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@jinxkr
— Do you ever feel like you’re missing something? You go through life, wandering, breathing, but not truly living. Something isn’t right with your thoughts, your skin, your very existence. It’s scattered.
You can’t sit still but you can’t keep moving. You live in a constant state of obscurity, your future unsettling, your vision unable to see even your hands in front of you. Sometimes I feel like this. I don’t know what the future has planned for me. Sometimes my teenage years come back to haunt me. The biting sting of rocky ledges under my feet from hiking and climbing. The ghost of fiery lips against my ear.
I am living in the past, even while living in the present.
Something is wrong with my existence. Am I who I’m meant to be or is there more growing to be done?
— The Musings of a Lost Girl —
170518
‘to my favorite scar’
Back packing between countries when Jin was younger kept the young adult in pretty good shape, adapting, over time, a very lean, toned figure. Hiking, swimming, biking, she did it all back then. It just felt so freeing, just being outdoors. Nowadays, after opening up Magical Arrangements, she has trouble finding time to go on vacations like she used to and instead, keeps herself in shape by going to the fitness center a couple days a week and hitting the boxing gym on the weekends. But with all the stress from work, of being neck deep in paperwork and contracts and matchmaking people together, she can’t always burn out all that stress through just exercise.
“Very nice, very nice ladies. Now, bring your head back to center stillness and draw your palms together at the heart.”
Situated on a sea green mat, Jin sits carefully still, her legs crossed as she follows along with the rest of the couple or so ladies in the room as they follow the teachers instructions. When she can’t force her way through all the stress from work, she attends classes like this, following the yoga instructor and relaxing her mind. It’s refreshing, almost as nice as when she went hiking up a mountain out in New Zealand the summer before, but the goal is for her to become still, to let go and release all the energy she always seems to have pent up.
When she first took a yoga class, it had been exhausting, the motions not fast enough for the energetic young adult. She almost gave up on it, but something made her come back another lesson. And another. And another. Soon enough, she was caught up in the web, feeling more relaxed and lighter on her feet after a class than she did after a workout and just like that, it became a part of her weekly schedule.
Yoga was a welcome distraction from all the stress in her life. She was more than a human being going through a spiritual experience. She felt like she was a spiritual being going through a human experience.
“And bring it back in,” the blonde at the front of the class smiled around, relaxing back into their starting position, “That was great, class. We’ll end the class here today. Don’t forget, yoga week starts next Sunday. Sign up sheets for group yoga sessions are out at the welcome desk.”
Jin joined in with the lightly polite round of applause around the room and they all rose and started to leave. She had work to get back to but she was in no hurry, staying after to chat with a few of the others in the room, checking in and greeting everyone warmly. As everyone filtered out of the room to rejoin reality, she hung back, not in any rush as she exited.
Pulling gingerly at the hairband keeping her hair tied up in a small pony tail, she ran her fingers through it, one hand on the door and the other tangled in her hair as she entered into the main lobby. Her gaze is on the floor for but a moment, distracted, but then she’s looking up, and across, her eyes passing over a familiar set of eyes before snapping back to the pair, gazes locked.
Her breath catches in her throat; she’s frozen.
Jin loses track of her thoughts as they derail into nothingness.
She is stuck in his eyes, her own wide and startled as the earth seems to stall, everything slowing down to a snail pace.
Move.
The female jolts at the loud thought, feeling as though she was just splashed with liquid flames. Blood rushes to her cheeks and she’s blushing, diverting her attention quickly. It couldn’t be him, she rationalizes.
Her gaze flicks back up, and she’s looking at his lips, so familiar they could’ve been her own. The press of them, the heat of his gaze from a memory so vivid it could be the present, wash over her like a tide and suddenly, she’s moving. She’s on autopilot.
Before she knows where she’s going, she’s in the women’s locker room and the door is clicking shut behind her. Jin feels like she’s in a panic, her eyes wide with the shock of the experience, her chest rising and falling quickly.
It was him, she thinks to herself.
“Shit”, she says out loud.
Everything finds its place and leaves You took all of me and left But like the two hands of the clock in my heart I keep lingering in the same place