HeartBreak (or Finding Myself)
I fell hard and fast for a friend. Someone I should never have fallen for. But our baggage and trauma matched. Feelings are mutual; the tension between us can be cut with a knife. Her family loves me. Her kids and sister have asked if we are dating yet. So it's not in my head; I'm not the only one who sees that something IS there; that something exists between us. Something more than friendship. The texts, flirty pictures and things she says when no one else is around make me weak in the knees. I can actually feel my heart melt when she smiles at me. Her laughter is my favorite sound.
So why am I currently in Colorado instead of at home in California? She has been communicating less and less with me. I'm bipolar and an eternal over-thinker. It got to be too much knowing she was living her life and not giving a second thought to my existence or how I'm doing/what I'm up to. She has left me on read so many times and it has honestly messed me up so much mentally. So a friend offer to fly me to Colorado for a visit and to get a change of scenery and a different perspective. Don't get me wrong, the thoughts of her still creep in and I still get sad. But the last couple of days have been calming. I have learned to spin my bipolar thoughts and think a little more of myself and a little less of her. She no longer occupies my EVERY thought.
I know that going home in a few days may deliver a slap in the face as I will run the risk of running into her. I know she isn't ready to have the conversation that we both know NEEDS to happen. But I also know that I NEED that conversation to happen sooner than later. I need for us to either work this out, clearly define what we are and move forward or I need closure and to go our separate ways. I know that I probably won't be as calm as I am when I return home. I also know that I have a million things that I need to get done. YAY for deadlines. That should keep my mind occupied for a few days.
I'm sad, scared, lost, confused but also feeling more calm, mentally clearer and the tiniest bit braver. I don't know that anyone will ever see this, but I had to put it out there, if only for myself.
-Jonah over and OUT-









