Subtle Like A T-Rex

My name is Joe. I'm from San Diego but I live in Honolulu. I study, play music, buy records, and occasionally make photos and videos.

[joseisjoe]

I remember the moment that I realized I was in love with you.

We were at PLNU, sitting in my station wagon, listening to Tom Petty. You were on a break between classes. I wanted to tell you right then that I loved you but I didn’t. I felt it premature. I thought I might scare you so I said nothing. That’s not entirely true. We sat there and talked about...anything. Talking with you was always so easy...it just came naturally. I never felt like I had nothing to say to you because you inspired me. You trusted me. I could see that very clearly so I trusted you. I wanted to tell you everything and I wanted to know everything about you. I made some silly, and probably obvious, reference to the song that was playing (The Waiting) because I felt like I needed to wait to tell you that I was in love with you but still wanted to hint at it. I could barely contain myself because as we sat there talking that day...as we sat in the sun with the ocean breeze blowing in through the open windows, I knew I loved you. I knew it was you. I knew it was us.

I was so excited to be around you that I would drive up there a few times a week just to spend an hour with you. The best parts of those early days were the moments sitting there with you in one of our cars just talking or heading down to the cliff and throwing french fries to the seagulls who would catch them in mid air while we laughed. You made me feel invincible. I knew you were the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Still, at the same time, I was afraid. I was afraid because I was only 22 when we found each other. I knew it was going to be you and I forever but I was so young and distrustful of love. As my affection for you grew so did my fear of losing my self…a self that I thought I barely knew. So it might be fair to say I doomed us the moment I knew we were meant to be together. I wish I could have realized then that I wasn’t losing anything...but that I was finding myself with your help. Ultimately, I did know enough. I knew that I loved you and despite my lingering self doubt that led to stress inducing distractions, our love for each other kept us together. I know that there was almost always “someone else” that you were worried about but deep down I knew that not one of them could take me away from you...that none of them were real...that none of them could ever compare to you.

I am ok...I’m good...but I still break down sometimes and that’s normal. When I do, when I can’t hold back the tears, it’s not really because of my loss. It’s not because I’m lonely. It is a little those things but it’s because I remember how much I hurt you…how much I made you worry…how often I kept you at arm’s length…and how often I kept you awake at night because I was too afraid to let myself love you completely without worrying that I needed to get something out of my system first...the naive thought that I needed to experience more women before settling down or that someone else might be more right for me. No one could ever be.

I’m a slow learner in some respects...and I know now that the only thing I needed to get out of my system was my self doubt. That self doubt clouded my sight. It kept me from openly accepting my perfect partner...the woman who was standing beside me the whole time: you. I feel sick when I think of the thousands of opportunities I had to ask you to marry me when I know you would have said “yes” without a moment’s hesitation. I have set askew, no...I have taken a sledge hammer to the beautiful path to happiness that I was so generously granted on the day we met. I was given a gift that day...the most perfect gift that anyone could ever really hope for...a gift that a lot of people don’t receive; a person to trust implicitly...a person with whom to share pure love.

I had two dreams about you last night. In both of them, you left him and came back to me. I never asked you why. It didn’t matter. All that mattered is that you were there, in my arms, and we were complete. In the dreams I immediately wrapped you in my arms, kissed you and said "I love you". You held me tightly and whispered that you love me. It was just you and me and nothing else. When I woke up in the morning, with my eyes still closed, I smiled. I was aware at that moment that it was just a dream...but it didn’t matter. I smiled on simply because I had had those dreams…where you loved me and I loved you right back…and even though I knew it was not the reality I was waking up to, I was still reeling from that bliss. That’s how happy those dreams made me. It didn’t matter that I had just woken up alone to cold sheets. I was happier in those dreams than I have been since that fifth day of October in 2014…the worst day of my life…the day we parted ways.

You told me shortly after that day that “he’s good”. Well I’m better. I’m better than him and though it may not seem like it, I love you more than he could ever possibly hope to. I look forward to the day that I can start to prove this to you and I’m confident that it will come. My vivid dreams tend to come true.

And because you said you only remember me not being there; when you needed help getting those drawing assignments done... when you graduated college... when you moved out of your dad’s house... the morning we woke up to snow on the ground in Utah... when your dad was very sick and needed someone to do his pool route... when he needed to be picked up from the hospital... when you woke up from surgery after giving him a kidney... when you needed someone to push the button for the pain medication... when that drunk marine was molesting you at that Lucero show... when you needed someone to take Sunday to the vet while you were in Hawaii and she was in California... Christmases and Thanksgivings with your parents... I was there...all these times and more.

Emily Carlson, I love you more than life itself.  You lovely creature. You beautiful being. I love you, eternally.

[joseisjoe]

Damnit I love you.

[joseisjoe]

I’ve seen this photo floating around here and there.  Here’s a better quality scan for ya.

Rotting Out | Honolulu | January 2013.  Shot by me. 

[joseisjoe]

Rest In Power, homies. Gracias por todo. wallyedge killben666 carlitosxguey

[joseisjoe]

Slow it down.

[andrewvidakovich]

5x7 Lonely cowboy. 2014.

[joseisjoe]

I need an apron for screen printing class. Naturally, making my own. #diy #diyhawaii #drinkingandsewing

[ungovernablesf-blog]

[wallyedge-blog]

It’s the little things

[our-amazing-world]

The Most Amazing Poo Amazing World beautiful amazing

[joseisjoe]

Why yes that is a wonderful poo.

[humansofnewyork]

“We fled to the Philippines, which was under American occupation at the time. But it wasn’t long before the Japanese took over the islands. We were living in Manila, and when the Japanese occupied the city, they began to teach us to read and write Japanese. When the Americans came to retake the city, they invaded from the north, and the Japanese blew up the bridges and barricaded themselves in the southern part of the city where we lived. Shells were falling all around us, because the Japanese had stationed a gun encampment across from our house. One morning, we decided to make a run for the hospital, so that we could put ourselves under the protection of the Red Cross. Our neighbors were running in front of us, pushing their belongings on a pushcart, when they stepped on a land mine and the whole family was killed. We kept running, but when we got to the main street, there was a checkpoint and we weren’t allowed to cross. So we hid beneath a house, and soon we were discovered by Japanese soldiers. They lined us all up against the wall to be executed. We begged and begged and begged for our lives. They finally allowed my mother and the children to step aside, but they told my father to stay. My mother dropped to her knees and asked the Japanese commander to imagine it was his family. And he finally let all of us go.”

[shihlun]

Margaret Bourke-White (1904–1971) perches on an eagle head gargoyle at the top of the Chrysler Building and focuses a camera, New York, 1935.

[anaturalgrace]

[furstyphoto]

[aaronbrimhall]

[archrival]

My Quest for a Bike

[floralfilm-deactivated20140612]

1. Because a woman brought into this world will inevitably be given pepper spray “just in case.” 2. Because by sixteen, a young girl knows how to avoid being sexually assaulted, while a boy of the same age does not fear sexual assault in the slightest. 3. Because a girl who mocks men is a bitch, and a boy who mocks women is joking. 4. Because a girl who has sex is a slut, and a boy who has sex is a man. 5. Because in a murder, the killer is at fault, but the blame of rape is often put on the victim. 6. Because we teach girls how not to get raped instead of teaching anyone simply not to rape. 7. Because a woman should put more clothes on if her outfit makes a man uncomfortable, because his self control is her responsibility. 8. Because feminists just need to chill out. 9. Because a 22 year old sex-obsessed virgin can murder 7 people, and the problem is that someone should’ve just slept with him. 10. Because not all men are predators, but yes, all women are prey.

(via onefitmodel)

[joseisjoe]

This Rolling Stones pandora station started out playing some really lackluster shit but has taken a wonderful turn for the 60s.

[fuckyouverymuch]

We will wait for you.

[joseisjoe]

Unfun Radio - Episode 3 - 7/14/14

Listen live Monday mornings 3-6am at 90.3 FM in Honolulu. Stream the show live from anywhere at ktuh.org Monday mornings 6-9am on the west coast and 9am to noon Eastern Standard Time. Go to www.unfunradio.tumblr.com for this morning's playlist.