☣IMPETUOUS☣

Kim Jongin 19, sophomore dance major Sports, dorm, job R/S, s/o Student at Jeonjin disc

[jju-jongin]

...whispers have I been kicked out?

[jju-jongin]

I have a reply and a starter still left to do, and I shall get to them tomorrow (hopefully). Rest well, sugarplums.

[jju-jongin]

Masque ✜ Sulli & Jongin

[sulli-jju]

Another sleepless night - well it wasn’t the first time for the female to escape her dormitory scope on this week, to be precise when the digital watch attached on her wrist already showed digits that almost reached 24. It was either the freshman couldn’t sleep or she decided to take a tad of thrill from escaping the campus’ guards, but she was quiet sure of her body had been really eager to move along even the simplest rhythm she could dance for.

The time she twisted the door’s handle, slipped herself to the glass walled room until the dance major could lay her white bag on a certain side of the place, a single thud produced from the now neglected thing succeed to make itself audible to her hearing. Then there she was; exactly stood in the center of the serene room and saw herself exactly alone accompanied by the moon light which seeped through the rectangular shaped ventilation window on the studio - which almost immediately flickered on her face making a contrast sourced from the only source of light blended with the darkened studio, thus ghostly turning the girl skin into a paler tint of shade.

So, the moment when the young female had turned the speaker on, it took practically no time before the various strings of beat and melodies boomed via the device. Nevertheless, she didn’t even strain any of her muscle to switch the light on, as the exhilarating feelings finally took over her body to move and become harmonious with the music. The collision’s sounds from her feet to the wooden floor being echoed along the tune’s beat over the spacious studio, eventually turning it into the same kind of ecstasy the dancer know one of reasons making herself addicted to the late-night activity.

Several simple and complicated movement have done swiftly over the past minutes, though the moving rhythm of the song succeed to convey her build to spin around once - probably her sight shouldn’t be too scrupulous so that she wouldn’t have to halt her motion a little as her brain managed to process the clouded picture. Still, it wasn’t even being proved that her eyes didn’t make a hallucination of a person, so the girl quickly decided to ignore it and continue her non-audience solo performance. And, even if there was really a human right there - the optimistic side of Seolri thought - wouldn’t it counted as the audience stimulator for her?

Five minutes flew by and the music finally stopped, giving her a chance to sucked some oxygen she lacked while her routine being done - yet the brunette’s mind now being occupied by things. One - of her next choice of music, then the two that didn’t usually popped out during the female practice - what was that person doing here? The curious freshman had re-checked it by turned around on her choreography enough to attest the fact that there was exactly a living, breathing, creature that eyed every single move she produced. Despite being late at night, people normally came by barely to check if either the room is being used or watching her skills for a moment, but never until the second song on her list being completed off.

Perhaps, sometimes a dancer a dancer need to impress even the stranger that simply - and silently - observing them through an unassertive window.

Suddenly, a chuckle was fast to escape her lips, exactly before the excited dancer turned around - now exactly faced the particular casement  which existent to be the only barrier for the two tramontanes to form an eye contact. All were happened fast enough just like when she first entered the spot at eleven on that night, the student’s finger fidgeted with the remote, gaze fixated on the big mirror beside the often mentioned frame of glass, and the new intro of a moreover hard-beat song filled the specific room.

Then, all she had to do were poured all her energy left into the music - at the same time introducing her flair to the other, hoping  a bit the unknown stranger would let her movement remembered for tomorrow, at the least.

[jju-jongin]

When Jongin opened the door of the music room, careful in his lithe movements for no particular reason seeing as the music would cover whatever sound the door would make anyway. But it was an effect of the night, he supposed, that everyone had an urge to be more careful and quiet with their actions and thoughts, something comforting about that very fact. It had been obvious for the past few moments of course that there was indeed someone who was practicing in the room, and while the courteous thing to do would have been to simply walk by and use a different room, he was curious. Impulsive tendencies thrived in his nature, and this was one of the more harmless ones, but they came in all shades as it were, and as he opened the door, his gaze fell on the girl.

She was vaguely familiar to him, having seen her in classes before, which wasn't much of a surprise seeing as most of those who tended to gravitate to the differing rooms were dance majors. It wasn't a large enough department for there to be all that many new faces, but he had always been somewhat bad with names when he didn't speak with a person very often. So the girl's appellation eluded him as he simply stayed to watch her dance. It was clear she was talented, but that wasn't a surprise either, considering she had chosen to pursue it as he had. While in dance class he often didn't pay much attention to other people, too self absorbed in those moments to do so, he was able to in this case, watch the way she moved to create graceful lines and went with the pulsating vibrato that resounded through the room.

His gaze wasn't particularly critical as it fell upon her, the weariness that pervaded him allowing him to simply watch her, not paying mind to the fact that it was mildly unsettling for someone else to watch something that was often taken as a private act of practicing alone. But he assumed that most dancers were the same, and even if she noticed him -- he thought he felt her gaze feather over him briefly -- it was probably just some sense of encouragement. Dancers were meant to be watched, they put themselves out as some kind of art to make people watch as they moved to music and they demanded eyes upon them. So he didn't think she would mind, in the end.

When the song ended, he didn't give her any sense of satisfaction at a reaction, simply continued to watch as he did indeed take notice of him once more. But she was odd, seemingly not wanting to speak anything, but only a laugh escaped her lips and he gave a shrug. He hadn't expected to talk, necessarily, but he assumed her social skills her even lesser than his, impressive, but nothing that was of his concern; she was none of his concern as it was. A faint smirk crossed his lips when their gazes met again, and he simply turned to slip back out the door, leaving her to her practice for another night.

Having watched her only made him tired yet again, losing his interest in continuing to practice himself. It wasn't that she had interrupted his tranquility or even his restlessness, just that his mood shifted so rapidly he was left yearning for something other than what he'd previously thought. The impulse was carried out, and he was over it for the time being, though that wasn't to say sleep came to him much easier in the long run. His insomnia consistently gripped him and made things difficult for him to be able to accomplish the sweet slumber he so desperately needed as a break from himself.

The next day as he walked into the dance class, he wasn't as tired as he had been from the previous days, but he still needed a great deal of caffeine to be able to function normally. He'd momentarily forgotten about the girl who he had stumbled upon in his late night adventures, but as he glanced up from where he'd leaned against the wall in wait of the class to begin, he recognized her face and tilted his head slightly. Familiarity washed over him, but he questioned it until he got a glimpse in memory of her pale features outlined against the shadows, and it returned, genteel lithe movements, and hummed a little, not expecting to speak with her, but it was nice to recall.

[jju-jongin]

180114 Jongin & Junhee [Periculum]

[juniel-jju]

His skin was smirched by blood, but nevertheless, evidently alleviated after removing the offending fingers. The brunette nearly smiled at that, thankful that there was not too much damage on the other’s physique just yet. It caused her to frown for a moment or two, noting that he would have probably continued if she had not carelessly intervened. Then, most logically, the male questioned her sudden appearance. Choi Junhee glanced upwards to meet a fierce glare. It was something she had already anticipated since she was interfering in his personal business. Soft blinks enraptured her countenance, the chocolate eyes observing the somewhat appalled student most carefully. Her response was one she was trying to piece together with utmost delicacy, but she had absolutely no want to sugarcoat her intentions.

Still holding his hands, the girl spoke quietly to the younger one. “I stopped you on purpose,” began Junhee deliberately. “I know that I have no right to impose on another who does not care about my opinion, but I needed to do something. I can’t say that I am able to stop every person who does this in secret, but when I happen to be there, I will do something about it.” She paused, but her gaze never wavered. The shorter one only allowed herself to blink periodically. “I won’t let someone intentionally hurt themselves if I can help it,” affirmed Junhee with a confident nod. “So Jongin — I’m sure that I have answered your question.” Perhaps she should have felt intimidated by the male, considering his strange behaviour and his great height. Plus, his threatening look definitely did not welcome any sort of company. Nonetheless, the brunette was adamant and subtly fierce in standing strong for her own justified opinions.

Being just as queer, the female might have continued staring at him in unmistakable defiance if she did not feel the eventual trickling of the red liquid sliding off her own fingers. That sort of sensation caused the girl to be wary instantaneously. Her eyes flickered silently towards the battered arm, noticing the spurts of blood. Junhee was partially amazed that mere fingers were skillful enough to hurt bare flesh so terribly. She supposed that it was good thing that she wasn’t visibly cringing at this repulsive sight. The girl paused, ruminating on her next equally preposterous idea. Should she attempt to propose that kind of suggestion? It was probable that the other would hate to do anything with an impertinent, meddling person like her, but surely she had to vocalize her thoughts.

"Look," spoke Junhee at last, absent-mindedly bearing his injured assets with her hands in a gentle manner. "I know it wasn’t right for me to have involved myself in your own doings so recklessly, but I can’t promise you that I will stay away if I chance to catch you damaging yourself again. However, would you at least permit me to clean your injuries?" The brunette wore a smile that reached her eyes, albeit being a very sad one. The girl had seen a broken vessel, and so she possessed a ridiculous desire to help, no matter how futile her acts would be. The brunette nearly whispered a small cry of, "Please," at the end of that query. She could only watch and wait for his unpredictable reaction, to mildly hope that it would be moderately favourable.

[jju-jongin]

It was strange, no one besides those who absolutely had to had ever bothered to stop him in these moments, it was easier to simply ignore. Even for himself it was easier to later ignore that it had happened, it was how he coped. Because admitting to self harm, it brought a whole new set of troubles and problems as it was. But it was odd that this small girl had wanted to intervene on his behalf, even when his parents and others paid no mind to it. He wasn't seeking attention with it, only in moments of retrospect would he notice who had stopped it if anyone at all did.

Her explanation as to why made him give a quiet hum, wondering why it was that people felt a need to stop this in the first place when they weren't involved. Didn't she see it was making him feel better? He pondered for a moment whether she was either one of the extreme altruistic types or if she perhaps had some kind of issue herself that made her want to put an end to it. But the high was wearing off, and he could see a bit more of her logic to the issue. "How very noble of you," he said with trace amounts of bitterness and sarcasm lacing his words, though as the pleasure from the moment began to fade and the dull ache began settling in, he didn't feel a need to be as sharp.

Because after it was almost as though a certain weariness took over him, and he was tired of the gambit his mind ran. He knew he simply should have turned and walked away from the girl who had interrupted him, left her to go wander off anywhere else and hopefully take his mind off of the entire situation, and yet he stayed to see what she said. He wasn't surprised by her offer, having assumed already that she was the 'good-natured type' which in and of itself was often commendable, but he wasn't sure he really needed that.

"If you say yourself that you shouldn't be interfering, then why would you do it again? Isn't it my body to do with as I will?" he asked, tilting his head slightly, but glanced down to his arm and let out a quiet, weary sigh. "Fine, sure, thank you I suppose. Not for interrupting, because that was still my business, but for being nice," he shrugged, it wasn't something he was used to, people were often so disconnected that it didn't occur to him that there were still people who cared, even if it was in a very nosy way such as this.

[jju-jongin]

Memorium ⚖ Kris & Jongin

[jjuwu]

Kris couldn’t help but be visibly shaken by Jongin’s comment, his whole body tensing. His eyes unfocused at a spot on the table, his thumb twitching minutely against his jawline. Jongin sounded sincere enough, but the dark part of Kris’s mind took the laughter afterwards as a cut. It neatly severed any control he had over his emotions and they ran rampant, unchecked. 

Kris leaned back into the booth, lowering his head to stare down at his hands. What was he doing? He should have left it alone, he should have left Jongin alone and not bothered. He shook his head, pushing himself up from the booth and walking away, unable to speak anymore. Kris didn’t even go back to work, he just left the coffee shop all together, the jingling of the bell over the door chasing him away. 

[jju-jongin]

Jongin noticed the clear change in the other's demeanor, and a frown creased his brow slightly, unsure what he'd done wrong. He hadn't laughed with any type of ill intent, simply out of his own awkwardness at having been the one to break everything off in the first place and make things strange between them. But when he stood and aimed to leave, Jongin's eyebrows shot up in surprise, not having expected that he would actually leave. He parted his lips to say his name, but no sound came out and the bell sounded instead.

He knew that Yifan had some problems, he'd always been rather troubled, but this was something he wasn't really used to. And he wasn't sure exactly what he was supposed to do, he knew he could just let him go and leave it for another time, but the look on the other's face troubled him, it was the reflection of something dark taking over and he knew that all too well. So with a soft curse under his breath, he stood and followed, though he was well aware the other might not want to speak to him, or was already gone. "Yifan..." he called, almost pleadingly. They'd left it in a strange place as it was before, it didn't need to happen again with what was a presumed misunderstanding.

[waegurae]

[jju-jongin]

x

[jju-jongin]

x

[jju-jongin]

Memorium ⚖ Kris & Jongin

[jjuwu]

Kris felt a spike of electricity through his spine and fingertips as Jongin met his eyes again, trying to remember that Jongin had left him and he was angry about it. Right, he was angry. Full of righteous anger. But it’s the first time anger felt like elation and nerve butterflies trying to come out of his mouth. Jongin’s response made the butterflies agitated even more, to the point where Kris had to keep his mouth closed for a few more seconds and hum an affirmative response because it felt like he was going to vomit metaphorical insects from his feelings. 

Kris shrugged one shoulder, shifting to lean forward. He placed one elbow on the table, resting his chin the palm of his hand and half smiling at his former best friend. 

"Do you even remember what I looked like then? How could I not hide from that?" He replied, in the same teasing tone Jongin used, always being the first to throw the first stone at his own glass house. 

[jju-jongin]

Of course, to Jongin, people changed regularly, shifting in their moods and in how he viewed them, but it often escaped him to realize that people's perception of him changed just as much. Judging from how Yifan was around him now made Jongin feel slightly more vulnerable, unsure how he should feel or how to act in the moment. He knew things weren't the same after the breakup, but it was never more obvious than in that moment. And the familiarity of regretting ever wanting to be in a relationship came back, wondering why he'd wanted to break the friendship with overstepping that boundary only to shrug it off as though unimportant later on.

But the elder drug him out of his own thoughts, a slight frown forming at the words, but it broke into a slight smile if only to keep the conversation light. "What's that supposed to mean? You've always been beautiful," he laughed quietly, not sure if beautiful was really the word that was acceptable in that situation but it was all that came to mind. He shrugged, "It's weird though, how you've stepped so far away from it...Yifan...does anyone even call you that anymore?" he questioned, voice quiet.

[jju-jongin]

180114 Jongin & Junhee [Periculum]

[juniel-jju]

After trigonometry class, the brunette had an hour or two to spare before executing her shift at Candy Dandy. The study session, albeit entertaining, became quite platitudinous after a while. She was, in fact, significantly gladdened that the scheduled class was finished for the evening. Thus, the female decided to eat dinner early and spend the remaining time by merely walking around campus. She was one who adored venturing on lonesome pathways — most likely due to her personal restlessness — and she would gladly allocate infinitesimal moments to do so. And so without any pending delay, Choi Junhee carried out the following notions.

Even so, her dinner was not as pleasant as she initially hoped it to be. In spite of consuming a decent hamburger on one of the outdoor benches alone, she was obviously besieged by a particular element; a macabre remnant. The girl was evidently vexed, proceeding to tap the wooden surface imperceptibly with her right index finger. At the very least, she felt a trivial wave of triumph deluging her petite physique when she was able to descry the considerable displeasure on the spectre’s countenance. It was definite that such an expression was given due to the unnerving taps on the bench.

"Could you stop that?" finally snapped the apparition. "Preferably now." Junhee glanced at her visitant, one unseen to everyone else, with a diminutive smile. With a teasing quirk of the brow, she only resumed the source of annoyance. Though it was challenging to devour the said product with the use of one hand, it was possible. So she remarkably opted for it until the very end, throwing the small paper bag into the rubbish bin afterwards. The brunette continued her aimless journey whilst she attempted to retrieve the bottle of water from her backpack. The student permitted a suspire to surface.

The female was aware that humans were fallible beings, filled with errs but she was feeling defeated. On a June morning so long ago, she allowed this phantom appearance of her lost best friend to come close. She ended up regretting to have succumbed to emotions for it proved to be a distortion of the original. Certainly her best friend had been unparalleled and mysteriously indecipherable — plain evidence that she should have never accepted this equally enigmatic devil. Choi Junhee began to feel uncontrollable anger stirring from within for she wanted this year to be emptied from these dark deceptions when her footsteps halted. The fingers that motioned to unscrew the bottle cap also lost their momentum and spur.

From a distance, the female witnessed the subtle illumination of a male’s silhouette. He appeared to have escaped outdoors for a temporary amount of time, perhaps to grapple with the ever unpredictable reality. That would have been something she would humanly dismiss, if only she had not noticed his peculiar stance. This man of great height seemed to be in pain, considering the strange posture and demeanour he was radiating, but wait— A shadow floated past the corner of the student’s peripheral vision, indubitably interrupting her thoughts.

"Oh?" partially echoed the disturbing resemblance. "I think we have an unstable person within limited perimeters." Junhee bit her tongue, a little overwhelmed that this invisible male concluded the same thing she did. She did not entertain the horrifying thoughts of being likened to one like he. "Don’t use the word we, mister," mumbled Junhee acrimoniously. "I have no want to associate myself with you. Besides, you can’t say." A rich laugh emanated from the spectre, causing a cold smile to decorate on his face. Abruptly, he appeared by her side, catching her utmost attention. "You lie," remarked her haunting companion. "You know how smart you are, and your deductive skills are superb. That male is hurting himself and so you should stay away because I care most deeply for you." And the last few words were articulated with a mean chuckle, underlining the latest pretense.

Biting her tongue once again, this time she truly spoke of nothing to the hindrance. Nonetheless, it was true that her fellow peer was doing something harmful. Thrusting the unopened bottle into the backpack, her light feet embarked on their journey in the appropriate direction as a plan slowly formed in her mind. Just a few days ago, due to her rashness, she committed an embarrassing display of unintended proximity due to her vacillating consciousness, but this time, it was no mistake. She was going to do something about this devastating situation. Merely a few feet apart, the ghostly apparition appeared in front of her once more. “Don’t say that I didn’t warn you, my sweetest,” mocked the male, emphasizing on the much loathed term of endearment before vanishing.

Finally, she approached the unsuspecting male from behind with aberrant intrepidity, taking in a silent breath before implementing an action that could taint the stranger’s view of her forever. In a swift motion, Choi Junhee disconnected his inflicting fingers from the battered arm as she whispered a gentle, “No,” that fractured the despondent silence of the night.

[jju-jongin]

Most of the time Jongin didn't have particularly destructive impulses, he didn't usually feel a need to hurt himself or do something regrettable. Those sorts of things usually lay close in thought, and he considered them often, seeking a release of some kind from whatever pain possessed him for a time, but they weren't particularly things he ended up following through with. Pain was something that provided a strange sort of release, allowing him to know that he could still feel, that when the blood welled up along his fingers or a knife he was able to bleed and existed just as anyone else. Detached, that's how he felt all too often, detached and afraid of disappearing in some way. It wasn't logical, of course it wasn't, but so much of what he did was based purely on instinct as it was, and he could only do the things that made him feel more alive one moment to the next.

He wasn't conscious of whether or not anyone was around him or not, only wanting to keep the pain going and lasting as long as he could manage. He bit down on his lip, trying to suppress any possible noises that would emit and alert someone to what was happening. Not that he was making anything distinctly shielded from anyone's eyes, he didn't care. Perhaps if someone saw him they would think it was for some sort of attention, but it was purely based on him not remembering that he was in such an open space where anyone could come along and question or be concerned for him.

Most of the time when impulses such as his self destructive ones came when he was in the quiet of his own room, not outside. But it was too late to worry about his location, and he could only drag his nails downward to make the wounds worse. A groan escaped him, muffled by the way he was biting his lip, but the pain was consuming him. It was terrible, and he knew that he could just let go, that he had satisfied the urge to feel pain, but he didn't want to. He wasn't sure what his aim or intention was, just that he was reveling in the sensation all too much to be lucid.

So when someone suddenly approached, pulling his hand away from his arm, a quiet whimper left his lips. It was a bit of longing for the pain to continue, but it was also strangely relieved. He blinked a few times, trying to get out of the pain induced haze he'd put himself into, focusing on the girl who whispered 'no.' For a moment his gaze drifted to the small wounds that littered his arm, red and oozing, to the fingernails that did such damage. It was rather grotesque, but he turned his attention away from that to glare at the girl. "What are you doing?" he asked, though that was probably more in line to be her question. "Why did you stop me?"

[jju-jongin]

Memorium ⚖ Kris & Jongin

[jjuwu]

Kris felt panic set in beside the uncertainty and hesitation, his fingers trembling so hard he had to tighten his grip on his phone and clench the other on his lap. The small smile treated to him by Jongin exposed nerves he’d thought long buried, along with the name Yifan and any other feelings experienced under that name. 

He had to look away for a moment, turning his head to glance at the rest of the cafe. 

"Just a little." He replied, his tone light and teasing. Kris would have felt better if he was treated to a cold shoulder, if Jongin had brushed him off; this warmer welcome of recognition pained more than Kris could have predicted. He shouldn’t have bothered. Kris wet dry lips before steeling himself again, setting his cellphone on the table. It was over, the days of being bullied and being nothing— over. Kris had to repeat that to himself over and over in his head, seconds passing before he could look Jongin in the eye again. 

"I didn’t expect it either, but it’s nice to see you again." He said with a hum. "I heard this was a place to come when you have secrets." 

[jju-jongin]

There was something about the way the other was acting, Jongin couldn't tell if Yifan was uncomfortable or what he could label it as, but it didn't feel quite right. But that wouldn't make sense, he assured himself, considering that the other had been the one to approach him in the first place, and decided perhaps he was reading too much into the entire situation as a whole. They had both changed, in ways, but Jongin wondered if the same boy he'd dated was still under the mask he seemed to wear.

When the other avoided looking at him Jongin didn't push him to it, instead he simply plucked the cup from the table and took another sip. But he was strangely relieved when he did return to looking at him, finding a strange comfort in the other's gaze. It was familiar, it seemed less disconnected than so many other things.

"It's nice to see you too," he agreed, and it was. Even if things were perhaps slightly awkward between them after the breakup, it was still pleasant to see that he was doing alright. A brow lifted almost imperceptibly at the mention of secrets, giving a brief nod. "Apparently. Anything particular you're trying to hide from?" he asked, partially joking in an effort to keep the awkwardness away from the situation.

[jju-jongin]

Memorium ⚖ Kris & Jongin

[jjuwu]

Kris fought not to fidget as the silence between them stretched on. He felt Jongin’s stare, the scrutiny of familiar eyes. Of course there was a part of him that wanted to be recognized, the sadistic part of his brain that made him brew the coffee and sit here. His fingers shook ever so slightly as Jongin said his name, unsure and hesitant. 

He dropped his hand to the side, fixing his gaze on the other opposite. It was so easy to keep the look of disinterest on his face that it scared him, somewhere in his heart. 

"Took you long enough." He said, his voice bored even though his pulse was beating at a hundred miles per hour. He crossed one of his legs over the other, the corner of his mouth cocking up in a smirk. "Been a while." 

[jju-jongin]

The actual confirmation that it was him sent a strange feeling that Jongin couldn't really put a name to. There was a brief wave of nostalgia, and curiosity about just how much had changed. he wondered for a brief moment if Yifan, since he could no longer mentally refer to him as Kris, was rather unsure about this also, considering the past that had occurred between them, but he seemed so different than the boy that Jongin had dated.

A slight smile curved his lips, feeling strangely comforted at just knowing someone at the university even if the situation itself was potentially awkward. "You've...changed," he said by way of excuse, and so much had. Watching him so closely of course, the similarities were still there, the same look in his eyes and the set of his face, but something was innately different.

Jongin knew he really hadn't differed much from when they had dated, which explained of course why the other seemed to know him so obviously. However, he wondered why he hadn't mentioned anything earlier. "I didn't expect to run into you again, actually. What are you studying?" he asked, his voice even, but his expression was warmer than it had been for anyone in a while. There was a reason he had chosen Yifan to date, he'd always liked him.

[jju-jongin]

Memorium ⚖ Kris & Jongin

[jjuwu]

Kris leaned on the counter of the cafe, his chin resting in his palm as he looked over the slightly busy setting. He was on his fifteen minute break, well, about to go on it, and he was thinking about what to do. Normally he would just have a coffee and sit outside to enjoy it, but then he caught sight of Jongin sitting in a booth by himself. 

The blonde swallowed, the feeling of nostalgia and something else burning deep in his gut. Jongin didn’t recognize him, but Kris didn’t blame him for that. He’d gone though enough changes to make sure people like Jongin didn’t recognize him. 

He wasn’t even known as Kris then, one of the many names he’d had instead is what he remembers Jongin saying. 

Yifan. 

Kris pushed himself up, standing up straight and brushing the wrinkles out of his black apron and button up shirt. He’d lost weight since high school, a significant amount. His body shape changed, his face was thinner, his jawline more defined. Kris got rid of his glasses and opted for contact lenses, practiced his smile in the mirror until he didn’t show his gums. The high priced designer clothing opposed to oversized sweaters and jeans that emphasized how broad his shoulders were, how slim his waist was now. 

He pulled his apron off, running a hand through his dirty blonde hair as he hung the piece of black fabric on the hook behind the counter. Blonde suited him a fair amount better than the green and red hue he’d chosen when he was dating Jongin. 

Kris’s stomach jumped unpleasantly at the concept. 

"Yifan." A smile that made his heart stop. 

Kris remembered Jongin’s favorite drink from back then, of course he did. He made it, quickly and efficiently, before he had time to back out. To think about what he was doing. They both had problems, problems to severe to deal with by themselves; too stubborn to look for help then.

Kris sat down opposite of his co-worker, gently setting the cup down in front of him. He leaned back in his chair, taking his phone out and scrolling through the messages, not saying anything else.  

[jju-jongin]

Although Jongin tended not to notice people all that much, he was still rather astute at observing. Behaviors and inter-relations were always a source of intrigue for him, since he himself wasn't so good at actually interacting. He could always put on a pleasant facade, smile at the right times and make small talk that was unnecessary, but it only seemed to last for so long. Whenever he was around someone for longer the cracks began to show and something would inevitably happen to change his opinion on someone, or to make his problems shine through in all of their unflattering light.

He gazed around the cafe, observing people as they seemingly so effortlessly interacted with one another, tried to find some strange bit of tension in anyone or anything. It would make him feel less bizarre, were something the matter with one of them, any of them. But then he recalled that there was actually probably a lot wrong with a majority, perhaps they just didn't wear it on their sleeve as he seemed to. Or at least that was how he often felt, consumed with his own instability.

Through paying attention to the rest of the cafe, he failed to notice his coworker's approach until the cup was placed in front of him. His gaze flitted downward to it, questioningly, before looking toward the other, watching him as he sat down and seemingly ignored Jongin even after just giving him something. Strange, to say the least. But as he watched Kris, he felt glimmers of how strange he was anyway, something about him was almost unsettling. He kept bumping into him everywhere it seemed, and there was something that he always felt like he was missing.

"...Thank you," he said quietly, still rather suspicious. Brushing the thought aside for a moment, he picked up the cup and took a tentative sip, curious what he'd been given. A brow lifted minutely, wondering for a moment if it was sheer coincidence that the other had simply guessed his favored drink. And yet the action had been deliberate, and it seemed as though Kris was now actively avoiding his gaze.

Jongin set the cup down and looked at the other, studied him for a moment silently, without care that there was a silence stretching between them. His actions indicated he knew, and Jongin was racking his brain for people who would know what kind of coffee he liked. Thankfully, in a way at least, his pickings were rather slim, most people he didn't get very close to enough to recall. His ex boyfriend crossed his mind, but a moment passed where he dismissed the thought. His ex had been rather awkward, someone not particularly well liked by their peers judging by the times Jongin recalled him getting picked on, and the pain he knew he'd held. But the relationship hadn't been something Jongin thought he could handle, more of an impulse than based on any true feeling, and he'd brushed the other off with words of "I can't do this," and little other explanation.

But another moment passed, and he looked again at Kris before him, and the similarities became more apparent. He'd lost weight, his hair had changed, but his features..."Yifan?" he said suddenly, voice low and deliberate, the only indication of his being unsure was the slight intonation of a question. And of course, the nervous finger tapping he'd begun on the edge of his coffee cup. The name had changed, and he wondered if indeed maybe he was crazy for even entertaining the possibility of them being the same person considering just how much had differed. Maybe it was a strange coincidence, but perhaps it was him.

[jju-jongin]

Derange ♲ Chemi & Jongin

[xchemi-jju-deactivated20160112]

Kim Yongwon was not usually one for visiting the library. In fact, ever since the first time she entered the university she had never been to the library. However, on that particular day she felt that she should make use of the campus’ brilliant facilities by visiting the library at least once. As she turned a corner and walked up to the door of the library, her ears picked up on an interesting phone conversation.

Borderline personality? the female repeated his words in her head. Her eyebrows furrowed as she pondered upon what that meant. Wasn’t that some sort of disorder? After taking her phone out of her pocket, she searched the web for “borderline personality”. Her thumb moved towards the first result that came up on the search.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) (called emotionally unstable personality disorder, emotional intensity disorder, borderline type in the ICD-10) is a cluster-B personality disorder… People with BPD often engage in idealization and devaluation of others, alternating between high positive regard and great disappointment. Self-mutilation and suicidal behavior are common.

Yongwon drew a deep breath. Was there really someone suffering from such a thing in Jeonjin University? Her curiosity - and concern - stirred, she moved closer to the source of the voice, trying to see who the person was. She saw a boy around her age, his expression solemn as he talked on the phone. How unstable is “unstable”? the tomboy wondered silently as she recalled the information she read about the disorder. It was at that moment that the male turned his head and ended up facing her. Her eyes grew wide in surprise.

Oops.

[jju-jongin]

He listened for a while longer as the receptionist rattled off a few more things, and asked a few more mundane questions of him which he rattled off monotonously. In his mind he was already done with the conversation, not overly enthused at the idea of having to test out a different therapist in the first place. It wasn't as though he had one he particularly liked, he had issues with most that he had seen, but it was always more exhausting than he would like to go through the same routine with new people unless absolutely necessary. As he could sense the conversation winding down, he glanced away, still listening to the receptionist speak with only partial interest.

However, upon seeing someone standing there looking at him, a frown came over his face, wondering how much she had heard and why she was looking at him. He couldn't be sure how long she had been there, of course, ignorant of that which surrounded him, but the look on her face told him she wasn't simply interested in his date of birth. Another brief moment passed as he stared back at her before he gave a terse goodbye and hung up the phone, turning on the bench to face her.

"Can I help you with something?" he asked the girl he wasn't familiar with. He wasn't really irritated, surprisingly and thankfully, he was more curious why she was just standing there looking so surprised and...disturbed almost. It was his immediate assumption that she had likely heard something about his mental problems, though he wasn't sure if she knew the exactitude. "Sorry, you probably caught more of that conversation than you wanted to," he said, though the apology was only partial, more curious as to whether she was the type to intentionally listen in on people or if she had indeed just stumbled upon him.

[jju-jongin]

Masque ✜ Sulli & Jongin

Dance had always been something Jongin relied on to be something of a stability for him. It enabled him to be able to use some kind of energy and focus on something besides himself for a while, which was rare and almost irritating how his entire mental illness made him so incredibly selfish. In another bout of insomnia, he groaned as he lay in bed, unable to fall asleep for the past few hours. He'd tried, he was so tired and he yearned to have the pleasant slumber of forgetting for a few hours, but it didn't seem to come.

So with a groan he eventually rose from the bed, knowing that he wasn't going to sleep that night. Perhaps after he had thoroughly exhausted himself. While he normally would have simply stayed in his room and danced to burn off the energy, there was the new roommate to account for and he didn't particularly want to annoy them before they'd even really spoken. So he simply slipped his phone and keys into his pocket and slipped out of the dorm to go to the dance studio.

He didn't know what time it was exactly, but he knew it was rather late, so he didn't expect anyone else to be around. Most were asleep, as he envied so greatly, wishing he could be one of the lucky ones. But then again, he reminded himself that he should think of it as an excuse for extra practice and that was always needed, perfection could never be enough.

When he reached the area, however, a frown quickly took over his face at the sound of music being played. He hadn't accounted for anyone else being around, and hadn't thought about what he would do if they were. But here he was, and as he gravitated toward the sound of the music playing, a  part of him wondered why he didn't simply leave to go somewhere else, but he didn't find an answer even for himself.

[jju-jongin]

180114 Jongin & Junhee [Periculum]

While it was obvious that his mental illness effected his mental well being, people often forgot that it could have physical effects as well. Most of the time he was perfectly fine and it was mostly his state of mind that was effected, but then there were the impulses. The impulsive nature that went along with it could vary from simply strange to dangerous in many levels of extremity. He didn't know where they came from exactly, they just appeared out of nowhere and didn't even go along with a particular mood swing. Sometimes it was simply hell to try and decode himself, and the problem was that he often lacked that ability, too wrapped up in the moment itself.

All day he hadn't been in the best mood, varying between irritation and feeling immensely down about everything. Nothing had happened, there was no trigger, but that was the problem, he often didn't have a reason for many of the things he did and no reason for why he fell into moods. He wanted it to be explainable, wanted to be able to say why he felt a particular way, but it simply wasn't there, the words escaped him time and again and he couldn't even understand the entirety of it himself. The psychiatrists tried to figure it out, but it was still rather questionable, and nothing they said was ever satisfactory to him.

In an effort to clear his head and work off the strange negative energy that had been surrounding him that day, he stepped outside to take a walk, seeking distraction. It was always unsettling to be so negative, he never knew why it happened or how he would end up behaving. Because although his impulses came in incredibly random spurts, if he had some kind of impulse when he was in one of these moods they often ended up with some dangerous result. It was dark outside, and he briefly wondered when it had become night when it hit him.

He wanted to hurt. Something, anything, he needed to feel pain suddenly and unexplainably, but it was there. It wasn't anywhere near the first time he had felt that same urge, but it hadn't been for a while. The fire burned under his skin, needing something to cause him some kind of pain, and perhaps, he considered, perhaps it would enable him to relieve some of the anger and frustration that haunted him. No one was around that he could tell, though he was admittedly only halfway interested, instead already looking for some way to cause himself harm.

When he came up empty, not seeing much that would actually hurt, he simply began digging his nails into his skin. They were short, but they were long enough to gain purchase on the soft flesh of his forearm, and he dug in, focused on the half moon shapes that he could see forming, digging in harder and deeper, wanting to get blood. It didn't take as long as he'd expected, the need for pain fueling him and a hum of almost relief left him when he saw the blood begin welling up around his fingers.

[jju-jongin]

Memorium ⚖ Kris & Jongin

It wasn't often that Jongin assumed he would run into anyone he knew at this school, particularly considering he wasn't exactly the most sociable person in the first place. Sure, he didn't have that hard of a time finding friends if he so desired them, though they weren't really much by way of friends, more acquaintances and cling-ons. But sometimes they were good for distractions, when he didn't like to be alone with his own thoughts for a prolonged time period and when he simply wanted some form of contact. Often he secluded himself and ignored those in his surroundings, which made him seem snobby and stand offish, which in a way he was. He wasn't a snob, not really, but he simply didn't favor dealing with people often.

The problem was that Jongin had tendencies to get bored all too easily, with people and things and himself and everything. That's why he eventually always ended up ditching his friends, he simply lost interest because no one could really keep up with his ever-changing opinion of them or his constant mood swings. And it didn't bother him, not really, only sometimes when he wished he had someone who he was familiar with enough to speak with. But he just assumed that desiring a familiar figure was just yet another of his moods, and didn't pay all that much mind to it.

Working at the cafe enabled him to be around a lot of people, with many different stories and random conversations that kept his interest for the space of time they were in there, then they were gone. It was comforting, to at least be surrounded by interactions. And he could socialize as well as anyone when he was actually on-shift and waiting on people, because that was where he needed to be friendly and he couldn't let his moods or impulses get the best of him. It was easier than he would have first expected, but he was pleased with it well enough.

Of course, on his breaks and when he didn't have a shift, it was a different story, and he again tended to shut people out. It was after a few hours that he was able to sit down in one of the booths, a sigh leaving him in his weariness, though it was more mental exhaustion than physical. He was tired, and there was still too much he felt like he needed to do to be able to simply relax. As he sat, however, his eyes flitted about the familiar setting of the cafe, the different staff familiar though he only knew a few by name. He didn't really talk to most of them, but then again that wasn't particularly surprising since he almost never went out of his way to talk to anyone.