idk something witty

A random collection of me being upset about writing, my 3 am thoughts, and talking about my dog

[chubby-cry-baby]

“are we getting cremated or should we buy burial plots?” “hollander what the fuck”

[authorindistress]

When Ilya finally relents and has this convo he is all in on unorthodox burials.

“We can be a diamond necklace together.” “for fucking who, Rozanov? Could we at least get turned into a puck to be used during special games or something?” “….i do not want my corpse to be used as a puck. Let’s just become a tree.”

[authorindistress]

Back to say Brandon Wiebe is such an icon and I hope we meet his wife and kids in Unrivaled. I also hope that ex-boyfriend/teammate returns as a rival coach and the Centaurs somehow piece that shit together after hearing the guy make some snippy comments and those bitches make a vow to never let that man see even a GLIMMER of a win against them.

Additionally…

Rival Coach: Hello, Brandon-

Ilya: His name is coach, actually

Bood: There’s also no need to talk. Shake his hand and move on.

Shane: Good luck out there. Excited to see how this game goes. I'm sure you will do great just like last time!

Hayes: Yeah. When we won 6-2

Troy: I will destroy your bloodline

[authorindistress]

Y’all when I tell you I am SCREAMING-

[authorindistress]

I’m just saying that the year that Hollanov gets revealed it would…

1. Breach containment from the hockey world

2. Lead to an ungodly amount of Hollander/Rozanov couple costumes the following Halloween

3. They would get invited to at least one talk show in which Shane relents because “it’s important to represent and be a good role model” and so he goes on to be all serious, and Ilya is there to talk shit with the host on live TV.

This is all canon per my brain, sorry, I don’t make the rules.

[authorindistress]

Sometimes I think about the scene where the top three drafts are getting photo together and Ilya has this shit eating grin while holding up #1 and Shane has the bitchiest expression when holding up #2.

And I just know in my heart that whenever Ilya gets into a petty argument with Shane he texts him that photo and then relishes in the chaos that follows.

[authorindistress]

I like to think that after every single press conference where Shane plays exceptionally well the Centaurs all profusely thank the Metros for fucking up so badly that Shane changed teams.

And, while, yes, Ilya 100% encourages this, the biggest perpetrator of all is Yuna Hollander, who likes to regularly post about how nice it is to be so close to Shane these days. Who knew homophobia and audacity could physically bring families closer together?

[authorindistress]

More on Heated Rivalry from me:

HC that if Sasha ever visits Ilya for whatever reason, he’d talk so much shit to Shane in French. The man lives in Paris, I'm assuming he’s fluent. So Ilya is just annoyed Sasha even came to Canada at all, unaware Shane is about 10 seconds away from killing a man because Sasha is straight up being like, “you know I taught your husband how to give blow jobs, right? I will tell you in detail how it went.”

Bonus: Hayden and JJ are in the background like...

[authorindistress]

Fully believe Svetlana and Shane will be friends, but equally sure their first interaction went something like...

[authorindistress]

I am so positive that Shane occasionally still calls Ilya “Rozanov” or “Roz” because that was just what he was called for a good chunk of their time together.

The problem is that given the pronunciation of his last name, Ilya will occasionally hear “Rose” and become the most dramatic ass bisexual to ever grace the planet.

Shane: Roz, can you-

Ilya: ROSE? Oh you are speaking to Rose Landry. Your famous actress lover. I forget. I will leave. I am only your husband who you wish would perish so that you can be with your true love. Who is Rose Landry… and not me.

Shane: sure, but can you please pass me my water?

(yes, this is actively taking place during practice. The rest of the Centaurs are used to it)

[authorindistress]

Ilya’s father better be grateful he died prior to the cottage™️ because if he had been around after that then he’d have Yuna Hollander haunting him 24/7 the moment she found out how his son has been treated.

[authorindistress]

I have emerged from the dead after finishing the first book of Heated Rivalry and the first season of the show to word vomit my HCs

(Disclaimer, this includes both book and TV lore combined. I haven’t read the Long Game yet so nothing there is included)

- Shane gets Ilya a J to wear next to his cross for his birthday and Ilya just adores it to the point he later gets Shane a L so they can sneakily wear couples necklaces using their code names.

- Hayden hates this, especially because Ilya likes to tell him the J is for Jackie while winking.

- Svetlana meets Shane and simply DOTES on him. They call themselves Ilya’s favorite S-people and spoil each other mercilessly.

- Ilya wants this relationship with Rose, but instead they end up being the funniest comedic duo of all time. They bring out the menace in one another 100%.

Ilya: why don’t you love me like Svetlana loves Shane

Rose: why should I

Ilya: bc you fucked my boyfriend

Rose: your boyfriend fucked me and i rectified the situation

Ilya: ….if you had a dildo do you think he would have chosen you over me

Shane: um-

Rose: we could find out. I have strong hips.

Ilya: I was wrong. Hollander is not my archrival. You are, Rose Landry.

- Ilya has also made it his sole purpose in life to win over Hayden’s kids. They adore him to the moon and Hayden cannot stand this. Jackie thinks it’s fantastic and asks him to babysit constantly.

- Speaking of kids, Alexei/Andrei has a new way of attempting to manipulate his brother and it’s using his daughter. Despite her trust fund, he tries to say she’s lacking in opportunities while growing up and Ilya is just like, “bet? Send her to Canada with me then”

- And Andrei/Alexei does just that bc he wants to pawn off his kid while Ilya is in the off season.

- Shane, Ilya, and his niece are an excellent trio and Ilya is trying to hire lawyers and such to low key see if they can adopt her after him and Shane come out.

- At one point, a journalist does get a photo of them kissing and brings it to Scott Hunter with the intention of asking for a quote for an exclusive and Scott shuts that shit DOWN. After dealing with that, he goes to confront Ilya and Shane.

Scott, holding up the photo he stopped from being printed: we need to talk

Shane: oh my god. Shit, shit, shit-

Scott: it’s fine. It won’t be printed but you two have to be more careful

Shane: god, thank you. I’m sorry, you should not have found out like this. Just let me explain.

Scott: yeah, um. I can’t say I was that shocked...

Ilya: can I keep this picture? It is very nice. And where is your hot boyfriend?

- Ilya is now in therapy and simply delighted that this is a thing. He loves to tell Shane all his breakthroughs and especially loves that his therapist is fluent in Russian.

- Speaking of which, Shane does set out to learn Russian. Ilya loves this until he realizes that would mean Shane spoke 3 languages and him only 2. So decides to learn French.

- Ilya gets a cat. My god, he loves this cat. He names it Freckles. Shane gets a dog that he’s obsessed with and names it Hazel. Hayden puts together why and is simply tortured by how disgusting they are.

- Yuna and Ilya become THE gossipiest little shits imaginable. If anything happens in the league, they are texting about it. Shane 100% has caught them drinking wine and talking shit about certain players before.

- David doesn’t quite know what to do with Ilya but he wants to be supportive so he does that thing where if you mention you like something once he buys an unreasonable amount of it. Except Ilya really only talks about how much he likes good vodka so this man is on the hunt to present Ilya with vodka every time they see one another.

- Ilya doesn’t really get what’s going on and thinks this could be a cultural thing so he keeps bringing David maple syrup.

- Shane is genuinely an excellent businessman when it comes to the Irina Foundation. Scarily so. His ability to run this charity is unmatched and he takes the responsibility super seriously. The “Mr. Businessman” jokes become constant

- Shane and Kip get surprisingly tight and hang out on the regular. Scott is low key annoyed that he makes Shane smoothies when he’s in town too.

I’m sure there will be more. But enjoy these for now 😌

[authorindistress]

NAH THEY DID HETTY AND NIGEL DIRTY THIS EPISODE-

I want Hetty to be visible at will :( and Nigel deserved a win :(

Devastating.

(though Isaac’s growth was sweet as hell and I appreciate him for that)

[writing-official]

[authorindistress]

Need a Ghosts episode where we talk more about the fact Flower was in law school. Because my mind never left that fun fact. Obviously, she comes off as ditzy a lot because of the drugs she died on but my girl was in LAW SCHOOL. In the 70s??!! I know it was legal for women to go to law school since the 50s but the 70s was probs still very hard. I have so many questions.

[authorindistress]

You have played Horizon Forbidden West for 76 hours-

Wrong. These hours do not account for the time I spent on YouTube looking at tutorials because this game is a goddamn team effort.

[hettywoodstonenumber1fan]

Anyone eles think Hetty's power was gonna be reveled this episode and that's how they would have contacted Pete? No? Just me? Cool

[authorindistress]

I legit thought she was gonna have a summoning power and be able to zip people and things into the house at will 💔

[authorindistress]

My dog when I go to pet her during the day: you dare touch me? Now? As I try to nap on your pillow and sprawl out on your bed? The nerve? The audacity? The gall? Now I must leave this room and never return for I have been wronged by your sinful hands.

My dog at one in the morning: hello, if I am not snuggled up on top of you with my head on your butt and my leg in your face then I will cry until you let you understand the gravity of your actions.