Open letter to the man who couldn’t love me.
Dear you,
Today, for the first time since we broke up, I cried.
It’s not because I miss you.
It’s not because I still love you.
It’s not even because everything finally came crashing in.
It’s been over a year since I fell out of love with you.
No. Today I cried because I finally felt the damage you did to me, and I realized that everything that happened was not my fault.
I cried hard. My head hurt and my heart hurt and everything hurt because I finally felt relief. The anxiety of feeling like I wasn’t good enough, trying to figure out what I did wrong and why I wasn’t good enough for your love? The years I wasted trying to be enough for you, I finally realized I was good enough for you. You just couldn’t see that. We were so young, so how could you have?
Sure, you told me you loved me. And we loved each other. And I believed it all. But you didn’t love me the way I needed you to.
You didn’t put me first. You chose any and everything before us.
You didn’t want to spend quality time with me.
You didn’t kiss me good night.
You didn’t tell me you loved me daily.
You wanted nothing to do with building a future together.
You expected me to do all of the work.
You yelled at me whenever I messed up.
I cried and you wouldn’t comfort me.
You grew angry with me easily.
You made sure to point out my flaws and not let me forget they were there.
You made me feel like no one would ever love me like you did.
I threw my whole self into our relationship only to be dropped on my face, desperately clinging onto us and trying to put the pieces together as they shattered. I wanted it to work; I truly wanted it to work. I had imagined a life for us full of laughing, crying, joy and sorrow as we navigated growing old together. I saw us having children and having pets and living in a house working our asses off for everything we ever wanted.
But somewhere along the way, we lost track of who we were and we never recovered. I tried to fix you while I tried to fix myself and ended up losing in the end. I didn’t just lose the man I was in love with, but I lost my best friend as well. And even though I didn’t cry the day I left you, I spent many nights crying myself to sleep trying to find the solace I found that morning when I packed my things and left.
So today, I cried. Because I found a man who loves me the way I need to be loved. Someone who has become my best friend and who believes I am too good for him. Although most days, I think he is too good for me. And I finally realize what it means to be in a healthy relationship with someone who loves me the way I feel I deserve. I cried because I finally know what love is supposed to feel like and it hit me like a train.
This letter is meant to thank you.
Thank you for all the lonely nights.
Thank you for the emotional abuse.
Thank you for all the broken promises.
Thank you for the cancelled dates.
Thank you for never being there for me.
Thank you for pushing me to fight for my happiness, because without this experience, I would have never ended up where I am today, which is on my own, building a name and a life for myself and being stronger than I was when I was with you. You helped me realized my worth and that I deserved more than you were equipped to give me. I met someone who gives me everything you couldn’t. You set me free and I’m a better person after having been with you.
