Journey to Two-Seventy

[journey2two-seventy]

Pictures, Binge Eating, Deep Breaths.

I know it’s a terrible picture. 

I am not being self-depreciating. I promise. It really is a bad picture. I know how to take good photos. I can point out all the things I hate about this picture but that’s not what we’re here for. This picture was taken in 2019. Back when I was actually planning for a wedding that didn’t happen thanks to Miss Rona. I digress. Weight is such a sensitive topic for people, and it’s so easy to have a distorted view of your own weight. 

I think one of the reasons I decided to write the blog was to remove the distortion of my own weight. When I look in the mirror I don’t see that girl.  The number I see on the scale and what I see in the mirror don’t match. I started to realize something. I was in subconscious denial about my weight. To the point I didn’t even realize I was sucking my stomach in when I was naked in the mirror. Just me and my reflection and I wasn’t even honest with myself. I’m telling myself over and over “It’s not that bad.” Not realizing that I was refusing to face my own reflection. Now remember that picture was take in 2019. The first time I remember releasing that breath I was holding was in in Jan-Feb of 2021. I immediately got in the shower and cried. I couldn’t believe that’s what I looked like. When did this happen? How did it happen? The sad thing was as much as I hated the way I looked it took me until 4-5 months later to finally do something about it. 

I’m making more of an effort to be more active and to eat better (marginally, we’re being honest right?) The thing is, I want to figure out how I got here, so I can avoid repeating. I’m releasing the “emotional” breath I’ve been holding in and looking in the mirror. Like all things worth having, I know this won’t be easy, but maybe my journey will help someone else in theirs. I am lazy by nature. And I’ve started to realize I’ve used that as an excuse to become complacent with the things that matter. Not just with my weight but in all things. Somewhere along the line I stopped taking care of me. 

I have struggled with my weight since I was 15. I am an emotional eater. When I am sad I eat and when I am happy I eat. If I am stressed, guess what? I eat. My mom also had issues with her weight and we can get into the trauma that created but this is about me, sooo we’ll leave that topic for another blog. (LOL) I know what my issues with food are. I’ve known about them for at least 10 years or more. It’s easier and far less work to ignore them. Remember I am lazy. Not in all things, but when it comes to emotional stuff I would much rather ignore than deal with it. I am an Aquarius. It’s not all my fault. 

I know some people might say it doesn’t matter how I got here but, just like dismantling white supremacy, if we don’t get to the root of the issue, nothing really changes. So while I focus on finding my happy place weight wise, I want to examine how it got this out of control in the first place. 

My name is Liz. 

I am fat. 

I am no longer hating myself for it. 

Until next time.