jessy's mentality and art.

if anyone wishes to read and observe upon my mentality and art, then feel welcome, for all the other unfortunate souls stumbling upon this blog, i hope you too enjoy.

[jessy-delusions]

.//happy

i WILL finish writing my song today today today.

you are beautiful o world, i wish i could explore you and all of your wonders dear world my sweet lady. 

to the people her tarnish her i shall make a song that you need to hear. 

i wish everyone spoke to each other more.

it’s hard to convey emotion and intelligence through text and words on a screen, please read more, please sing and dance more, this world outside is much more amazing than this world we have constructed inside a screen.

this computer was made to expand your sight and knowledge of this world, it makes the world so much more magnified. i wish to see the world on the screen with my own eyes.

[jessy-delusions]

.//art artart

make yourself your definition of love and passion.

i know i made this blog to feature my art, that what i initially thought i was going to use this blog for, and soon i will post my art.

[jessy-delusions]

.//darkk

 since this blog is about some young woman’s mentality and psyche, let me tell you a bit about this lady’s day. today wasn't particularly a good or bad day. it was partially pleasant with a side of panic attacks and a bit of twinges of pain of my face, and my left arm and thigh.

last night, my father beat me. i suppose it was out of anger, i was scared, hurt, and feeling like shit. of course i felt degraded, but again i remind myself that i have lived in fear my whole life, i was beat with his fist and a solid pipe of an unknown material. i was struck three times on the forehead, twice on each eye and once on my left ear, i couldn't count the strikes on my arm or lower body, but all i could tell you was that it was hard to get into bed that night, not to mention the lack of sleep i had due to my pain and trauma. 

the tear-soaked teddy bear was the only thing keeping my warm, i eventually passed out from pain and shock and woke up a few hours later. 

as i embraced my stuffed bear i just wish i was in the arms of someone i’ve taken a fancy to recently. 

this morning i have done my schoolwork, i am home-schooled so the work was very easy and didn't take that long, i sat in the dark and tried to watch movies to lift my spirits. it helped. 

if you really want to find yourself in your own state of mind just spend a few hours alone in the DARK. you go insane but in a beautiful way, you are stripped down to the core of your very being and you are filled with emotion. so over zealous when i think about it.

my life may not be perfect. i know i need to remove myself from this toxic household. but i cant.

i suppose i’m a coward. i’m scared. i want to make people happy.

art art art art art ar ta rt art artartartartartrt.

in order to be happy, you need to acknowledge that sadness is sad, and overcoming sadness is happiness. if you're happy all the time, is that really happiness? 

[jessy-delusions]

.//stressd

there’s a massive amount of self-reflection as the year begins its final hours. with all of these flash-backs and memories on top of my responsibilities as a student, a daughter, and as someone who wants to be active in my youth, there’s a whole lot of pressure in my heart and stress is building up inside along with frustration and anger. as much as i want to not fuck up or to be successful in school i need to organize my life accordingly. i just need time, peace, and an escape from all of the people putting me down and pressuring me to be fucking perfect in every way. i need to plan everything out perfectly, i need to get PERFECT grades, i need to be the most perfect person, woman, human for everyone. As a daughter and a student i really want to succeed, and do things exactly as they should be done, but i really fucking hate school, i hate math, english, science, history. of course i need these things to pass, and some knowledge i may obtain, i might use after i graduate, and i have to problem absorbing and learning about the material, i just feel like its a fucking waste of time and is ruining my mental state of mind, it doesnt matter if it’s public school or homeschool, at the end of the day im still a producer of results and grades and percentages. and i resent that. I just need to start getting my shit together and fucking graduate. I hope college doesnt disappoint me. i wish to learn the things i want to learn and need to learn to do the things i love.

[jessy-delusions]

maybe someday we'll meet again when i can make you happy again.

[jessy-delusions]

.//雨

A storm brews in the sky spewing it's sadness to the palm of our hands. In a drought of love, water, and compassion.. I hope today's rain isn't the last. I love the rain. The fresh smell of salvation and the hue of the sky as clouds cascade down filling the world with splendor and awe. As I stand from my apartment balcony I start to cry in relief. The clouds cry because the earth does not. I think i may have found a piece of inspiration in this afternoon rain that conveys its feelings in the raindrops as they fall into my face. Forgiveness, Isolation, and thoughts that shall not be listed as they are dark in nature, but when used properly, can create a piece that is emotional and compelling. A fire burns within me. I wish to paint.