think we can launch the bouquet into low Earth orbit?
Stanley: [Whips around, pulling a combat knife] Who’s there?!
Byakuya: [Waving cheerfully, covered in durt] Hi! I’m Byakuya! Senku’s dad! Nice to meet you. Wow, your camouflage is incredible. Are you a professional stalker, or just a really dedicated parent like me?
Stanley: .....I am a trained military operative. And your son is dating my son.
Byakuya: Oh my gosh, we’re in-laws! Look at them! Look at our boys! Senku is actually outside! Touching grass! With a boy! I never thought I’d see the day. I thought he’d marry a beaker.
Stanley: [Glares through the leaves] Your son is a menace. Gen deserves a gentleman. Someone who understands art, or at least someone who can lift a bag of flour without throwing out their back.
Byakuya: Look, Gen just laughed! That’s progress! Usually, people just yell at Senku for being arrogant.
~~~~~~~~
Gen: [Glancing toward the bushes] Say, Senku-chan... do you get the feeling we are being watched by a highly trained sniper and a very proud astronaut?
Senku: I noticed them 15 minutes ago, my old man has been tailing me since I left the house, and your dad is a menace.
Gen: Should we say hello?
Senku: Sigh, No. Let them bond. If your dad shoots my old man, it saves me from having to explain why I used his old JAXA jacket to filter chemicals yesterday.
Gen constantly has to deal with four idiots who are always on the verge of death:
Senku (his ear-dey has terrible luck and a tendency to easily make enemies)
Chrome (since he's not from the modern era and doesn't understand the spectrum of danger, he's constantly putting himself at risk)
Ryusui (his habit of wanting everything makes him cooperate a lot with Senku in doing stupid, life-threatening things)
Ukyo (not to mention how easily he lets himself die, he hasn't been able to sleep soundly since a "joke" about him saying that if he jumped off the waterfall, no one would notice)
Honorific mentions:
Kaseki (He's old and he's worried he'll overexert himself)
Suika (Gen is a coward, but if anything happens to Suika, he kills everyone at the TKS and then kills himself)
Kohaku (Another one who also lacks a sense of danger)
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