De Profundis #48 - | 7 years ago |
Kurt Daniels shot this video. I had more hair then, even when it was buzzed.
Back in high school he was the first person who told me I might need to write songs and sing em. Thanks Kurt, for being my first cheerleader and current friend. I’ll dedicate a song to you on a record of mine someday.
I got that guitar in 8th grade. It’s still the only one I own. It’s been broken and busted up and put back together. Minor surgeries is all we’ve both really ever needed. She’s my longest standing gal. I’ve just never been able to quit on her or get something newer, nicer, sexier, shiny. There’s still too many songs her and I need to write together. It’s easy to do when being poor is just the way it’s been.
When I got that guitar it was so that I could learn to lead worship. We’ve done a lot of that together. Then my heart broke a bit too hard and I couldn’t sing those songs for anyone anymore, or for myself. The band broke up too, so there went those songs with those people. But, I still had to sing and play with her. Enter songs like Long Black Veil. Someone said it best, “All you need is three chords, and the truth.” That feels true.
When I started leading I wasn’t very good. My worship pastor even told me, “Joseph, the bad news is that you don’t have a very good voice, yet. It’s good enough. That’s all that God wants, I think. The good news, is that if you just keep singing in your car, while you run, while no one is looking, you’ll start to find your own voice. Don’t get tricked into thinking you’ve got to sound like anybody else. Don’t get discouraged that it’s gonna take a long time. Keep singing.”
Jim Fowler is a wise man. He’s no longer a worship pastor. He’s a cop. I bet he still sings in his patrol car.
My new worship pastor is Jung Park. Funny, I just realized that they are both Korean! That’s fun. It was in his silence the past few years that I’ve begun to heal, enough. Enough to start wanting to sing again. For myself, first. For the rest of you, because songs are most alive when they are shared with honest hearts attached to open ears.
Tyson Motsenbocker, Mike Edel, and Ethan Hulse showed me how to make a well worn path. They even got me out of my own shame and head enough to cut a 6 song EP. I never had the courage to let it be finished and sent out into the world. I’ll do it soon. I promise.
I’m gonna start writing and singing songs again. If you want to listen in, great. If not, that’s just fine. I don’t need you. I’ve got her, and we are gonna just hang out and try to be alone enough together to hear the songs. Then, we’re gonna midwife them into the world together.
Because, all I really want to do is to sing with my whole heart wide open.
