15 THINGS THAT PEOPLE THAT ARE ON FIRE ARE SICK OF HEARING:
1) Wow, aren’t you hot?
YES I’M HOT, I’M ON FIRE
2) Why did you allow yourself to be set on fire?
DO YOU THINK I DID THIS DELIBERATELY
3) why don’t you put some water over yourself?
DO YOU THINK IF I COULD I WOULDN’T HAVE ALREADY DONE THAT
4) Stop, drop and roll!
WOW YEAH I HAVEN’T HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE
5) Have you ever just tried not being on fire?
WHAT THE FUCK
6) Ah! Get away from me, you’re so hot!
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS
7) Wow, that’s a really nice Ralph Lauren jumper and you’re just ruining it
THAT IS THE LEAST OF MY PRESENT CONCERNS
8) Well I’ve had pretty hot days too - I once went on holiday to Australia you know - but you don’t hear me screaming about it, I just got on with my life
I AM ACTUALLY ENGULFED IN FIRE, THERE ARE LARGE FLAMES COMING OFF OF ME
9) well I knew you were gay but I didn’t know you were a ‘flaming’ homosexual!
FUCK OFF YOU HOMOPHOBIC WANKER BUT BEFORE YOU DO COULD YOU PERHAPS CALL THE FIRE BRIGADE
10) ugh, you smell like burnt hair
I CAN’T HELP THE FACT THAT MY HAIR IS BURNING
11) hey, could you move to a different seat? I’m trying to watch Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy and there are large plumes of black smoke arising from your body
WHY DON’T YOU MOVE, I’M TRYING TO ENJOY MY LAST MOMENTS WITH A FILM THAT CAST VIN DIESAL AS A TREE
12) ouch! I just scolded myself on your left elbow!
COULD YOU PERHAPS NOW IMAGINE HOW I FEEL?
13) your screams are worrying my Chuwawa, Scampers!
I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR DOMESTICATED RAT OF A ‘DOG’ WOMAN, I AM BURNING, TO DEATH
14) as a kid, did you really relate to people like Joan of Arc?
I HAVEN’T ALWAYS BEEN ON FIRE, NOR WAS I AWARE THAT SUCH A FATE WOULD ONE DAY BEFALL ME
15) hey, why did you just drop onto the floor? It’s pretty lazy to just give up. Hey? Hey? Mark? Hello? …Mark? Mark, hello?