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@journeyofwill
Your insight into human nature is profound and I appreciate that you choose to share your knowledge in your blogs. I'm sending happy vibes your way and hoping that a wonderful, intelligent California sub has realized what a gem you are, and that you're no longer single :)
Aw, thanks so much for the kudos! It’s great to know my writing makes a difference. The best way to thank me is to reblog :-)
BDSM: Things You Need to Know
P.S. I’m currently single.
I love reading your blog and have a somewhat long and personal question to ask, is there a way to send it that won't be publicly published?
Certainly! You can contact me on Fetlife, or email to thejourneyofwill on gmail.
I'm just doing my research before I get too involved, but this lifestyle has always been intriguing to me. I've met someone who I've come to care for deeply but he's asked me to be his sub. I'm just curious on how this works. What's held me back for the longest time was whether or not I'd have a hard time emotionally differentiating playtime vs every other time. Will he see me as his equal when we're not playing or will I always bee seen as his sub?
How a kinky relationship unfolds outside the bedroom is up to the partners; there is no single correct approach (see BDSM Relationship Variations). In order to construct a mutually fulfilling relationship, you need speak openly and often with each other (see On Communication Within a Dom/Sub Partnership).
I've been in a LTR for 3 years with a wonderful guy. Although we have a great relationship generally, I'm a sub in the bedroom & he is a pretty vanilla sex partner, who has expressed some interest in BDSM. The issue is not just that he may not be 100% committed to being dominant in the bedroom, but also that I am a very dominant person in "real life." How can I encourage him to explore bdsm? And how can I learn to give up control when I may be the more dominant one in the relationship otherwise?
Your first step is to start talking about it! See On Communication Within a Dom/Sub Partnership. And then assuming he’s into developing those roles with you, see Discovering, Embracing, Revealing the Self.
As for giving up control, it’s perhaps more of a hand-over; he has to want the responsibility you’re releasing. You could devise an exercise or ritual where you specifically ask him to lead, and he asks you to follow, and then you still your impulses and simply do as asked until either of you calls time.
is there a word in the bdsm community for a relationship in which the sub is bigger/stronger/more animalistic than the dom but the dom has "tamed" them and controls them? It seems like I'm the only person who has this fantasy so I feel weird about it
Owner & pet are a common variation on dom & sub roles, and I’ve chatted with folks who identify as sexually “primal” — maybe your vision could be called “primal pet for skilled tamer/owner”. It doesn’t sound weird to me; seems like there’s a lot to work with there! :-) See also BDSM Relationship Variations.
The BDSM Scene Is Not Everyone's Kink
From my blog, BDSM: Things You Need to Know. Why the BDSM scene is not for the average kinkster. Excerpt:
It was a great disappointment to me to discover that the “BDSM scene”—or publicly accessible BDSM community—is not representative of the average kinky person. In addition to celebrating the kinks of consensual bondage, sadomasochism, and dominance & submission, the scene also emphasizes polyamory (maintaining multiple kinky relationships) and public play (exhibiting your kinks in a semi-public venue). While there’s nothing all that strange about the latter two, they have nothing to do with BDSM per se. And the portion of the population which is inspired by BDSM and polyamory and exhibitionism is, well, vanishingly small.
Some scene members will insist that the scene is the best way, or the only safe way, to get involved in BDSM. This isn’t the case at all. Indeed, the vast majority of folks who experiment with or adopt kinky sexuality do so in private and one-on-one.
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So I'm a youngster but Bdsm intrigues me a lot. What should I know about it and do you think it's safe for me to do? Btw im in high school
Well for starters, here is a blog full of Things You Need to Know About BDSM. As for whether it’s safe for you, only you can be the judge of that, but many, many people do some very kinky things safely! As you’re just setting out on your journey, know that you have to find, connect, and get to know possible kink partners using your real-world persona, not your sub or dom side.
Assuaging a Sub's Fear of Abandonment
From my blog, BDSM: Things You Need to Know. Submissive partners often harbor fears of abandonment, which are the more frightening given the intimacy of D/s. Excerpt:
A few days ago, a reader sent me this touching request:
My little girl depends on me for a great deal, which I know is normal. But often she expresses that she is terrified if I were to ever leave her (she sees that other doms leave their subs). She says that her life would fall apart, and she couldn’t survive without me. I have no intention of leaving but her thoughts really concern me. Any advice?
Couples which identify themselves as master/slave, daddy/girl, owner/property, or even simply monogamous dom/sub, tend to be expressing an intent to create their own world together, instead of a merely open border between separate lands. … Yet doing so presents the possibility that such a world might crumble, casting its denizens into cold, black space. What then, can one do to allay the fear of such a disaster, or at least make its aftermath survivable?
Assuming a healthy relationship, the most common reason to fear losing one’s partner has nothing to do with the partnership, it has to do with the past. Many people, men and women, vanilla and kinky, have abandonment fears, due to previous experiences with parents, close friends, or lovers. Abandonment issues that form in childhood due to neglectful parenting are particularly tenacious. Painful experiences at that age create lasting impressions about how the world treats you. So there may be no quick way to quiet internal voices warning of impending loss. But it is often healing to identify sources of grief from your history, and tell one’s partner about how they formed. Recounting such stories from your life is bonding, and when a story taps into a well of pent-up grief, it’s cathartic. …
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Hi, I really want to be a submissive, I've tried to talk to my boyfriend about BDSM relationships and every time I even hint at the thought of us doing that he gets really annoyed and talks about how it isn't right, we've been going out for a few months, I really like him and we have so much in common but it seems that sexually there is barely any pleasure for me now. He wants missionary while I want rope you know? should I break it off?
This is a question that I’ve heard pretty often, so I addressed it in this article: Why Doms & Subs Should Not Date Vanilla People.
How do I explain to my boyfriend what bdsm is? He doesn't really understand it and I don't know how to explain it.
Refer him to my article BDSM Relationship Variations. Or tell him that it’s sexualized punishment and/or power between consensual partners. Or you could say it’s any mix of:
Bondage, Banging, Bashing (e.g. spanking), and Bossing-around :-)
So I've been reading about BDSM for a few years now (as a minor I am not going to try it out until I'm 18) but I was just wondering if it's what it's like in stories where the people will meet at a club or something and negotiate a contract for how long and what kind of stuff is okay to do? Idk it sounds weird but I'm legitimately curious. I just want to know if that whole contract thing exists, and if so, how does it work?
BDSM contracts are occasionally written down by a dom and sub in an ongoing relationship. They’re more a communication tool than anything else. See On Communication Within a Dom/Sub Partnership.
People who enjoy BDSM at “play parties”, which happen at kink clubs and private spaces, often negotiate “scenes”, or play sessions, by discussing their needs and limits before commencing play. Such a conversation doesn’t usually result in a written agreement, however.
After a really unsafe BDSM relationship, I want to thank you for all the effort you go through to post links and resources. You are saving so much hurt and preventing unspeakable amounts of fear. Thank you so much.
I’m glad to be of service! Btw, the links are almost all to my original writing on D/s, at a blog called
BDSM: Things You Need to Know
To fans of my blog, BDSM: Things You Need to Know, feel free to
friend me on Fetlife!
Essential Rights for a Submissive Partner
From my blog, BDSM: Things You Need to Know. A submissive partner has essential rights in lifestyle D/s or master/slave relationships. Excerpt:
The Right to Health. The sub must not come to lasting, much less permanent, harm, in a physical or psychological or social sense. By “social harm” I mean damage to the person’s reputation with family, friends, or colleagues …
The Right to Language. The sub must regularly have the chance to be heard and understood by her dom. It needn’t be a license to speak whenever and however the mood strikes …
The Right to Leave. The sub must, indeed, be allowed to leave the relationship, and without notice if she feels threatened. This could also be called The Right to Choose a Dom …
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The Dangers of Dom/Sub Gravity
From my blog, BDSM: Things You Need to Know. A phenomenon I call D/s Gravity pulls together a dom and sub who’ve just met. Excerpt:
A dom friend of mine once described one of his first D/s relationships: After meeting, he and this sub fell promptly into master and slave roles, and disappeared into her apartment in Manhattan, sustaining their kinky dynamic around the clock. After a few weeks (neither had a 9-5 job) they somehow surfaced back to their respective vanilla modes, and promptly discovered that they had nothing in common! There the relationship ended, as abruptly as it began.
Just because you have kinky click with someone doesn’t mean they’re a match for you in any other way. And you absolutely need general chemistry and compatibility to sustain a relationship. It’s therefore essential that you verify these before you get kinky with a stranger! OK, that seems obvious reading it here, but it won’t be when you meet some attractive devil who proposes to sink his pearly-white teeth into you, or the other way round.
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Reblogs appreciated! To include everything, select “reblog as… text” from the [& v] menu.
On Communication Within a Dom/Sub Partnership
From my blog, BDSM: Things You Need to Know. Open communication is one of the essential issues in a kinky relationship. These are tips and tools for clear, ongoing communication. Excerpt:
Learn what inhibits you from engaging.
Be up-front about yourself.
Don't expect your partner to read your mind.
Express your curiosity.
Volunteer your thoughts and feelings.
Share a balanced banquet.
Learn to interpret your partner's words correctly.
Learn to read your partner.
Understand your emotional vulnerabilities.
Speak every day.
Text- or instant-message.
Keep a journal.
Post to an anonymous blog.
Write a "contract".
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Reblogs appreciated! To include everything, select “reblog as… text” from the [& v] menu.
New to all world. Would it be possible to email?
I’m happy to answer reader questions in private. You can message me on Fetlife, write thejourneyofwill on gmail, or ask on Tumblr (if you remain Anonymous, I can only answer by posting).
Before writing, please look over the table of contents on my main blog for topics I’ve already addressed: BDSM: Things You Need to Know.