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Me: kinky panromantic demisexual polyamorous agender thing with bipolar and OCD This tumblr: babbling. also pictures that I reblog. I'll be babbling about queerness, mental illness, my relationships, random nonsense... actually just lots of things. Companions: Here

[faunafacts]

A moose cools off in the heat as he creates his own waterfall by scooping water from a pond with his huge antlers, Denali National Park in Alaska

Picture: Y. Momatiuk & J. Eastcott/Minden/Solent

[js-ashby-blog]

I am at a family reunion in the middle of nowhere, renting a house on a cattle ranch. There are no houses or buildings of any kind as far as you can see, just beautiful Colorado scrubland.

Last night I sat on a rock for probably at least 30 minutes, just looking at the flowers and the insects and watching a toad (whose hops made me giddy).

My cousins, meanwhile, are disappointed by the "lack" of wildlife. They want to see deer and bobcats and bears, and I am just plodding along delightedly looking at pollinators.

I went out on an ATV and when I got back, my cousin's son asked if I had seen "anything". I said that of course I had seen things - not like I could drive with my eyes shut. He specified "cool animals" and I told him about the interesting insects. He said that didn't count and he meant like deer and stuff.

I am in tranquil "nature being" mode, totally delighted by the ecosystem around me, and they are disgusted at how "lifeless" this place is.

Oh you silly people with your exclusive interest in charismatic megafauna.

[hautedeath]

No Straight Pride: Why is there a Gay Pride?

Video here: [x]

[angrywocunited]

This is important.

[js-ashby-blog]

One of my teeth broke. :/ Maybe on the shuttle last night when I was coming home from the airport? It was super bumpy and I was super sleepy so I might not have noticed it. I noticed this morning, though, and the broken edge is sharp and weird and I keep running my tongue over it and being weirded out by it.

[js-ashby-blog]

I feel like a cutlery warehouse. I have so many spoons omg.

(I also suspect I am hypomanic, given how hard it is to sleep, how restless I am, and the fact that I applied to 12 jobs yesterday which is more than I usually do in a month. BUT SPOONS.)

[dapplejack]

Numbats are an Australian marsupial found in the continents west. They primarily eat termites, and as such need a well adapted tongue to do so. The Numbat needs to keep its tongue well coated in a sticky saliva, allowing them to catch up to 20,000 termites in a day.

[bipolarowls]

[faunafacts]

Too Cute! by jerry wasicek

[js-ashby-blog]

Proof my meds matter:

I've frequently worried that my meds aren't actually doing anything and I'm just making up that I have mental illnesses and so my psych people are giving me fake drugs so I'll shut up.

I ran out of my SSRI last week and haven't really been taking my lithium for the last week either and uh. Definitely noticeable.

I've been dizzy for a solid week. I feel slightly dissociated. And, either because of the sudden lack of mood stabilization or as a result of the dizzies or both, I am overemotional as HELL.

I just took a shower. I spent the entire time fighting so hard against tears that it was (and is) physically painful, and I am still feeling shaky and fragile. What horrible thing happened? The shower curtain kept gusting in at me and it wouldn't stay where I shoved it.

I need to go get more meds, but that requires spoons (so many spoons) and I can't and it makes me feel like I'm never going to get them so I'm never going to stop feeling like this.

Yay for meds actually making a difference, but this is shit.

[js-ashby-blog]

Every once in a while, I feel like I'm not doing anything wrong. Normally, I am a giant bundle of apologies, constantly convinced that I've wronged those around me or my existence is in some way bothering them. But not right now.

And in theory, that should be good. I should be pleased. But I'm so used to being apologetic that I don't know how to be anything else. Instead of feeling calm and happy, I feel like an empty husk. I don't know how to respond to people because my default interaction and my entire way of thinking is no longer available to me.

Something comes up where I know I would normally feel apologetic, but I don't really feel sorry. Sometimes I apologize anyway, but if I do, I am keenly aware of the fact that I shouldn't. I don't know why I apologize. There's no reason to. And that knowledge - and the fact that I apologized anyway - makes me resent whoever put me in a position where I apologized. Were they trying to make me feel guilty? Why? Because it's actually their fault?

But I can't really be irritated, either. I can't be apologetic and I can't be irritated at people for the fact that I normally am. I just...can't be anything.

I can't even tell if I can be bothered by that. Just a little empty Hannah husk.

[js-ashby-blog]

epochryphal replied to your post: Why life should be more like Skyrim: a psychological discussion

i’m actually finding that to be super useful in the job application process..! instead of super investing into just one, i can pick up and flit around a bunch of openings. and whichever get back to me i’ll pay a little more attention then?

I should try to do that. Even some of the first steps, though, feel like such big deals. Like I am thinking about applying to Petco again but it has one of those online survey things which get me so frustrated and upset instantly. (Although therapist suggested having Ace help me and we can talk about the questions so I get his idea on what it means instead of "there are multiple things this question could mean, what one does it mean omg I will just flip out now" which might be helpful).

[js-ashby-blog]

Why life should be more like Skyrim: a psychological discussion

I was talking to my therapist about how much trouble I have making choices and acting when there are multiple choices (dog or shower first?) and how I end up obsessing and then am too late and have the choice taken away from me and in a way that's better so I sabotage myself so I won't be allowed to be the one choosing.

And it got me thinking about randomization, like it might be nice to flip a coin and if it says heads I take a shower and if it says tails I take my dog out. But somehow apply it to everything. That's how I've been playing Skyrim lately - I found a randomizer that spits out race, gender, several skills, your alignment in several quests, and your moral alignment. Between that and my "ooo just thought of a cool rule/backstory/restriction/whatever for a character!!!", I've been making and abandoning tons of characters.

And at first that seemed bad. I should just make one, adore it, and see it through to the end of the mainquest/all the quests. But Ace keeps encouraging me to just go ahead and make these impulse characters, and while I don't always play them for long, I have fun while I'm playing them, which is more than I can say for some long-term characters.

I think this is what I need. The freedom to pop in and out of things, and the mindset that it's okay to abandon something if I don't like it. Yes, even if I thought it was going to be awesome. Yes, even if I put a lot of planning and thought into getting there. Yes, even if I babbled excitedly at Ace about how amazing it was going to be. It's always okay to back out, and I shouldn't feel ashamed of doing so.

I think if I could really do that - try things as easily as I can make new characters - I would probably have a job by now. Maybe even one I love, but certainly something, or be on the way to having one. I wouldn't feel paralyzed and increaingly frustrated with myself, like I am now.

Unfortunately, life isn't like Skyrim. It takes more effort to get a job or find an internship or whatever than it takes to click "new" instead of "continue" on the Skyrim startup menu.

[js-ashby-blog]

also what the hell. when anyone else ever tries to plan anything/is stressing about plans, I am like "we'll figure it out as we go." And do not even care at all. And that's for big things like "where will we stay in a foreign country?" But now "should I bike home or take BART" has me freezing up and unable to do anything. I could just figure it out when I get done with therapy. Like see if I have the energy. But no, I have to figure out right now what I'm doing for the entire rest of the day, and that's making it so I can't do anything at all.

I'm so great.

[js-ashby-blog]

I COULD go to therapy, then just go a little further and go to petco or petsmart or whatever the big giant chain is. and then take public transit back. but then I am wasting money on my incompetence, instead of just biking both ways. blah.

[js-ashby-blog]

I sometimes think about what accommodations I would ask for if I were to officially file for disability. But then I realize that my disability is basically just that I suck. So the accommodation would be "never expect me to accomplish anything and just write me out of your life" and...that's not really an accommodation. If that's what I need, then why do I think I can get a job or have relationships or anything at all ever?

Thought of two more things making me freeze up right now. If I go to therapy, I'll be in the same town as a job that I really want. I should go and pester them again to see if they're hiring. Also my dog is out of poop bags, and I'm almost out of bags laying around the house. I could turn therapy trip into a big loop that would take me to the job and to a pet store. But ff everything is so goddamn hard.

[js-ashby-blog]

Everything is so hard :(

Especially things with multiple steps. Fuck steps. If it was just "go to therapist" I might be able to do it. But it should be "take dog out, take shower, go to therapist" and so now I am paralyzed. Do I take dog out before or after shower? And showers are so hard. I should take dog out but then I have to get dressed once, then get undressed for a shower, then get back dressed, and all those steps are just...just no.

And this executive dysfunction is probably because I'm not taking my meds, so there's a little irony cycle. Getting myself to take all three doses of my meds is hard, because it requires action on my part three times a day, and as a result, me taking action is getting harder. I'm also getting low on meds, and that's a fuck ton of steps, too. Because my insurance is being dicks. So I need to call them (ff) or maybe even call a different person (ff) so I can get them to help me call them (ffffff), then go to the pharmacy and get my meds. Except I'm supposed to tell insurance I need a refill and they will mail me the meds, but I should have done that a while ago because now I'm almost out. So now I'm unsure what to do there because I don't want them to know how much I suck, and they'll find out when they find out how low I am on my meds.

I also need to go back to my psychiatrist, but ff. I am meant to have gotten meds (we are going to start abilify and see if it's great) and been on them, AND I was meant to get a blood test. But I didn't get meds yet because of insurance, and I haven't gotten a blood test yet because it's hard. So now I don't want to go back to psychiatrist until I am successful, but the fact that I'm not seeing a psychiatrist is also stressing me out because now it's been ages since the last appointment and she's going to bring it up next time I see her so then even if I have gotten successful, I'll still have to tell her how long it took me to succeed.

Ff. Can I just curl up in my closet?

[js-ashby-blog]

Skyrim :/

TW: apeirophobia

Spoilers through Skyrim through the "Throat of the World" quest in the main plotline (if you haven't chatted with Paarthurnax yet, don't read this). Also little spoiler for the Dawnguard questline in the Chasing Echoes or whatever it is quest?

So here I was minding my own happy business, prancin' around, bein' the dragonborn. And then Arngeir, the fucker, has to be like "what if this world isn't meant to be saved? what if we need to let it end?"

And suddenly Alduin goes from being the evil devourer or worlds to being an earthworm. Maybe Alduin's stomach is a compost heap and the world needs to be consumed so all the little worldbits can be recycled and remade into something better (or just something new).

As an ecologist, that sounds good. Circle of life = good. My character thinks this world has some major issues so I could see him being like "k sounds good, let's start over." And he's going to be going into the Soul Cairn soon enough and, especially after that, seeing all the souls trapped, I could see him be like "okay time for release and renewal, time to restart this."

Problem? Well A: I don't know if you're allowed to let Alduin win. I mean it would be a pretty big veer away from being the savior of the world if you were like "eh. yeah okay let's just let him do this thing." And B: this is a very triggering thoughtline. I stopped in the Dawnguard questline just before the soul cairn because I know it can be awful for my mind, and now suddenly the main quest is bringing it up, too. :/

I kind of want to look up how it goes from here, like if you do legitimately get a choice. That way, I don't sit here trying to figure out what I should do, possibly trigger myself, then discover that all my puzzling it over was for naught. But...this feels like a big deal. I don't want to read a wikipedia page and learn how the whole game ends, really. :/ Sigh.