Returning to my First Love
I was feeling down the past month. I felt like I was living this defeated life by simply not living at the present. I was imprisoned by the past (always longing/feeling nostalgic of the past) and at the same time I was super worried of my/our future (controlling/grabbing things to have my way).
I was actually doing well on my quiet time before it happened. It was triggered by a simple post of one of my closest friend. I was part of this friendship group and we've been together in each other's trials and victories. However, due circumstances, I was separated from them, though they are still my friends but "something" has changed. And as I saw that post (a simple picture of them having dinner), I was remind of that time in the past when I was still part of their inner circle. I felt sad, depressed and alone (I was literally alone in another country by the way 😅), wishing things would go back to where they used to be.
And then, I heard that my colleagues (who resigned the same time I resigned) found a much better good paying job in a big hospital. So again, I felt sad because I've been praying for a specific company/salary/opportunity for 6months even before I resigned but I was hired by a much smaller company compared to my previous company.
And then my husband and I were praying to be together (we've been ldr for 4yrs as bfgf and going 1yr as married couple) but flights and circumstances are not making it possible for us to be together.
I keep on asking God why wouldn't He answer my prayers the way I want Him to. The Bible said be bold in your prayers, and I did. I was 💯 hopefully and sure that He would honor and answer my prayers and cries.
I slowly withdraw from my quiet time. When I'm listening to preaching, I noticed that I'm taking down notes just because I got used to it. My prayers became short and not personal. My Dgroup meetings became routine, and my answers to inquiries are rehearsed. This went on for weeks.
But God and His Grace are unrelenting.
I can never comprehend His love for me. Though I fall a thousand times, though I doubt Him at times, though I give up in times of uncertainties, He is just there waiting. Waiting for me to return.
As I push to return to Him, He led me to Genesis and the story of Jacob. Jacob, the moment he was born was grabbing his way to the world. He schemes and fights people and circumstances to get his way. He manipulated Esau twice to get the birthright and the blessing, He labored to get his wife Rachel, He generously gave to get the forgiveness of his brother. All his life, he was working and sweating to control and get the life that he wants. At that moment, I felt I was like Jacob. It was a sweet rebuke from God. Through His word I've learned to trust Him fully. To believe He is sovereign and wants the best for me. I may never understand in this life time why things have to be like this, but all I know is that this life is not my true home. My past and future here on earth are just a mere glimpse of the eternity waiting for me. He reminded me that His ways are greater than mine. I am thankful to God for reaching out to me, for putting my perspective back to Him, the beginning and the end of everything.
I know I still have a long way to go. But it gives me comfort to know that God is unchanging. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. That being said, I know and I believe that His Grace and His Love will always guide me in times of uncertainties. ❤️