Self reflection 01/03/21 to 02/24/21
I miss his snoring when we called to fall asleep together
Good morning baby bear. I hope you have a good day at work today.
I love your intelligence and how you chose interesting movies. I miss intelligent conversation with you.
I want to understand you and support you. I always have wanted that and thru out the years of knowing eachother fought to make it a reality.
You are not wasting my time. You are a valuable person in my life
You love felt like a warm fire, the soft crackling and warmth of a fire. It felt like a safe place and hug. Not infatuation...that usually felt like floating.
I miss watching movies on discord with you. Despite how difficult it was to navigate...
I understand how frustrating technological issues were. And I appreciate you making it work every time
I really wanted to get high and have sex with you. I miss tying you up and teasing you. Digging my nails into your skin (despite you not liking it) and I miss your back, hands, beard, and thighs. I miss how large and strong everything was about you. And maluable. I miss giving you blow jobs and french kissing you. (Despite the shame and guilt I feel due to religious trauma) The fact that your kisses were so soft and gentle always surprised me.
I miss driving with you. You made me feel really safe to the point where I'd fall asleep because I always felt Jet lagged and tired (due to how quickly it darkens and the sun sets where you are... Compared the ever sunny where I am)
I miss rubbing your back, arm, or thigh while you drove. Silently reassuring you. I miss the tough, heavy, rugged fabric of your jeans.
I miss the soft quiet small talk when we did drive. Overall it was a very positive experience to have you drive me. It was a breath of relief and I always looked forward to it. A chance to let my guard down.
I miss rubbing your stomach and chest when we stood close. Feeling the rumble of your voice from the inside. Even when you were small. I miss holding your hand and feeling the calluses that built up between your fingers. Soft yet firm, maybe developed from the landscaping work you've done or just the fact that you forgot to moisturize. But it was similar to your grip on my hand. Sometimes it was frustrating that my hand was so small. I would overcompensate by stretching my fingers between your knuckles. It gave me that desperate twinge of survival fear I naturally had. The idea that if I was bigger, I was safer, I was more in control. If my acrylic nails were longer it would help give me more grip. But at the same time (despite how much I sometimes wished my hand was the larger one) it was also a sense of safety. I learned to love it. Similar to when I held your arm when we were out in public. The constant fear I always carry and have to fight daily would dissipate. I didnt have to be angry in order to take up space to be safe. I could just be calm and you'd do that for me. I think I first noticed it when we first went to Historic towne and the shops together. I held on to you and was quiet while you bustled about happily. I felt out of place since usually I was the more social one of the two. But I realized I was quieting down due to discovering a new found sense of peace. And while you talked up the store clerks I felt safe to take in the world around me. Without objectives or agression... for just a moment. And it was bliss.
I think the most genuine form of our attraction for eachother was when we developed sexual tension over the movie Zootopia. Which is weird and a little embarrassing to admit, but the way you imitated Nick Wilde's voice sent shivers down my spine. In the end, I guess the chemistry the characters had was something we once had.
I felt proud you were exploring my culture. I know you were not trying to appropiate. And there were many things I also wanted to show you but it upset me that you never wanted to compromise enough to come down to visit me and see it for yourself. I know you tried to find substitutes and I appreciated that so much. But in a way it made me feel like my culture, identity, and self was a novelty for you... and your family. I guess part of me always was waiting for you to be ready and excited to be immersed in my culture. The celebration you had with your family gave me so much hope, fear as well. But it did make me so happy.
I learned today that I in fact had issues actually listening when you spoke. I often compared my life experiences as a way to offer advice or even optimism. But it was a way to minimize your pain/experience and I'm sorry. I was wrong.
I'm sorry for all the panic attacks I had and how difficult it was to adapt to your hometown. I truly enjoyed being there and I enjoyed your company the most. I love you.
I love you. I miss you. This is all so difficult and confusing
I miss you. I love you. I miss touching you. Why am I not worthy of your love and affection? I'm sorry I'm so frigid and awkward and unattractive.
There was so much I didnt know that you did not tell me or told me in bits. And yet you unleashed full punishment when I failed to provide the same enthusiasm or understanding. I was lost a lot of the time.
Why havent you sent my things back. It hurts to think you've thrown them away. Loving you is so confusing. It hurts that you made me realize I'm not good enough to marry.
It doesnt get easier. It's been exactly two weeks and it kills me to wake up and see no attempt at a reconnection from you
I'm sad I will never see the forest again. I miss camping with you.
I ate greek food today you would have liked it. I miss you
It seems like I see marriage around every corner and it hurts.
I saw our old fix it list and the contract you made for us. Seems like you really did struggle to change on your end even after all these years. I love you despite that though. Stupid as it may be I would still give you another chance. A million chances. I do however apologize for the few slip ups I had. The posts on social media which I managed well enough. The anxiety and trust issues.
I love you. You are a wonderful salesman. I have faith in you. I have always believed in you. I love you the way you are. I know you are going thru something hard and I want to be there to support you.
I miss your warmth, taste, touch, even your smell which I faintly remember. I've missed it all year but now it hits the worst. Something in me aches for you. It always has. I smother it because it was embarrassing and shameful to realize you didn't feel the same way.
I love you please come back. Why did you stop loving me? I'm sorry. I would cry more but I haven't any tears left to cry
I definitely understand my shortcomings now as well. I should have never thrown your privilege in your face. That was not your fault.
Throwing your privilege in your face
Comparing our pain and invalidating yours
Being cold and dry at times
Letting my anger get the better of me
Struggling to see and validate your progress and change until you pointed it out
Being stubborn /Letting my anxiety take control
I will work on listening and being open to my faults. I understand the root of our issues were not always your fault. I now recognize my part in them as well.
Watching malcom in the middle makes me wonder what your childhood was like. I wish I asked more. I feel like I would and youd give me small answers or none at all. Or maybe you did answer and I didnt listen? I dont know.... sometimes it feels like I dont know you. You told me a lot about your nana though and that makes me happy.
I was touched by the small altar you made for your nana. If we ever live together I'd like to make an altar for both our grandmas.
I regret holding back my affection with you. Or being embarrassed by it.
vaporwave
2087
kianamaiart
baratheonpilled
gummygunk
germansingergirl
kaledo-art
