hockey sideblog | bruins and flyers | but mostly screaming about the horror and ecstasy of having a body and using it to inflict violence upon others for the glory of a sport that does not love you back | main blog is @mothernaturesdaughter
heyy i hope ure having a good day. i was wondering whether we will get the final chapter of ecce homo. im so fricking hooked on ur work like OBSESSED ohhhhh im just hoping atp that you won't abandon it cuz man ILL BE DEVASTATED :((
No, I'm still working on it! I just started a new job and I'm a very slow writer, but the chapter is fully structure and atp I hope it'll be published maybe this summer
I'm very happy people are still finding this work and still enjoying it and curious about it, so thank you so much for caring
"all because I could throw a ball": on pitchers and pain
two pitchers warm up in a bullpen / ada limón, "the hurting kind" / mets pitcher david wright 05 / blue jays pitcher shane bieber 57 / pitcher matt harvey 33 / "Equine performance genes and the future of doping in horseracing" / dodgers pitcher shohei ohtani 17 / pirates pitcher nick burdi 57 / yankees pitcher carlos rodón 55 / yankees pitcher max fried 54 / cubs pitcher shota imanaga 18 / cubs pitcher ben brown 32 / pirates pitcher paul skenes 30 / cubs pitcher andrew kittredge 59 / phillies relief pitchers in the bullpen / Mary Oliver, "Blue Horses" / Mary Oliver, "Two Horses" / Blue Horse 1, Franz Marc (1911) / The Tower of Blue Horses, Franz Marc (1913)
huge s/o to @hxwae for the incredible original webweave about pitchers and racehorse which compelled me to explore similar themes <3
Leon Draisaitl: Ready To Pay The Price To Win It All
And I've heard that that is such a big part of who the Oilers are, is that the way you two [Connor and Leon] push each other to be greater. So this summer, how did you guys push each other? "Well, sometimes it's not so much saying, you know, sometimes it's just being on the ice together. We spent pretty much the entire summer together skating or a big chunk of it. And, you know, we push each other. We compete against each other and we want to beat each other, whether that's little games or whatever it is, or when we play together. We want to dominate and it's very healthy."
a question, if it's not a spoiler: connor's been in a whole headspace, but leon is pretty level (and never got the original sales pitch). is he also betrayed by the reveal, or did he start figuring it out beforehand? i guess we don't know who called the cops, either
It's a bit of a spoiler, but I'll try to do it in a way that doesn't ruin anything important. By now, I hope we all know that Connor is not the most reliable of narrators lol but since we won't get to see inside Leon's head (a lovely organized place), I can make his perspective a bit clearer behind the break.
I think Leon always sees Matteo as a kind of con-man, he just doesn't realize the full extent of it. He thinks it's something more "normal" like Matteo will just overcharge Connor for the renovations, skim more money from the top, something like this.
With this understanding, there's a couple of different things going on:
The first one is that Leon sees this as a calculated risk. He's a practical, cynical, pragmatic guy. He also realizes, in a more conscious way than Connor does, that even if this all goes to shit, they're isolated from real consequences, both by nature of having money, but also by geography, language, etc. Like, in his mind, no one in Canada will give a shit about some messy real estate drama in a tiny village in Italy. And in Italy, no one gives a fuck that a foreigner was scammed.
Second, even though Leon protects Connor, he refuses to be "like Lauren". This to me means he refuses to be manipulated into managing Connor's life for him. If Connor is unable to recognize his own sexuality and attraction, and Matteo is the way he wants to experiment with it... That's fine with Leon. He's going to adapt ("read the play"), in order to get what he wants (to break down Connor's barriers and be with him). He doesn't treat Connor with "kid's gloves", he lets him make his own fuck ups, even if he wants to be there to help him through them. He treats Connor like a grown-up, even when Connor would rather be a little uwu widdle baby (derogatory).
Thirdly, I also think Leon is manipulative in his own way, and he sees Matteo as a tool. When he arrives in San Vincenzo and sees what's going on, he's genuinely mad at the situation at first and he hates that Matteo gets to see this side of Connor first. But when Connor tells him he dreams of being someone else, that's when Leon understands how deep his self-deception goes, and what's the use of Matteo for Connor, and therefore for himself. He has no problem forming a sort of alliance with Matteo (the wolfpack) and orchestrating the threesome with him.
This points towards the way in which Leon in Matteo are also kind of mirroring each other, even Connor notes they're both very "European" about their sexuality, meaning secure, comfortable, slightly hedonistic. Leon does think Matteo is attractive, he likes sex, he likes how it makes his body feel, he doesn't have all the hang-ups and anxieties Connor has around it... So he's capable of "multitasking" in a way Connor is not, seeing Matteo as a slimy little con-man, but also as a hot guy he wants to fuck. For Leon, sex can be intimate, but it can also be a game, like any other.
!!!! hoooooly shit, that chapter was so good! I absolutely burned through it, couldnt even get up for lunch and now I'm making it at 3pm haha. all the interplay with Matteo and Leon, how Connor takes it from both of them but it means different and overlapping things, it's so smoking hot and all the emotional depth. and Mitch! aw I love him and how it's still about him and Dylan after all these years except for how it isn't at all, Connor's someone new now. and the cliffhanger!! it's Not his House? that's so wild, what does that even mean, how much is Matteo lying about. absolutely transcendent tbh, the update was everything I needed and more (and if you have any director's notes I'm so curious about your thought process, and any bits you want to talk about)
Thank you so much for reading and for your nice message! I hope it didn't fuck up your lunch plans too bad ahah
I never really thought about Director's Notes per se, but going to put down some thoughts about Mitch/Dylan/Connor after the break. These are not really organized, but I hope it's okay! Just some things I tried to keep in mind while writing, and hope come across.
One thing I was trying really hard to do within the story was to have things function in parallels, so we can understand that for Connor this is not just a vacation or a summer breakdown, but a pattern he both keeps creating, and also projects on others. And that's what Mitch is here for.
Mitch is Connor's mirror in a way. He brackets the story: the whole trip to Italy only happens because Connor is lost and projecting upon Mitch some sort of simple happiness he can't access. He wants Mitch to be his friend, but when Real Mitch reaches out and tries for genuine connection, he's annoyed and inconvenienced that he's not the same guy from his memories (projections) of their shared teenage experience.
That's why one of my sneaky favorite parts of this chapter is when Connor asks about Auston. Mitch's reaction, to me, is not necessarily implying that nothing is going on with Auston. They clearly also have their own fucked up co-dependent shit going on that comes from being the two biggest players on a team like the Leafs... But he's rejecting Connor's facile assumption that it's another version of Connor/Leon. Connor is trying to connect, trying to ask if he's not alone, if Mitch is also, somehow, like him... But he's unable to ask a genuine question. If he did, Mitch could've opened up about what's actually going on. But Connor's unable to step away from his own experience, outside his own head.
That's also why he keeps rebuilding these trios, like he's trying to make Connor/Matteo/Leon another version of Connor/Dylan/Mitch. When they were kids, Mitch was there as a buffer from his real feelings for Dylan, the real connection they shared. Mitch's presence made it so it was just "boys being boys", fucking around, it made it safe for Connor to explore his feelings for Dylan in the context of "okay, when we get to the NHL, we'll put all of this aside" (I also think here of how Mitch, and even Dylan, present as more feminine coded than him, therefore making it even safer, although I don't think it's a conscious choice, it's part of Connor's manipulation pattern).
Same thing with Matteo and Leon, Matteo (and Italy) make this a safe space where he can explore his feelings for Leon while thinking that when they return to real life, he'll just leave it behind.
Of course, that could never work... Because Leon is Leon (I love him so much, but won't go too long about him here because this is already long) but also because Matteo is his own person, with his own agenda. Again, Connor's lack of empathy fucks him over. Matteo is kind of the exact perfect predator for this moment because he understands he's playing a role, that he's giving Connor The Italy Experience.
I really wanted that, if you were to go back and re-read previous chapters, Matteo's manipulation be kind of obvious, not very well hidden. It's in the hand-waving of how money is exchanged, of the house buying process, the way he puts on a Proper Show of his family, his village, it's all catered to Connor's foreign gaze... And if Connor had taken the time to see Matteo as a full person, and not a commodity, he would've seen it. But he's trying to lie to a liar, making up his own false identity... So no real connection can be made.
With this, I'm not saying Matteo is some sort of villain, that he didn't have genuine moments with Connor, even with Leon... Just like Mitch, he has his own shit going on in the background, related to this woman and yes, to the house. I love Matteo, my little scammer, and I'm so glad this "twist" seemed to hit with so many people.
Anyway, I think that's enough for now ahah I almost wrote another novel. If you have more questions about any specific part or detail though, feel free to ask! I have a lot of thoughts clearly ahah
Thank you again for reading and still caring about this fic ❤️❤️
Hi! Congrats on getting married!! I just wanted to say that I’m still obsessed with your homo ecce Connor story and if you were ever inspired to continue it I’d be first in line to read. I hope you’re doing well ♥️
Thank you so much 😭😭 I was doing alright, just going through a lot and also not being able to write at all. But, alas, I did, and now there's almost 30k more words of Connor in Italy, learning how to be a person. Will he ever make it? who knows.
I’ve probably read ecce homo 3 times over the last few years and I want you know that I think about your Connor, the gorgeous positives—experiencing pasta for the first time in years, swimming in a natural pool, buying a formerly beautiful house and seeing the potential—and the expertly crafted heartaches—asking Lauren to still do his socials, drinking himself silly, traveling to Europe on a desperate whim to feel something good again—every week. It’s truly a magnificent work ♥️♥️♥️
Hey, I just want to tell you, person who left this lovely message that I lost for years because I don't know how the tumblr inbox works, that I've finally updated with chapter 3.
Thank you so much for loving this fic, even though it's messy and unfinished. I don't know if it'll ever be completed, but I still love it too.
Weapons. Trained, tested, forged in steel and fire. Failure is an inevitability that ends in death. Pain should not be felt--it should be recognized, familiar, and inconsequential
Martyrs. In the form of servants and princes, of leaders and underdogs. If blood is necessary, the martyr will lift their hands and offer it all
Shields. Like tempering a sword, but only to bear and not to lash out. Wounds are medals--not symbols of pride, but symbols of worth. A pretty shield is useless; scars mean a job well done
Experiments. Raised on the cold comfort of a lab table. Restraints are only necessary when they're not in their right mind. Is it honorable, to be twisted beyond recognition? Or is it just a necessary evil?
Monsters. Cruelty, caution, and regarding one as a creature beyond reasonable thought is tempering in its own right. But if you keep a leash at the right length, perhaps the massecre won't reach you. One can hope.
Idols. Pretty face, pretty name, pretty hands around their shoulders and throat. There to seduce, manipulate, force any feeling to come to the surface and twist it to their favor. Any genuinity stays locked behind the guilded cage that surrounds their pretty little heart
Trophies. Status and wealth and the traditions that keep someone at their heels, on their knees, to display and serve and decorate one's ballroom.
Sacrifices. Drenched in honorable clothes, prepared and adored and cleansed. The gift of hope at the cost of one's life. Is it taken with no fight? How can you escape the ropes you were born in?
Click for image quality, notes/sources under the cut.
Peace and Quiet by Ron Hawkins | Images from Getty, article headlines and bodies, as well as screencaps of Nazem Kadri's book text and others typed into Ellipsus
God. this idea has been haunting me since April. my music listening habits were wracked by a wave of Canadian rock, and I am a changed person, and this is finally outside my brain. I inflict it upon you. Enjoy.
Only today, a few hours ago, (technically yesterday, since its past midnight now), I found an article that told me that this song had been the Leafs anthem for their pre game video back in 2016. It's funny, these coincidences, and the person upon whose mention I found this band probably knew that. I didn't. Blabbering aside, the 2015 boys are dear to me, and I hope this shows some of it.
