Journey to Mamahood

Documenting my IVF journey 

[journeytomamahood]

Hi all! First off I just wanted to say how blessed and thankful I am that a bunch of you wonderful and supportive ladies have decided to follow me on this amazing and unpredictiable journey to mamahood. 100 followers is huge and I am so grateful for the time you spend listening to me blab on lol aka reading my endless posts of jibberish haha. But seriously, thank you all for following along on what is seeming to be a unique journey. I really, really do appreciate the support and love. ❤❤❤ In other news, Aunt Flo has decided to make her arrival. And she's not a happy camper. I don't know if the PIO shots contributed to it being heavier than usual...but damn. She's angry lol. 😣😫 The upside, of course, is that this is the indicator of starting our FET cycle. 😊 Commence Estrogen patches in 5, 4, 3, 2... GO! 😉👍🏼👍🏼 . . #ivf #ivfjourney #ivfsupport #ivfcommunity #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcsupport #infertility #infertilitysucks #ivfsisters #ttcsisters

[journeytomamahood]

Gosh I'm so bad at this. I guess when the going gets tough, I go MIA? Sigh. It's just that when things start to look grim, it gets hard for me to want to talk (type) about everything until I have some sense of certainty on where things are going. I can totally hear the IVF gods (is there such a thing? Hah) laughing at that very statement because in IVF there is no certainty lol. But anyway... here goes. 1 week ago was my retrieval. We were rooting for lucky number 7 since there were 7 follicles. That was already a disappointing number to begin with since I had 33 antrals at baseline, but we proceeded since this cycle was still doing leaps and bounds better than last. At the time of retrieval, only 5 follicles had eggs. Come to find out the next morning that only 1 egg was mature and did not fertilize. I was heartbroken. However when they checked my lone mature egg for fertilization they discovered that 3 of the remaining 4 reached maturity. So they proceeded to do "rescue fertilization/rescue ICSI" on those 3. So there was hope! My Dr. informed me that usually "rescued" embryos don't fare as well as ones that may have been fertilized directly after retrieval but he assured me we were still in the game and that there was still hope. So the following AM I got a call, and only 1 of the 3 had fertilized. I was devastated... but a weird kind of hopeful devastation if that makes sense. It just felt like my already low numbers/poor results were just dwindling and dwindling but I still tried to keep the faith. All I could do at this point was hope that we had a little fighter embaby doing it's thing. And so came the days of worry and watching my phone like a mad woman waiting for these updates. On Saturdays update we were at a 4-cell day 2 embryo. Sunday no update. By Monday we reached morula stage. I was cautiously optimistic. Then, yesterday, our one little fighter became a blastocyst! I was so happy. The embryologist rated the blast good and viable enough for a freeze since my Dr. wants to do a FET cycle to better time my uterine lining with the embryo since the embryo was a late bloomer and therefore my lining is ahead of the embryo. (Continued in comments...) (at Naval Medical Center San Diego (NMCSD))

journeytomamahood: In the meantime I got to sample the joy that is PIO shots. Damn those are a pain in the ass, quite literally lol. Any tips for surviving those? Cuz I only did 5 days worth and my ass is sore as heck lol. It's not really the needle that bothered me so much. I mean, an inch and a half needle in your ass is no picnic but at least that's the quick part. It's the soreness afterwards that's a bitch lol. Well, at least I get a little break from injections now as I patiently wait for good ol' aunt flo. Then it's back to estrogen patches and progesterone haha. Yippee! Anyway, I feel so blessed that we have at least 1 little embaby from all of this. I will be honest though, I am a little disappointed with the results and still super worried since our embryo was created using rescue fertilization (anyone have any experience with this??) and that we only have one. There's so much uncertainty and so much fall-off in respect to numbers with IVF that it's hard to remain positive when things have been kinda disappointing from the get go. I just feel like all my hopes and dreams are with this one little frostie and it honestly scares me. My cautious optimism will probably continue even though I will try my hardest to push it to the back of my mind and just focus on the blessing of having one embaby waiting for us. All it takes is one, right? Hoping and praying! 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼🍀🍀🍀🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼 journeytomamahood: Ohh... and my hubby surprised me with this cutest little floppy elephant and a beautiful card after the egg retrieval. He's such a sweetie. I keep it next to our bed now as a gentle reminder/beacon of hope for one day gifting it to our little blessing. #eggretrieval #ivf #ivfjourney #ivfsupport #ivfcommunity #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcsupport #infertility #infertilitysucks #ivfsisters #ttcsisters

[journeytomamahood]

Wow... I can't believe I haven't posted in the past 9 days while stimming. 😮 Maybe it's because, after the cancellation and the strange outcome last time, I didn't want to place any added pressure on the situation? Or maybe I've just been keeping hella busy. Either way, I can't believe I'm actually here! About 45 minutes ago I just pulled the trigger! Ahhhhhhh!!! I'm shocked really, and extremely excited and thankful, but mostly shocked lol. I won't go into the lengthy details, but there's definitely been a bunch of emotional ups and downs in the past 9 days of getting to this point. It's looking like we only have 7 follicles to retrieve... which was a kind of disappointing number since I had 33 antral follicles at baseline. Again the docs thought I would respond better, but didn't. I've got 6 big follies on the right, and only 1 on my apparently lazy left ovary. Anyway I'm not trying to dwell on the negative in the slightest... just simply updating what has happened along the way. I feel incredibly thankful and blessed that I even responded to the meds at all given last time's response... and I feel super blessed to even be at this point!!! I'm thrilled, yet trying to keep a level head knowing that we're not at the finish line yet lol. I'm just hoping that we get enough mature eggs to have a beautiful little embaby to implant and some to freeze. It is ironic though that the number 7 has always been a meaningful number for me and my hubs. C'mon lucky number 7!!! 🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚 . So egg retrieval is set for Wednesday at Noon. Wish me luck!!! 🍀🤞🏼🤞🏼❤❤❤ . . #ovidrel #triggershot #ivf #ivfjourney #ivfsupport #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcsupport #infertility #infertilitysucks

[journeytomamahood]

Damn these meds be hittin me hard this time around. It's like PMS to the 100th degree... 😩 ... and it's only been a few days. I needs ta chill. 😣😭💉 #mood #ivfmeds #ivf #ivfjourney #ivfsupport #ivfcommunity #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcsupport #infertility #infertilitysucks

[journeytomamahood]

Locked & loaded. 💉💉 👍🏼 . . I forgot how much Menopur stings. Ouchie. 🙈 #menopur #lupron #ivfmeds #ivf #ivfjourney #ivfsupport #ivfcommunity #ttc #ttcsupport #ttccommunity #infertility #infertilitysucks

[journeytomamahood]

And so it begins! It's a little needle though... and it wasn't bad at all. 👍🏼😊 Lupron regimen has begun! Gonadatrophins begin on Saturday. Then it will be 4 injections per day... yikes 😣💉💉💉💉🙈. Lupron and Menopur in the AM and Lupron and Gonal F in the PM. We're not taking it easy this time around! No sir. 🙈🙈🙈 #needles #needleanxiety #ivf #ivfjourney #ivfsupport #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcsupport #infertility #infertilitysucks

[journeytomamahood]

So yesterday's baseline ultrasound went fabulously! 👍🏼👍🏼I admit I was kinda nervous that there would be a cyst or something since we didn't do BC this time around and instead used estrogen patches, but everything looked excellent. The patches did their job because there were no cysts at all!! I was so happy. Last time I had a small one on my left ovary but the Dr. didn't think it was significant enough to prevent moving forward. I wonder if that had anything to do with my poor response last time? Either way, this time around everything looks great! I have a bunch of antral follicles, 18 on the left and 15 on the right, that we can hopefully stimulate and get good results this go round! Picked up my meds yesterday after getting the green light from my baseline appointment. This time we are starting with microdose Lupron to hopefully get thing moving along better. Starting my Lupron tomorrow AM! Excited and nervous all at the same time! ☺🙃👍🏼🤞🏼 . . #ivf #ivfjourney #ivfsupport #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcsupport #infertility #infertilitysucks

[journeytomamahood]

So Vegas was actually pretty darn good to us. 👍🏼 It feels amazing to have actually left Vegas with some winnings for once, hahaha. 😊😉💰🎰🎉 We actually had a really good time. But I had to wear these lovely patches while I was there though... and let me tell you, these transparent film dressings were a life saver!!! When we first got to Vegas it was pretty warm (it cooled down drastically by the end of our trip though) and I got a little "clamy" to say the least, lol. The minivelle patches just did not want to stay in place... so we ended up taking a walk to one of the Walgreens on the strip and picked these up. Since using these transparent dressings over the patches, they have been staying put! The patches even survived nights of drinking and dancing in multiple nightclubs thanks to these babies! If any of you ladies have trouble with getting the estrogen patches to stick, definitely give these a shot! The actual name of it is called Tegaderm and Nexcare is the name brand but the Walgreens on the strip jacks up the prices of everything of course lol, so I bought the generic and they work great, even in the shower. 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼 Definitely a #musthave for ladies who have trouble with these patches like myself. #minivelle #estrogenpatches #ivf #ivfjourney #ivfsupport #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcsupport #infertility #infertilitysucks

[journeytomamahood]

When Negan brings Lucille to whack the crap out of your uterus two days before your vacation with the hubs 😩🤦🏻😭😭😭 ... #alltheperiodmemes #fuuuccckkkkk . So we've been just livin', passing the time until our next IVF round this month. We decided to take a trip to Las Vegas during this downtime to destress since I got offered a 3 night free stay. Who can pass that up, right? 👍🏼 Plus me and my hubby are both May babies and this weekend is between both of our birthdays so we were just considering this trip our combined bday celebration. 🎉 The crappy part is that my damn period was supposed to come on the 11th (on my birthday, how fun lol) but it was gonna work out because we get back home on the 8th. But noooo... Aunt Flo decided to rear her ugly head 9 days early, and two days before our trip nonetheless! Ugh lol. Fakkkkk! And now, since I'm priming with estrogen patches this time around, I have the added task of attempting to keep these patches on while dancing all night in a sweaty nightclub lol. Plus one word... bloat. Fun times when wearing cocktail dresses. Oyyy. And I had big plans for skimpy lingerie and plenty of sexy time during this trip, lol. I'm sure my minivelle patches and period underwear will look great with my lingerie 👌🏼 lmao. The positive side is that this is the indicator of the start of IVF round two! But couldn't she just wait a few days? Dammit Flo! . Well, Vegas here we come! And Cinco de Mayo in Vegas should be a blast. Pray we hit it big!!! 🤞🏼😁🎰💰♠♥♦♣ . #auntflo #ivf #ivfjourney #ivfsupport #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcsupport #infertility #infertilitysucks

[journeytomamahood]

(Post 2 of 2) . So my RE reassured me that we are going to try this again, with a different protocol which will include skipping BC pills (which could have overly suppressed me) and instead using estrogen patches starting on my next period, and adding Lupron to the mix of medications. They will also be starting me on higher doses of the gonadotropins and monitor me super closely for overstimulation. So I'm of course very happy to know there is still hope for this to work. . . Because I'm doing IVF through the Navy Hospital and the infertility clinic here is available to Navy couples due to special funding at the hospital, a huge part of our cost is covered (So blessed and thankful for this). However, with that comes the waiting game. I was on a wait list for a long time to even begin my first cycle so I of course was worried I'd have to wait again. My Dr. was trying to fit me in for a June or July cycle but I had to wait to hear from the IVF coordinator this week. Thankfully some of my worries were eased today when the IVF coordinator called! They can fit me in for a May 31st egg retrieval! So when she told me that I of course jumped on it, lol. They had to verify with the Dr. to make sure it would be okay to continue without taking a break between cycles but he thinks it should be fine. So we are on for a May cycle! I am so relieved I don't have to wait in suspense until June or worse July. . . So, whilst I anxiously wait for AF to arrive, my focus will now be to try my best not to stress (and not think about my dropping estradiol numbers), focus on healthy choices, and maybe take a brief getaway with the hubs to destress and reset. If we can swing it financially, I think we could totally use a little trip. 👍🏼 AF should arrive around the 10th (ish) and baseline is scheduled for May 16th. Here's hoping (again)! 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼 . . #ivf #ivfjourney #ivfsupport #infertility #infertilitysucks #ttc #ttcsupport #ttccommunity

[journeytomamahood]

(Post 1 of 2) . So I've been MIA again... 😕 (my apologies 🙁) . On Saturday my IVF cycle was cancelled 😔. I've been totally bummed out since then. I think I just needed some time to process things. . So Saturday morning I had blood work before my AM injection. I then had an ultrasound at 12:30. When my RE came into the room to do the U/S I could already tell he wasn't too hopeful. The U/S showed only 3 developing follicles, 2 on the right and 1 on the left, all of which were only approximately 8 mm. He finished the procedure and allowed me to get dressed and told me to meet him in his office. As I was putting my pants back on I was already prepping myself for the bad news. Once I got into his office he explained that I would be pretty much "selling myself short" to go ahead with only 3 follicles. He believes I have greater potential to develop more eggs. He also told me that, being that the follicles were only about 8 mm and I was already on day 8 of stims (he said that stimming doesn't usually go past 13 days), there was no guarantee that even if I continued stims that they would develop to maturity by the tentative retrieval date... which was supposed to be tomorrow, 4/19. He thinks if we start over we will have better results next time. Which is totally fine with me, and I think it is ultimately the best decision. . The thing that's got me so messed up over all of this is not starting over, but the fact that my estradiol number went down, twice! On Mon 4/10 it was 83, on Wed 4/12 it dropped to 43 (wth!), and on Fri 4/14 it rose to 244. Moving in the right direction, right? But then Saturday morning it dropped again from 244 to 242. I know it's only 2 points but it should have been rising, not dropping! Both RE's at the clinic have told me they've never seen an E2 number go down. They of course have seen low numbers, but not decreasing numbers. This is what has got me so worried. I'm worried that there may be something essentially wrong with me, worse than the PCOS. The Dr. said he was "shocked" because all of my numbers were great and isn't sure why I responded this way. Both RE's thought I would respond very well and very quickly. (Cont. on next post)

[journeytomamahood]

First off I wanted to say thank you all for the support and that #ivfsisters are the best. We know the struggle first hand and the #ttccommunity support is just the greatest. I love following all your journeys and it's great feeling like we're not alone! Happy Easter to all of you and plenty of eggs and baby dust to all!! 🐰🐣😘😘😘 . So I feel incredibly relieved! I just got amazing news!!! I was MIA yesterday because the more I looked up what my estradiol levels should be looking like, the more down I felt. Yesterday was not a good day. I finally decided to put the iPad down and take a break. I was really trying my hardest not to stress but it was tough. Anyway, cut to today, and I just got the call from the Dr. with the results of today's morning blood work and further instructions. My estradiol is rising!!! He said it rose 6 fold from Wednesday which is excellent but we still need to see more progress. It was at 244 this AM. I was so relieved to hear that these shots are actually working! Yesterday I was thinking the worst... especially since Doc said he'd never seen an estradiol number go DOWN. I was thinking that my body was just not responding to the meds and feeling like all hope was lost and that pumping myself up with all these meds was in vain. I prayed so hard last night that I would hear some Good Friday news and that my number would at least be over 100. Praise God that it was even better than that! I am in no way in the clear just yet and the Dr. wants to monitor me very closely now to see how it continues to rise. Tonight's instructions are 225 units Gonal F and then another AM blood work tomorrow before my vial of Menopur and then I see the doctor for an ultrasound at 12:30. Hopefully we will see a bunch of developing follies in the making! Praying for Easter blessings!!! 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼 . . #ivf #ivfjourney #ivfsupport #infertility #infertilitysucks #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcsupport

[journeytomamahood]

AM blood work done. Praying for better results today. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼 . . #ivf #ivfjourney #ivfsupport #infertility #infertilitysucks #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcsupport (at Naval Medical Center San Diego (NMCSD))

[journeytomamahood]

So today I didn't get the greatest news. Doc said my Monday blood work (day 3 AM prior to AM shot) was "not where he hoped it would be". Cut to today (day 5 AM blood work) and my dr. being completely shocked. So my Monday estradiol level was at 83. Ok... not the best but still hopeful. Today's went DOWN to 43! 😳 I was like..."whatttt?!!!?!" How could that possibly be with all of the injections I'm pumping myself up with?! My doctor said he's never seen that before. He even went over all my injections with me to make sure I'm dosing properly and when/which meds. I'm in shock. Like... how is that even possible?! And I was cramping and sore yesterday too so I totally thought the meds were working! So much for my high AMH. And we were worried about OHSS... hah! 😭 Needless to say, he upped my meds. #ivfsisters Has anyone else had this happen? So we didn't discuss scenarios, but I'm doing another blood draw on Friday AM and he said he will probably want to see me to do a sonogram during the weekend to see what's going on with my ovaries. I'm thinking that the worst case scenario would be that we may need to cancel my cycle if my estradiol levels don't surge by Friday... 😔. Another scenario may be pushing back my egg retrieval a couple days if my ovaries do start responding slowly. Not sure. Egg retrieval is supposed to be next week Wednesday 4/19 so we shall see. I guess I just want to wait and see what happens Friday rather than bug the dr. and/or stress myself out further. Less stress is best! I'm trying to stay hopeful. I mean, this is only my first round of IVF. A lot of times it's trial and error the first go round, right? (That's me trying to convince myself, lol). ..... I'm trying not to jump to conclusions or think of worst case scenarios but it's hard for me not to go there. I need to put it in God's hands. It's in His hands. Right? Right! .... (there I go convincing myself again...) Sigh 😔. Pray for me please. And if prayer is not your thing, then send good vibes out into the universe! Or sprinkle baby dust. Or buy me a pineapple. Whatever works, I need it! Lol 😆 #anxiety #anxietysucks . . . #ivf #ivfjourney #ivfsupport #infertility #infertilitysucks

[journeytomamahood]

This is the text from my first post. I had to delete it to maintain my anonymity. It had a picture of me and the hubs. I'm not really trying to be found by peeps that I know personally on here. It's not that I don't want them to know what's going on per se... I just don't want the countless questions, having to explain myself, the assumptions, the "two cents" and/or unwarranted suggestions, the criticism, the negative feedback, and the judgment that may accompany me sharing my journey with some people that I know personally. Don't get me wrong... I love them and when the time is right, I will share what I feel is appropriate. I also know that a lot of the time people have the best of intentions, I may just be the one taking it wrong. It's just that after nearly 9 years of being married, I guess I've had enough questions in the baby department. I also guess I just don't want everyone knowing every single detail. I do share some information with the people who I know will be supportive, but not every single person on my facebook/instagram feed needs to know about me needing to stimulate my ovaries... lol! 😂🙈 And I also wanted a safe space to share my journey, a place to communicate with other #ivfsisters, and a place to document my journey for my own personal reference. So... yeah. #rantover haha I'm about to be real incognito on here. 👍🏼 #ivf #ivfjourney #ivfsupport #infertility #infertilitysucks #nojudgement #safespace

[journeytomamahood]

Frozen goods!!! 😆❄❄❄ . . So today we had arranged to transfer one of my hubby's frozen vials from the sperm bank to San Diego Fertility Center. They will be growing the embryos at SDFC after egg retrieval at the Navy med center, which should be next week Wednesday if all goes according to plan! 🤞🏼 We transferred our best vial. We have a total of 5. It felt like we were transporting such precious material since these 5 vials are our only hope of having our own biological children. Cue Gollum from Lord of the Rings... "my precious...!!!"... hah. It's really no laughing matter, but you gotta try to make light of situations, right? 👍🏼 Either way, our best swimmers are now in the hands of the clinic! Woo!!! How exciting! 😉🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼 . #ivf #ivfjourney #ivfsupport #infertility #infertilitysucks #spermies #swimmers #sandiegofertilitycenter (at San Diego, California)

[journeytomamahood]

So this little girl turned two today! 😁😊❤🐱🎉🎉🎉🎈🎁 #catalina #hbd #twoyearsold #catmama #mylittlelove #crazycatlady #represent ✊🏼