harper's jar

low functioning catholic. afraid of spiders.

[judasfangirl]

hi, welcome to my blog :)

I go by harper on here, just for the sake of privacy. I'm in my early 20s, and I use she/her pronouns. I love black coffee, reading, my cat, pine trees, and fishing.

I made this blog to archive my writing pieces, photos, and playlists that I've created throughout the years. I've become sort of jaded and generally dissatisfied with life recently, and I'm hoping that this archive will provide me with some much-needed clarity. So far, I'm having fun.

I mostly write about religion, nature, and dreams. Critiques, questions, and song recommendations are always welcome.

[judasfangirl]

autumn in rural iowa, 2025

Items include: doves in a briar patch, soft pumpkins, folk music, cinnamon candles, endless pining over someone I couldn't have, hard liquor in a red solo cup, getting drunk in the basement of the college bar, shivering in the passenger seat of a car, a yellow moon, a first kiss, wind in tall grass, stargazing, the burning iron smell of a train passing by, wood splinters in my fingertips, my knees brushing against his, maison margiela perfume, late nights studying in the english department's house, rotting berries underfoot, playing magic the gathering until midnight, sharing a cheese platter with my professor, white tail deer running across a field, fog rolling in over the hills, early morning drives to get coffee, always thinking of that one person, poor decisions, and a large spider weaving a home outside my window.

The playlist:

"The Only Place" Big Thief

"Lake Shore Drive" Aliotta Haynes Jeremiah

"Chasing Pavements" Adele

"Double Infinity" Big Thief

"party 4 u" Charli xcx

"Wild Horses" The Rolling Stones

"Everybody Here Wants You" Jeff Buckley

"Don't Delete The Kisses" Wolf Alice

"Only in My Dreams" The Marias

"Sweet Carolina" Lana Del Rey

"Moon Dreams" Miles Davis

"The Rot" Dean Blunt

"If You Love Her" Tokyo Tea Room

"Beware of Darkness" George Harrison

"Forever out of Time" Tokyo Tea Room

"Sister Golden Hair" America

[judasfangirl]

7.26.26 journal

Terrible weekend. Yesterday I attended a funeral for one of my friends. That's the thing about being friends with addicts- you're not friends for very long. It's almost worse when the death isn't drug related. When someone starts using it's a pretty safe bet you'll know exactly what will kill them. But then your friend sobers up, and you think the worst is behind them, and you forget that there's a whole world of other things that can kill you a lot quicker than meth can. In this case, a head-on car collision. After 5 years of sobriety. You can't help but feel it's a damn waste.

I could've burst a vein in my eye from how hard I kept my tears in. Yes, a damn waste.

Pictures include my friend's retired motorcycle, which now belongs to someone else, my busted heels on the back step of the church, and some wonderful pine trees outside the truck's window. Much sadness, but also much comfort.

Yesterday's rotation:

"Ride" Lana Del Rey

"The Pink Room" Angelo Badalamenti

"Cannock Chase" Labi Siffre

[desolatediva]

06.05.25

[judasfangirl]

summer in minnesota, 2025

Items include: incense smoke, diet pepsi, adventure time, a new tattoo, a guitar being softly strummed on a front porch, rose lip gloss, a vintage theater, wes anderson movies, a short-lived romance, pale pink eyeshadow, "cashmere orchid" from victoria's secret, speeding through a tunnel in the dead of night, crisp beer, turtle mochas from caribou, menthol cigarettes, twin peaks on vhs, a terrible decision, a secret crush, slow dancing with a boy, mourning doves, catching bass in the river, chocolate melting in my purse, a bunny rummaging through my garden, driving home at 1 am, and fireflies on an evening breeze.

The playlist:

"Goth Babe" Surf Curse

"Her" The American Dawn

"Did you know that there's a tunnel under Ocean Blvd" Lana Del Rey

"100" Dean Blunt

"In My Head Till I'm Dead" Surf Curse

"Margaret" Lana Del Rey

"Kingston" Faye Webster

"Oh My Angel" Bertha Tillman

"If You Lie Down With Me" Lana Del Rey

"Mis" Alex G

"Summerboy" Lady Gaga

"Champagne Coast" Blood Orange

"104 Degrees" Slaughter Beach, Dog

"Sunrise Comes Too Soon" Late Night Alumni

"Everything Is Embarrassing" Sky Ferreira

"Beaches" Beabadoobee

[judasfangirl]

an animal runs over it

I am sitting next to someone I love very much, in a car that is going very, very fast. We don’t talk to each other. We sit silently in the backseat, and I find myself hoping that his hand will creep across the leather upholstery towards my own. I know this won’t happen, because I have only imagined his presence beside me. Two more people I love are sitting in the front seat. They are talking to each other about class and which of their peers they dislike or think are attractive. I can only make out sibilants from their conversation- the rest of the words fly away out of the open windows, which send wind howling through the car.

I slowly turn my face toward the window. Beyond the highway, forests and cornfields mesh together in a tangle of dried wood and wild grass. Canopies of dead ivy form between them, under which raccoons and white tail deer sleep in the pale purple light of evening. The red setting sun flashes through a break in the cornstalks before disappearing behind a copse of dead oak trees.

The sky goes dark then, and our little family is cradled between the glow of incandescent headlights, conjuring up tiny shadow ghosts in the stalks, and the red eyes of the tail lights leaving wisps in the black air behind us. I watch my friend in the seat in front of me lean her head out the window. The back of her head becomes another little ghost, silhouetted in the streaming light of passing cars, her red hair dancing wildly. The air is pure, almost like chlorine. It is the smell of tiny animals, still soft and wet from birth; of leaves and little buds blooming in the underbrush. It is the smell of the night sky seeping into every soft surface like water. It is shared spit on the rim of a beer bottle. Of obsession buried under a foot of tangled vines and dried fruit. An animal runs over it.

A song that we all love begins to crackle over the radio. My friend who is a terrible driver but is behind the wheel anyway thrusts a hand out of the window. Her fist opens. The tips of her nails disappear into the ink-spill night, and I imagine the sweat of her palms cooling in the animal breeze, a ghostly blue hue dancing along the lines of her skin. When my hand shakily reaches outwards, a thin leaf reaches back, and when I bring my fingertips to my face there is blood beading along my nail. A ringlet of little red jewels. It feels like being on fire.

4.14.26

harper's jar

[judasfangirl]

spring in rural iowa, 2025

Items include: the best and worst of times, escaping an awful relationship, a new romance that I secretly wished was someone else, memorizing every passive touch of fingertips between us, the beatles crackling through a car stereo, passing a beer back and forth, wild deer tramping through tangled underbrush, endless cornfields, the shadowy outline of trees stark against the dying light, hair dancing wildly in the wind, speeding down the highway to home, realizing the person I hated wasn't so bad after all, air so pure it almost smelled chlorinated, stumbling home after dozens of parties, raccoons scurrying under a porch, and lots of whiskey.

The playlist:

"Come Down Soon" Lizzy McAlpine

"Ever Fallen in Love" Buzzcocks

"Anemone" The Brian Jonestown Massacre

"Better in the Dark" Jordana

"Killshot" Magdalena Bay

"Ghost Riders in the Sky" Johnny Cash

"Impacto" Enjambre

"Messy" Lola Young

"Southern Nights" Glen Campbell

"Left Hand" Kaz Moon

"Are You The One" Basement

"Where the Heart Is" Sweet Pill

"It Almost Worked" TV Girl

"Disco" Surf Curse

"Is It Really You?" Loathe

"Big Empty" Stone Temple Pilots

"After Midnight" Chappell Roan

"Dance Yrself Clean" LCD Soundsystem

"Dirty Work" Steely Dan

"Breakfast In America" Supertramp

"Louise" TV Girl

[judasfangirl]

autumn and winter in iowa, 2024

Items include: a class on dante, secretly becoming catholic again, cinnamon paprika lattes, long nights in the campus chapel, cherry scones, chapped lips, spirit halloween, fresh snow crunching underfoot, dead tree branches creaking in the wind, curling up by an ancient space heater, shivering on the walk from the library, maple flavored coffee, junk journaling, heavy fog, slipping on ice on the way to class, falling asleep on the floor, gently falling dead leaves, and the sweet biting taste of bourbon.

The playlist:

"Black Planet" Sisters of Mercy

"Turtle Island" Beach House

"Hazel" Far Apart

"Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" Specimen

"Spiritual Cramp - Halloween 2019" Christian Death

"Watermelon" John + Jan Q. Public

"Brother Louie" Modern Talking

"Golden Brown" The Stranglers

"Ain't No Sunshine" Bill Withers

"Goo Goo Muck" The Cramps

"Pandora (For Cindy)" Cocteau Twins

"Dozen" Alison's Halo

"Angel" Massive Attack

"Know Who You Are At Every Age" Cocteau Twins

"Another Space Song" Failure

"Falling Apart" Slow Pulp

"Gila" Beach House

[judasfangirl]

summer in minneapolis, 2024

Items include: a new club every night, indie sleaze revival, sticky floors, hair tangled with sweat, heavy bass thrumming through my bones, cheap booze, cherry lip gloss, mascara smudged under my eyes, sore muscles every morning, "fantasy" from britney spears, cooling my forehead on a car window, permanent brain fog, not coming home until 3 am, smokey eyeshadow, strawberry flavored vapes, mint leaves and dried limes soaked in gin, catching a girl's eye across the dance floor, chipped nail polish, eating greasy pizza on a curb after the clubs closed, layers of hairspray, and lots of glitter.

The playlist:

"Cool Kids" Echosmith

"Good Luck, Babe!" Chappell Roan

"So Happy I Could Die" Lady Gaga

"C'mere" Interpol

"Quand Vas Tu Rentrer" Melody's Echo Chamber

"Telephones" Vacations

"Heavy Metal Lover" Lady Gaga

"Drown" Strange Boutique

"Roses" The Chainsmokers

"Private Idaho" The B-52's

"Summertime Sadness" Lana Del Rey

"I Don't Wanna Be Me" Type O Negative

"Alice" Pogo

"Fucked My Way Up To The Top" Lana Del Rey

"I Think You're Really Beautiful" Starry Cat

"Paper Planes" MIA

"I Follow You" Melody's Echo Chamber

"My Propeller" Arctic Monkeys

[judasfangirl]

spring in rural iowa, 2024

Items include: little shoots of green corn curling up from the fields, a huge spider living in my window, late nights playing magic the gathering, meeting my two best friends for the first time, solitary mornings, powdered eggs at breakfast, chilly car sex, tasteless coffee, leaves on the trees finally unfurling, "happy heart" from clinique, walking through the college lawn just to avoid people, pink sunlight in the early morning, and two new face piercings.

The playlist:

"Mass Anesthesia" Mediavolo

"Obstacle 1" Interpol

"Mr Clarinet" The Birthday Party

"Alone Again Or" Love

"Celia's Dream" Slowdive

"Hey, Johnny Park!" Foo Fighters

"Today" Jefferson Airplane

"Venice Bitch" Lana Del Rey

"Whatever She Wants" Bryson Tiller

"Pink Ocean" The Voidz

"When You Die" MGMT

"Lady Killers II" G-Eazy

"Archie, Marry Me" Alvvays

"We Are The People" Empire Of The Sun

"Old Yellow Bricks" Arctic Monkeys

"Metal Guru" T. Rex

[judasfangirl]

winter in rural iowa, 2023-24

Items include: a gothic chapel outside my window, dead cornfields blanketed in snow, living in a haunted all-girls dormitory, micron pens, thrift stores, late nights in the library, early christian dogmatic studies, vanilla chapstick, cinnamon mochas, espresso-stained note pages, a bat infestation, three layers of wool socks, watery black coffee from the cafeteria, sipping on rum chata at the bar, new vinyl records for christmas, and a class on medieval european magic.

The playlist:

"Disorder" Joy Division

"Mascara" Deftones

"Kidnapping an Heiress" Black Box Recorder

"To Sheila" The Smashing Pumpkins

"You're All I Want" Cigarettes After Sex

"Love During Wartime" The Main Drag

"Hell Is Round The Corner" Tricky

"Cruel World" Lana Del Rey

"Obscured" The Smashing Pumpkins

"Porno Witch" Devil's Witches

"Cochise" Audioslave

"Luna" The Smashing Pumpkins

"Serpentskirt" Cocteau Twins

"Under My Voodoo" Sublime

[reprisearchive]

David Lynch's "Angriest Dog in the World".

[judasfangirl]

autumn, 2023

Items include: a new turbulent romance, roadtrips to iowa, a sketchy gas station job, a cathedral, a dying tree in my grandparent's yard, applying to a new college, art museums, potato soup, grandpa sweaters, getting drunk on halloween, an ancient pair of doc martens, vanilla candles, pho noodles, eucalyptus lotion, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, going to bed crying, and black milk tea.

The playlist:

"Vampire Empire" Big Thief

"Sandy" Alex G

"Silver Springs" Fleetwood Mac

"Out of My League" Fitz and The Tantrums

"Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime" Beck

"Sex Dungeon" Shoe

"Mama's Boy" Dominic Fike

"High and Dry" Radiohead

"Note to Self" Mild High Club

"Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me" The Smiths

"Black Star" Radiohead

"W.I.G.T.S" S. Maharba

"Ballad of Big Nothing" Elliott Smith

[judasfangirl]

summer 2023

The best summer of my life.

Items include: caravaggio's "judith beheading holofernes," bleeding heart bushes, record stores, black coffee, a flood in the kitchen, hannibal (2001), salmon sushi, going steady with a 44 year old semi-famous photographer, sci fi book fairs, 1 am drag shows, oatmilk, a rope swing in the front yard, the king in yellow, exclusively dating men over the age of 40, gothic pinup boudoir photography, having sex in a tesla, weird fiction, cold pepsi, evening walks, boat rides on the mississippi, goth fashion, late night car rides to nowhere, and chilled tequila.

The playlist:

"Sugar Water" Cibo Matto

"Nessun Dorma" Puccini

"To Every Captive Soul" Hans Zimmer

"So What" Miles Davis

"Knockin' On Heaven's Door" Bob Dylan

"Last Caress" Misfits

"One Million Lovers" The Growlers

"Cosmopolitan Blood Loss" Glassjaw

"Devil's Advocate" The Neighborhood

"Eddie My Love" Brigitte Calls Me Baby

"Crystal" New Order

"Risingson" Massive Attack

"Hyperion" Slift

"Fill The Void" Oingo Boingo

"Seasonal Affection Disorder" The Receptionists

"Sistinas" Danzig

"Clickbait" Skinny Girl Diet

"(dream)" Salvia Palth

"Romantic" Mannequin Pussy

"Werewolf Heart" Dead Man's Bones

"Brooklyn Baby" Lana Del Rey

"Ladykillers" Lush

"Rebel Yell" Billy Idol

"Rock the Casbah" The Clash

"Long Cool Woman" The Hollies

"Shalala" Moses Gunn Collective

"New Gold" Gorillaz

"About You" The 1975

"Then Came the Last Days of May" Blue Oyster Cult

"Born Under a Bad Sign" Jimi Hendrix

[judasfangirl]

spring in duluth, 2023

Items include: a breakup, the saint scholastica shrines, freshly blooming lilacs, wild deer, rose scented prayer candles, purple evenings, anna karenina, milky coffee, a tuxedo cat, watership down, thrifted ballet flats and slip dresses, plum lipstick, "light blue" from dolce & gabbana, and canned sardines.

The playlist:

"Peppers" Lana Del Rey

"Hold the Line" Toto

"Layla - Acoustic Live" Eric Clapton

"Sad Girl" Lana Del Rey

"She's Not There" The Zombies

"That's All" Genesis

"Million Dollar Man" Lana Del Rey

"Judy Is a Punk" Ramones

"Let The Light In" Lana Del Rey

"Step On Me" The Cardigans

"Venus" Television

[judasfangirl]

a year in duluth, mn

The snowiest year in recorded history.

Items include: concert cafes, spiced mochas, fires on black sand beaches, my heart thumping wildly at the sight of my professor, bad diy music, vietnamese coffee, tires skidding across ice-coated streets, homemade fudge, marlboro reds, classic russian lit, mildewy libraries, a useless boyfriend, thick clusters of pine trees, log cabins, wind that could cut through bare skin like paper, ink stains on my index finger, tattoo shops, torn fishnet tights, and bahn mi sandwiches.

The playlist:

"Beauty School" Deftones

"Decode" Paramore

"Grace" Jeff Buckley

"Not" Big Thief

"Vampire" Antsy Pants

"Lovesong" The Cure

"Dead Man's Party" Oingo Boingo

"Gilded Lily" Cults

"Girlfriend" Hemlocke Springs

"The Leanover" Life Without Buildings

"That Time Of The Month" Harley Poe

"Uncle Albert / Admiral Halsey" Paul and Linda McCartney

"Sexy Boy" Air

"Pictures of You" The Cure

"At the Zoo" Simon & Garfunkel

"About Her" Malcolm McLaren

"Get Out Of My House" Kate Bush

"How I Love" King Tuff

"Mojo Pin" Jeff Buckley

"The Suburbs" Arcade Fire

"Oh to Be in Love" Kate Bush

"Pyretta Blaze" Type O Negative

"Ceremony" New Order

"Christmas Kids" Roar