Honestly? Honestly the idea of Ilya Rozanov sitting himself down at twelve years old and saying I have GOT to get out of this country. It killed my mother. It's going to kill me. And then growing up a little bit and realizing some Things about himself and saying I have GOT to get out of this country. I have tried and tried and for some reason people keep Knowing What I Am. Ilya, young bisexual man with an apparently pretty clocky affect to his speaking voice. A strong young man with a natural and lovely flamboyance in him, a sweetness he tries to smother and the ability to play hockey like it was bestowed upon him by GOD. I've GOT to get out of here, he thinks to himself. And then he leaves (but not really) does some more growing up and he falls in love only he can't let himself be in love because the lead weight of this country is still tied to him and he thinks I have GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE. Then his father dies and the man he loves says "Come with me" and Ilya says I am NEVER going back!! I will wear my mother's cross and I will think of her every day and she will forgive me for never visiting her grave because her beautiful boy got OUT. I will go to a place where I am loved by a man A MAN who I love more than I ever thought I was allowed. Who holds my face and my hands and my heart. I will find a home for myself in his arms. I will never go fucking back.
Shane Hollander sat his freshly fucked ass on a hard metal step during Canadian winter and gripped onto that jacket so tight Ilya practically had to wrestle it from his arms like taking a sock from a doodle puppy. Under no circumstances did he have to follow Ilya down those stairs. These are things that your mother will never know about you Shane Hollander but don't you DARE lie to that woman and tell her you haven't been in love for years. You were playing Russian roulette with plausible deniability all the way back during the first fucking Obama administration.
yeah sex is great but have you ever been casted in a low budget romantic drama based on a beloved book and your costar who you'll have to portray incredibly intimate fake sex with is hot and lovely and charming and you fall in love with them as a person and you realize they're genuinely your soulmate and you become best friends whilst filming said intimate fake sex and you stay best friends even after filming and then the show airs and gets rave reviews and the internet explodes and the entire world thinks your on screen and irl chemistry is so batshit generationally insane that the explosion implodes to unimaginable proportions and now hollywood royalty is lining up to meet you and you're ordering jimmy fallon onto his knees and you're presenting at the golden globes and walking on runways and donatella versace invited you to her house and zohran mamdani is telling the population of new york to read said beloved book during a historic storm and you and your soulmate become torchbearers for the olympics and you're in the backseat of the getaway car and your hand is in his hair and his hand is on your thigh and
“No, Jimin, I shouldn’t have put you in that situation in the first place… I should have waited.”
“Waited for what?”
“At the studio. I should have waited instead of trying to get home fast to sort out all that was going on in my head. I should have told you then.”
Jimin tilts his head to the side, confused. “Tell me what? You’re not making any sense, hyung.”
Yoongi looks Jimin in the eyes once again. “That I love you, too.”
Neither Yoongi or Jimin realize how much time has passed by. It feels like forever and one second all at the same time, having Yoongi wrapped around Jimin’s lithe body like he never wants to let go.
The two were so wrapped up in each other that neither realized that the others had returned from their night out, walking in on the lump of snoring, tear-streaked boys still slumped in the kitchen floor. Taehyung walks in first, glancing over the two at first but quickly doing a double take and gasping. Jeongguk follows, turning around to shush the others so they don’t wake Jimin and Yoongi.
“Should we leave them there?” Hoseok asks quietly, turning his head to think of a way to first get them apart, then move them to a bed or any other surface that had some kind of cushioning.
“I don’t know—<i>can</i> we move them?” Namjoon questions, moving closer to inspect the entangled boys.
“Well, we can’t just leave them in the floor! Look at how they’re laying, legs all wrapped up in each other. How did they even get that way?” Seokjin moves towards the boys to begin untangling them, when Jeongguk steps in.
“Wait, hyung. I can probably pick both of them up and move them to one of their rooms. You go open one of their doors for me.”
“Yeah, let Mr. Workout show us how strong he is,” Taehyung says, smirking while giving Jeongguk a thorough looking at.
“Gross, Taehyung-ah,” Hoseok murmurs as he moves towards his shared room with Jimin. “Uh, Jimin’s been holed up in his bed for a while now, maybe we should move them to Yoongi’s room?”
Jeongguk has somehow managed to get one arm under both of the boy’s legs and shifted them to where Yoongi is ever so slightly laying on top of Jimin, supporting both of their heads with his other arm.
“I don’t care which bed you want them in, just open a door before they’re back on the floor!”
<center>~*~</center>
Yoongi is the first to wake up, surrounded by his pillows and blankets, sure that he must have been dreaming. Why else would he remember seeing Jimin?
He starts to move, to get up and wash his sleep off his face in the bathroom, when he realizes that he can’t move. There’s a strange, new, yet familiar weight on his chest holding him to the bed.
Yoongi looks up, gasping, thinking he must still be dreaming.
“J—Jimin?”
The thin boy hums and holds tighter to Yoongi, appearing to be in a deep sleep that he hasn’t had in a very long time.
“What is going on?” Yoongi whispers to himself. He’s torn between waking Jimin and talking about what happened or letting him sleep, afraid Jimin might realize that he’s wrapped around Yoongi and run away again.
Yoongi decides to let the boy sleep, happy to be in his presence again even if for a little bit. <I>He’s okay, he’s here, he’s okay </I> Yoongi tells himself.
Soon enough, though, Yoongi begins to listen to his brain instead of his heart again.
<I> He’s going to leave when he wakes up.
He doesn’t want you now, you broke him.
You’re being selfish, holding him like this.
Why are you hurting him like this? </I>
Yoongi’s breathing and heart beat increase, causing Jimin to stir.
<I> See, he doesn’t want to be here with you after what you did </I>
The once silent room is now so loud with Yoongi’s voice in his head, screaming at him to leave Jimin alone and let the boy be happy.
Yoongi doesn’t realize that he’s started to hyperventilate, and Jimin is waking up now.
“Hyung, what’s wrong?” Jimin’s panic-laced voice barely audible in Yoongi’s ears as he sits up. The voice that should sound like the most perfect harmony in the world slowly becomes more and more distant, as Yoongi’s hands begins shaking uncontrollably and his breathing picking up even more.
Then, he feels warm, small hands on his face.
“Yoongi hyung, look at me, breathe, it’s okay, just breathe, please, I’m here, I’m not going anywhere,” Jimin pleads, but his voice sounds like it’s at the end of a tunnel. It isn’t until Jimin sits across Yoongi’s lap and grabs his hands and holds them close to his chest, forehead to forehead, surrounding Yoongi, holding him down to earth that Yoongi’s eyes focus solely on Jimin, <I> only Jimin </I> does Yoongi realize he hasn’t been breathing.
The first breath lets out with a sob, followed by more <I>”I’m sorry, Jimin, I’m so sorry”</I> from the shaking boy.
Jimin holds on to Yoongi tighter, telling himself that <I>it’s your turn, you messed up last time, help him now. Don’t be a coward now, Jimin. He needs you. </I>
<center>~*~</center>
Yoongi’s breathing paces itself back to almost normal, his heartbeat still beating faster than usual.
<I>Jimin is still here. </I>
Yoongi finds the courage to look Jimin in the eye again, whispering a quiet “Jiminie” before realizing Jimin is silently crying.
“Jiminie, I’m so sorry. I—”
“Stop, hyung. You shouldn’t be apologizing to me. You fought so hard and I just stood there. I watched them beat you up and, and I…” Jimin’s words came to a stop as his tears became a steady flow.
“Jimin,” Yoongi says, slightly pushing upwards to sit upright, pulling his hands free from Jimin’s
<I>He doesn’t want you to touch him,</I> Jimin’s own voice inside his head begins.
Then, Yoongi is surrounding Jimin, holding him so close they become practically one again.
“Jimin, stop. It was my fault. I should have called the driver, I should have never taken us a different way than I usually go because I thought it would be quicker. I… I shouldn’t have put you in danger, I should have fought harder to keep you safe…”
“Hyung, you fought so hard. I just stood there watching because I was scared and I couldn’t move and you moved in front of me when they came towards me and I just stood there.”
“No, Jimin, I shouldn’t have put you in that situation in the first place… I should have waited.”
“Waited for what?”
“At the studio. I should have waited instead of trying to get home fast to sort out all that was going on in my head. I should have told you then.”
Jimin tilts his head to the side, confused. “Tell me what? You’re not making any sense, hyung.”
Yoongi looks Jimin in the eyes once again. “That I love you, too.”
Jimin gasps, a small “what?” leaving his lips.
“I heard you, Jimin. The song I was working on ended when you were talking about moving your bed with Taehyung’s so you can cuddle and watch movies. I heard everything after that, Jiminie. I don’t understand how anyone can love me, especially you, after what I put you through.”
Jimin doesn’t say anything, looking down at his hands in Yoongi’s lap. Yoongi is just about to say something else when Jimin looks up, staring at Yoongi’s lips for half a second before whispering to himself <I> “be brave, Jimin </I> and leaning in, kissing Yoongi with so much force that the two fall back onto the bed.
Jimin leans up, looking at a very confused Yoongi and laughs a little bit at the expression on his face.
“Hyung, how can I not love you when you’ll put yourself in harms way to keep me from getting hurt?”
“You were hurt though, Jiminie. Joon-ah told me you were going to counseling because of what happened, you stayed away from me for so long because I let you get hurt…”
“Hyung, I was so afraid that you didn’t want to see <I>me</I> because I watched you get beat up by those, those monsters in the shadows. You were so weak when they ran because they punched you so hard so many times, there was blood everywhere a-and you saved me… ”
Jimin starts crying again, his tears flowing in a constant stream once again and Yoongi can’t take seeing Jimin cry because of him anymore.
“Shhh, Jimin, it’s okay, I’m alive, I’m here with you, I’m healed, it’s alright,” Yoongi soothes Jimin, wiping away his tears with his thumbs and gently caresses Jimin’s face.
The tears continue, so Yoongi takes things into his own hands and pulls Jimin close, kissing him back this time with as much passion and remorse for making Jimin cry again as he can muster.
Jimin gives in without any hesitation, kissing Yoongi like they’ve been doing this for years now.
The tear-drenched boys are so engulfed with themselves that they don’t hear the knock on Yoongi’s door, or Jeongguk saying “Hyungs, is everything okay? I heard crying,” before opening the door to check on them.
Jeongguk, seeing the two clearly okay and <I>busy</I>, quickly turns around and shuts the door.
Jimin and Yoongi break apart to look towards the door just as they hear Jeongguk yell through the dorm, “Jin-hyung! I think they’re okay! They’re sucking the tears off of each others faces!”
Yoongi chuckles for the first time in almost two months as Jimin groans and hides his face his Yoongi’s neck.
“How much time do you think we have before Jin-hyung busts down the door?”
“Probably more time than we do before Tae does,” Jimin replies, smiling against Yoongi’s shoulder.
“Jimin-ah, look at me,” Yoongi says, tone more serious all of the sudden.
Jimin leans up, looking at Yoongi in the dim light of the moon coming through the window.
“I’d fight a million guys for you, Jimin. I love you.”
“Do you like it here?” What kind of question is that, you dumbass?
Yoongi has learned a lot about the once strange lump on his couch, more than he ever anticipated doing when he agreed to let him stay for a week or so (“I mean it, Jimin! One week tops! Definitely no more than two weeks!” “Okay, hyung, whatever you say…”).
It wasn’t easy, at first. Yoongi wasn’t irritated by the boy staying in his apartment, but he was irritated by the fact that he couldn’t be irritated because Jeongguk was pulling his weight and then some. During the week that he was sleeping on the couch, Jeongguk always made sure to be up before the other two boys to fold his blanket and straighten up the cushions, even making breakfast for them a couple mornings that week. Every time Yoongi tried to find a reason to make the boy leave, Jeongguk did something else to make Yoongi want to let him stay.
Yoongi doesn’t even know why he was looking for a reason to kick him out. Jeongguk had never done anything to Yoongi personally— he just didn’t want to have to share his space with another person. Before Jimin, Yoongi had a terrible time with his previous roommates. They partied all the time and came home loud and drunk, had random people sleeping over constantly (some they didn’t even know), never cleaned, ate Yoongi’s food, stole his laundry detergents— he was very seriously considering finding a second job to pay for an apartment to himself. When they told Yoongi that they were going to move in with one of their party pals, Yoongi was so excited he almost offered to pack their things for them. Yoongi was hesitant to post an ad on the campus bulletin board looking for a roommate, but he knew he couldn’t afford many more months of having the apartment to himself. Jimin contacted him within a couple hours of Yoongi posting the ad, and when they met up at the coffee shop Yoongi worked at, Yoongi was a little wary. Jimin had higher energy than Yoongi, but that wasn’t hard to do, so Yoongi gave him the benefit of the doubt and told Jimin he could move in that weekend.
Jimin was a blessing really. He wasn’t too messy (his room was another story, but it was his space, he could do whatever he wanted in there), he split the groceries with Yoongi, and when he partied, he stayed with a friend if he knew Yoongi would be home or working at their apartment. They had been living together now for almost a year and they hadn’t really had any fights in that time. The one they did have was over which couch they would get, since Yoongi’s old roommates had taken the one they had with them when they left (Yoongi didn’t mind, that couch had seen too much to be comfortable, anyway).
They must have picked out a pretty comfortable one, given that Jeongguk never once complained about sleeping on it. After a week, Jimin started to worry about Jeongguk’s sleeping and comfort so he suggested that he bunk with him after talking to Yoongi for Jeongguk.
“Hyung, he’s scary, its okay. I can find somewhere to stay, I don’t want to wear out my welcome,” Jeongguk told Jimin when he had reached the end of the week.
“Oh shut up, I’ll talk to him. He isn’t scary, Jeongguk. He just wants everyone to think that. Go move your bag of clothes to my room.”
Jeongguk couldn’t believe Jimin at first. He had never seen Yoongi even smile, how could he not be afraid of him? Jimin was just crazy.
If Jimin was crazy, then Yoongi must be insane.
“Hyung, you’ve seen how he is here, what is one more week? You know that finding a place to stay doesn’t just happen overnight. I have a pretty big room, he can stay in my room with me and you will never have to see him. Please, hyungie” Jimin begs, breaking out the puppy dog eyes and infamous pout that no one, not even Yoongi, can say no to.
He does clean up after himself and doesn’t cause any trouble… he’s a pretty good kid— shut up Yoongi, you don’t want another roommate, remember?
“Alright. One more week, but I swear this is the last week. He’s got other friends he can crash with doesn’t he?”
“Well, no…. not really…”
“What? You mean you’re this kid’s only friend? Poor kid..”
“Hey! I am an excellent friend, thank you! But, no, he doesn’t really have any friends other than me. His boyfriend was the jealous type and didn’t really want Jeongguk hanging out with anyone else. The only reason I got a pass was because we’ve been friends for a long time.”
“Ah, the irony. Maybe Jeongguk should have been the one who was more controlling.”
“Nah, he’s never believed in being controlling in relationships. He doesn’t even say which club he wants to go to when I ask, even though I know he doesn’t want to go to the one’s I choose.”
“Hmm. Well, like I said, one more week.”
“That’s what you said last time too, hyung,” Jimin mumbles, smirking at Yoongi.
“What was that?”
“Nothing, hyung. I’ll go tell him!”
⭒⭒⭒
Jeongguk was actually baffled at Jimin’s room. The floor was completely covered in clothes, dirty and clean, there was paper scattered everywhere from assignments, and if it weren’t for the bed frame, Jeongguk isn’t sure he would have been able to tell where that was under the combination of textbooks, blankets, and food packages.
“Oh, sorry about the mess, Ggukkie, I’ll clean a little after dance practice today. You can throw your stuff on the bed for now. I know it’s kind of small, but I don’t take up that much room. When I get it cleaned off there’ll be plenty of room for us.”
Jeongguk was stunned, standing in the doorway of his new room. He almost considered asking if he could stay on the couch.
“Shit, I’ve got to go or I’ll be late. See you later, Gguk!”
He couldn’t just stand there, his skin was crawling to clean. After convincing himself Jimin probably wouldn’t mind, he picked a corner and started gathering clothes. Turns out, Jimin does have a laundry basket, it was just buried in the corner near his desk. Jeongguk couldn’t tell what was suppose to be clean or dirty, so he decided to wash all of them for Jimin.
“Surely it won’t be more than two loads.”
It was five.
Jeongguk was alone in the apartment for the rest of the afternoon. Sorting through what looked like notes, assignments that had been graded, and things he didn’t know what were really but Jimin might need them, Jeongguk had Jimin’s room looking like an entirely new space. He had taken out the trash, folded all but one load of laundry, and made the bed by the time he heard the door unlock and open.
“Hyung, I cleaned the room, I hope you don’t mind!” Jeongguk called out, thinking it must be Jimin coming home from practice.
“I don’t care what you do in there, kid.” Yoongi called back, shuffling towards his own room.
“O-oh, hi Yoongi hyung. I thought you were Jimin coming home. He said you were working at the shop tonight.” Jeongguk’s face couldn’t hide the embarrassment he felt for mistaking Yoongi for Jimin or the awkwardness that settled in over the two.
“Slow night. Thought about going to the studio, but then I thought about my bed,” Yoongi said, looking in at the floor he hadn’t seen since Jimin had moved in. “Nice work in there, room hasn’t been that clean since before Jimin.”
Jeongguk thought his eyes might pop out of his head. “W-what? Jimin hyung lives like this all the time?”
“Yeah, says he doesn’t have time to clean all the time. Keeps his door shut, so I never really say anything.”
“Oh my god,” Jeongguk mumbles. “He’s gonna kill me.”
“You hungry, kid? Brought home some takeout but I doubt I’ll eat it all.”
The confusion must have been evident on Jeongguk’s face, because Yoongi chuckled and just walked to the kitchen, calling back to him, “If you don’t eat it, Jimin will take it to your room and it won’t come back out.”
“Coming, hyung!”
⭒⭒⭒
When the second week was up, Yoongi was actually the one who approached Jeongguk about him staying. Yoongi had thought it over, and the kid was pretty decent. If he was interested, then having a third roommate could work out for all of them in the end.
Jeongguk had never been so scared in his life. He was ready for the impending death he was facing when Yoongi had asked to talk to him after classes that evening. He spent all day thinking of people he might be close enough with to ask if he could stay for a little while, unable to come up with a very long list. Most of his “friends” were actually his ex-boyfriend’s friends, besides Jimin.
Not having much of a plan, Jeongguk figured if it came down to it, he could call his aunt who lived in the next town over.
He was not expecting the bomb that the terrifying, scary, probably-could-actually-kill-someone Min Yoongi dropped on him when he stepped into the apartment after classes were over.
“So, it’s been two weeks, kid,” Yoongi starts out, finding amusement in the look of slight fear on Jeongguk’s face.
“Y-yeah, I’ve been looking for somewhere to go,” Jeongguk manages to stammer out, avoiding eye contact with Yoongi.
“Found anywhere yet?”
“No, but I can probably just call my aunt. She lives right outside of town.”
“Outside of town? How would you get to class?”
“I can catch the bus, pick up extra shifts…”
Yoongi replies with a hum.
“Do you like it here?” What kind of question is that, you dumbass?
“I mean, yeah? But I don’t want to burden you and Jimin hyung more than I already have.”
Yoongi chuckles at this. “Jimin loves having you around kid. I’m pretty sure he would trade me for you any day, especially after you cleaned his room for him.”
Jeongguk didn’t know how to respond to that. What was Yoongi getting at?
“You’re a pretty decent roommate, kid. I’ve thought it over and if you’re down, you can stay. You’ll have to keep sharing a room with Jimin, though…”
“What? Seriously? I don’t want to step on any toes, hyung. I don’t know how Jimin will feel about me taking over his room like that…”
“Please, I’m honestly surprised he isn’t blowing my phone up already asking me to let you stay longer. He loves having someone to room with, he’s like a little kid at a sleepover. You said you can pick up extra shifts, where do you work?”
“Oh, I work on campus between my morning and afternoon classes at the library.”
“Hmm. Well, naturally, you’d have to help out with rent if you move in. It isn’t too bad, considering how close we are to campus, but other than buying your own groceries or contributing to the ‘snack stash’ as Jimin calls it, rent is the only thing you’d have to pay here. No need for busses or extra shifts.”
“Oh, that’s perfect, hyung. I would love to stay here with you and Jimin hyung!”
“Cool, you can break it to Jimin that he has to get a smaller bed.”
“What?”
“I mean, unless you want to keep sharing the one he has now. His room should fit two beds if y’all have smaller beds or bunk beds, but y’all can figure that out yourselves.”
Jeongguk didn’t mind sharing Jimin’s bed for the past week, but he wasn’t sure he could take Jimin’s shuffling and tossing and flinging himself across Jeongguk’s body for much longer.
“No, no— I’ll talk to him about it later tonight,” Jeongguk said, smiling as he realized he no longer has to worry about finding somewhere to go.
“Thank you, hyung. I really mean it, I promise I’ll be the best roommate you’ve ever had!”
“Don’t let Jimin hear you say that, he’ll start a competition with you for that title and I don’t have the energy for that.” Yoongi felt a strange pang in his chest when he saw the way Jeongguk’s face lit up at his offer. This poor kid, who would have thought something like this could mean so much to him.
⭒⭒⭒
The next day, Jeongguk decided it was time go get his things from his old apartment. He didn’t want to go back there, but he needed his things. He didn’t really want to go alone, though.
Pulling out his phone, he stares at the newest contact in his phone:
Yoongi-hyung
It was Jimin’s idea to add a little devil emoji next to his name, since he hid the fact that he was letting Jeongguk stay from him until the evening before. Jeongguk didn’t keep it there though, Yoongi was letting him stay after all.
Jeongguk was still scared of Yoongi though.
He couldn’t bring himself to ask Yoongi to go with him to get his things, but he could ask if Jimin was home yet. His shift at the library would be over in half an hour, and he wanted to get this out of the way.
Holding his breath, he opened a new message.
On second thought, he would just wait and see if Jimin was home when he got off.
“I want to see Yoongi.” Short, but to the point. Jimin offers no further explanation or statements.
“Okay, and where is Yoongi?” Dr. Choi knew Yoongi was the boy Jimin was with the night he was attacked, but Jimin had refused to tell her anything else in the last month’s worth of sessions.
“I think I might have lost him,” Jimin says, weakly, turning his head to make eye contact with tears threatening to break their tension and over flow.
For the last month, Jimin has had the same routine. He gets up, makes himself shower and brush his teeth, gets dressed, and heads to the only place he’s been to since that night.
Stop calling it that, remember. It’s okay to say it. You were attacked. You survived. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t your fault.
Therapy, or “counseling” as Namjoon had called it, seemed to make Jimin feel better. Well, kind of— it made him feel better that him going made the other members feel better.
Jimin walks the same path down to the car waiting for him outside, watches as the same trees he sees every day pass by, sees the same family and their dog walking to the park almost every day. Surely this can’t be my new routine, watching the world carry on as if there isn’t evil waiting in the shadows…
Jimin walks in and greets the receptionist, who no longer needs to see his identification cards when he checks in. He gives a head nod and a small hum as greeting, taking his usual seat in the corner.
Maybe I should tell Dr. Choi that I want to talk to Yoongi again…if he would even want to talk to me… I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t, though…
He zoned out, lost in his thoughts. This happens a lot lately, having to be called more than a couple times to bring him back to reality.
Dr. Choi walked up to Jimin, a faint smile on her face as she kneels down to look him in the eye. Jimin registers that someone is standing in front of him and looks up, eyes regaining focus.
“Hello, Jimin-ssi, are you ready for today’s session?”
“Mmm.”
Dr. Choi offers Jimin a hand to help him from his seat, walking them slowly to her office and offering Jimin a bottle of water as he sits in his usual spot: directly in the middle of the couch, holding his hands on his lap, looking very stiff. Today is a little different though. Before Dr. Choi can grab the water bottle out of the small refrigerator, Jimin is speaking.
“I want to see Yoongi.” Short, but to the point. Jimin offers no further explanation or statements.
“Okay, and where is Yoongi?” Dr. Choi knew Yoongi was the boy Jimin was with the night he was attacked, but Jimin had refused to tell her anything else in the last month’s worth of sessions.
“I think I might have lost him,” Jimin says, weakly, turning his head to make eye contact with tears threatening to break their tension and over flow.
Jimin sighs and changes the topic to what he usually talks about at his appointments: he can’t sleep at night, he doesn’t have much of an appetite but Seokjin practically shoves the spoon down his throat if he doesn’t eat willingly, and all he can think about is the night he was attacked. And Yoongi.
~*~
Yoongi hasn’t left his room in a month.
Yoongi hasn’t left the physical room in which he inhabits in the dorm he shares with 6 other humans, and he hasn’t left the room he’s created in his brain where he runs around aimlessly, searching for a way to fix everything.
The other members no longer try and coax Yoongi out of his room. Their manager called about three weeks ago to tell them that their schedules are on hiatus until Yoongi and Jimin are cleared by their doctors to return to work. The other boys spend their time working on songs or working out or playing video games. Seokjin is really the only member who sees Yoongi anymore, when he brings him food and water to keep him alive.
Yoongi hasn’t said anything since the night Namjoon found him during his panic attack (or that’s what his doctor had said it sounded like and referred him to his own therapist. Yoongi didn’t deserve anyone’s help. He wasn’t going.) He lost track of how many days it’s been, or even if its day or night at this point, since Namjoon told him that Jimin was the one who told him to check on Yoongi. He just sits in his room, all day long, thinking; hating himself more and more for hurting Jimin. Seokjin had suggested coming out into the common room and watching a movie with the rest of the members one evening but all Yoongi could bother to respond with was a very mumbled “maybe”. He ended up falling asleep and skipping the movie.
The boys were beginning to get restless at this point. Jeongguk was practically crawling the walls, Taehyung had taken to painting every surface he could find with colorful, abstract pictures, and Namjoon has almost finished working on a brand new mixtape. Hoseok has created all new choreography for almost their entire discography. Seokjin has perfected all of his grandmothers recipes and has started perfecting his great grandmother’s as well.
Jimin hasn’t left the dorm other than to go to his therapist and doctors appointments, and when he is out in the common area he doesn’t say much, just nodding in response to the questions the others ask him.
Taehyung can’t take it anymore. He has to do something different. He gathers the other members and suggests a night of bowling, to get some fresh air and get out of the house. Everyone jumps at the idea and the energy of the dorm starts to buzz, with everyone’s excitement of leaving their dorm for the first time in months as a group grows.
Well, a group minus two. Seokjin brings Yoongi his dinner before leaving for the bowling alley and tells him where everyone is going, and even though he knows the answer, he asks if Yoongi wants to go too.
Yoongi shakes his head and takes his tray of food back to his bed.
Hoseok gently knocks on Jimin’s door to see if maybe he would like to get some fresh air, assuring him he doesn’t have to bowl or anything, just come out with the others. Jimin answers Hoseok with a full sentence for the first time since the accident.
“No thanks, hyung. I’m tired.”
It was more than Hoseok was expecting and if he’s being honest, he’s both shocked and relieved to have heard Jimin’s voice again.
~*~
The others left the dorm about half an hour ago, Yoongi thinks. He decides that now that he’s alone in the dorm he should probably use this time to tidy up. His room was becoming too much of a mess even for him, so he gathers up what little energy he had stored up and starts a load of laundry. He takes his dinner dishes to the kitchen while he’s at it, so Seokjin won’t have to worry with it later. He’s in the middle of rinsing off his plate when he hears shuffling behind him. He turns around, shocked to see Jimin standing in the kitchen, both boys frozen in place with surprise that they aren’t alone in the dorm.
Yoongi almost immediately bursts into tears at the sight of Jimin. He looks okay. He’s okay. He’s really here.
“Hyung?”
Jimin is both confused and concerned, and doesn’t know if he should rush to Yoongi and hold him or walk away and give him his space. His mind is made up for him when Yoongi falls to his knees, sobbing harder and harder as the seconds pass by.
Jimin doesn’t know what to do, so he runs to Yoongi and just holds him. Yoongi can only manage the words “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” in between his sobs. Jimin feels a tear roll down his face, then another, and another. The two boys become a sobbing mess in the middle of the kitchen in their empty dorm, neither wanting to let go of the other.
It’s silent between them, but both of the boys are still wrapped around each other. Yoongi’s eyes are closed with a stray tear rolling down his cheek every so often and Jimin has his chin propped up on Yoongi’s head, streaks of dried tears staining his face. They don’t have to say anything right now, just holding each other is enough for now.
Jimin has so much he wants to tell Yoongi.
He wants to tell him that he’s physically okay; that he doesn’t have any bruises anymore and doesn’t hurt on the outside.
He doesn’t know how to tell Yoongi that he’s terrified of losing him; that his brain constantly thinks about how he froze as soon as he saw those other guys at the bridge and couldn’t do anything to help Yoongi, who did so much to protect him.
He doesn’t know how to tell Yoongi that he can’t stop blaming himself for Yoongi getting hurt; how he hated himself more and more with every bruise and scar that showed up on Yoongi’s frail little body when they were in the hospital.
Yoongi doesn’t even know what words are anymore.
The two sit in the kitchen floor, Jimin holding Yoongi and gently rocking them back and forth, lulling them both to sleep. Jimin knew Seokjin would yell at them for sleeping in the floor like this, hearing the ”You’re going to hurt your back and then you can’t dance and then you’ll pout until you get better and Yoongi will have even more reason to complain about being old!”
Jimin didn’t care about dancing right now. He has Yoongi in his arms again and sleep is taking over quick.
Not quick enough for him to not hear Yoongi whisper a faint “I’m sorry Jimin, I love you so much I’m so sorry.”
Three weeks had passed since that night. Yoongi relives it every night, though. Well, what he can remember. A lot of his dreams consist of seeing Jimin, broken and bruised, and not being able to help him. No matter how hard he tries, Yoongi can’t get to him. He calls out to him, screaming, yet not making a sound. Jimin looks up to him, pain and fear in his eyes, before he begins to get smaller, as if Yoongi is leaving him there on the ground. Eventually, everything is black. Yoongi wakes up in a sweat, breathing hard and fast.
~*~
Yoongi’s body is starting to heal slowly. Black bruises begin to turn yellow, scars on his hands beginning to replace the cuts. On the outside, he looks like he’s getting better. His ribs are still sore and he doesn’t have full range of motion yet, but Yoongi can now walk himself to the bathroom and back to his bed without help.
Seokjin still makes meals for Yoongi and makes sure he eats at least half of it. Namjoon still takes care of his appointments and makes sure he’s there on time. Hoseok and Taehyung are running out of things to amuse Yoongi with, or attempt to anyway, but they still try everyday to get at least one smirk out of Yoongi. Jeongguk no longer tries to carry him around the house, but instead comes sit on the end of Yoongi’s bed, usually not saying a word, just sitting. Sometimes he will move up to the top of the bed, watching whatever show Yoongi has pulled up on his laptop to give the illusion that he was interested in something. His members were all there for him, in their own way, except one.
It has been three weeks since Yoongi saw Jimin.
~*~
Yoongi couldn’t blame Jimin. It was his fault and Yoongi knew that. Yoongi was suppose to protect Jimin, he wasn’t suppose to lead him into danger. He wanted to reach out to Jimin, to see for himself that he was okay, to see that his Jiminie was still there. But, he knew that he wasn’t. Seokjin had told him that Jimin was going to a therapist, which meant that Yoongi had fucked him up worse than just on the outside. Yoongi hated himself for letting this happen. He sat in silence most of the hours he was awake, thinking about how he destroyed the one thing that means the most to him, all because he wanted to get home faster to sleep. He could have slept in his studio, it wouldn’t have been the first time. Hell, he could have called their manager to come pick them up and be in the safety of a vehicle, out of the cold and out of danger, but all Yoongi was thinking about was himself.
Actually, all Yoongi was thinking about was Jimin’s words, when Jimin thought he couldn’t hear him, but he did. Yoongi heard him loud and clear. He was in shock at first, thinking he didn’t hear Jimin clearly from the headphones. His brain couldn’t register that Jimin, his precious little Jimin, who was so sweet and bubbly and happy all the time, could love someone like him.
Yoongi had broken Jimin. Jimin wasn’t happy and bubbly any more. He was broken and beaten and crushed, and it was all Yoongi’s fault.
It was 3 A.M. and Yoongi was spiraling. He was too far in his head to realize that he was talking out loud, about how he ruined everything and he deserved to be the one suffering, not Jimin. He was pacing back and forth in his room, unaware that is bedroom door had opened and closed, too spaced out to hear the knocks that came from outside the door a few minutes later.
Namjoon carefully opened the door after getting no response to his knocking. He could hear Yoongi mumbling, but couldn’t make out what he was talking about. Namjoon cautiously made his way into Yoongi’s room, calling out a gentle “Hyung?” so he wouldn’t startle Yoongi. Yoongi stopped his pacing, looked up at Namjoon with tears streaming down his face, before falling to his knees.
Namjoon rushed over to Yoongi just as the smaller man began to sob, curling into Namjoon’s arms as soon as they wrapped around his tiny body. Namjoon moved them to sit more comfortably in the floor just in front of Yoongi’s bed, holding Yoongi as he cried. Namjoon didn’t say anything for a while, just rubbing small circles on Yoongi’s back and rocking them back and forth.
Yoongi doesn’t know what came over him. He doesn’t cry. He doesn’t let himself cry about this situation. Hearing the concern in Namjoon’s voice when he opened the door and seeing the shock on his face when he saw Yoongi crying made Yoongi realize that he was weak. He didn’t have the energy to hold back anymore, or to hold himself upright. He wanted to feel the pain of letting his body hit the ground but Namjoon was there to catch him before he could. Namjoon was there, holding him and letting him cry. He didn’t deserve Namjoon. He didn’t deserve any of his members.
Yoongi’s thoughts were interrupted by Namjoon shifting them around, getting up and walking out of Yoongi’s sight. I don’t blame him for leaving me. I’m pathetic. He pulls his knees to his chest, falling over to lean against the bed and closes his eyes. He’s shocked when he feels something cool and wet on his face. Yoongi opens his eyes to Namjoon, kneeling down with a damp cloth wiping the streaks of dried tears from his face.
Once Namjoon is satisfied that Yoongi’s face is clean, he sits back down next to him, pulling Yoongi back into his arms. It’s quiet again for a few minutes, until Namjoon breaks the silence.
“Do you wanna talk about it, hyung? You haven’t really said much about what happened or how you’re feeling”, he says, voice barely above a whisper.
Yoongi makes a barely audible grunt, shaking his head when Namjoon looks down to see what the grunt meant.
“Okay, we don’t have to talk. Do you want me to stay, though?”
Yoongi nods his head against Namjoon’s shoulder.
Namjoon shifts again, standing up and scooping Yoongi up with him.
“If I’m staying, we’re not sitting in the floor. You’re still healing and need better support.”
Yoongi is surprised that Namjoon lifted him so easily. Usually Jeongguk is the one who moves Yoongi around.
“Joon-ah, have you been working out?” Yoongi asks, voice broken and weak.
Namjoon chuckles, answering “Hyung, you’re basically skin and bones now. You don’t eat anymore. But yes, I have. Thanks for noticing.”
“I do eat!” Yoongi protests. “Jin hyung forces me to eat.”
“And it’s a good thing he does, or you’d whither away in to nothing” Namjoon replies, moving them around on the bed to sit up against the headboard.
Yoongi thinks that Namjoon will sit on the other side of the bed now that he isn’t crying. He doesn’t expect Namjoon to pull the blanket back, crawl in next to Yoongi and pull him back into his arms, before pulling the blanket back up over them. Yoongi doesn’t know how to react, so he just lets Namjoon move him how he wants him. When he’s done, Yoongi is curled into Namjoon’s side, Namjoon rubbing small circles on his back again while the silence settles back over them.
“I’m sorry if I woke you up, Joon-ah.” Yoongi glances at the time on his alarm clock. It’s now almost 4 A.M.
“Wasn’t you, hyung” Namjoon replies, sleep settling in in his voice.
“Huh?”
“Couldn’t even hear you. Didn’t know what was going on until Jimin came and woke me up and told me to come check on you.”
Yoongi stops breathing for a second. Did he hear Namjoon right?
chapter 2: why is it so dark when you're not here?
Yoongi wished he could go back to that night and start all over, to hear Jimin say he misses Yoongi again; that he could hear Jimin say he wishes Yoongi would let him love him
Yoongi doesn’t remember getting back to the dorm. He doesn’t remember much actually. He woke up in his room, with Seokjin propped up in the floor, leaning against the mattress in case Yoongi woke up.
“Jin-hyung,” Yoongi croaks out, voice broken from misuse.
Seokjin sat up almost immediately, surprised and relieved to hear Yoongi’s voice after so long.
“Yoongi-ah, don’t move! I’ll help you, just don’t get up right now!”
Yoongi had no idea what he was talking about.
Until he tried to turn his head, and he felt about a thousand daggers run down his neck.
Yoongi’s gruntled cry had Jin hovering over him within seconds, scolding him for not listening to him while trying to steady Yoongi’s head again without hurting him.
“Ah, I told you not to move! Just lay there and listen for once while I go get Namjoon.” Seokjin ordered, fluffing Yoongi’s pillow with care but still full of sass.
“No, hyung, that’s okay, I won’t move. What’s going on?” It isn’t that Yoongi didn’t want to see Namjoon, or the others for that matter, but he wanted to know why he was in so much pain and more importantly, where Jimin was.
“You don’t remember anything?”
Yoongi begins to shake his head no, but quickly settles for a broken “nuh-uh”.
Seokjin sighs, sitting down on the corner of the bed and fidgeting with the blanket before covering Yoongi’s lower half with it.
“Last week, you and Jimin were walking home from the studio. The police said it looked like the two of you were about to walk through the tunnel near the bridge, and walked into an ambush. They say it was a local gang looking for someone else and you two got caught up in the middle of an attack. Namjoon was about to go out with our manager to get you and Jimin when he saw all the sirens go by.”
“Its been a week?” Yoongi manages to croak out, shocked that he had been unconscious for that long.
“Yeah,” Seokjin continues, “You and Jimin were taken to the hospital immediately and you were there for a couple days, just so they could make sure everything was good. You’ve been pretty out of it from the medications they gave you.”
“Where is Jimin?” Yoongi speaks clearly, all misuse gone from his voice.
“Right now, he’s at a doctors appointment. He should be back in a couple of hours.”
“He’s okay? Who’s blood was on my hands?” Flashbacks of sirens and crimson flood Yoongi’s mind, panic beginning to wash over his face.
“He’s… well, physically he’s okay. The doctors said that most of the blood they found on you was from the guy who jumped you, though you got pretty banged up and had a couple cuts on you. They said from the force of the attack, you have some pretty bad bruising around your ribs and back, and sent you home with some painkillers that are strong enough to knock out an elephant.” Seokjin moved from the foot of the bed to grab his phone, pulling up the front camera to show Yoongi the fresh scarring that had started forming on his lip. Yoongi looked down to his hands, bruised and cut on both sides.
“When is Jimin coming home? I want to see him. I need to see if he’s okay…” Yoongi tries moving from the bed once again, only thinking about getting to his Jimin, but quickly reminded that moving was not a good idea.
“Stay still, you dummy. Jimin is at his new therapist right now, it’ll probably be a few hours before he comes home. Do you want me to get Jeongguk to come help you to the living room? I’m sure the others would like to see you actually conscious,” Seokjin asks as he begins moving the blanket from Yoongi’s lap.
Yoongi only manages a quiet, defeated “Therapist?”
“Hmm? Oh, yeah, Jimin wasn’t knocked unconscious as quickly as you were, he saw the majority of what happened before the gang members realized they had the wrong guys. He was the one who called the police and stayed by your side until they got there to make sure you kept breathing. Said they kicked you in the ribs pretty good and he was afraid you’d quit breathing on your own before the paramedics got there. He was really brave for you, Yoongi.”
~*~
Seokjin’s words sat heavy on Yoongi’s mind for the next few days. Yoongi hadn’t said much other than to reassure the other members that he was feeling okay (he wasn’t, but it was more on the inside that he felt not okay).
Jimin had been going to see his new therapist every other day since his first visit, spending at least two hours there each session. He didn’t talk much when he was home, only answering when he was being spoken to directly. Even then, his responses were short and snappy.
Yoongi stayed in his room most days. He was still in pain even with the help of the medication, so he found it easier to lay in bed with his laptop than have Jeongguk carry him bridal-style back and forth. Not that being carried was on the top of Yoongi’s favorite past times list, but it hurt more being cradled than it did to pull himself up when he started sliding down in his bed from watching endless hours of dramas he had no actual interest in.
Seokjin brought Yoongi meals, making him eat at least half of what he brought him so he could “rebuild his already tiny figure”. Namjoon was in charge of keeping up with doctors appointments and medication schedules, while Hoseok and Taehyung cleaned and entertained Yoongi. Yoongi appreciated everything that his members were doing, really, but he couldn’t bring himself to actually engage in any real conversations. Most of his responses were grunts or hums, or if he was feeling frisky, a one word response.
He hadn’t seen Jimin, except for when the younger boy walked past Yoongi’s bedroom, since the night of the attack.
He couldn’t even remember the last thing he said to him.
Yoongi sat and thought about Jimin all the time, though. About how he put him in danger; how he should have called their manager to come get them instead of walking home late at night; how because of him, Jimin had to go to a therapist; how Yoongi was so stupid for not thinking, for not taking a new way home when he had his Jiminie with him; how he fucked up and he doesn’t blame Jimin for not talking to him, and wouldn’t if he never spoke to him again.
Yoongi wished he could go back to that night and start all over, to hear Jimin say he misses Yoongi again; that he could hear Jimin say he wishes Yoongi would let him love him.
Yoongi would, now that he knows Jimin wants to be loved by Yoongi; now that he knows Jimin wants to love him.
Yoongi and Jimin were the only two left in the studio. The others had already gone home or went to get some food. Yoongi had to finish up “one more track” and Jimin offered to stay behind with him so Yoongi wouldn’t have to walk home alone. Plus, he wanted to spend time with his favorite hyung (but don’t tell Jin, Jimin wants to be able to sleep in peace), since it’s not often that Yoongi lets anyone near his studio.
Jimin was currently laying on the couch in Yoongi’s studio, scrolling through his pictures of their last concert. He had already finished his own practice in the dance studio, so he took advantage of the downtime he had to self-criticize his performance.
“Hyung, don’t we look good under the lights of a stadium?”
Nothing.
Jimin looked up to realize Yoongi had both ears covered with his headphones and if he listened very carefully, he could hear the low bass of the song playing.
Jimin decided to take advantage of this.
“Hyung, it smells funny in here,” he nearly whispers, testing the waters.
When Yoongi doesn’t respond, Jimin assumes that he’s in the clear.
“Jin-hyung says you need to turn the brightness down on your phone when you watch your ‘dramas’ at night. He says it wakes him up from his beauty sleep”
Yoongi still doesn’t move.
“Taehyungie and I are thinking of moving our beds together so we have more room to cuddle.”
Jimin realizes that Yoongi is too lost in his own head, so he gets brave.
“I wouldn’t mind cuddling you, too, hyung,” he says low, barely audible to himself.
Jimin doesn’t notice that he can’t hear the muffled bass from Yoongi’s headphones anymore.
“Actually, I wouldn’t mind doing anything with you, hyung. I wish you would spend more time at home watching movies with us,” Jimin’s voice gets softer, almost sounding heartbroken as he continues, “I think you could use some down time, and I— I miss you sometimes, hyung.”
Jimin figures that if he doesn’t say it now, he’ll never get the chance to say it again. He fidgets with his nails, lowering his voice even more before breathing in, holding it for just a second, and dives right in.
“I wish you would let me love you.”
It’s quiet in the studio again for a few minutes before Jimin hears Yoongi’s chair creak and headphones being placed on the desk. He looks up to Yoongi standing and grabbing his coat, mumbling something that sounds like “lets go home”, thick with his Daegu accent that comes out when Yoongi gets tired.
~*~
A cool breeze blows just as Jimin and Yoongi walk out of the building. It’s not too cold, but cool enough to make Yoongi curl into himself as they begin to walk down the sidewalk. It’s tolerable as long as Yoongi goes at a pace a little faster than his usual stride. The walk back to the dorm isn’t so far that they would need a car to drive them there, but far enough that Yoongi has found shortcuts during one of the many nights he has walked back alone to prevent one of their drivers from coming out in the middle of the night just to take him home. Sure, some of them are probably pretty questionable shortcuts, maybe a couple of them even considered illegal because of trespassing, but Yoongi couldn’t care less when he’s a zombie after spending nearly 72 hours in the studio in one sitting. This time, though, he’s with Jimin, so Yoongi opts to take them down one of the more seemingly safer routes. One that has significantly more street lights and takes a little longer than his preferred path.
It’s quiet as they walk, both of them exhausted from the day. Neither of them say anything as Yoongi motions for Jimin to follow him, stepping off the sidewalk and crossing the road. Jimin gives him a questioning look, this isn’t the way home, but he trusts Yoongi with everything in him, so he follows.
Yoongi leads them down a path, cutting through a park, and when they get to the sketchier part of the journey, he instinctively grabs Jimin by the arm and walks next to him. He plays it off as just stealing his body heat, quickly dragging Jimin down a dim section next to the Han River. The wind coming in from the river is even colder, making it hard to walk without squinting and turning away from the gusts. Jimin tries rubbing his hands together to warm them up, looking over at Yoongi as he sinks further back into his coat. They’re too busy looking at each other trying to find a little more body heat to notice a rustling coming from behind them.
“Hyung, you look like a turtle,” Jimin points out, giggling.
“I bet a turtle would be somewhere warm, not suffering through this cruel punishment called weather,” Yoongi replies.
Jimin is still giggling when the rustling gets a little louder, bringing itself to both of their attentions. “H—hyung, what was that?”
“It was probably the wind, or a squirrel. C’mon, let’s go, Jiminie.”
Jimin smiles at his nickname and sprints to catch up to Yoongi, who had took off walking at a much quicker pace.
~*~
Yoongi and Jimin continue down the Han River, almost forgetting about the sounds from earlier that definitely did not scare Jimin because he’s with his Yoongi-hyung, who would never put him in harm’s way, and most definitely did NOT cause Yoongi to start panicking because he’s actually on a new path home he had just scouted from Naver Maps.
That is, until the rustling is suddenly much louder and much closer.
Yoongi grabs onto Jimin and starts walking— almost running— much quicker when he hears the sound, not bothering to look back and see what it was. He can see the bridge they have to cross to get to the much more brightly lit street that’s only a block away from their dorm. Everything is almost okay again, he’s almost got his favorite dongsaeng (don’t tell Jeongguk, he wants to make it to his next birthday) home.
They get closer to the bridge, not realizing that there is a very dark tunnel connecting the bridge to the sidewalk that is separating them from the safety of street lights.
Yoongi picks up the pace even more, causing them to be running at this point, dragging Jimin by the hand. The rustling becomes footsteps that are getting louder and louder, until they’re almost directly behind Yoongi and Jimin. Yoongi turns and moves to push Jimin in front of him, to force him to walk faster so they can get the hell out of here and be home with their members and be safe and— and that’s when Yoongi sees the face of obsession, looking into the eyes of jealousy and rage all hiding behind a ski mask.
Suddenly there’s nothing; no footsteps, no tunnel, no sound, no Jimin’s hand in his.
~*~
The sound of sirens passing by were nothing compared to the sound of Yoongi’s heartbeat in his ears.
Yoongi looked down. There was blood covering his hands and shirt, but he had no idea who it belonged to. Is it his? Jimin’s? Someone else?
