I Have Been On Here Way Too Long

Melissa. she/they. U.S. Signaling the aliens the coordinates to the White House as you read this sentence.

[slimegargoyle]

in the beginning, the trump assassination attempts were spaced by twenty four weeks. then twelve, then six, then every two weeks. the last one, at the white house, was a week. in four days we could be seeing a trump assassination attempt every eight hours until they are coming every four minutes. we should witness a double event within seven days,

[a-kind-of-merry-war]

*Griffin McElroy voice* MY TWO SPECIAL BOYS

[gloomsday]

sent this message to my coworker today and he sent me this screenshot with microsoft teams's suggested replies... incredible 10/10 no notes.

[carolsturka]

[tekunoraizu]

FUCKKKKKKK what if something bad happened and I forgot to worry about it

[melkingsbush]

[valtsv]

nothing in the world makes me more evil than just being kind of annoyed

[valtsv]

me when i'm in genuine agonising distress: i'm so sorry if i'm bothering you with my childish histrionics :/

me when i'm just in a bit of a bad mood: i hope hydrogen bombs fall on every living thing in the universe

[mottesk]

drunk karaoke best karaoke

[coldasyou]

Fuck all this, do you wanna go get a drink?

bonus:

[eyestrain-addict]

[coldasyou]

Um, the shredder jammed.

[saltoncity]

scientists are trying to discover something harder than getting out of bed to go to work in the morning. and dont make a fucking penis joke ok they already checked everyone’s dick and it doesn’t even come close

[ahno-nimus]

you won't believe the weather we've been getting [remembers to avoid giving away my location] the sky was turned to darkness and the moon to blood, and the stars fell from the heavens.

[segamascott]

[in-my-locket]

life is beautiful when u don’t have assignments due

[siderealglimmer]

[northirish]

Shipping update: Your parcel has been torn asunder by ravenous hogs