Getting a haircut is a good time to think about your future
Getting a haircut is a good time to think
I’ve just spent 45mins getting a haircut. I’m really pleased with it, not in a vain way, but in the way the guy took a birds nest and sculpted it into a hipster style. It is a real skill. Something undervalued. We (the barber and I) were chatting about it, and I know some pop-star stylists get paid big bucks, but in general I don’t think we (the British) value people with genuine skill. In my opinion, our social value system is a bit off when it comes to skills that have become too accessible.
I, like I’m sure you have too, have had success in the "accepted" sense. I’ve won awards, had promotions, pay rises and praise, and yet here I am, suffering from depression and a lack of self-worth, wondering what my place is in the world: Maybe as a result of receiving praise for hollow meaningless victories in the corporate world. Selling more houses that the next guy, or making even more money from a deal for a multi £Bn corporation is a soulless victory without legacy or any true worth.
Personally, I would take more pride and satisfaction from being able to create something - like a haircut or piece of art- than for doing a job/making money. This might be because I don’t consider myself “arty,” or perhaps it’s something a little deeper. Maybe it is because my personal value system understands the worth of being able to do something that not everybody can. Of course, anybody can cut hair, but I mean something that not everybody can do well. Creating something that touches the emotions and fills people with a sense of wellbeing ; with a legacy, that may only last a moment, but instils a memory of something positive.
A moment of realisation and of internal conflict
In recent years I have found myself drawn to searching out a simple life. A simple life that puts creativity, wellbeing and art at the top of the value system, yet I am still trapped by my love of stuff. It’s a contradiction that causes a real problem in my muddled brain. This yearning for a simple life without fuss juxtaposed to my love of Nike air max trainers and shopping in Waitrose.
I’m really struggling to get balance.
Some things I have figured out though:
1. I am done with being competitive in a work sense: I want everybody to do well. This is why I was less successful in my final estate agency job, but very successful at University where I worked collaboratively.
2. The simple life doesn’t have to mean a life of discomfort; you just have to prioritise.
3. I haven’t yet found an arty /crafty thing that i am good at, that also holds my interest.
James Wallman’s book, Stuffocation (2015) asks a lot of very probing and interesting questions on the subject of decluttering our lives and living simply. It explores the concepts of minimalism and experientialism, with the tag line:
“living more with less.”
I recommend it for those of us who feel similarly trapped and confused. For me, the idea of experientialism is attractive, but at the same time, causes yet more anxiety. I want to live a life where I can escape by kayaking down a river for a few days, taking pictures of vistas that other people may never see in their lifetime. Sounds idyllic right? But with it comes anxiety about having the right kit: the right kayak, a wet suit, a small lightweight tent, the right shoes etc etc etc.
So what has this got to do with valuing real talent and my desire to create things? Well, number 3 above isn’t entirely accurate. I believe I have the potential to be a fairly Ok photographer. Photography , although accessible to all, is one of those art forms that I believe is undervalued in our cultural system. Not monetarily of course: wedding photographers can charge upwards of £1200 per day, but in an artistic sense. Within the art world and photography specifically, there is value attached to fine works, but I feel the public don’t see it as a true art form. Maybe its too accessible? Everybody with a smart phone thinks they are an Instagram guru. Photography is everywhere too. Visual communication uses photography to convey messages, sell goods and set trends. As it is now ubiquitous, is it undervalued? I believe it is.
Don’t worry: I’m not on a crusade to convince you to value the pictures in your latest Go Outdoors catalogue as visual representations of an aspirational outdoors lifestyle. I’m simply making the point that when I say I’m hoping to develop my photographic practice it is with a sense of awe and anxiety about my creative ability. Imagine yourself setting out to become a painter of fine art in oils or watercolours, having not held a paint brush since playschool, or a sculptor of marble without ever being able to make anything out of lego. That’s how I feel about photography.
Added to my creative anxiety is the other anxiety I was talking about: getting the right kit. So do I NEED that £2000 camera and those five £400 lenses? Will they make me a better photographer? Will I be able to achieve my aim if I have a £300 camera and only two £200 lenses? The logical answer is of course no, I don’t need the top of the range kit. For a start, I wouldn’t know how to use it. But in my mind, it is another barrier to my happiness and creative success.
Sorry for the lack of a helpful insight
I really wish I knew how to overcome this. For anyone who has read this far and was expecting a “lightbulb” moment where I share the secret to overcoming anxiety, I am very sorry.
What I can tell you is that I’m going to do it anyway. I am genuinely scared of putting it out there that I have decided to try to become a working photographer. I’m really conflicted: what if I’m rubbish? What if people laugh at my lack of kit? What if people don’t value what I’ve created and think it’s easy?
It would be very easy to make a statement: NONE OF THAT MATTERS AS LONG AS I KNOW THE TRUTH ! But it simply isn’t true at this stage. Maybe as I venture along this road I will find some sort of comfort that will help me overcome these anxieties and become happier with myself?
An unexpected journey, but without the hobbits
This wasn’t meant to be a journey of self-discovery and that last sentence came as a surprise to me. You may have been expecting it, but I genuinely wasn’t. All I know is: when I stop and listen to my inner thoughts, blocking out the higher level anxiety shouting, I feel calmer when I’m outside ( I mean really outside, away from people and clutter) and I get a sense of achievement from capturing a moment in space/time that will never be repeated.
So here I go. Im sure it’s going to be a fun adventure .
Wallman, James 2015. Stuffocation: Living more with less. London: Penguin Books.
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