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[jonah-the-nb]

HeartBreak (or Finding Myself)

I fell hard and fast for a friend. Someone I should never have fallen for. But our baggage and trauma matched. Feelings are mutual; the tension between us can be cut with a knife. Her family loves me. Her kids and sister have asked if we are dating yet. So it's not in my head; I'm not the only one who sees that something IS there; that something exists between us. Something more than friendship. The texts, flirty pictures and things she says when no one else is around make me weak in the knees. I can actually feel my heart melt when she smiles at me. Her laughter is my favorite sound.

So why am I currently in Colorado instead of at home in California? She has been communicating less and less with me. I'm bipolar and an eternal over-thinker. It got to be too much knowing she was living her life and not giving a second thought to my existence or how I'm doing/what I'm up to. She has left me on read so many times and it has honestly messed me up so much mentally. So a friend offer to fly me to Colorado for a visit and to get a change of scenery and a different perspective. Don't get me wrong, the thoughts of her still creep in and I still get sad. But the last couple of days have been calming. I have learned to spin my bipolar thoughts and think a little more of myself and a little less of her. She no longer occupies my EVERY thought.

I know that going home in a few days may deliver a slap in the face as I will run the risk of running into her. I know she isn't ready to have the conversation that we both know NEEDS to happen. But I also know that I NEED that conversation to happen sooner than later. I need for us to either work this out, clearly define what we are and move forward or I need closure and to go our separate ways. I know that I probably won't be as calm as I am when I return home. I also know that I have a million things that I need to get done. YAY for deadlines. That should keep my mind occupied for a few days.

I'm sad, scared, lost, confused but also feeling more calm, mentally clearer and the tiniest bit braver. I don't know that anyone will ever see this, but I had to put it out there, if only for myself.

-Jonah over and OUT-

[jonah-the-nb]

Wow! It's been so long. So last year I was worried about having my little toe amputated in February. I made it to last November and had to have ALL THE TOES ON MY LEFT FOOT AMPUTATED!!! Its been a long recovery and I'm still not up to par, but doing a hell of a lot better as far as my health is concerned.

I've done it again! I've fallen for a friend. She's amazing, supportive, kind, fierce, loyal, funny, adventurous, a great cook, an amazing mom...beautiful inside and out! She's going through a lot at the moment. She knows I'm into her; anyone can see that. Her kids have asked her if we're dating! I don't know how to have the conversation with her. She plays the game and she plays it well. She flirts with me as well and I don't know how to handle it. Like...is she doing it to get a reaction? Does she have feelings for me too?

When it comes to women and how they feel, I am clueless. I'm so confused. But if I ask her how she feels and she doesn't feel the same, then I risk losing the friendship. I hate feelings; insecure, scared, sad, worried that I will lose her for sharing my feelings and asking about hers. But when we are together, she makes me feel supported, happy, seen, loved and like I am enough. I don't know what to do with this...

-Jonah-

[jonah-the-nb]

a good day

It’s been a minute.  And so much is going on.  I have to have my little toe amputated sometime in February this year.  I’m torn about this; I know it needs to be amputated because of the bone infection, but it’s scary as hell.  

I “came out” to my mom as Jonah and she has been pretty supportive.  She calls me Jonah when we are out together.  It’s best that she not call me Jonah within earshot of my dad.  He would absolutely lose it.  

Today I got to have brunch with my dear friend Alicia.  I had such a great time with her despite my anxiety.  Truly honored that she made time to meet up with me.  The last few days I have been questioning why she would want to meet up with me; I’m socially awkward, have panic attacks, stutter when I am nervous and so much more.  Today, I sat in my car before we met up and told my anxiety to take a hike.  I walked to the cafe we were meeting at and kept telling myself that I deserve this; I deserve to spend time with my friend.  I realized that I don’t NEED to put on a show for her, that it’s ok to drop my guard.  I embraced the fact that she IS my friend and WANTS to spend time with me.  She is a SAFE person.  She HAS NEVER  judged me, put me down, made me feel like I don’t deserve her friendship.  She HAS made time to get to know me, had several conversations with me about literature/poetry/books in general, accepted, supported and embraced Jonah, pointed me in the right direction and gotten me back on track more times than I can count.  I am beyond blessed to have this friendship with her.  

Then there’s Kate.  Another wonderful person I am blessed to call my friend.  I met up with her this afternoon for our usual shenanigans.  Again, someone I wonder about as she is just so cool.  She has done some amazing things in her lifetime and continues to do amazing things in her 70s!  I have learned a lot from her about showing up for people and supporting people.  She has taught me that it is ok to speak up and continues to help me find my voice.  

BOTH of these women have taught me that setting boundaries is not necessarily a bad thing, crying is NEVER something to feel bad about, it’s good to ask for help when you need it and that Jonah IS enough...just as they are.  

Over all, I would consider today a great day.

[jonah-the-nb]

an odd calm

You told me earlier today that you were moving.  Like...in the process of driving to your new home.  I was sad for about .02 seconds.  Then I realized that this is all I have ever wanted for you: to chase your dreams, to be happy, to be healthy, to be the best version of yourself possible.  And here you are...doing all of that and so much more.  I love you (in a non-gay way).  You are a wonderful friend and talented musician and I will always support you as best I can.  I am so proud of you and excited to see what happens in this next chapter in your life.  

-Jonah-

[jonah-the-nb]

sadness (one week ago)

That. 

Was.

A.

Trainwreck.

And.

I.

The.

Only.

Survivor.

[jonah-the-nb]

transparency

My crush. 

This woman who is just about the best person I know. 

A heart as vast as the universe.

And hugs as gentle.

As morning dew on dandelions.

Laughter that can turn a bad day.

Into the greatest day ever.

With eyes akin to pools of warm caramel. 

And a smile that could light up the darkest of black holes. 

Just being in her presence makes me nervous. 

Makes me lose all train of thought. 

I wonder if she notices. 

How my breathing quickens when we chat. 

Or how words always seem to escape me when we are in conversation.

 Everyone else in the world. 

(Or those in our world). 

Can see it. 

These feelings I have for her. 

And it makes me wonder. 

If she sees it too. 

If she does, she has said nothing about it. 

Which makes me wonder how she feels.

 And if she doesn’t see it. 

I am safe for another day. 

Safe to dream. 

Safe to be happy.

 If only in my mind.

[jonah-the-nb]

...My birthday and Christmas came and went and I didn’t get one card addressed to Jonah...

[jonah-the-nb]

It’s been a while.  So much going on.  It’s strange and disappointing to me how many people are willing to walk out of my life simply because of my true name.  It’s oddly satisfying that they choose to leave; it means that I don’t have to put up with their negativity.  It’s also sad that they choose to leave;  I know I will be ok though.  Always am.  I’m thankful for the ones who have stuck around and embraced Jonah;  the ones who love unconditionally;  who sit with me on my worst days and help me thru them; the ones who laugh and celebrate with me on the good days;  the ones who check in with me when my bipolar causes me to go underground for days at a time.  Alicia, Nicole, Courtney, Jenn, Emma and Gary...thank you all for the love and support.  Thank you for accepting and embracing that I AM Jonah.  

[jonah-the-nb]

I’ve been feeling sad and lost lately.  Panic attacks and anxiety are making it hard for me to leave the house most days.  This past Saturday I went to a concert by myself.  Almost didn’t make it as I was having a full blown panic attack.  But I am so glad I pushed thru and went.  Sarah Barrios was phenomenal and I got to meet her.  We talked for about 30 minutes and when I say she is such a wonderful, kind and caring individual, I absolutely mean it.  That night was magickal.  

[jonah-the-nb]

Yesterday was a weird day.  Not bad, but not good.  Just...ok in a weird way.  I had no energy and my allergies were so bad.  I messaged my friend Nicole just to say hi and check in.  Texts went back and forth for a minute and then stopped.  Which was fine as I knew she was still at work.  But then...THEN a couple of hours later she called me.  You have no idea how stoked I was as I absolutely adore phone calls.  Seriously, the best surprise and highlight of my day.  I love Nicole; she’s my best friend.  Never underestimate the power of a text or a phone call.  #ShesAKeeper #FriendsWhoGetIt #SmallGesturesMakeBigImpacts #CheckInOnEachOther 

[jonah-the-nb]

So I’m in Las Vegas for ClexaCon.  Been here since Wednesday and heading back home on Sunday.  ClexaCon is a convention that celebrates LGBTQ+ women in media. Actors, characters, tv, movies, music, books...they cover it all.  This year’s con is on the (very) small side, but still alright.  None of the individuals I was looking forward to seeing ended up making it (thank you, Covid), but my girlfriend is stoked that a couple of the ones she wanted to get autographs from are here.  A happy girlfriend makes for a good day!  It took less than an hour to walk the Vendor’s/Merchandise hall.  My haul for the day?  Seven queer books. All signed by the authors. And signed to Jonah. THAT was the highlight of my day.  

[jonah-the-nb]

I’m Over Thinking Again

So it’s been a minute since my last post.  Lately I have been over thinking again (thank you, bipolar).  Being in L.A. with friends has always been awesome.  And “coming out” as Jonah to those same friends is beyond amazing.  Being accepted for who I am has been so good for my mental health.  But coming home to Orange County and being Lina sucks.  I long for that next trip to L.A. so that I can be free to be me!  Is that selfish of me?  Maybe.  But it feels hella good to be seen and accepted for who you are.  I know my parents won’t understand or accept that my name is Jonah.  I really want to be happy and at this point, that means keeping Jonah a secret from my family.  Which sucks,  But Jonah is who I am and I have to protect that at all cost.  I’m confused.  I’m finally happy and I have to keep it a secret.  

[jonah-the-nb]

About Last Night...

Not gonna lie...last night I was in pajamas by 6:15...and then back in clothes by 6:20.  So what happened?  My friend Jenn sent me a message that she was in L.A. for the night and staying with friends.  She invited me over for a chill night of music, laughter, great conversations and new friends.  It’s always amazing to spend time with Jenn.  And her friends were just as loving and accepting as she is,  She told me that she liked all of my posts lately and was glad to see me happy and confident.  When she asked what had changed, I was stoked to share with her my truth and my journey to Jonah.  She was super supportive and beyond happy for me.  I’m not sure who was smiling bigger, me or her.  But this is what friendship is; love and support unconditionally.  She told me that Jonah was a great name, and fitting for me.  She said that the biblical Jonah was met with challenges and came out stronger and better than before.  And she told me that’s who I am; I meet challenges head on and end up so much stronger for having gone thru them,  She promptly changed my name in her phone to Jonah.  Upon leaving, she said “drive safe, Jonah” and it made my heart smile.

#SheCalledMeJonah #BecomingMoreMe #JourneyToJonah #MyFriendsMeanEverythingToMe #MyTribe #MyHeartIsFull

[jonah-the-nb]

Yesterday

So yesterday I met up with my friend Alicia (see my first post).  We met for breakfast at a charming little spot in Santa Monica.  This was the first time we met up one on one.  We usually see each other at shows around L.A. and are surrounded by tons of other people.  When I say she is probably the NICEST person I have ever met, I genuinely mean that.  So why do I find her so intimidating?  Alright, yes...there’s the whole part where she is ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS and pretty girls intimidate me.  But there’s also the whole part where she is such a wonderful person.  I see so much in her that I wish I had.  Her confidence, the way she cares for others, the fact that she doesn’t sugar coat anything for anyone are all things I wish I had too.  We talked for some time, and it quickly went from brunch with a friend to poor Alicia playing therapist for me.  (Sorry Alicia)  Though we have known each other for about 2 years, there is so much more I would love to get to know about her.  All this to say:  when you find a great person, it is a true blessing.  When you find someone who respects you and accepts you for who you are, hold on to that.  Oh, and she called me Jonah.  #HappyBoi #FindingMyTribe #ShesAKeeper 

[jonah-the-nb]

Hi, I’m Jonah

I’ve never cared for my given name.  I told a dear friend of mine this tonight.  I told her that I am happy being a lesbian, and my chosen name is traditionally a masculine name.  I was vulnerable and told her that while I am not quite ready to “come out” of the name closet to my family, I am letting a few friends know.  Being the gentle soul she is, she listened and offered only two questions:  What is the name you have chosen? Would you like me to start calling you by your chosen name?  

I told her that my chosen name is Jonah. “Jonah is a beautiful name” she replied.  It was the first time that anyone has called me Jonah, and I cried tears of joy.  It felt right; I felt so seen and heard.  She told me that she will do her best to not slip up and call me by my given name, but it may happen as she has known me for a couple of years and is used to my given name.  She made me feel so seen and loved and understood and supported.  I am truly blessed to know such a genuinely kind person.