The sadness comes in waves. I can only cry when I’m alone, but when I start it’s difficult to stop until it’s run its course. It hurts the most when I think about how much pain ong ba ngoai, mom, and cau linh are going through. I know everyone else is hurting too, but their pain affects me more because I care about them more than the others. My own feelings make me shed tears, but their feelings make me completely lose it.
I’ll always remember you for with your leather jacket. Your silent pain. And your love for us. The few pictures I found saved in my photo bucket of you are bittersweet. Now that I’m older, I can see you were struggling with something you couldn’t face then. I’m so sorry and wish I knew now then so I could help.
Cancer is an unpredictable and awful thing and I’m sorry you went through it without the support and love of your full family. I wish I saw you more and I wish I was made aware of it sooner rather than two weeks before your passing. I selfishly think to myself that when we saw you on the day before you died, that your hand twitch while I held your hand and looked into your eyes, hoping for recognition, was you trying to tell me you knew. It could have been a fluke, but selfishly, I want to believe it was more.
You, gone, hadn’t sunk in until today. And it still hasn’t fully sunk in. I know I won’t see you at family gatherings anymore. You won’t be having a beer, wearing your white shirts, leather jacket, or even turtleneck. Sitting in the circle at ong ba ngoai’s house playing cards. Catching up and telling me to keep going with school and to be happy. I won’t ever have a meal with you again. We won’t ever side bet again.
I lost a beloved uncle. My mom lost a little brother. Ong ba ngoai lost their son. Ba and all of the cau’s lost a brother. All of the di’s lost a brother. Michelle and Trishtina lost a daddy. Mo Long lost a husband. I’m glad I got to say goodbye. But it was still too soon. I am so sad. I feel like a fraud sometimes when I think about you and don’t cry. But know that I am heartbroken at the loss of you. I’ll always remember you and love you.
Thank you for being a loving uncle. Every time we saw each other was a joy, and I’m so sad that it won’t ever happen again. I love you and miss you. I hope you’re free and able to rest and relax, now. You deserve it.
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