ɪ'ᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴋɪɴɢ ʜᴇʀᴇ

[ ♞ ] ＫＩＭ ＪＯＮＧＩＮ just call me Kai nothing else. seventeen years old, ace soccer player team captain [[ Not the real Kim Jongin/Kai. ]]

[jonginxbw]

[ Just in case for those not yet added in the ooc blog, I'll be answering any messages I have now, plus sending out welcome messages so in the meantime if you'd like to plot with Jongin, like this and I'll send him your way! ]

[exolutely]

[krismebaek-blog]

[blondejongin]

dodgers jongin [ 130825 SBS Inkigayo ]

[jonginxbw]

[ || ] PATIENT #3384921 INFORMATION

DAY 01:

2013, August 04 [06:13]

Birthname: Kim Jongin

Birthdate: 960114

Case: Patient came in complaining of a swollen hand. Fingers, in particular, in pain. Unable to flex fingers, shooting pain radiating from fingers to knuckles. Patient mentioned that their hand was smashed by a blunt object, may have broken or fractured their fingers as a result.

Notes:

First admitted to Seoul National University (SNU) Hospital; time approximately 02:15

Arrived via ambulance with another patient

Condition:

Ring, middle, and index fingers on left hand with noticeable swelling

Tenderness, red

No bruising

Patient Concerns:

Painful to flex fingers

Occasionally lost feeling in hand

Feeling of something tearing when flexing

—

DAY 02:

2013, August 05 [15:39]

Notes:

X-rays scheduled for patient to determine cause for complaints previously noted

Expressed urgent concern to be released as soon as possible

Condition:

Fingers determined to be broken at the base, closest to the knuckles

Treatment and recovery options discussed

Patient Concerns:

Numbness

Red and tender to touch

Swelling

Hurts to use hand

—

DAY 03:

2013, August 05 [13:02]

Notes:

Temporary splints placed on broken fingers

Cast to follow suit as time goes on

Directions and guidelines explained to patient

Patient discharged even against wishes to stay and recovery

Left with patient they first arrived with -- other patient placed in ICU, in danger of bleeding out -- sneaked out (?)

Condition:

Swelling continued after initial breaking of the fingers

Ice pack given to reduce the swelling and pressure

Slight improvement upon application

May require up to three months to heal under proper conditions

Patient Concerns:

No concerns expressed prior to departure

—

DAY 04:

2013, August 10 [01:58]

Notes:

The same two patients returned to the hospital not even a week since the previous visit

Follow-up with our patient

Discuss future options for healing

Condition:

No worsening of the condition

Improvement not yet noticeable, needs more time

Swelling less severe opposed to previous visit

Patient Concerns:

Hurt to flex fingers

—

DAY 05:

2013, August 11 [11:01]

Notes:

Despite recommendations, patient slept in patient #2748573 room

Another x-ray conducted -- be sure bones are aligned properly in the splints to make for a proper healing

Condition:

No new changes

Patient Concerns:

No concerns

—

>> PATIENT INFORMATION OMITTED <<

Unable to retrieve records on patient #3384921 from August 12 - September 08

DAY 06:

2013, September 19 [14:30]

Notes:

Brief follow-up with patient

Check for any signs of improvement

Bones still aligned correctly

Remove splints, replace with small cast

Bind fingers

Condition:

Major improvement since last visit

Very little swelling

Bones healing in the correct positions

Patient Concerns:

Hand went almost completely numb after the first week of having fingers broken

—

DAY 07:

2013, September 28 [13:13]

Notes:

Follow-up

Make sure fingers are still healing, no complications

Condition:

Slight improvement since last visit

No other discernible qualities

Patient Concerns:

No new concerns

—

DAY 08:

2013, October 13 [9:40]

Notes:

Routinely check-up

Possibly discuss options of removing cast, returning to splints

Replace old bandages with newer ones

Condition:

Bones at the base of the three fingers aligned

Some bone fragments still jutting out, disconnected

Patient Concerns:

No new concerns

—

DAY 09:

2013, October 31 [15:10]

Notes:

Examination

X-ray

Follow-up

Physical therapy test

Condition:

Cast removed

Fingers nearly completely healed

Patient mentioned improvement, gained feeling in their hand

Patient Concerns:

Slight difficulties with flexing fingers upon being given the physical therapy test

Dull pain near knuckles

—

>> PATIENT INFORMATION OMITTED <<

Unable to retrieve records on patient #3384921 from November 01 - November 06

DAY 10:

2013, November 06 [10:33]

Notes:

Upon further inspection and reviewing of past notes, patient's story did not follow through with wounds inflicted

When confronted about an error in their story, patient r—

Access Denied!

a fatal exception has occurred at 0043:CF3384921 in UNW UKK(03) +

3384921. the current file will be terminated.

* press any key to terminate the current file,

* press CTRL+ALT+DEL again to restart.

- press any key to continue ___

[ WARNING ]

security breached! file terminating in t - five seconds.

[ohxing]

[shimseulran]

[jonginxbw]

Kai, Lay, & Hyoyeon

[jonginxbw]

—my confessional vows;

Dear --,

How have you been? Are you doing well?

I'm good. I haven't changed much since we last talked. Has it been a few years already?

I don't know where you are, but I write these letters and keep them for myself to reflect back on whenever I end up stumbling upon them again.

And each time I do, I regret it.

I broke a few of my fingers a few weeks ago. Nowadays whenever I look at the bandages that enclose them, and whenever I go into the nurse's office to have them re-bandaged and the doctor's office to have them examined, I'm desperate to have them healed already.

I make such careless mistakes that I don't even realize it until it's too late.

While getting ready for my gym class the other day, I was changing and noticed multiple bruises on each of my legs.

I think I got them because of soccer.

I had one at the back of my leg that's been there for almost two weeks now. It's still pretty purple and red. It's almost the size of my hand and for a few days it hurt to walk.

It's getting a lot better now. But someone asked what happened and I said I fell.

And they laughed and flicked my head.

They told me to promise them to stop getting hurt so much and I laughed too.

Do you remember how you used to always call me a clumsy boy?

That I should be more careful otherwise one day I'll wind up in the hospital and you'd be there to say you've told me so.

But it's been a few years since we've talked. Are you still alive? I don't know where you are and you don't know where I am.

Maybe you think I'm dead as well.

Sometimes I feel stupid writing these because I'm writing to no one. I'm writing without a purpose and these letters of mine will never be read.

And I don't want them to be.

Yet I feel like I'm talking to you for the second time today and it's comforting.

That's why I scribble out and tear what I write to shreds until they can no longer be carefully pieced back together for someone to decode my messages.

And I will rip this paper up when I finish.

If I make a mistake, I can go back and erase and rewrite what I meant to put. I can't do that when I'm talking.

I can't erase and edit the past to suit how I want it, unfortunately. But I think everyone's had those moments.

I'm sitting by the window and it's windy. I see the trees swaying and leaves rustling. I see the leaves coming undone from branches and gliding to the ground.

Yesterday, it rained. It rained a lot. And there was lightning. We had soccer practice late in the afternoon when it rained and it felt nice to be soaked.

I slipped a couple of times and skidded my knee into the grass and got mud on myself.

Now I see what you meant by clumsy.

The lightning that flashed overhead always had my attention. While my coach joked about us getting struck by lightning, I still found it interesting.

Storms are common here, but I still love the rain. The lightning too. But I'd prefer watching it from indoors.

I'm exhausted. My back and arms hurt. But that's my fault.

A massage sounds nice. But I don't think I have the money to afford one of those nice ones. Hehe.

You know how I used to always dye my hair brown back in middle school even though it wasn't allowed?

My school right now allows different hair colors. I like that. I had mine dyed blonde almost a month ago. I think it looks nice. It does make me stick out pretty badly. I might go back to brown soon.

We used to joke together whenever I told you that I got sent to the principal's again for getting caught with dyed hair. And they'd dye it back to black.

There's this girl in one of my classes and I look at her sometimes. She looks like this one celebrity from when they were younger. And a few times she caught me staring at her and it felt awkward.

Have you ever done that? Just stared at someone because they seemed familiar? Or looked like someone you knew?

It's four in the morning and I haven't slept yet. I was restless all night. I know you'd scold me and tell me to sleep if you knew that.

I spent the past two hours writing this to you. But I actually spent the past two hours wasting my time. Because this will never be read.

Sometimes I just write what's on my mind. It would be strange and embarrassing for me to even think about talking about myself. How do you girls do that? You talk about your emotions and talk about clothes all day long. I can't do that!

And I'd never try to.

Once when I was younger, I saw my friend's brother crying. It was really weird. I never saw that before. He was older than us both too. I never found out why he was crying.

I won't ever understand.

I think our time together is up, and now I must bid you farewell.

Until I make the foolish decision to retrieve the past again. Then I will be back to waste my time with you once more and rip these unseen words apart for them never to exist again.

But first, I will erase your name from the top.

I can't erase the past but I can erase what I've created.

Goodbye.

Sincerely,

Kim Jongin.

[momatae]

yixing hitting jongin’s butt.

[kaidotkr-blog]

[jonginxbw]

kai just casually ruining our lives

[pandreos]

[jonginxbw]

—everlasting nirvana;

Sometimes he wonders why the ice that cracks his hands breaks his skin and bleeds out cold.

He desires to take control over the destruction his life was to become.

What little left of it destined to crumble before his eyes.

Each sun that dies into the horizon to be reborn as the fake crescent planted in the sea of stars.

And for what?

For someone to take a couple of pills into their hands, desperate to hold on to just a little longer and down them.

Life flashes before his eyes and he's collapsed;

still that lone male hurrying after and with frantic actions until his eyes flutter shut and he severs his tie with reality.

White lab coats a humorless memory being replayed with the press of a button on an old-fashioned remote.

Corroded laughter deprived of its treasured meaning.

He appreciates the little things in life, but why not life itself?

An invaluable asset; one plays their cards right and it can make the difference between a winning hand or finite debt.

You must not remember that on the coldest autumn day, when you stare out that frosted window and you're all alone, that you have lost it all.

And while you're out of casino chips for antes, you gamble with what else you can call of 'worth', your life.

Only when you lose in a game of wits to Death himself will you understand that in the end,

everything you've appreciated thus far comes crashing down on you and when you're six feet under, only then will you realize that your own existence does not measure the different rain drops that coat your exposed skin

or the fresh dew that tickles your nose, or even the ability to say you've made it to another birthday, another year older, yet another step taken on the staircase to death,

that life as you know it, will cease to exist the second you give up.

Never again will everyone's world that you've shared with thus far matter, and you'll fall nameless and become forgettable.

And when you give up, no one will be there to help you or to put you out of your misery.

So while he's broke and owing favor to sleep, and when he's desperate to blink away the stinging red veins encrusted into the whites of his eyes, he's without an incentive.

This was his world and he would make certain they knew they could never take it from him and still breathe.

He's playing death and the rest still playing life.

These shards of our broken promises, together, will slice you by the throat for a shaky survival.

What's left of your existence will explode through your veins and pool out from the scars until you've given up and let go.

Frontal of your mentality the first to abuse and destroy what little conscience salvaged by red strings attached.

You're a puppet and they your puppeteer.

Scream until they steal your voice away.

Kill away your regrets, leave them to rot.

Maybe someday you'd have the chance to rise above this chaos that rains down on your catastrophic parade, when you've no fear and demons banished from your mind.

Until then, you're but a human being with little purpose left to offer to this world of billions that compete against you.

The day he understands that you've been dead to this world for longer than he can remember is when the crossroads become crystal clear and backs are turned.

Praying for your downfall, he'll have no chance but to sit back while the audience stares in horror and he's one of the crowd that blends in to witness your ultimate demise. Society has them mute.

His shattered armor without a purpose now eats away at his vulnerability for malice to prey on.

It's only a matter of time, he says, until you join everyone else who has left this world of fools.

Except some things never change.

You think you are a soldier. It isn't yours, this kingdom. Your home? It's a prison. From which you depend on.

All as you know it withers and erases. Retrograde amnesia for the soul. It has taken your sorrowful wishes and thrown them into the flames to perish.

Now all that's left is for you to let go of your only reason for breathing.

We were never here to spite you, you've set up a perfect trap for your fragile bones to atrophy within.

Here, I bestow a metal companion in your eternal solitude. Therein lies the two options that could ever hold significance for your tortured being.

Will you plead to the heavens above and press its barrel to your temple, pulling the trigger?

Or will you fall back in line and march on until your number is called?

That game, he wanted to play. It's a dangerous one.

--

--

This is my letter to you,

I hope your heaven treats you as you deserve.

Will you remember me? I can't forget you.

I am Jongin, but you are without a name.

Now I am as worthless to you as you are to me.

And now that you've made your final decision, I'll look up and forever be haunted by a vision of whatever you used to be.

I hurt and I bleed, but the difference between our pains is that I live.

Your suffering never ends.

Even as life slips from your fingers, unfinished business will cloud and suffocate you, dragging you under these endless waters. They will drag you down further and further with each of your pathetic struggles.

Loose ends will bind your hands together and constrict around your throat to a nothingness.

Sometimes I'm tired, but when I lay down to sleep each night, I awake the next day.

Birds don't chirp and greet me in the morning. The blackest crows taunt me as a reminder of your choice. They flock together and mock in unison.

I'm still setting out to be what I want to be.

What was your purpose?

Were you accomplished?

Your stay, awful or not, was short.

You didn't give yourself enough of a chance.

You were not blessed, you were cursed.

But I'm not going back to the past. A conclusion was drawn in your favor, and we've lost this war this time.

I've lost, but I have another chance to be victorious. You have lost and paid the price for your reckless sense.

I'm but a dreamer, and you're living it.

You're no more, but I live to see another day.

-

Kim Jongin

[kyungso]

growl mv ― kai

[jongin]

[jonginxbw]

Baby-faced Jongin

[krisinsanity]

[jonginxbw]

88 For ji-kai

[jung-hwa]

1/25 Edits of Kim Jongin. Kim Jongin at his High School graduation.

[dingyoon]

smile.because you can