jjb's Hive

This is a Blog of Fangirly Interest: inconcistently tagged PROSHIP CONTENT (meaning FICTIONAL nsfw, self-harm, violence, incest, rpf, spoilers etc). Arts are tagged as art by jossu, tho

[jossujb]

Moving really triggers add/autism related issues, but it for sure is easier than any movi g homes I've ever had to make before, now that I know I get really overwhelmed and stressed out from things that are basically nothing and on top of that moving is difficult for anybody.

It is a relief that I can tell people without too much judgement these days how much I suffer and struggle at some things. Tho, since my outward behavior doesn't usually match what I am saying with words it still does give me trouble.

I've had few shutdown-type meltdown, few cases where I lose some of verbal cababilities and unfortunately it always looks like I'm getting pissy or upset or bored or whatever. It's really difficult to communicate no no you didn't do anything wrong, you couldn't have possibly done any better, the spoonds I have are limited I am sorry about that.

[jossujb]

Moving really triggers add/autism related issues, but it for sure is easier than any movi g homes I've ever had to make before, now that I know I get really overwhelmed and stressed out from things that are basically nothing and on top of that moving is difficult for anybody.

It is a relief that I can tell people without too much judgement these days how much I suffer and struggle at some things. Tho, since my outward behavior doesn't usually match what I am saying with words it still does give me trouble.

I've had few shutdown-type meltdown, few cases where I lose some of verbal cababilities and unfortunately it always looks like I'm getting pissy or upset or bored or whatever. It's really difficult to communicate no no you didn't do anything wrong, you couldn't have possibly done any better, the spoonds I have are limited I am sorry about that.

[jossujb]

You knpw, now that I've spent too much of my sanity to read upon gnostisism I am like, simultaneously, both impressed and disappointed how close Supernatural came into being Setian/Valentinian "classic" gnostisism.

Not just in the fact that God/Chuck Shurley is obviously a demiurge and there implied thing beyond his ignorant and blind world view, but the implications on the Existence of the Empty, Jack having inner light to reach towards outside of the known universe, and other nonsense like souls being in different ways trapped in existence either on Heaven or Hell or on Earth as spirits, comes really goddamn close to actual orinal god eminating thoughts into spritual beings.

Like, that whole Empty-business only makes sense if you have real Pistis Sofia/Gospel of Mary/Secret book of John, and consider it as the outside of Pleroma/Fullness where Wisdom/Sofia accidentally fell and gave birth to demiurge/creator god who then though he was the only and suprime and first in his ignorance.

And yet I have don't believe even for a second the writers of SPN had read enough about early christian theology to make any of intentionally. But it's mindwrecking, like "I wanna bite own tongue out" type frustrating, that it's almost fucking there. That would have been one original thing for that trashfire of a show, to introduce gnostic so called heresies to general public xDDDD

[jossujb]

Yeah yeah some peopple realized the birds in the tree painting was the upperpart of something that was intended to SPN/Destiel zine once upon a time.

I think I got frustrated and/or depressed or had a autistic meltdown vecause as most fanproject do, it didn't really go through as planned. I had long time ago in a fit of anguish ripped the painting apart.

Anyway, since I am cleaning and packing for moving I found pieces of it and noticed that top part is still salvageable by joining the pieces on Photoshop. And that gives me pieve, I really liked the birds a lot. At the time I liked the Destiel part of it but in highsight it had such bad anatomy and composition that I don't really mind it is lost to time.

But I put the birds in my facebook coverpage, it's still qiite nice. I accidentlally through out the whole boon that all the drawing in the same style... that's a bit unfortunate, I had really cute drawing of Jensen and Jared in them that weren't all that bad.

[jossujb]

[jossujb]

[jossujb]

Due to some finanxial difficulties I have because of on goin therapy and meds and stuff, i will moving to new apartmenr next month. Gives me so much anxiety.

Besides, I have to go through all artworks, drawibgs paibting etc and see what's been ruined in bad storage, and what I should give up in lack of space. That's urrghhhfgg

I'd rather give things away but that's not as easy said than done.

I've been so.ewhat writing like historical novel ideas that for sure won't anywhere. But I got so deep into Gnostic scripture in research that I started seeing really pressuring and anxious dreams mostly from Gnostic Apocalypse of Peter. I am not particularly religious and it doesn's very much help if my dreams are quoting difficult scipture.

Though, it does kinda help me out thinking more interesting unique lore my pseudo-original angelverse. Psisis Sofia and Secret Book of John gave me the idea that I could seek inspiration more from aeons and emination, and that would probably result in something not so cliche.

[jossujb]

[jossujb]

My application for treatmens for my neurospicy problems was declined - though, the reason was frustratingly not because ai didn't qualify, but my own written review of the situation was lacking in their opinion. It didn't matter that doctors and therapist had a good review, I just didn't write well enough.

Which does suck, but I didn't get as bad of meltdown over it than last time ai was declined because I had wrong signatures from wrong people - situation I couldn't help. I guess it is easier to accept that I am a screwup rather than everything is just screwed around me.

This doesn't make me too comfortable considering this year's goal on therapy when it comes to opening up traumas. It really hit me deep in that sort of insecurity wrehe people admit that you are suffering - you're just not voicing it just the right way.

[jossujb]

Yesterday I had my first day of coaching kids class completely on my own. Good that it was a Holiday, so only 15 or so people attentes. It's not possible to manage the whole class on your own if all 40 people are attending.

A little bit late notice tho. Sensei kinda forgot he has things to do and Japanese sensei's seminar coming so he was scrambling for someone to cover the class.

I am fairly happy with the result. I mean, I am a bit too dry whwn it comes to teaching children. Not as uplifting and upbeat than I think I should be... but I did my best and I hope people learned something.

[jossujb]

Äiti - Mom

[jossujb]

[jossujb]

Juniors have their belt gradings next week and you know, as someonw who has been coaching them this season, that's actually more stressful to me than my own gradings xD

On my own training I have improvwd in kunite, can throw somewhat decent ushirouramawashigeri and a fairly mean kizami/tobikomizuki. Difficulties in kata, however. There's few throws I do exceptionally well and then others where I am worse than awerage. I am hoping for permission to compete, though I would have lose weight and pause medication.

May Day on Friday. It's a big deal in Finland, if you know you know.

[jossujb]

Mixed feelings on karate this week. On one hand, I have profound difficulties with my kata, espexially with stances like mahanmi nekoashi, and that frustrates me so much.

Mahanmi nekoashi (long/wide cat stance) is difficult for most people, but I have no difficulties in mobility or strech like most people. If I have to move in the stance I can't snap my knee into a position and I don't get which muscle ia underperforming that way.

On the other hand, I've moved forward in kumite... better timing, clean scores, good postures. Right now I try work on flexible movement and rhytm and that's difficult... I have more weight right now, and it does matter when you try be very light on your feet.

Good progress in couple techniques over all. I still don't have enough people to train with, with intensity necessary to up the level. I have to work on my control, but like... it's really difficult to pick up speed and power if you can't make any mistaked. It would be easier to train with someone at the same level of intensity, that they wouldn't mind occasional too hard contact.

[jossujb]

I dunno if weight gain at this point is good or negative. I mean, i giess having appetite after not havibg any is good. I relly wouldn't like to get out of my clithws tho. Some of it is muscle tho, I train very heavily. Shoulders and chest are signifigantly bigger, because I don't gather fat in any case for my upper body.

Spend the weekend at karate competition at Vääksy. Had a relatively good time mentally. Was definitely in somewhatbof a overdrive on Sunday. Was a bit too bothersome for my karate buddy. I for example spend time sniffing him, and I know men don't really find that stuff funny if they're not i to you. But he let is slide, which is very kind of him.

I am like, more or less ok that behave in weird way especially when I am tired... it's just that I cannot really expect or demand anyone else to be ok with it, and that's what causes anxiety.

[jossujb]

Tomorrow I'm doing official's job at karate competition at Vääksy. Gotta het ready my honey drinks because I am still suffering from allergies oit of this planet, and throat is quite done for. Tests show I have no illnessess going on otherwise, but I do sound like I am dying on flu. But otherwise I feel alright.

I got my summer vacation conveniently on the week there's a 4 day karate camp, so that's gonna be so fun! Can't wait, I haven't done anything particularly interesting during vacations for years. And this is like, a social event too! Yey.

I have been waiting for statement about my autisms related spcial benefits for two months now. That's getting on my nerve, because if it's negative, I need to do some other moves so that therapy doesn't get cut. But I cannot see a doctor or anything bwfore the decision comes through. Quite a trouble.

[jossujb]