musings of madness @jmarieproductions - Tumblr Blog

Forget what it's like to hold someone Delicate, they are running water You are a broken dam. Forget what it's like to kiss someone Soft, they are porcelain You are a brick wall. Forget what it's like to be soft yourself You, made of barbed wire A tongue as sharp as knives. Forget what it's like to love someone Sweet, they are peach juice dripping. You are a guzzling, greedy mouth. Consume, consume, consume. Take from them the parts of you forgotten. Take from them the delicate bits, Taste the blood of their goodbyes on your lips. Feel the warmth of flesh being ripped from bone. Wrap yourself in a carcass so beautiful, You almost remember to be alive again.

Forget - j Marie

#poetry #love #forgetting #literature #prose

I dream about the curve of your jaw How it was the same shape as the crib that rocked me to sleep The sweet, soft collision of teeth to tongue. I dream of all the soft parts of your body The skin that connects rib to bone Bone to hip All the tissue that makes up the sum of you All the tissue that I would like to kiss I dream of your lips whispering my name The drawn out bits, the straight to the point bits. I dream of tracing every inch of your lips with my callused fingertips. We are an intricate puzzle, woven and interwoven. I dream about the curve of your jaw. How it was the same shape as the coffin that rocked me to sleep.

Rocked me to sleep - jmarie ©

#jmarieproductions #poetry #writing #literature #Poems

I wonder how many nights you feel me crawl into bed next to you, spend the next thirty minutes adjusting and readjusting. I know you know how sick I get when the blankets aren't perfectly spread, yet you're unyielding;immovable. I wonder if you know how lonely that feels, the miles that seem to separate is, growing with each hour. As you drift off into dreams, I am left reaching, grasping for any semblance of sleep. My hands, my arms, my body is so tired, I am aching all over while listening to your deep and even breathing and I am a million miles away from you still. I wonder if you know how many nights I've laid awake waiting for a half conscious gesture, a sign that my body is more than just heat and skin and damage. That I am somehow more than the gaping wound of my body. Love is lonely when your brain is alien terrain and missing you tastes better than sharing a bed with someone that falls into dreams so easily. I don't blame you for the way you exist, so different from myself, but I wonder if you've even noticed it. If somewhere in those peaceful, easy dreams, you can feel the Arctic tundra sharing your sheets.

Love is lonely - J Marie ©

#poetry #prose #free verse #writing

Lilting and twirling, a red room spinning in and out of focus Why am I so breakable I think of all the dams I have built using my own chewed off fingernails Piece by meticulous piece Around myself in a circle So when the flood of all the madness I have welded to my sternum, to my rib cage, finally comes undone When the reservoir of my own rabid demons come crashing out of my mouth There is no one to witness it I think of the blood red tide in my sadness Killing all the pleas and cries on my tongue Stringing me beneath a harvest moon like a marionette and I dance and I dance and I collapse Tequila swollen mouth, nicotine induced awareness, skin smooth and shedding faster than I can grow beneath it. I am only human. I tell myself this until it finally feels like a truth I tell myself this until the knot of fingers around my throat loosen, I tell myself this until I can finally feel my bones uncurl from the clenched fist I've been holding onto. A red room spinning out of control, another voice in my head whispering, don't let go. I can never let go.

Blood red tides

#poetry #prose #depression

“Find a new way” woman

I like thinking of things to do more than I actually like doing them, as if the potentials of all these situations in my head are lovelier than I could ever believe. I fall in love with ideas the way I fall in love with the women I see on public transportation, each one different and full of promise.

This one has red lips and messy hair, rosy and wind-bitten cheeks; rosy and running. Long nimble fingers typing away furiously. This is my ‘find a new way’ woman. My ‘life doesn’t have to be this difficult’ woman, anxiety fueled fingertips, dancing because it’s all they can do to stay present, to remind themselves to care just a little bit more.

This one is all sleek and sharp edges, filed down nails and prim stocking lead down to impatient toes tapping away to the rhythm of today’s to-do list. This is my ‘I’ve considered every possibility woman,’ my ‘I’ve got plans A to Z,’ woman, my ‘I know exactly what to do,’ woman. Staring straight ahead, through the person across the way, calculating one solution smoothly into the next. An endless train of mathematics, far removed.

This one is carefree hair, ear buds audible from here to Timbuktu, teeth glistening and glowing behind nude lips, mouthing words without worry. This is my ‘who cares?’ woman, this is my ‘make your own path’ woman, my ‘you are capable’ woman. Dancing to the beat, radiating summer and sunshine and laughter, breathing life into everything.

I see them and think of reaching to them, have an idea of what it could mean to share a moment, a lifetime, with them. But I always end up the ‘hands knitted together and clammy’ woman. The ‘these dreams are just too good’ woman.

#love #prose #poetry #writing #words #ideas #anxiety

I wonder how much of my lifetime I have spent on apartment porches thinking of nothing and everything all at once. I wonder how many cigarettes I have put out on grounds, chairs, ashtrays, feeling nothing and everything all at once. I wonder how many lips I have kissed, the ones with bubblegum Chapstick, the ones with alcohol on their breath, so I could be nothing and everything all at once.

#prose #words #I'm feeling some type of way

From slumber I awoke Shaking and cold With the weight of our last goodbye Heavy on my lips I turned in the darkness Reaching for your skin Like a starving man Reaches for a lamb I sunk my fingers into your arm My fingers screaming with fear 'Sink into him' And I did, I do. Falling into you Is like falling into the sea Cold then warm then cold again Fluctuating and shifting Keeping me on my toes Trying to keep my head above the swelling waves. Falling into you Always feels like falling out of something else A snake shedding old skin The comforts of home lost Promise of the future dangling before my heavy eyes. Falling into you Always feels like a dream Honey gold and shimmering.

Sink into him - j Marie ©

#poetry #love

I've been thinking about getting the tattoo of your name covered up I wish that would quiet your voice inside my head You're not the same girl I loved so deeply The one I would do anything for That's the truth isn't it? I did anything for you And you still struck a match inside my lungs You watched me burn from the inside out Were you cheering for the flame or me? It's an important difference, Just tell me which of us you wanted to go. I wish I had learned earlier That you would set me ablaze That you would watch and laugh As the flames licked at my fingertips. I've been thinking about getting the tattoo of your name covered I've been thinking of extinguishing the last of you from me.

The match - j Marie ©

#poetry #toxic friends

I've forgotten what it feels like to love myself What it feels like to take my own hand To tell myself 'it's going to be ok' Because lately rock bottom has been coming up fast Like I'm ripping through the air at 300 miles per hour Like death herself is tugging furiously on the strings of my life But maybe Just this one big maybe If I open up my heart and let myself back in I can catch a low hanging branch And save myself

2015 - j Marie ©

#writing #jmarieproductions #words #self love #self care

I imagine all the ways that you could hold me That wouldn't make me feel like a piece of expensive China A touch that wouldn't make me feel as if I was shattering at the core I think of a soft wind on your fingertips Whipping the hair around my face I think of an ocean current Underneath my hipbone as your mouth traces the faults of my body All the places I have fallen apart before Trying so hard to mend me I can feel the electricity of your currents Moving through me, trying to piece me back together But there are no more bricks There are no more sandbags To hold me down in the middle of my own hurricane I imagine all the ways you could hold me As you lay next to me Feeling thousands of miles away And I can tell by the grimace in your eyes That you won't try a single one of them

Hurricane girl - j Marie ©

#poetry #love

The day is full of magical possibilities And I will fail to meet them I will not tell you I love you At the right moment When the sun is skimming the skyline A flick of a tongue across my ear I will quietly whisper it As the moment slips through my fingertips Melting from Orange and red To the deep blues of the endless night I will take a turn down the wrong street Danger slipping around the corner at a higher speed I will feel it hitting me Like an anvil catapulting 300 feet My heart caving in From the Reds of my soul Turning to coffee rings on pages of poetry I will miss every moment of your awakening The first moments when your eyelids feel like anchors To the deep rush of dusted morning air into your lungs I will be rapunzel, fast asleep and unable to wake My lips barb wired shut So even you can’t save me I will always trip over my own feet Falling Falling Fall I N G Finer than the first snow of winter With all the force of a tidal wave

#poetry #love

I am tired I'm not sure what this means in the grander scheme of my life but for now, and at least the last five years, I have been simply one thing: tired. I feel the weight of this exhaustion linger in the marrow of my bones. I feel the exhaustion filling me up like a drowning victims last breath of real air. I feel the tiredness hang over me with the weight of a comforter on a 95 degree Sunday morning. When you are waking up from a relatively peaceful dream to discover your body covered in sweat and suffocating. The months before I turned eighteen were the worst of all, a minefield inside my brain and I can feel the grip I have on this new life slipping, slipping slowly back into the old. We cannot escape the seasons of ourselves, I love the fall but I cannot live there all of the time. My soon to be frozen soul never gets the chance to thaw, is always soon to be frozen. There is nothing of me taking root into the spring soil, nothing of me blossoming beneath April rains but instead continuously shedding half dead leaves. I am tired. I am so full of exhaustion that the chemical makeup of my body could be its own participant in the periodic table of elements. I am no longer made up of the same things that relate me to members of my species. I am something else entirely. I am tired, I am not human any longer. I feel the fear of this knowledge pulling against me like gravity, trying to suck me into the black hole of my own sadness. I am tired and I am not much else.

#poetry #depression #writing #words

I think about who I am supposed to be In my fathers eyes I'm the argumentative child Ready to win a jury over Ready to convince the world That a man is innocent Because even at age 7 I have the power of persuasion In my mother's eyes I am supposed to be an actress Ready to jump on a stage Ready to convince the world That they are a part of this story In my sisters eye I am a mother Ready to take her in Ready to convince the world That we are doing just fine In my eyes I am a crumbling castle Ready to fall apart stone by stone Ready to tell the world I am okay inside the ruins of my body I think a lot about who I am supposed to be Strong, eloquent, graceful These are the standards I have spent my life creating These are the standard I have spent my life failing to meet I think about who I am supposed to be I think about who I am And how these two identities Overlap briefly A poorly drawn Venn diagram

#poetry #self identity

I speak of love From a tongue covered in blood As if it is an infection Inching Inching Inching its way through my lungs I speak of love From lungs covered in tar As if it is a plague Covering Covering Covering my body in dirt Love has always felt just out of reach Grazing my fingertips A burlesque dancer Feathers over breasts Showing but not revealing I'm sure I can love I tell myself this I can love I can feel And if I say it enough I start to believe that I'm real But the truth is My love is already faded black denim Washed one too many times Watered down whiskey Blurry music heard through a half deaf ear Love has never been sparkling water clarity It has never erupted Red hot magma through my broken chest So my opinion on love teeters It lives on the ledge Because love to me Is wanting to die But somehow still choosing to live

#jmarieproductions #love #poetry #writing

I want to speak the words That can change the world But my tongue is still dull And my throat still scratchy From the last time I thought that I knew them So I screamed them from rooftops From car windows speeding down the highway I screamed them from frozen waves And from every bone in my body But they were not the words And I spent so much of the little energy I have Spouting truths that turned out to be lies That's the funny thing about words And all these poems that ultimately mean nothing Even though they once meant everything Words mean different things to different people And I always wake to find myself Different than I was yesterday

#jmarieproductions #poetry #writing

I feel As if I'm swaying Sweetly and calmly A swing pushed By a gentle wind And without warning I feel As if I am a ship Stuck inside the waves Of a hurricane Rocking and sinking and cracking A crew of men A crew of me Screaming and trying their damnedest To make it through the storm And every time they do And they say That was close We almost died We almost went under But isn't going under sweeter? Wouldn't it be kinder To see those waves And think 'Being swallowed doesn't sound so bad' J marie ©

#jmarieproductions #depression #sadness #poetry

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