sadistic cyclical cynicisms

A tarot deck come to life, two faces: seven of swords and the chariot. We are a conversation of nuance, everyone is invited to this tea party. A conscious existentialism, whatever nuance resonates as us. 🙃 * Karmic Sheogorath * {Living Tarot} ~Meraki~ [♈♊)

[jmichvlog]

I like to translate my poetry into graphic arts

[jmichvlog]

"I Find Myself Imperfect"

Always drowning a nothing thought

I find myself imperfect

How I learned this, I was taught

I find myself imperfect

But I mustn't be bought

I find myself imperfect

By the glory that has wrought

I find myself empowered

By will my grace-release

I find myself emboldened

My torment will now cease

I find myself enveloped

Is it that I'm finally caught?

I find myself enclosed

Will this end in frought?

I find myself in Glory

The radiance I have sought

[jmichvlog]

"I Find Myself In Limbo"

Here there is a caption

Faces become the symbol

No need, we flow adaption

Life hanging on a thimble

Siblingship my calm

Imprisoned, my future tense

Conciseness my transgression

Self will, my recompense

I find myself in limbo

Charon my often guest

Neither here nor there nor hell

Where I am there is no rest

-Jaq Micah

[jmichvlog]

As an Aries, I love being an Aries. But when I'm distraught, something happened at my mind or pushing at me in the real, my mind does things. I impressed to internalize, suffocate myself in my own blame. Regardless of reality, regardless of the other perspective, it's my fault isn't it? I'll take your silence as a nod. But that's okay, I'm still better because of it.

[drownedxvalkyrie]

"The Cast-Off Memoir"

I am a conglomeration of the themes I write,

My life, and therefore my depiction, I have ink engraved,

Always alluding to what happens out of societies spotlight,

How splenetic I am that I will not depart this life unscathed.

I've crowded myself with despondency and silence,

Weakly reaching some semblance of veiled inclusion,

Always retreating to my shell in spiteful defiance,

Lest euphoria fill me with intoxicated delusion.

My life, a puzzle, formed from my verses,

From which my unfortunate story could very well be revealed,

Though that is one minacious road I recommend you don't traverse,

Some history books are best left discreetly concealed.

If my life were simple I would not have so many words to spill,

So many chapters to write,

The only way for putrid memories to dispel,

Insidious, dark words seem to be my only delight.

Although, the darkest of nights still has their silver linings,

Even when the moon doesn't shine the stars are just as bright,

Just the same, my every piece holds Hope's sacred signings,

And not every line is imbued with Nightmare's plight.

[jmichvlog]

What kind of person would pray for their own death? Somebody weak? Somebody not trusting of God? Somebody unwilling to continue through the trial?

All true. I wouldn't consider myself weak, and of course I trust God. And if my trial is to wait for people to get over their own bigotry to do the bare minimum to their child, is this even a trial?

"Lord God, our father in heaven, I pray to you please kill me. End this, because I can't take my own life. Please Lord, I pray for my own death. Amen."

And now I've done it twice.

[jmichvlog]

Thinking of pertinent conversations from my past, find myself in bed with my ex: "I don't date men, you are the one percent."

Turns out I wasn't the 1%, we just didn't know I was trans the yet.

[jmichvlog]

Found myself wondering just now, if pre-transition me had found a woman and married her, yet years later my parents had yet to experience love with her.

And then I wonder what would happen if I had died, and my parents had known of her and had shared moments with her. But yet hadn't become familiar with her before my death. What life would that be? What life am I actualized?

Thankfully my husband is still alive, he and I the same regardless. 💞

[jmichvlog]

I should probably see a psychologist, get a professional diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder.

It's interesting though, conversations before coming to voice. Although, you should listen in sometime lol.

Those that know we, know. "CHANGE PLACES!" 💞 Permanent tea party, hosted by the most interesting ideas. ☺️

[jmichvlog]

I should have told my parents when I was 14 that I was bisexual. I should have told them when I was 17 when I had my first boyfriend they didn't know about. I've always loved girls, The power contained in such an artistic form. But I've always liked boys too, they have a delicate handle on their emotions that is all too tempting to experience.

I cannot regret the life that I've lived because I hadn't revealed this. I can only wonder whom I would have become at what age. The names I carry now are the names I carried then, simply on a delay until 1 plus 2 equals 3 again.

If I had came out at 14, perhaps I would have been Josie by 17. If I had came out at 17, perhaps I would have become Evy by 24 - 36 years early. But here I am at 31 and they still don't know.

Evy would have been a boss bitch at my age now. I wouldn't have one (no) car, I'd have three. I wouldn't be living in an apartment for lease, I'd have a home built from ambition. But most importantly, I would have had the perfect big bouncy ponytail everyday.

I am curious what she will do for our last 30 years. Only time will tell.

[jmichvlog]

I slept outside last night, I don't deserve the warmth of my home. My mother told me through weeping eyes, she sees me as a serpent strangulating her son. I stand there exchanging vision with her, a knowing smile beneath my mask. This is the first time she has seen me in person since my previous to last birthday, and we're hidden behind medical necessity.

Trapped behind her own ideal of bigotry and judgment, knowing what she knows and everything else is evil. There I stood, knowing my mother is actualizing the idea of whom I've become.

I am more in tune with my soul than I have ever been, I'm more accepting of spirit than I ever have before. I embrace God like no one should ever been pushed to do. Here I am, not good enough for the person who cries because she loves her son so very much, but cannot stand more than a few mere minutes witnessing and loving the woman he has become.

I'm not good enough for my mother, the person supposedly dedicated and everlastingly loving the child she brought into this world. By her own words, by her own rights, she leaves her son on the floor, because that life was never asked who she was. But assumed to be the idea that everyone else wanted him to be for them.

But fuck me right? How dare I be the person that was never given a chance to speak.

[jmichvlog]

In the conversation of religiosity, I find it interesting how arrogant atheists actually are. They believe that they are intellectually superior, because this or that or whatever.

But there is a diminishing returns for their knowledge of that category, there's knowledge and wisdom beyond the textbook. And you can experience it firsthand, people do everyday.

We here on Earth, we are reflections from unreality. The third dimension is the third dimension... Of how many? What planes are beyond XYZ? Spoon?

Imagine this, we are three-dimensional beings and when we write the alphabet is in two-dimensions. If one were to comprehend fourth-dimensional, what would their alphabet look like?

Nuance. That is the language of dimensions above our universe. This dimension, video game, mirror, whatever it may be called. We're not real, and when you learn and learn and learn but disregard experience, you forget to feel. You forget the alphabet of gods, nuance.

[jmichvlog]

He and I are us. She and they and them make us we. "We are I"

The complexity from 12.

[jmichvlog]

I hadn't appreciated my grandmother's patchwork, and hemming of my torn clothing growing up. It wasn't new, and I felt I would be judged because of it. Thought I'd be shunned, because that's how I thought of those that I saw as such. Instilled that poverty is deserved. Of course it wasn't blatantly taught like that. But from observation it wasn't not dissuaded. We had money, we HAD money, so I felt superior.

We always had new, upgraded, first in the up and coming.

🙃 - You bet we had Time Warner, you bet we had HBO, you bet we had Roadrunner. - But so what? And it reflected at school, I had accesses so I had friends. I had accesses so I had good grades. But at what cost? I could never develop who I was. I could only reflect what was wanted.

But time caught up, so on and so forth. Appreciate the little things in life, learn what you have at your reach before you must reach for it.

[jmichvlog]

"I wish you would have left me all those years ago. At my hospital bedside, I told you that you deserve better. And asked you to break up with me. I'm sure you thought I was being overdramatic, but look where we're at now. That was a paramount point in my life, I'll never forget that. Thank you for being the best for me. But look at who we are now. We are strangers, and all for the better I suppose. Systemically unaligned, we are nothing but the contact on the other end is the person intended to receive. I wish you would have pushed me to build you a garden. Eventually I'll find somebody that will."

"You have it too good in life for us to be something again."

[jmichvlog]

i had to stare at a reply of yours for a bit. it is, weirdly but amazingly inspiring, thank you so much

You are welcome I suppose, I have no idea which thing I may have written. Glad I could fulfill regardless ☺️

[jmichvlog]

What do you think of Joyofsatan.org ?

Never heard of it, there is no joy in Satan. He was as he was, exists as he does. A niche in the field of existence. Garner him, or hate him.