it rained so i went outside
my dad smoked camel reds for my whole childhood
so those are the ones i bought
i wanted to be relieved of my stress
i lit it with a yellow lighter after i lit a candle
i used my hand to block the wind like they do in the movies
like i was trying to be cool for someone who wasn't there
i inhaled and i inhaled and i inhaled
i watched the ash fall from my hand
i coughed and i coughed and i coughed
i felt it starting rain again, but it was lighter this time
i smudged it against the brick wall in my backyard
and then i threw it hard somewhere, so no one could find it
i walked away and i felt dizzy, i felt lighter this time
my vision was blurred and my balance was off
i kept thinking about my dad,
how long it took him to quit smoking camel reds
and i think about myself,
if i start, how long will it take me?
it started raining, so i went inside