jjb's Hive

This is a Blog of Fangirly Interest: inconcistently tagged PROSHIP CONTENT (meaning FICTIONAL nsfw, self-harm, violence, incest, rpf, spoilers etc). Arts are tagged as art by jossu, tho

[jossujb]

[jossujb]

[jossujb]

[jossujb]

I am quite happy that I got pass the artblock I had in June... the stress about moving and complete social failures really made it difficult to survive.

Therapy is in summer recess and I have some homework to do... I must admit that after all the applications and doctors and failures right now I have situation where I am going backwards. I mean, I have significantly improved depression/self-harm/anxiery side of my problems, but the neuropsychological side...

I mean, I guess I am finding it very difficult to accept that there is not gonna be a day when I am "healthy" or "cures". Autism is more of a persobality trait that so called "problem", but it does cause problems and it will cause problems in the future. And it does honestly disappoint me that the social difficulties I had in June for example, things that really were embarrassing and near relationship ending, are just something will keep having issues with the rest of my life.

And that's such a bummer, you know. I do benefit from therapy and medication, and my therapist says that it won't be forever as hard as it has been, because I am working on my socual skills. But the fact that it just won't be fixed makes me sometimes wanna quit all together. What the point of going toward friendships and relarionships and whatnot, of every single one is gonna end in ridiculous misunderstanding and meltdowns like singlurity around black holes?

Butbot might be because I am not even half way through my therapy, so the resistance is a normal part of working through these issues.

[jossujb]

[jossujb]

[jossujb]

Jostain syystä tämä aihe toistuu vuodesta toiseen / This theme repeats itself for some reason

[jossujb]

[jossujb]

[jossujb]

Last month was artisrically quite dead and I am still really anxious. During moving though, I found a MASSIVE canvas I had some time years and yeara ago painted magebta and blue in preparation for some idwa I had abandoned. I had a memory that the streching of the canvas waa so bad that I had thrown it away.

I don't remeber when or why, but I have sometime in the past.

If you have ideas what should I paint in this size sure do drop me some ideas.

Anyway, I am so sad and depressed and struggling with my mental health problems and thr new living siruation even though it's quite lovely is stressing me out.

[jossujb]

Four day long karate summer camp at Savonlinna is over. I learned a lot and had an opportunity to do things that you don't get to do as much in regular training. Higher katas like Seishan and Chinto, and I also had the opportunity to llearn basics of Rohai, which was new to me.

Teaching sensei had a theme for all the classes. Nagasu (flow), Inasu (to empty, parry) and Noru (get on, hop on). I feel like the basics on Noru will help me with some very difficult techniques involving wrist locks and throws. It's basically like "hopping onto a bus", I move when you move and when you move I use your movement to do my technique.

I don't know if it's possible to do at my home dojo that way, but first time ever in wrist lock throws I felt confident that I have control and I know how to make it aslo safe and smooth.

But there was some very series set backs when it comes to social interaction. In a way, I am so proud of myself, that I had the courage and inniative to lodge in cottage with my karate friends. Unfortunately, I probably wasn't the only one who had some type of neuroatypical needs... and the communication on this subject went so criss-cross that hurt everyone involved. I am so disappointed at myself. I had hoped so much that all the therapy and medication, all the work that I have done, would have been enough to do social things that I really crave and enjoy. And then I wasn't ready, and I broke more things I could afford. In a symbolic way I mean, I guess my friends are lenient and will forgive me over time. But it wasn't how I wanted it to be.

Regardless, I am brave, I am strong enough. I broke myself, I reached up and fell down. I'll heal and try again.

[jossujb]

Today is moving day, yhough I have been washing carpets and carrying everything I possibly can by hand from apartment to apartment in hopes of keeping costs down. I was able to save relatively many bigger paintings as well, though unforrunately I did trash a few just because I don't see myself hanging them up and there's no market for random crap.

Though, I did save a fairly big portrait of Castiel - mostly to as a protection for other pieces but if you wanna buy that message me haha.

The tennant who lived previously in my new home did absolutely zero cleaning as he left and there was like junk and grease that looked like it was from the 70's. But since I am a cleaner by profession the landlord was willing lower my first rent if I clean myself and in this economy for sure absolutely. Especially considering that while cleaning my apartment I am moving away from the frindge locker just exploded into pieces. Can't say I am looking forward the bill from that... if I had more time, i would ha e bought the spare part myself and it would have been cheaper, but the model is rare and I don't have enough time.

Also, a tag ai used to keep up a parting on the wall that was supposed to spare the wall did not work and scraped a paint off. The bill from that is also gonna be be goddamn fantastic.

I've gained a lot of weight. Fuuuuuccckkkkkkdjdjdk

[jossujb]

Yeah I am getting stressed out, I am moving next tuesday after Midsummer, and all the prepping for it is nerve wrecking. But doing my best I am... and after that I an at a karate camp for 4 days so that's a thing aaaaa

[jossujb]

[jossujb]

[jossujb]

Moving really triggers add/autism related issues, but it for sure is easier than any movi g homes I've ever had to make before, now that I know I get really overwhelmed and stressed out from things that are basically nothing and on top of that moving is difficult for anybody.

It is a relief that I can tell people without too much judgement these days how much I suffer and struggle at some things. Tho, since my outward behavior doesn't usually match what I am saying with words it still does give me trouble.

I've had few shutdown-type meltdown, few cases where I lose some of verbal cababilities and unfortunately it always looks like I'm getting pissy or upset or bored or whatever. It's really difficult to communicate no no you didn't do anything wrong, you couldn't have possibly done any better, the spoonds I have are limited I am sorry about that.

[jossujb]

Moving really triggers add/autism related issues, but it for sure is easier than any movi g homes I've ever had to make before, now that I know I get really overwhelmed and stressed out from things that are basically nothing and on top of that moving is difficult for anybody.

It is a relief that I can tell people without too much judgement these days how much I suffer and struggle at some things. Tho, since my outward behavior doesn't usually match what I am saying with words it still does give me trouble.

I've had few shutdown-type meltdown, few cases where I lose some of verbal cababilities and unfortunately it always looks like I'm getting pissy or upset or bored or whatever. It's really difficult to communicate no no you didn't do anything wrong, you couldn't have possibly done any better, the spoonds I have are limited I am sorry about that.