My Journey to MD @journeyanddream - Tumblr Blog

Burning Life, Burning Passion

Have you ever ignited all that you have remaining, to shed light onto the path of others, guiding those lost souls to their destination?

It was an ordinary Tuesday morning, everything sitting perfectly still as if even time himself have stopped his path to appreciate the beauty that is life...

I started my day with BST (bedside tutorial), the usual routine of seeing patients on the wards, taking a history, do an examination and discuss the results. However unlike any other BSTs, I had no idea the one I was walking into would hit me the way it did.

From here onward, all the critical / patient and health related information have been modified to maintain confidentiality.

As soon as we walked into the room, we were greeted with warmth and a smile by Mrs. X, a middle aged lady whom if you walked past in the street, you wouldn’t think twice about the possibility ill-health. Her crescent shaped eyes and pale complexion radiated warmth and kindness, which reminded me of my own late grandmother. She sat on a small bench-type sofa at the end of her room, with various lines coming out of her and an IV bag connected to them.

“Hello! Wow, it’s like a party inside here.” She said with a smile after seeing 6 students and 1 supervising clinician, like a bunch of new born chicks following their mother. After some brief exchange regarding the purpose of our visit, she happily agreed to talk to us and possibly let us examine her towards the end.

She sat comfortably on the bench as we each took turns to ask questions about her symptoms, past medical history, and we took the time to get to know her as a person: her hobbies, work life, family and wishes going forward.

Mrs. X is diagnosed with end-stage cancer, spread across multiple parts of her body, she has lost alot of weight over the past few weeks and finds it increasingly difficult to get food down - a task we took for granted now became a chore for her, one look to the table next to her, you will see plates of unfinished or untouched food with half glass of orange juice...glistening under the hospital light. Her journey thus far hasn’t been easy, battling with multiple symptoms that threatens to take the light out of her life, the pain and the struggle are simply imaginable. But...she told us all of that with a smile and even managed to crack a few jokes along the way. I can’t fathom what must’ve been going on in her head and what thoughts she must’ve had in the past few weeks as her “remaining light” slowly trickles away to a dim.

Was she scared? Was she worried about leaving the family behind? How must her family and friends felt about all this? What about her children? What about her dreams and goals in life that’s yet uncompleted?

“I love travelling and visiting my family in a different country, I also love my job and to be frank...I cannot wait to go back!” she said with excitement and determination; “But unfortunately I don’t think I will get to do that anymore, there are a lot of things I still want to do, but I guess that’s just life...you have to make the most out of it no matter what!” her smile never fades. She is a true warrior, a trooper and an inspiration; how much i wish I could do something to turn back the clock...I feel her pain.

As we moved onto examination...she slowly stood up from the bench and shuffled towards the bed, as if using all her might to make that journey. We asked for her consent, and whether it was okay for students to examine as well...”No problem at all, don’t be worried” she says as she removes the garment. The students lined up anxiously with our palm clasped together, held in front of our chest. Each student moved forward in turn while others waited at the back.

When it was my turn, I shuffled forward while slapping my palms with alcohol rub. “Would I be okay if i examine you, please let me know if I cause you any discomfort of pain” I said cautiously. “Go ahead”, She nodded. I looked and pressed gently with both of my hands, while constantly looking back at her expression to make sure I am not causing her any discomfort. I closed my eyes and tried to visualise the mass in my head as my fingers ran over its borders, examining its size, shape, consistency, regularity, mobility, depth and tenderness. About 20 seconds later, I took one step back and expressed my gratitude “Thank you so much”.

I thought to myself, here’s a wonderful lady in the twilight of her days, who could’ve enjoyed a quiet morning, who must’ve been so exhausted by all the chemotherapy, surgery and cancer...where talking, eating, and standing up take tremendous amount of energy and courage. But now she is here, surrounded by a bunch of strangers whom she had never met before examining her, exposing her and troubling her...I felt an intense sorrow and embarrassment.

In reality, Mrs. X may not be with us anymore in a few weeks or months time, she deserves every opportunity to be as comfortable and as happy as possible. And yet she agreed to let us to learn from her, from her condition, from her story and journey and most importantly...her body that tells a whole different story itself - at the end of her life.

I am unsure to why i feel so bad about this and who i should talk to about this, but how i think about it...she ignited her last bit of energy and life to pass down knowledge to students she had never seen before, she embodied both the teacher and the lesson; and we were her students...and she was the light that illuminated our path, allowing us to see further and clearer.

“I hope you all the very best in your studies and future endeavors, I am sure you will all become great doctors!” Mrs. X smiled and greeted us as we made our exit. Although we here this all the time from patients, but something about this hits differently. Even as we moved onto the next case, I find myself intrigued about Mrs. X, it was a powerful encounter, a memorable moment...though transient.

I just want to say THANK YOU! for everything you had done and the lessons you have left behind. I will make sure to do my very very best to all my future patients, and part of your legacy will remain with me for the rest of my career.

My First Day on Placement - Episode 2

Continuing...

As I walked into the consultation room, I nervously introduced myself and greeted my doctor, who I would shadow for the rest of my placements. I was instructed to sit down and have a chat before we begin the cases.

“Have a seat first, tell me a bit about yourself” the Dr. W said

“My name is X, I am a second year student, I came from a backround of medical science for undergrad and this is my first clinical attachment.” I replied, she then proceeded to tell me a bit about herself, her training and her background.

She had a gentle vibe and a calming nature, and she portrayed a sense of genuineness that cannot be faked. Her demeanor is professional but at the same time makes you feel right at home and very approachable...I can definitely see why her patients loved her so much. I had feeling I was in good hands for the next four week.

She later explained to me this week would mainly focus on getting me used to the environment and pace of the clinic and in future weeks I would be progressively given more responsibilities and things to do (eg. take a history or complete an examination by myself).

“Just get comfortable first, I will let you sink your teeth into it as we go; if you don’t understand anything just ask” She said with a smile.

Without delay we proceeded to our first case of the day. She walked up to the door to “grab the patient” and proceeded with a warm greeting; I stood up reflexively and stayed behind the doors, just enough to block my view of the doctor and patient. “OMG, my first patient, CRAP!” i thought to myself while looking to the mirror to my far left, checking for any untucked shirt egdes or loose strands of hair poking out; followed by a deep breath...phewwwww.

Before I could gather myself together, the patient walked in...”We have a medical student today, are you okay if he sits in with us today?”...”Yeah no problem” the patient replied as they walked in....”ohhh...Good morning, nice to meet you, my name is P” I responded quickly and sat down in my corner chair.

Before I could realise, they already sat down and the consultation was right under way...”So, how may I help today?”

I opened my small note book and my hands moving at the speed of light, taking down each and every detail the patient has mentioned, in an almost automatic fashion (like how we’ve been trained to do) with series of small headings: presenting illness > history of presenting issue > past medical history > medication / allergies > family history > social history > assessment and investigations etc.

There were also a couple treatments that I got to either observe or assist in which was pretty cool, although they were minor...they were my firsts (eg. ear canal syringing, IV cannulation for iron infusion, urinalysis etc.)

Whenever there is an abnormal sign on physical examination, Dr. W would always be really considerate and ask the patient “Can our medical student have a go at this?”..which 10/10 times on that day, the patient was kind enough to let a noobie med student get some hands on experience. I got to hear crackles, palpate enlarged lymph nodes, listen to abnormal heart sounds and using an otoscope to look at ear canals and pharynx. I am truly thankful for these opportunities, because your clinical experience differs dramatically depending on who you are shadowing, some get to do sutures and injection while other sat there the entire day without seeing or doing anything; and I think i got the good end of the stick.

At the end of the day, I got to see 18~20 cases, with a wide spectrum of presentations: Ear wax extraction, Vaccination injection, Iron Infusion, URTIs, Back pain, Wound review, Atrial flutter, Eczema, UTIs, BPH, Antenatal review, STI screening, COCP refill, mental health assessment, mastitis, skin problem, viral illness and more!

General practice has turned out to be different from what i initially expected, you really do get to see a wide spectrum of conditions, not just fevers and coughs...as a GP you need good knowledge across many different body systems, knowing not only the symptoms, risk factors and treatments but also being able to pick up the ‘red-flags’ and have the bravery to say “I’m not sure and I will get a second opinion on this”. It amazed me, wowed me and opened my eyes to the world of general practice and the true value of building a long lasting relationship with your patients and their family. Seeing a good GP at work, weaving between different patients is all you need to be convinced and awed...their ability to interact with people on a meaningful basis is simply artful.

- To be continued

My First Clinical Placement

05.02.2020 - Day 1, Hour 0

It was an early and slightly humid morning. The rain and clouds from days prior has cleared up nicely as well. I woke up a bit later than I would’ve liked, I had been feeling nervous about the placement for a few days now, which i suspect affected my sleep.

I can’t help but think to myself: What kind of patients would I see? I hope I won’t be as useless and get in the way of doctors...What should I revise before the placement? What if i screw this up....the thoughts plagued my mind, but there didn’t seem to be any clear answers, and the more I thought the more anxious I felt.

This was my first ever “proper” placement, in a big general practice (a.k.a family medicine or GP) clinic up north of Sydney, a good 1.5 hour drive from my house in peak hours (spoilers alert: the drive there was HORRENDOUS! and I was almost late). And this was the first in a series of clinical placements for year 2 Medicine that will also include: Oncology, Vascular Medicine, Endocrinology, Neurology and Neurosurgery (exciting right!).

Rather than clinical placement, It’s more accurate to call it “clinical immersion” or “clinical experience” because year 2 (stage 1) students aren’t traditionally allowed to go on clinical ground like hospitals, theatre or clinic; but our school has taken the leisure to change the didactic nature of medicine and immerse us early on in our career to better prepare us for what is to come in year 3 and 4 (stage 2)...where the real shit begins.

Back to the main story. I got up and dressed myself in carefully selected, newly purchased shirt and pants...trying my best to at least “look” like a real doctor. To complete the look, I clipped on my mint “Medical Student” badge with my name printed in bold black letters next to a University logo #Official. I had already packed my stethoscope, penlight, notebook and a GPCompanion ‘textbook’ the night before and off I go!

The drive there was tortuous, much longer than I initially planned but thank lord I had left the house 40 minutes earlier to account for this (top tip! try to be there EARLY on your placement, and life will be much easier for you). I had about less than 10 minutes left when I finally found parking and proceeded to brisk walk to the practice with a mini panick attack but I did make it at the end, about 5 minutes late (T _ T would never let this happen again).

I walked in with a somewhat forced smile, trying my best to not seem too nervous...”Good Morning! My name is P, I am a 2nd year medical student rostered for placement today” I greeted the reception and soon after I was directed to the practice manager’s office for a brief introduction. My first impression what that they were all really nice, friendly and genuinely happy to have me there.

The manager gave me a quick tour of the practice, including 5 consultation names, 2 nursing bays, pathology room, reception, staff kitchen and toilets. Because I came in a bit late, my supervising doctor has already started seeing the 1st patient (that’s why you DO NOT come late!), which means I miss out on a learning opportunity, and up to this point I have not met or talked with the doctor before.

To make up for this time, the manager sat me down in front of a computer behind the reception and introduced me to their electronic patient record system and taught me how to look up relevant information like previous visits, pathology reports, imaging, diagnosis and treatment etc. “Just look through this for now, and during down times you are free to look up any patient information as needed” the manager left me soon after and I found myself behind the a computer screen with no supervision...a small thought came by.

I thought to myself “Sh*T! Don’t tell me I gotta sit here all day and get no clinical experiences just like last time, this is what you get for coming late, you fricking idiot!”, I said to myself as unpleasant memories of my 1 day emergency clinic shadowing experience washed over me.

To my amazement, within 5~10 minutes, the manager came by again and said “The doctor is ready to see you soon, just a couple more minutes to finish up with the current patient”; I jumped out of my chair, with all my notebooks in hand...ready to go at the second. I was escorted to the doctor’s consultation room, and *knock-knock*, “Your medical student is here Dr., I will leave you two to it.” the manager walks away with a smile.

As I opened the door, I introduced myself like a robot (was so nervous and stiff!), “Morning Dr., I am P, nice to meet you”. She smiled back at me and introduced herself to me with a smile, and also 1000x more natural and professional than I was, “Come and have a sit, let’s have a chat before we begin.” she pointed towards one of the patient chair.

To be continued....

What is the hardest road you’ve walked on?

Was it the hike towards mountain top, or perhaps the cross-city marathon, or even your daily treadmill runs at the gym…the answer is neither. The most difficult path I’ve embarked on is one that is against the flow and the crowd.

Dragging my fatigued body and burnt-out mind across the campus towards the library after a full day of classes…my mind plagued by the thoughts of studying and exams, as I watch hordes of students walking in the opposite direction (How much do I wish to be like them, to be able to go home or hang out with my friends)…is perhaps the hardest road I’ve walked on.

Blasted mercilessly by the mid-night gust, stumbling on the stony path from the library as the wind pierces my skin and organs and my thoughts running wild, plagued after a 15 hours day…witnessed only by the stars and the ancient University sandstone buildings towering over me (as if they are judging and laughing at my predicament)…is perhaps the hardest road I’ve walked on

Becoming the very object of social isolation, forced to take in all the looks of disdain and disapproval from those around me…without support, encouragement, nor affirmation from loved ones and being questioned for every action and thought, due to my repeated absence from social events…is perhaps the hardest road I’ve worked on.

It has already been a year since I’ve started medicine, and it has been a year of meaningful transformation, riddled with pain, tears and endless struggles. They say you cannot grow without pain, nor can you learn without giving you all…I agree with this with every cell in my body.

It is never easy to walk against the current and say ‘NO’ to the conventional thoughts of others. It can be as simple or as complex as politely declining an invite to a social event or gradually distancing yourself away from toxicities. Yes you will be judged and yes you will be critiqued because you are ‘different’ and ‘standing out’…but that’s okay, we have no obligations to be and act like others, our only obligation should be to stay true to ourselves and that is often the best thing we can do.

Look…i get it. Sometimes things get so bad you don’t think there’s a way out and sometimes it gets so painful, you feel like your entire your world is collapsing and no one understands your situation. I just want to say…it’s okay to feel that way, but just know that these feelings are only temporary and hard times do go away i promise. It is okay to cry, it is okay to fail and it is okay to take a break to rest your body and mind. You are strong! Everything will turn out okay, perhaps not immediately but eventually.

I know it scares you to be alone

I know how much you care about the past

I know you are doing your absolute best

I know you are tired, exhausted…but you didn’t give up

AND i know how much pain you’ve had and is having…

But it’s okay.

I don’t know who need to hear this, perhaps to myself:

You will eventually muster the courage to walk this path alone and develop the strength to conqueror your inner demon and all the hardships that come your way. Don’t let your past shackle you down, let them be the strength that propels you forward and use those experiences (the good and the bad) to live a better life! I believe in it!

As always, here’s to another year of great transformation, for 2020!

- 01/01/2020; 1:26 am

Hi!! I’m going to attempt to start med school fall of 2020 and I was wondering if you had any insight on what lays ahead of me. I would really like to pick your brain on the process that you had to go through to get you where you are now.

Hey, what do you mean by “attempt to start”, are you asking about the preparation for the entrance exam, or how life is like in medicine (as in you’ve already got it)

Semester One

24th August 2019; Saturday night and currently week 5 into semester two of medical school. This has been a very long overdue update (9 weeks too late), something I have kept pushing myself to do but never had the time or energy to pull through. But here it is

My last writing detailed my experience of day 1 at medical school, as a freshman full of triumph, excitement and ready to tackle the world, but at the same time too naive to know what hardships and obstacles lay ahead of me. And now, I’m almost half way through finishing the year and on my way to become a second year medical student...ohhhh how time flies.

In the past few months I’ve experienced many ups and downs. I’ve learned how to take my medical history, acquainted to the ways of “medical talks” and “professionalism”. I’ve learned and performed my first physical examination, took my first formal clinical examination (OSCEs), went on my first shadowing at an emergency clinic, seen my first patient. And to top it all off, I was inducted into the medical profession at a stethoscope ceremony, where the symbol of medicine was bestowed to me - one of the proudest moment of my life, where all the blood and tears; early morning and late nights finally came into fruition

At the same time, I’ve also went through one of the hardest period of my life - I had to re-learn how to live “by myself” again after facing the inevitable and having to let go of a person who shared so much with me; and the emotional burden of which took a big hit on my life: both emotionally and personally. I was beaten up, distraught and depressed while trying to prepare for my final exams days later. Maybe in a few years time, I’d realise I have become stronger and more resilient because of it

The semester itself was tough, because everything was a new experience to me, and having to re-define my place among the turmoil of life. It was an endless cycle of preparation, lectures, tutorials, practicals and revision over and over again at an intense pace, akin to a little mouse trying to drink from a fire hydrant. We cycled through different blocks: cardiology, pulmonology, gastroenterology and urology; all integrated with associated anatomy, physiology and pharmacology. I have learned so much about a human body, why it goes wrong and most importantly, how to treat it.

2019 is also a year of achievements. I was awarded Dean’s list of excellent academic performance, and topped the cohort for the final exam.

At the same time, I had to constantly remind myself why I chose this profession, and why I must distinguish myself from others, because I was not happy about where I am, literally and metaphorically. I was not satisfied with being in a non-elite medical school, which meant I have a lot more things to prove. I was not happy with the people around me, I expected nothing less than perfection, excellence, dedication, impeccable work ethic, intense respect and passion for the medical profession...and most importantly I expected to meet people who can inspire me, who will make me want to work harder and chase up to. But in reality, it is a very stratified environment with a mixture of everything. I knew i must climb higher, and travel further to reach a place where I truly belong.

Maybe, by then I will be truly happy?

Managing inter-personal relationships has been an interesting and challenging test. Relationships you form in medical school is a fine balance between “friends” and “colleagues”. The line between which you must titrate and thread on a daily basis...getting too distant from the crowd, you will be called anti-social, but getting too close to the people, you will also get inevitably burnt to crisps. Different people will eventually fall in and fall out of the circle throughout this 4 year journey - and it’s about time to get used to this.

Last but not least, I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to further my interest and passion in anatomy as an University tutor and demonstrator for Department of Anatomy and Histology at Sydney - a place where i truly feel at home. The mentors and academics (co-workers included) over there are simply phenomenal and amazing people, that not only opens my eyes to the world but also inspires me to do better and improve every single time. This relationship and experience is something I will treasure and protect at all time. I am grateful for everything my mentor has done for me.

Let the next few months be a time of great transformation

As usual: trust the process, believe the progress

- until next time

Day 1, Hour 0

It was a restless night, I rolled around back and forth without being able to fall asleep and as the night pressed on, i felt more “energized”. And at the end, two hours of sleep was all I had before embarking on my big day.

After getting lost a couple of time, I finally found the auditorium where our first briefing will be held. I was calm, I was excited. I was directed into a waiting area with numerous students hovering near the entrance of the auditorium, studded with a couple student mentors. “What’s your last name”, the mentor queried. “Xu”, I replied in a quiet but steady voice. “Okay, what course are you doing” the mentor pressed on.

“Doctor of Medicine.”

For that very moment, I could feel the attentions from the surrounding students slowly zooming onto me, like a concentrated beam of sunlight. The students were mostly undergraduate science students, all aspiring for a career in medicine. And at that moment, I became the embodiment of their dream. I fully understands the feeling, as I was in the same situation couple of years ago, where I envied “I wish I could be like him/her”.

After this short encounter, I moved my way into the auditorium. It was not a big lecture hall...its capacity no more than 250 students. Contrary to my expectation, the room is not exclusive to medicine, but included a good mixture of master of public heath and bachelor of clinical science. We then spent three hours going over seemingly boring topics like “how to access your email”, “what is academic integrity”, “Where to get your lecture slides” etc; all which MAY be useful for first years but redundant at best for us veterans who have went through hell. We then went through course specific introductions, and naturally medicine was placed at the last.

The master of public health and bachelor of clinical science academic gave extensive talks about their expectations and what the courses are like, which bored me to death as I was dying to know more about MY OWN course. A few yawns later, it was finally our time. Academics here have the tendency to request “raise your hands if you are from X course”, and without surprise, out of the 250 or so students, only a handful were MDs.

Just as I was daydreaming, a man of big stature dressed in navy shirt and black pants walked onto the stage in big strides. What normally took female academic 10 steps, he did it in 4. His voice was projecting and clear, and you could feel the confidence radiating outwards.

“I am an endocrinologist and co-director of the MD program...”, my heart lightened up and my pupil dilated, “without name shaming, put your hands up if you are doing medicine...” He took a sudden pause and said with a smirk, “c’mon, medical students, hands up”. Just as he finished, my hand and arm jolted up in a continuous motion, shooting straight into the air with so much pride...as if answering “YES!”.

After the faculty welcome concluded, It was time for lunch. All the students were ushered to a large ‘balcony’ and ‘roof top’ like place with an array of different snacks and food. Just as the morning talk, this session was also bombarded with kids from different streams and courses. I walked in wondering “Where are my homies at?” However, I was determined to know as much of the cohort as possible and set a solid footing into this new soil. I first started with two people whom I had brief exchanges earlier, who were both first year med students.

I made the effort to speak clearly, loudly and confidently with a smile. “Hey! My name is X, nice too meet you.” The conversations initially hovered around the excitement of being in med school, the feeling of being in a new uni, or even a new country for those who came from interstate or internationally. I continued to maneuver around the event venue, finding more and more “homies”, I was not scared of introducing myself to a group, in fact I was introducing different groups to each other as an effort to “round up” the 1st years scattered among students from other courses.

In a matter of thirty minutes, a small 3 people group soon became 10, then 20. Everyone was so bright and friendly, each with their unique personalities and quirks. But all of them had left me with a memorable impression. Some were shy and timid, others were talkative and cracked jokes and banters. The next thing you know, we had already started planning where we would be hanging out and drinking together.

People here are so different to undergraduates, they are all so open to chat and keen to make friends. There is such a diverse background and personality, It seemed like different blobs of paint sloshed onto the canvas like a huge mess. But examining closely, this diversity and variety is the very strength of medical education and it is what makes medicine different from ANY other courses.

These are the people that will learn, study and work with you for the next four years, accompanying you in different stages of medicine; these are the people you will laugh with, cry with, struggle with and succeed with...they are all part of an extended family. I feel empowered because I am part of this community.

So if you are gonna achieve this someday, might as well start now!

As of today, we are officially members of Australian Medical Student Association (AMSA) and the university medical society. That’s awesome isn’t it! It is the real deal! (We also got some freebies from AMSA)

Around 1pm, the number of people had started to thin out. Just as I was about to wrap it up and go home, they suggested “Why don’t we head down to the food place (UBar) to grab a drink and chill?” I believe, this is the beginning of a strong bond in the making, this is the type of things that connect people and bring them closer. Of course I could not turn down such offer.

Later that day, we bumped into another group of medical students who went to library tours, and a simple “Hey!” turned out to be another 3 hours long conversation filled with laughter, just like that our extended family has grown even further and tighter. Although it was first time meeting eachother, and we still had trouble remembering so many new names and faces, it honestly felt like we knew each other for a long time.

“Let’s eat at this place next time, I heard it’s very good!”

“Do you guys want to go target later, I need to get socks and soap”

“HAHAHAH socks! Why not, let go!”

“Since we are all in the University village, let’s move to the same place!”

“Have you signed this form? I can send you a copy if you don’t have it”

We then talked about medicine, specialty, hobbies, our own lives, families and many more topics that I could not even remember. But I do remember the feeling, I had so much fun.

I felt a strong sense of belonging. I felt loved and understood...by strangers whom I’ve known less than 24 hours, who are now families.

We will continue the conference week tomorrow with some MD overview and key stuff introductions; followed by a talk on person centered care and intermediate care facilities. After lunch we would continue with international clinical placements info in Apollo, all wrapped up with a Q&A with clinicians about medical career pathways. Exciting!

- To be continued

The Day I Start Medicine

18th February 2019; 2:50 am

Tomorrow....actually in 7 hours, marks my first day in medicine as a medical student. Numerous thoughts are rushing through my head, may it be excitement or anxiety, sprinkled with a fine mixture of fear and anticipation. Whatever, all I need to do is look ahead and be the best I could.

I never thought this day would come. Just a few months ago I was a down-beaten, depressed University student in my final year of undergraduate degree, who was uncertain, doubtful and straight out scared about his future. Having almost “flunked” the med school entrance exam twice in a row, the med dream was slowly drifting away from me. I thought I was done.

I prayed, and it delivered. An email out of the blue broke my entire world and flipped the trajectory of my life for the better. “NO WAY! IM IN!” I screamed as I opened the acceptance email from medical school. I still remember it, It was a fantastic moment, a fantastic day. All the pain, hardwork, struggle were paid back in that one instant and I could say confidently they were worth it.

But as I embark on the next journey, flipping the story to a brand new chapter, I begin to wonder how my story will shape out in the not too distant future. Will I be a successful doctor, a competent clinician and an inspiring educator? There are so many questions inside my head that are left unanswered: will the people at this new uni like me? will I be able to blend with others and make meaningful friendships? will I be able to burst out of my bubble and be ready to challenge myself? Is the course going to be really hard? How am I going to thrive in this brand new environment, surrounded by unfamiliar faces?

I don’t know. I am excited, but I am also scared

I have dreamed and dreamed of this very moment as a child. I’ve leaped through mountains, shattered blockages, climbed over hell and sacrificed a lot of things to get here. But now that I am actually here, I do not feel the emotion I had expected. Maybe deep down I still think I’m not good enough, or perhaps I am an incomplete project with many flaws. After working up the food chain throughout my academic career, I have found myself to be once again: a small fish in a big pond.

To be honest, I have never been that comfortable with social things. I am not bad at it when put on my back and pretend to be someone who I am not; but I’d never actively go out of my way to establish those meaningful connections. I guess I was always the shy type, who needs time to get close to people around me. This is contradicting and counter-intuitive as a future doctor, but I must make the distinction between professional work and social connection; I drew the line between them extremely clear, as to leave me with no chance to hesitate. I am worried, a tad bit scared, but I want to change that. I do not wish to be a doctor who is all books.

I wish people will like me.

I guess the feeling of being an actual medical student has not yet set in; the prospect of doing medicine still feels like a dream...a good dream I wish to not wake up from. Perhaps it will take a few weeks to settle in, the feeling of unease and disbelief, sprinkled with excitement. Tomorrow (today) will the start of conference week, where we get to know the course, the academics, fellow students, and most importantly, a sneak peak of the type of person we would become in four years; plus some extra inspirational talks about clinical work, history of medicine, what it means to be a doctor and campus tours. Sounds exciting right! And actual teachings will begin the week after that!

The timetable will look something like this:

I will look forward to tomorrow, look forward to the next four years. I do not yet know things that are going to happen, the ups and downs, but I shall do my best and be ready to tackle anything that comes my way. This is going to be a brand new, exciting new chapter, and I cannot wait to write many more adventures and leave more memories behind. After all, this IS medicine, this IS where I always wanted to be.

For my future self:

“Fight! No matter how hard or how grueling it is, just keep fighting. It is okay to make mistakes, it is okay to say I don’t know. Keep standing up no matter how many times you are sent to your knees. Don’t lose sight of what you love, the things that inspired you to dive into this noble profession in the first place! Don’t forget WHO YOU ARE.”

Let the next four years be a time of great transformation

To be continued...

Medicine

1st November 2018, 11:00 am

It was just an ordinary day, intertwined with an extraordinary event. The sky has been its clearest outside weeks of rain, the smell of summer slowly waffles in as heat is being dissipated from every corner of the earth.

I was on my way to Bondi beach, slowly dozing off in the car under full blast of air con..when the unexpected news came. An email from Macquarie broke the silence and flipped my world upside down.

I tredded in disbelief, while hysterically repeated “No way, no way no way..”, just as my arms and legs were flailing around hopelessly. I grabbed the person next to me in an attempt to bring myself back down to earth. I opened it.

“ Thank you for your recent application for Doctor of Medicine degree at Macquarie University. I am delighted to make you a conditional offer to the Doctor of Medicine degree to commence your studies in session 1, 2019.

My heart raced and before I could finish reading the entire sentence, the hysterical repetition of “No way no way no way...” was quickly resumed. Is this real life? Am I tripping? Did I read it wrong? Am I dreaming? It was a moment where I could no longer hide my excitement, as I grabbed the person next to me, hugged her, and intensely stared into a familiar complexion, full of smile and comfort and proud.

I never thought I would make it, I never thought this day would come. In fact, I had already planned the “next step” for the next few years, having fully convinced myself that I am of no good for this noble profession. I was ready to face graduation, unemployment and another round of failure.

I was a mere a few steps away from giving up, thinking I would never be able to do it again. I was depressed, I was stressed and I doubted not only myself but everything / everyone around me.

But I’m glad I never gave up.

This one email had perhaps changed the trajectory of my life for the better, it lead me on a path and had opened so many new gates. All my fantasies and dreams could now be materialised, and those talks of hope would no longer remain “small talks” at the dinner table, but actual goals and milestones to be chased and set.

At this moment, it remains a conditional offer, which requires satisfactory completion of current degree, with filled requirements of prerequisites (anatomy, physiology). But it is so real, and I am a single step away from reaching my dream.

I did it.

I made it.

I can finally be a doctor.

- To be continued

Macquarie Interview

It was a tiring Friday afternoon when the expected news came unexpectedly, a mere three days after the initial rejection from Usyd, I had barely recovered from the distress. But It was like a beacon of light, the hand of salvation which had picked me up from the endless spiral of negativity and gloom.

The time was Friday, 31st August 2018, 3:38pm. I clicked open the email as I was mindlessly flipping through pages of practical notes. The title of the email was bold and prominent, it read “Multiple Mini Interview at Macquarie University”. I was elated, and a slimmer of hope radiated throughout me, the news itself provided a stark contrast to the monotonous and tedious life I was living at the time (and to a certain extend, how I am living now).

The fire that had been put out was once again ignited by the spark that is the prospect of undertaking medicine. It was something I could once again look forward to, something to hope for and even...live by.

I am excited, elated but also scared and worried. Who am I kidding? The actual chance of bursting through the gate is miserably low, thanks to the handicap of Gamsat score. I’ve been told numerous times that I should be grateful and excited to be even given the chance of attending interview...don’t get me wrong, I am really grateful to receive such chances, regardless of the outcome I would have learned invaluable lessons that would otherwise be unattainable.

The actual interview is less than 4 days away, but surprisingly I am not as “worked up” or “anxious” compared to last time. Perhaps I am contradicting myself by saying I am scared and calm at the same time, although oxymoronic in nature, they present as two separate feelings that are independent of one another. It is not the interview process I am scared of, nor the lack of preparation, but the uncertainty of future, and the uncertainty of self.

I feel lost. Do I truly know what I want?

Stalemate

The heart quenching yet purposeful waiting period finally ended with an unexpected email; an email that wasn’t expected to come, yet came unexpected - like a lightening bolt that all of a sudden shattered the regular rhythm of life and mercilessly robbed my piece of mind

Three months ago - application for Dentistry and Medicine was sent in

Two months ago - offer for interview of Dentistry arrived

One month ago - I went to my first interview, nervous but excited

Today - I lost the battle, a stalemate situation

“This email is to inform you that, unfortunately, you were not ranked highly enough for the school to offer you a first-round place in the DMD for 2019 and that you are on the waiting list”

How ironic. The waiting list...almost synonymous with rejection, sugar coated with uncertainty and sprinkled with doubt. This heart quenching news was yet another poison too hard to swallow, but too bitter to spit out.

“What is it that others have, that I don’t?” I questioned myself, a gloomy thought that has long been forgotten has returned. The chances of a late round offer seems rather slim, and the entirety of the email was an attempt to mock, to ridicule...

A prisoner on his way to the guillotine, to receive his final penalty...but the blade was blunted and rusted, instead of a quick clean cut, the prisoner was left incapacitated, on the edge of life and death, grasping for air and salvation. This is torture.

Is this the end? At least it felt like it...

It is all too easy to brush off an insignificant event and all too easy to move on when you are outside the circle. The prospect of going through another journey, sitting the exam, applying, waiting and interviewing is not a good one...all of these parts added together can span across an entire year...another year of uncertainty and doubt; and possibly another failure to be recorded on the book.

The entirety of this blog was dedicated to “My journey to medicine / dentistry”, yet the existence of such blog is another mockery, a tedious record of failures that I desperately wish to forget.

This is life i suppose; not that I can fully comprehend the meaning of life.

- To be continued

Dentistry Interview

I had never thought I’d get to this stage.

In approximately 12 hours, I would be waiting outside the interview room in full formal attire head to toe, while anxiously waiting for the bell to ring. As I enter the room, I would be greeted by an interviewer who I imagine would be covered in grays and oozes authority. A piece of A4 paper will be layed out on the table in front of me that details the exact scenario to which I will be discussing in the next 7 minutes. Another bell would ring to indicate the end of this station and we would be directed to step outside and wait for the next bell - and move on to the next station. All these would be repeated for 5 stations in total, with 2 minutes ‘down time’ between each. It’s within reach but yet it feels so far; so elusive.

This interview will be the last barrier before I could burst through the gate and reach ‘Avalon’, and this is the closest I have ever been to my dream. I can see it, I can smell it and it is already within reaching distance. However, this ‘holy grail’ seems to dissipate and vanish as soon as I extend my fingertips, desperately trying to grasp it, to hold it. Perhaps it has not yet materialized, or perhaps it has not deemed me worthy enough to hoist the grail.

It has been 18 days since my invitation to interview, and within this short time I have familiarized myself with concepts medical ethics, rural health, public health, indigenous health, decision makings, teamwork, communications and motivations. However I understand this interview is more about personality, character than actual knowledge. It is the search of future doctors who are not only knowledgeable, but also compassionate and understand the bigger picture of humanity.

People say it is a privilege to even have the chance to prepare for interview, and only the most distinguished are given the chance to showcase their personality, motivation and intelligence. However, I was not the grain of the crop. If 100 people are invited to interviews based on competitiveness of their GAMSAT (or ranking of score), then I’d be the 90th to 100th candidate. At the end of the day, your interview score and your GAMSAT score are combined to yield a ‘final score’, which is then used to determine whether you will receive a spot in the medical school or not.

I still feel like an outcast, a failure who does not deserve this spot; and my existence feels minute when compared to those truly distinguished students. Compared to those students with scores so high, no matter how badly they performed on the interview, their chances of admission remain high. Unlike me, at this stage I am nobody. Everyone around me has expressed their confidences in me, and that they have “no doubt [I] will make it in”. I am forever grateful for all the trust and I truly hope these trusts will not be misplaced, but these kind words also place huge burdens on me. I don’t want to disappoint them again, I want to hold my head up high and tell them firmly, “I’ve done it! I’ve made it.”

A tornado of emotions is washing over me. Is this fear I am feeling, or is it anxiety and doubt. It is certainly scary to think the rest of your career / life will be determined by how well you speak in those 35 minutes. I do not know if my heart is ready to take another pounding, I do not know if I have the strength or courage to go through this painful journey again. I desperately want to call this my last, call it done and finally close the curtain and place a full stop to this tragic play. Wouldn’t it be nice, knowing I would become a doctor?

However, regardless of the outcome...I have learned, grown and matured alot, I was fortunate enough to get to this stage (something I would not even dare to imagine a few months, a few years prior). At the end of the day, this is my journey, a story that entails my hard work, dedication, success, failure, regrets and growth. Whatever it may be, I want to trust myself, trust those dearest to me and trust this journey I’ve devoted myself into. I am proud of it.

The Power of “I Can.”

Henry Ford once said “If you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right”. This propounds on the notion that nothing is unattainable in life, and with hard work and determination we can ascend to heights unimaginable.

But how many of us has muttered “I can’t”, reminded “I am not good enough” and beaten down time and time again until we give up on the very thing that has built and propelled us in the first place - dreams, goals and hope.

I am a firm believer that humans exist for a reason, millions of years of evolution, competition, out of the entire universe, out of the infinite constellation of planets and stars - we were chosen and given the gift of life and intelligence.

Without living with a purpose, a dream to live for, our existence is made meaningless. I cannot begin to fathom those who live to survive, live to pass time. My point is that at the end of my journey, I want to be able to say “It was a good life and I am content”. We only live once but if you do it well and give all you have...then once is enough.

What do I live for? What is that dream I have that is bigger than myself? Medicine. Without a doubt. But the idea of having another attempt of gamsat has been brought up rather frequently lately from parents, friends...and possibly myself. I would be lying if i said I did not ponder the possibility of an alternative life, the possibility of walking away from this dream I deared and invested so much in. Doubt kills more dream than failure ever will, and like a silent killer in the dark...the words “I can’t” invaded my mind on a daily basis and slowly crumbling the fortress of dream I had built many years ago. Sometimes I ask myself “What is it that others have, that I don’t” and “What is it that I am lacking, what’s the missing link that can take me to the next plane?”. This is perhaps the balance between I can and I cannot.

People always ask me, why do I do what I do, what is it that makes me go through all these pain and yet wake up the next day to do it again. Perhaps It’s alot like the dopamine system of motivation and reward; the very behaviour that drives dopamine release will be reinforced and rewire your brain in such a way that you will do this again the next time. Dopamine depleted animals will no longer desire food but will enjoy it when provided. Perhaps this is the fine balance between hedonism and motivation; liking and wanting.

Lend me the power, strength, determination and will to keep going.

- Until next time.

Why do YOU want to pursue Medicine?

This is a question we would hear time to time, from conversations to medical school application and interviews...Why medicine?

If your answer is “I want to help / save people”, it is probably a wrong answer. It is true that open questions like these have no absolute answer, and in reality the question itself does not demand an answer. What it demands is a sincere searching of the soul, a testament for your passion and determination.

A better way to ask this question would be “Why would you go through so much for medicine?” or “Why endure all these pain to get here?”. The truth is I do not know. Personally I am simply lead onto this path by fate of life, by chance.

Whatever my answer maybe, the “true answer” will not be the one I eventually put down on my application. The application is carefully crafted to deliver a message, with means to sell yourself and this never should and never will be a true reflection of me as a person. I have chosen medicine, but I am not sure if medicine is willing to choose me.

Sometimes I wish I am like a wave, who tirelessly kisses the shoreline no matter how many time it’s sent back. Gamsat is like a giant gate, that keeps away the incompetent. Except this very gate is growing bigger and tighter every passing year. What started off as a small fence is now a barricade, a monstrous gate standing hundreds of meter tall...like a giant that oversees the pitiful mortal life.

Sometimes I question, would I ever conquer this gate, or am I cursed to look-over from the other side...full of envy and regret but could never pass. At this moment in time, applications mean little to me. As if trying to put a forest fire with a cup of milk, plausible effort but embarrassingly futile.

Back in the days I would laugh at those who give up on their dreams and succumb to the grip of reality...forced to “be realistic” and go elsewhere. I would mock those who gives up their dream for a normal job, to fulfill a role and never look back to the road they were once on. I thought...it would be so easy...just keep trying, work really really hard and you will get there right? Just like anything else in life? Don’t people say effort dont lie? I was wrong, I was young and naive.

Last night I had a dream, an unusual one. Instead of the usual repeating nightmare I used to have, that features the same person, the same scenario and the same outcome...this time the plot developed differently. She was happy this time, with her family. Instead of coming back to find me, she just sat there. She told me not to intrude and stay away. Instead the usual amending and history replay, it was something new. And i realized our path has long diverged, and she is not the 18 year old girl that I once knew. For once she is happy...at last. Then I understood something, she has gotten what she has always wanted - a family. Someone else was able to give her the thing I never could, the promises I never fulfilled and the dreams that never came true.

She not so much different from I, for one we are both chasing what we want in life. The only difference being she got there and I did not. She doesn’t seem to have the burden I have from years past. She doesn’t seem to be bothered by ghost of the past. Maybe this is meant to be...I thought to myself. I could never provided her the way she has wished, after all I’m still too young and too immature to comprehend the kind of life she wanted. But if she is the victim, why am I the one who is always running, evading and hiding.

Maybe that’s why I wanted to do medicine. To have a purpose in life, and to not be a loser. Perhaps one day I will also get there, the the place I’ve always dreamed of, and perhaps by then I can finally be happy and tell her: “I too have lived well” and all those mistakes we have made, all the memories we once shared were all stepping stones so we could both get here. Except we are looking at the same sky but standing on different grounds; or standing on the same ground but under different skys...who knows.

I don’t want to be alone, I want to feel important, cared and loved as well. She is probably smiling right now isn’t she...she is probably laughing at me, at how pathetic I have turned out to be. Perhaps she was right when she said “You will never find anyone else like me” and she was correct when she said “without me you will not live fully”...I don’t know. Why pathetic? not in the sense that I am alone but in the sense that I am far from where I want to be. Has this “playing to be doctor’ game gone too far, maybe the child needs to wake up and face reality. Perhaps the dividing line between love and medicine has blurred. Perhaps they are after all the same thing in different times.

But if I do hold on, march forward and keep going...

If do one day get there eventually...after conquering all the demons and relinquish all my downfalls and become a doctor; a better man; a more sensible boyfriend...

if that day does arrive, the day where all hopes are actualized.

Can you tell me once more, that you are proud of me?

A surprising phone call...

It was a little over 10:30pm at night, a surprising but long waited phone called arrived during the lowest moment of 18th May 2018

It was...lets call him Mr. D, a tutor (who is a practicing doctor himself) who has helped me in my process to medicine but more like a friend, a mentor, a guidance that shed light onto this darkened path. What prompted him to do so, was an email I had sent just a few hours ago which detailed ‘my experiences’ and updates on ‘how the exam went’.

I had never expected a simple consumer-provider relationship to transcend into a mentor-student; senior-junior and friend type of relationship. It was his honesty and genuineness that brought me to him, and it was his honesty that kept me as well. Despite the cessation of ‘consumer-provider’ relationship after our classes had ended, he continued to support me through my journey via emails and phone calls and always reminded me to ‘keep in touch and never giver up’. It was truly a life changing experience.

The phone call went as follows:

“I saw your email about the results, I understand your frustration atm.”

“Although I am happy to see your improvement in each section, the magnitude of increase was not as I expected”

“Don’t give up and feel disheartened, from our teaching experiences I can see you are a diligent student who works very hard”

“It feels like you and your friend have traded scores in S3, his mark is what I would expect to see from you because I know your capability”

“It is very shocking to see this score from you, I expected to see a bigger increment, this isn’t your true ability on show...”

“From what I observe, you know alot and know it well so I do not believe your current score is a true reflection of your capabilities”

“I am not just saying these for comfort or trying to get you to pay me, I am simply stating what I observed”

“I believe you have what it takes to do very well, I thought you would be getting in the high 70s and you are capable of doing so”

“Your under performance in S3 could be due to the nervousness and uneasiness going into the exam; you simply worried too much and put too much on the line to the point where stress hindered your performance: where you couldn’t answer some questions you normally could”

“You will surprise yourself with the results if you can manage to calm down and perform as usual, you will see a big jump in mark, i have no doubt about it”.

“I don’t think you need anymore help from me and you would benefit more from revising the notes you took in class and keep practicing, but i think you can do very well”

“Don’t let this be the last time you sit the exam and certainly don’t let this stop you from persuing medicine if you are truly passionate”

“With regards to applying and interview, you must have a winnder’s mindset, regardless of your expected outcome, the moment you submit that application you must start preparing for it and not leave it only until you have an offer...it will simply be too late”

“I have high hopes for you, and I don’t just say this because you are my student, but because what you showed me during our time together - I believe you have what it takes to make it through, just believe in yourself”

“You musn’t think too negatively, it will hinder your performance and stop you from achieving your true potential...learn to calm down and relax, you will learn much more from that”

“Use this time as a lesson to keep improve yourself, sit the September round if you are open to it, as historically the September round play more towards your favour [in different ways].”

“you must have a winner’s mindset, believe you can and you will...think positively”

“Keep in touch, feel free to email or contact me with helps in interview and portfolio writing, I can point you to the correct resources; and let me know how you go in your future journeys, I look forward hearing from you”

“I believe in you, you can do very well and make it into medicine, I have high hope for you and I know you can do it”

This last sentence, or rather a combination of different phrases from that phone call meant so much for me. Coming from a third party, unbiased but yet experienced mentor who sees thousands of students - this means the world for me. These words carry the power of belief and trust, which defies all that I see in my self - a failure. But how can such wise mind place such heavy trust in someone like me. Not only does it confirm my worthiness, It encourages me to be better, to not give up and fight again! How dare I let down such trust and say the words “I can’t” or “I am not good enough”. How could I give up on myself when there are so many who still believes me.

I cannot repay such trust and selfless guidance...I can only do better to make sure I do not let down this hopes a second time.

After a whole night of decisions and talks...I had decided, despite the minute chance and unlikely probability, I will send in my application. This may not work out in my favour but there is nothing to lose and everything to gain...at the minimum an invaluable experience and lesson to be learned for future.

Thank you Mr. D for placing your faith in someone so insignificant as I. Like I said, this will not be the end of my journey....

...and I hope to one day see you on the other side.

Like always, stay strong and keep fighting.

Until next time...To be continue

Results Day

When we were small we believe we can do absolutely anything and be anyone: we have that little fire inside us that is eager to ‘do’. Back then we truly believe we can save the world and become the hero the world needed, like those we see in movies and comics.

As we grow older, we are challenged by the insurmountable beast, he wears many disguises and comes in many shapes; this beast creeps into our little world and tears up our dream, passion - many people call him: reality

We were always told to be real, to set our foot on the ground and never...i mean never attempt to run or fly before we master the art of crawling. So we do as told, we crawl. We were taught to face the reality, to know the limits and know when to stop - how many of us have been confronted by friends, family and society when we say we want to be ____ (insert your dream), but only to be shut off and told we are simply not good enough, and to stop that fantasy and stick to the real world.

Just as we have learned we cannot become superman, and Santa don’t exist; just as we slowly adapted to the way of adults and society...just as we thought everything is now over. It comes back. I have never stopped believing I can be whatever I want to be, as long as I put my heart and mind into it. But as of today, that pristine dream of mine; the little hope we all possessed as children; have been shattered to pieces, beaten into a pulp and taken a backseat to reality.

Gamsat results came down like a thunder-breaker. Those deeply imprinted black and white came in like a pair of serrated knife going straight for the lethal points. For once again I am reminded I am nothing but a failure, a disappointment who saw too highly of oneself. No...I did not perform terribly and I did improve from previous sitting...and Yes, I studied, worked and gave it my all.

My path to medicine seem obscured, what used to be smooth road is now a jagged mountain range filled with thorny vines and deadly traps - each harder and the previous, seemingly to stop me from progressing any further.

“You are not good enough; and you never will be” they say.

Months of effort only translated to minor improvements, this pain of failure and not being where I wanted to be greatly exceeds the pain of hard work and investment. Exams of this nature really takes a toll on your body and heart; every stretch is a journey in itself, but the closer we get the tighter the door seem to be. As excitement turns to fear and fear morphs into doubt, we start to question whether we have what it takes, whether we ever will or stuck trying and end up with a will never. Poetic but true.

I do not know if I have what it takes to go through the pain, struggle once again. For this journey itself surpasses anything I have faced before. Every attempt comes with the risk of failure; whether it is the test itself, the application process, or the interview - every potential rejection yells “Stop trying, you are a failure”

Like Kobe Bryant says:

- This season is all I have left to give, my heart can take another pounding, mind mind can handle the grind but my body knows it’s time to say goodbye.

I am not sure if this is all I have left to give, for my heart had taken enough pounding and my mine enough rejection. The theoretical goodbye will for now remain a distant thought.

Isn’t it ironic the closer I get to the destination, the further I am from my goal. Her e I make the distinction between destination and goal, because they are inherently different things.

Bruce Lee once said, ‘It is never defeat, unless you accept’; only when you stop trying and tell yourself it is the end will it be a true defeat. I hope I will not need to come to this last step; I do not wish to come thus far to only ‘call it a day’ and move on...No..not yet. But the more I deny, the closer this ‘beast’ seem to get..

- To be continued soon...

Until next time.

Ghost of the Past.

What have I become? Much has changed since four years ago, once a boy, now a man. It is not merely the biological change that is important, sure I’ve grown taller and bigger - but in reality, it is the mental change that truly affects you as a person. If the ‘me’ from four years ago met the ‘I’ from present day, I would not be able to recognize myself. ‘Why...why did you do these?’ the teenage me would ask in great confusion.

What is the result when the dream of medicine clashes with the ghost of the past, yet challenged by demands of the present?

I am not sure if I can answer this. At least...not yet.

It all felt like a bad dream, a hallucination that never existed; as if the ‘me’ from before was never truly - me. I had a beautiful relationship, and this statement would aggravate many, prompting this to be nothing but a fallacy - that I have failed to see its detrimental effects. But regardless of its status, it has made the person I am today. Perhaps, the entire dream of Medicine, was birthed from this encounter.

That relationship was my first step of being inducted into the adult world, with experiences that were so new and fascinating to my teenage self. I had a loving partner who loved in a way that was unique to her. Ironically, despite all that had happened, I could only recall the good, never the bad - a reverse PTSD ordeal. Perhaps as a teenager, without much of the worries of real world, we were able to focus on just one thing - to love. We learned to love wholly, wildly and without constraint: almost drama like in my perspective. Out of the six years we have been together, five of those were the best years of my life. Thinking retrospectively, it was almost like a fantasy, a dream - where every encounter unfolded in such a perfect manner, as if all your wishes and fantasies were answered and quenched for. Those were the past that I couldn’t walk away from. Those were the time that had anchored part of me, stuck in time.

I miss that.

The downfall of my relationship came in the middle of 2015. World collapsed, life disrupted and mind distorted. Life came crashing down like a derailed train moving at top speed, seeking to take everything away. With all my values shattered, it was instinctual to grip on the next closest thing - something I could grab hold of and regain a sense of self. It was from that moment on, a work-holic self was born; who believed nothing but it - for work is certain and results are certain, it would never betray and leave, everything was in control. At least for now.

Trauma changes people.

Perhaps it was the necessary trauma, a necessary catalyst to begin this whole journey. The motive needed to awaken the dream that has long been buried. After walking away from those I loved, I looked towards academia for self-reassurance, for confidence, and for an identity. I feel invincible while I am there. It was ironically my first step towards Medicine, despite not being aware of it at that time, but it has undoubtedly planned seeds deep in the unconscious, that was later sprout to become something big.

The point is, too many things had changed. There was always two sides of me, one I left behind in 2015, and the other I carried forward to present day. The splitting of self was the culmination of many thoughts and evaluation. Most things I wished for in the past, I now have...and the one thing I had in past, I now miss. Sure, academia is my sole identity right now, and I am nothing without it; but I want more than just that, it is all but a shell that pads the outside but the inside remains empty. That part of me will be forever petrified by time itself, and exist in a time that I will be never be able to go back to. I have grown so distant and so different from it, it is becoming increasingly difficult to even relate to it and say...’yeah, that was me’. Perhaps I miss the relationship i use to have, and the ‘me’ in THAT relationship. Or maybe it is the resentment of the present that ha lead to the reminiscence of the past, and this juxtaposition of bitterness and sweetness is truly what accentuates the present day void that is currently consuming me.

I just hope someday in the future, I could look back and say everything was well worth it. I would like to believe that Medicine will pay dividends to all the pain and suffering, not financially but emotionally. No...this is not the entire reason of why Medicine came into my world, or rather why I came into the world of medicine. It is however, the initial spark that had lead to the flame that is today. All of these could be the reflection of loneliness, in a journey that could only be walked by yourself; people shed influences and leave marks but YOU have to finish the journey yourself, on both feet.

Until next time. Keep going and never give up.

Without a doubt, “you” are all I dream bout - Anonymous

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

My Journey to MD