Music

[jetblackheartsandamnesia]

Help

"Have you ever hurt yourself?"

No but-

"Then I can't help you"

But I want to

"But you haven't?"

No

"Then I can't help you"

But I want to die

"Well do you have a plan?"

Several, but I'm not going to do it

"Then I can't help you"

Oh

"You're just confused"

Oh, okay..

[jetblackheartsandamnesia]

Christmas to me is...

Christmas to me is mom stressing, and dad not helping

Christmas to me is remembering why I can’t spend it with my grandad every year

Christmas to me is anger and tears

Christmas to me is reassuring mom she isn’t drinking too much despite alcoholism running in the family

Christmas to me is reassuring mom she isn’t too fat despite us having the same body type

Christmas to me is to not trigger yet another argument

Christmas to me is how I felt last year blinded by anger yet still putting on a smile the day after

Christmas to me is resenting my grandma and missing her at the same time

[jetblackheartsandamnesia]

Lonely

I feel like their latest hyperfixation 

Eventually they’ll grow tired of me

Eventually they’ll fucking listen when I tell them to leave

Eventually they’ll realize that I don’t feel the same level of attachment as them 

They’ll realize that they deserve better 

Better than me 

[jetblackheartsandamnesia]

Birthday

Happy birthday...

To me

The Failure 

The Broken 

The No-Good

The Lost

The Lonely

[jetblackheartsandamnesia]

Mentally ill shit

I’m at the level of mentally ill where whenever other mentally ill people use cutesy internet terms for serious shit it makes me want rip my eyes out... whateve level that is

[jetblackheartsandamnesia]

Dear Trauma Dumpers

Dear Trauma Dumpers,

No, that joke about your mental health is not funny.

The way you try and romanticize and glorify mental illness and (self)destructive behavior is gross.

The way you shoved your scars in my face and laughed about it was not funny.

The way you use a diagnosis as an excuse for everything is getting old.

Hiding behind attachment issues and incompetency by calling yourself a people-pleaser is getting old.

Don’t shove therapy down people’s throats, therapy is NOT always the solution.

HOWEVER, do not complain about therapy as if you didn’t ask for help yourself.

Self-diagnosis might be valid in your own head, no one else is obligated to take you seriously though.

Stop complaining about your mommy issues when you have no intention of establishing boundaries with her or cutting her off completely.

When I have stated a boundary, it is not my job to make sure you do not overstep it, and I have every right to cut you off if you do.

If I’m upfront about being toxic and you stay because you feel obligated to, I am not responsible for your feelings getting hurt in the process.

Sincerely, Someone who’s fucking tired.

[jetblackheartsandamnesia]

Do you ever do something to help a health condition and feel dramatic and attention seeking despite no one knowing that you're doing it? Or am I just weird?

[jetblackheartsandamnesia]

Dad

Dear dad,

I resent you 

I resent you for the emotional neglect 

I resent you for being emotionally unavailable 

I resent you for the anger that I have inherited 

I resent you for the yelling

I do not hate you, but I am fucking angry, and I have every right to be.

[jetblackheartsandamnesia]

Mom

Dear mom,

You tell me to stop acting like everyone’s therapist, yet you use me as your own. 

You tell me to stop thinking so much, yet it is you who fill my head with these thoughts.

You tell me to stop making myself sick, yet you contribute to the anxiety. 

You tell me to start talking to you, yet you shut me down.

You expect me to act like an adult, yet you treat me like a fucking child.

You talk about your family with venom, yet when I do it I’m hurting you.

It is a hell of a circle, and I intend on breaking it.

Love, your mess of a daughter 

[jetblackheartsandamnesia]

Goodbye, I’m sorry

Our paths are no longer intertwined and I need to follow my own

Our priorities no longer match

Our present is becoming our past

Our future is no longer the same

Leaving hurts, but staying is eating me up from the inside 

Dynamics changed, WE changed, ALL of us

You’ll always be a part of me, of my story 

But my next chapter awaits and you’re not in it 

Goodbye, I’m sorry  

[jetblackheartsandamnesia]

Family gathering

A collision

Mom’s perfect, passive, performative, family

Dad’s compassionate, caring, carefree, family

I’m trapped

Uncomfortable, invasive questions

Curious and loving people

People who wish to see me fail

People who want to see me thrive

Anxiety high, mood low

It’s like a performance, and I’m in the spotlight

And I have stage fright…  

[jetblackheartsandamnesia]

Depression

[funnytwittertweets]

[jetblackheartsandamnesia]

I’m sick

I’m sick, but self-aware 

I’m tired but anxious

I’m suicidal, but high-functioning

I’m stuck, but moving

[jetblackheartsandamnesia]

Sick

I want to know what’s wrong with me 

I don’t want a diagnosis 

I want help 

I don’t want to talk about it

I say I’m not sick, but I can’t get well -Mike Shinoda

[jetblackheartsandamnesia]

Tired

I wanted to down a bottle of alcohol, so I went for a walk

I wanted to hurt myself, so I turned up my music too loud

I wanted to talk, but no one would listen

I wanted to die, so I went to bed  

[jetblackheartsandamnesia]

Family

I have a family

I have both my parents

I have my brother

I am my mother’s therapist

I am my brother’s sparring partner

I am my father’s daughter

I have inherited anger

I have inherited toxicity

I am a product of my environment

I am the eldest daughter