Fool Me Once

[johntwink]

Dating history like playing Pokémon, gotta fix ‘em all

[johntwink]

My sister deadset just tried to show me a YouTube video, cracked the spine of a 3inch deep laptop and told me “sorry mr Firefox is updating” followed shortly by “do you mean to tell me Firefox is outdated??”

[escuerzoresucitado]

[johntwink]

Once heard a man whisper “I deserve this” under his breath during sex.

[johntwink]

You (gas)light up every room you walk into.

[johntwink]

Teenagers these days don’t know what a Lo-fi filter is and it shows. They aren’t being humbled in a controlled environment by Sierra. Bring back self flagellation through Mayfair I say.

[johntwink]

If you see me wearing a tinfoil hat just know it’s to keep you safe from my thoughts not the other way around.

[daily-spooky]

[johntwink]

Imagine being the personality hire in a threesome.

[pisboy]

“widow is dressed sexy to distract and seduce her enemies”

she’s a sniper

[pisboy]

*notices a blue dot on the horizon* ah!!!! me pengy *a bullet passes right through my skull*

[codewitch]

Today I encountered an especially pathetic Italian greyhound. His owner told me that a gust of wind once blew him into a lake.

[johntwink]

Hozier is the only valid argument against the 4b movement.

[johntwink]

Gonna start calling hotties UTIs in the making.

[johntwink]

Just tried to lady and the tramp spaghetti kiss a cutie out in public but with their lit cigarette.

[johntwink]

How do I get my hands on an old school prophecy? I need to feel like this is leading somewhere.

[johntwink]

Writing “must be sold to someone who doesn’t believe in ghosts” under all my marketplace listings.

[johntwink]

Hot people who aren’t doing really weird dumb shit are wasting their hotness. You can get away with anything climb in the fountain.