PSA (kinda?)
It is with great misfortune that I have to write this up today, but I feel like if I donāt do this now I will chicken out (lol). Thanks so much to all of the people who responded to my poll and have shown me so much love and support thus far. Itās thanks to you that Iāve been brave enough to post this. š
Iāve never had to do anything like this before so I apologize ahead of time if itās a mess (and for typos lol). Moreover, part of me knows that I will upset a few people with this rant, but I donāt have much to lose at this point seeing as my character as a person is already being threatened. Mind you I was never going to name drop but seeing as the people in question are expecting some sort of war now Iām not sure what else to do. I think the only adult way to go about any sort of issue is to talk it out, but seeing as I wasnāt given much of an opportunity for that by the people in question Iām going to resort to this to detail my experience.Ā
I am going to both type out the discord ims I have as backing evidence and link screenshots for further context.Ā
Long story short, Iāve felt personally victimized by a discord mun/admin who currently goes by the alias of Beanie. Their bestie and fellow admin, who currently goes by the alias of Al, is unfortunately partly to blame for being willfully blind to her actions and thus encouraging them. In their eyes, Iām being petty for āan admin not wanting to write with meā but in reality Iām finally trying to voice my concerns and point out ongoing actions that straight up arenāt okay. Itās just a shame that I couldnāt properly do so directly now that I finally mustered up the courage.Ā
There is a lot to tell with regards to this story but Iām going to focus on the most recent event as to not rant on and on or bore anyone. Basically I was ostracized and somewhat gaslit by Beanie while in the discord rp Unyhq, which was founded by Al. It all started Friday night when I realized that I couldnāt react to any of her posts. I refreshed discord several times and even switched devices thinking it was an app error. I had no issues with anyone elseās so I started to get a bad feeling about things. Mind you, I admittedly didnāt have the best rp experience with either muns prior (they also voiced being blacklisted and having psaās out about them in a prior group I was in with them which I am mentally slapping myself for overlooking) and felt a bit intimidated by Beanie more often than not. It was my mistake to take this laying down in the past and perhaps not being as direct as I shouldāve been with those particular admins. That part I take full accountability for, as I shouldāve focused less on wanting to please everyone and faced the inevitable confrontation. Nonetheless, I figured the unique plot and low key vibe could be worth giving everyone another shot. (Second chances are big thing for me.)Ā
To continue, I messaged another member of the group and asked them to try and react and saw they had no issues with it. After that, and a short chat, it was easy to deduce that I had been soft blocked. This came as a surprise to me seeing as I had seemingly ended on neutral terms with Beanie and had a brief convo with her months prior where she assured there was no bad blood (also featured in the screenshots). I tried to message Beanie personally about the situation and see why she would block me out of the blue but clearly couldnāt since she...well...had me blocked. I didnāt want to drag anyone else into whatever was happening so I optimistically started a plotting thread for us in the group server thinking that perhaps it was an accident. Thatās when I received a message from Al hours later stating that Beanie did have me blocked and leading to the following back and forth:Ā
AL: āhi b, just shooting you a little dm letting you know that beanie does in fact have you blocked and is not comfortable with interacting with you one on one. iām not privy to all the details and while i like writing with both of you and want both of you in the server, im not going to force anyone to interact with someone theyāre not fully comfortable with. to ensure that everything remains comfortable, im going to be deleting your message to her in the plotting channel. hope you understandā
ME: āhi there! Iām not sure why i was blocked when i never did anything to her?? i would appreciate it if she maybe just let me know what happened in private instead of this but idk?? it makes me feel really anxious that an admin wonāt even give me the time of day without reason
When she unfriended me i asked if everything was okay and she said yes (which i can share if necessary) so for her to block me out of the blue afterwards makes me feel really bad
to be honest we never really interacted much so idk what reason there would be to just shut me out without explanation š
like i would never want to make anyone uncomfortable or anything like that but i do feel like i deserve an explanation rather than just being ostracized seeing as itās a group?? but yeah idk Iām just feeling really sad and anxious nowā
AL: āi understand and i'm sorry that it's making you anxious. beanie is most likely asleep right now but i will talk to her when i wake up and see if she'd be willing to have a conversation with you and talk it out.
just straight up from my point of view though, and i don't mean to say this to point fingers and accuse anyone but just to help make sense of it all, the way that you and [redacted] reacted in the society about rune and cade having a baby was uncomfortable and straight up felt passive aggressive at points ?? and you guys left right after that and not long after rpsense was sent an ask about us <https://rpsense.tumblr.com/post/713226551533223936/how-about-that-connecticut-mystery-discord-rpg> particularly singling out rucade which is :/
i want to stress that i'm not pointing fingers and i hold no ill will towards either you or [redacted], but i hope that helps you understand why beanie's a little bit apprehensive about it all. still, i will talk to her and see if she would be willing to talk.ā
**Letās pause for a second to point out how she says my reaction (which was nothing but surprise seeing as Beanie didnāt seem on board with pregnancy plots when myself and another mun planned to do it for our characters) was passive aggressive while also trying to implicate myself and another mun over a drama blog comment anonymously made about them? Iām sorry that was very much accusatory and uncalled for. If I really had it out for them like they want to believe I wouldāve just made a post on my main blog from the get go, and thatās something anyone who truly knows me can back up. But I guess itās just easier to paint me as a villain than maybe admit they too are flawed. Anywho letās continue:**
ME: āI understand where you guys are coming from but prior to the rp i didnāt even know what rpsense was and stated so (i donāt think i ever got clarification which is why i assumed it had something to do with jcink or Twitter rp) thus for there to even be an assumption it was me or even pointed in my direction is wild to me lmao. like at 25 years old i can assure you that i have better things to do than to send random messages on anon to a blog i didnāt even know existed until then
there were def some things that made me (and from what others voiced to be) uncomfortable with the big focus on that ship but seeing as you guys were admins i kinda felt it was inevitable. it did for a hot minute feel like idk thunder stealing but overall i left due the issues i had muse wise with benji after the death thing
i just really struggled to recover from that due to having dealt with something similar irl at around the same time. It became so triggering to the point i decided to leave for my own mental health. with regards to [redacted], i messaged her prior to leaving and from my understanding she left due to feeling overworked [redacted]
but yeah i kinda wish beanie wouldāve just come to me about it instead of blocking me. like i wouldāve (and still am) happy to discuss whatever assumptions or apprehensions sheās had in place of a situation like this. i mean i donāt see why someone who supposed talked shit about yāall, would wanna stay in a group with you guys and try so hard to be peaceful instead of just blocking and moving on but that is just my two sense on the topic.
i donāt think we were the only ones who eventually left nor were taken aback by some of those things you mentioned but yeah all i can say that it wasnāt me and i donāt think [redacted] would waste her time with that either. i swear thatās not me shading others but yeah itās just still a shock to me that assumption was made?? but i guess i could see why from her POV it would be easier to push the blame on me timing wise lmaoā
ME (after several hours of no reply despite activity in the group server): āhi there!! sorry to spam but i wanted to know if there was still gonna be a follow up on this?? i would ask Beanie myself but still have not way to contact her and donāt wanna bring someone else into the mix. I just feel really sad because i fee l like Iāve been incriminatd over something that has nothing to do with me. like i apologize if i ever gave anyone any reason to dislike me but it kinda feel like anger towards some random person or comment is being projected onto me without any validity? or than maybe there is just a reach to make me feel excluded?? idk Iāve just being feeling really uncomfortable and semi attacked since yesterday when all i wanted was to get along with everyone in a rp i was excited about.ā
AL:āhi b, i'm still having a conversation with beanie about it (i just woke up like an hour ago š ) and i'll update you asap!!ā
ME: āno worries!! thanks for the update. i just hate the situation overall and let my anxiety get me. thus i forgot about timezones šā
AL: āhi b, beanie has communicated w me that she is not comfortable unblocking you or talking to you and i'm not going to make her do so. those are her boundaries and i respect them. she has also said that the anon didn't really influence her decision -- the main thing beanie is uncomfortable with is when you two were threading with benji and rune and benji implied that rune trying going to take advantage of him. while i understand this was most likely an in-character choice and an exploration of grief, from my understanding it was not discussed beforehand and made beanie uncomfortable.Ā
while it would be ideal for her to approach you herself and have a one on one conversation and clear things up, it is something she isn't currently comfortable with and i'm not particularly comfortable enforcing. i would love for everyone in a group to get along and write with each other, but realistically it's just not possible and i don't expect it to be.Ā beanie is one member out of many.ā
**Letās do another pause here. For reference Rune was Beanieās muse and Benji was mine. While in societyfm I was blindsided by the ic death of a character related to Benji. During that time, I was grieving a similar situation and was very much triggered. However, seeing as the ball was already rolling and everyone ate up the plot I felt obligated to play along or otherwise be painted as a party pooper. While I was perhaps not as direct about my discomfort as I shouldāve been (I was grieving and kinda expected a similar situation to this occurring if I confronted the main mun about it let alone Beanie), I did however mention/demonstrate being uncomfortable with the overall topic and its impact on my muse (even reaching out to the other admins/members at the time) but thatās a story for another day. Back to the thread she mentioned, we plotted (vaguely) to have Rune stumble upon a heavily inebriated and grieving Benji to somehow have them make amends. From my memory, Rune pulls him up and close to her from the ground and mentions taking him home to her residence instead of his own, to which he replied āare you trying to take advantage of me?ā Letās keep in mind this was a joke and the thread was left without response from there. I also interacted with Beanie ooc multiple times to not a single complaint about this or anything in my field. Now I definitely see how that could be taken out of context and perhaps was distasteful on my part and apologize for it. However the fact that it only became an issue all these months later is what seemed odd.**
ME: āyeah thatās a random thing to me because it was never brought up at all until now and idk timing wise it feels a little sus?? at this rate it really looks like sheās just looking for any reason to not have to talk to me and itās very disheartening coming from an admin. if we are being real there a few things she had done as well that rubbed me the wrong way a bit but i didnāt take it as far as blocking her after making amends or trying to make me look bad by associating me with some random blog i have nothing to do with. but yeah if you donāt want to mediate this and sheās not willing to communicate in and adult manner then idk what else to do lmao. like Iām being punished for something petty and not even being given a chance to defend myself or improve which is incredibly messed up. I mean i legit had and irl traumatic trigger turned into the main plot of the last group but Iām not going as far as this š
it honestly wouldnāt have bothered me as much if she was just any other member but this kind of thing coming from an admin is extremely disheartening. especially when itās a public group?? like whatās the point of even being in a group with me if sheās just going to act like i donāt exist over things that are beyond my knowledge?? idk i am just getting a weird vibe that i donāt think is fair to me or my actions. so yeah idk what to do at this point since sheās clearly made up her mind about excluding me and finding *reasons* to do so
refusing to coexist with someone and going out of your way to do so as an admin in a public group is just really saddening. despite it all i wouldāve never done something like that to her and just want her to know that. but yeah at this rate it feels like my experience in a group is being tarnished by things that are beyond me and itās very unfortunate. at this rate i can just leave because itās not worth the stress and i am not going to stick around where someone claims i make them uncomfortable. š
okay this is the last message i promise lol. but i already left the server so you guys can have peace of mind. thatās not to say I think any of this is fair in any way shape or form as adults, but i donāt think itās worth the stress and i wonāt stick around when someone clearly doesnāt want me around. however i will say that i don't understand how beanie or anyone is feeling uncomfortable with something being *said* about or to her character without prior discussion when benji had a whole sibling killed off, in part to her insistence, and no one gave me a heads up lol. in fact, everyone at it up at my expense and yet she can get away with acting this way to me?? thatās not right al. the policing of my reactions about how they were being treated because i didn't treat her muse *the right way* is **not** okay. but yeah i digress. nevertheless, best of luck to yāall. itās a shame i couldnāt be a part of it again but maybe thatās for the best š¤·š½āāļøā
AL: āfrankly, b, i was going to leave this message unanswered because i feel as if though this conversation is just going around in circles. if she made you uncomfortable or rubbed you the wrong way, then you would be well within your rights to block her as well. i would not have forced you to interact with her if you had done so. if you had come to me with your issues privately, i would've been happy to step in and help resolve them.Ā
your messages are needlessly aggressive towards beanie in this situation. people are allowed not to like you or interact with you -- even if said person is an admin. she has not, from my pov, refused to coexist with you: she has merely refused to interact with you one on one or plot with you. her reasons for being uncomfortable with you have been kept private and only shared with me because i asked. she has not purposefully gone out of her way to be rude or hostile to you either ic or ooc: she simply does not wish to interact with you, so she has blocked you. if you had stayed in the rp, both me and lucky would be available to you in an admin capacity and you would have a plethora of other members willing to interact with you.
as for your point about the society: i am truly sorry that happened and it is a failing of mine as an admin. i had (wrongly) assumed that m would have communicated her plans with you, as that is something that is expected of grown writers in a closed group settings. in hindsight, i should have checked in with you and i am sorry that i didn't. you did not vocalise your discomfort at the start of the plotdrop, and when you did i went the extra mile to incorporate a time skip for your comfort. i also don't know why this is being brought up with regards to beanie? beanie was not an admin at the time of the plotdrop (so she had no input in it) nor was she the only one excited for it.ā
***End***
Thatās where it all wraps up because just like Beanie, Al didnāt even give me a chance to speak up or say my peace before blocking me. I get that I couldāve maybe been a bit more passive towards the end but I do think itās valid seeing as my feelings and the moral of my message was never validated. Al was quick to defend Beanie and let her say, do, or believe anything she wanted with regards to me but when I said my side and tried to defend myself I was āneedlessly aggressiveā towards a toxic individual that shouldāve been held accountable for their actions and set a better example as an admin. I hate to break it, but refusing to communicate with someone IS refusing to coexist with them and I will not be convinced of otherwise, nor will I allow myself to be stomped over and gaslit for defending myself/calling out inappropriate actions.Ā
Thatās all Iām going to say about this for now as itās really just to get my side known instead of whatās being inferred without context or my explanation. I donāt expect a fair fight in this nor am I trying to cancel anyone. All I wish is for those involved to be held accountable for their own wrongdoings as I am holding myself accountable for my own. Weāre all human and in the year 2023 we should be doing our best to grow and become better people. Iām going to take this as a learning experience and hope everyone else does too. š
