Let It Out // self para
It was such a struggle fumbling with the keys to his apartment, that Julian's grip of Dodger's leash around his hand tightened as the dog yanked and pulled like a fire had been lit under his tail. Not quite unusual, the two year old puppy always lacked a calm switch, bouncing around the apartment with untamable energy. Honestly, they were both growing stir crazy lately. The recent earthquake sent their city reeling and construction to repair the streets near his complex mostly locked himself and Dodger stuck inside with nowhere to go. Adding to that, Julian didn't trust his mind when left alone nor can he trust his choices. He wasn't an impulsive person, he has never been impulsive, but people change.
"Alright, alright, big guy. Relax." His attempts to coax the dog proved futile as he closed the door and dropped to his knees, giving Dodger a few head scratches before unclasping the leash and watching the Labrador retriever immediately bolt in the direction of the kitchen. Julian rose to a standing position with an exasperated sigh and placed the leash on the hook hung by the front door for convenience. He waited a moment, and then another, and then another, the anticipation of Dodger's barks for his dinner or even the sloppy laps from his water bowl to reach his ears catching Julian by surprise when neither happened. He's probably sitting in there and waiting, the thought occurred. "Dodge?" He moved toward the kitchen curiously when the sound of glass clinking stopped Julian in his tracks.
Julian's imagination immediately began running wild, from a lowly burglar breaking into the home right down to even an assassin laying in wait for the attack. He knew one, however, and Judas would surely warn him if someone placed a bounty on his head, right? Nobody in Hedgestone knew how deep his connection lay already, they couldn't. Julian went so far as rationalizing this intruder was a figment easily explained away by the dog simply knocking something off the counter. "Dodger, come here, boy." Julian called out uneasily.
"You know, that's the flaw of dogs, they're so trusting." A voice came floating from the kitchen before the body in which it belonged to crowded the doorway with Dodger at their side. The figure, tall and built slender, held a glass of bourbon in one hand he sipped at with a mannerly fashion only present in the higher social circles. And he was just as fashionably dressed as Julian remembered back in their high school days. "Maybe even too much."
"Chandler." Julian breathed an enormous sigh of relief, steadying his heartbeat as well as he could. It hadn't been long since he found himself in the other male's presence, a quick run-in at the Urie mansion after Austen's resurrection became public knowledge. The brief pleasantries were tainted by awkwardness especially with how the house of cards that was his relationship to Morrigan came crashing down unceremoniously. He always admired Chandler's confidence roaming the school halls like he owned it, head held high, and tenacity spilling from his lips. Julian could never adopt the loquacious candor Chandler presented with performance, and though the last name contributed to Chandy's infamy, Julian never saw him as cold-hearted or standoffish. "Come here, buddy." The man directed a murmur towards the dog and patted his thigh, watching Dodger trot over to stop at his master's rightful side. His gaze came to settle on the man, "Whatever the hell it is you're here for, I really don't have the mental capacity right now."
Chandler hummed lightly, glancing between the puppy and his owner, "I hope you don't mind that I let myself in. You weren't home yet and I personally didn't have the mental capacity as you so described it to make the tedious journey all the way back here. My time's far too precious, you know." He released a scoff and crossed the threshold into the living room before taking a seat in an armchair that was looking a little worse for wear. Every piece of furniture contained within Julian's apartment had been well-maintained apart from the one Chandler sat himself in. Which only bore a tell-tale indication of constant use. "We need to talk, Julian. Sit."
"Talk? Oh, now you want to have a little chat." Julian's words ran dry in his mouth, experiencing an understandable array of emotions given instructions from someone you do not want visiting your residence and stringing the sentence humankind has learned can only follow dread. "I think we both know what this is going to be about." He stated after a pause, shrugging an arm in defeat and finding a spot in the middle of the couch. Dodger didn't hesitate jumping up on the cushions and resting his head in Julian's lap. If there's one sliver of comfort he could focus on, it was that.
"I assure you, you don't. Not completely, anyway. And do spare the dramatics." Chandler crossed one leg over the other casually and touched his lips to the glass he still totted, allowing the silence rise between them until it would leave Julian slightly squirming. The art of intimidation isn't a lesson obtained without an expert leading by example. His father, both birth and adopted, didn't hesitate proving their throne of power at every opportunity. Julian shifted uncomfortably in his seat from where Chandy could see which he didn't enjoy as much as he imagined. "You see, dove, I don't hide the lengths I will and have gone in further establishing my loyalty to family. I'm a bonafide Urie through and through. My position, the wealth, all pale in comparison to my sister's happiness." He sat back comfortably, continuing the spiel, "You made her happy. I'll be the first to confess that I'm forever the captain of this secret Julian and Morri ship however doomed for failure it became." Chandler waved a hand dismissively, "No matter my personal liking of someone, Morrigan's safety is and has always been my priority."
"I'm not a threat to her." Julian couldn't be certain that was the point being presented. He never sensed an inkling of a doubt Chandler was the type of person who traveled the ends of the earth for those he held most dear. If their roles were reversed, god forbid, he would do the same for Casey and has gone to lengths protecting his sibling. Julian traded his life for Casey's when the borders closed for good knowing his time in Hedgestone was sealed anyway.
"Oh?" Chandler observed as the dark-haired male spent the pause digging around in his jean pocket and produced a cell phone. Nothing but the sound of Chandler's fingers tapping the surface filled the air until his searching came upon a video sent through a chain of text messages. The moment he pressed play and turned the screen around, Julian's stomach immediately dropped with recognition. There, displayed in color complete with sounds, was his private meltdown at the batting cage a couple days back. Being present there and experiencing the anger was one thing, watching himself was somehow worse. The defeated expression along his features must have caught Chandler's attention for the other resumed, "When the outside world sees a man who's centered his personality around patience and a calm head lose his shit so ferociously, people begin asking questions. They start making connections and all roads lead to their guarded leader."
"You had me followed." Julian mustered the statement quietly, feeling a nauseous bile linger in his throat.
"Of course I had you followed." Chandler lifted his gaze in an eyeroll and released a sigh surrounded by impatience as he shoved the device back into his pocket. "You've been followed even after our cover was blown, Julian, I personally saw to it during my time away from St. Cascadia. Morri isn't aware yet of the precautionary steps I've put in place, but she will once I take my leave." He debated showing her the video that accompanied the explanation. Chandler despised keeping secrets from Momo, but she would've been outspoken about her objections. "If somebody like me possesses the means to snag this footage, what makes you think the gossip bitch herself hasn't already?"
"No, no, no, why would you have any possible reason to do that?" Julian sharply sat up further in his seat to a point where Dodger lifted his head with slight alarm, but the man couldn't see straight. There have been eyes on him since the relationship toppled, watching him, anticipating his next move as if he were seconds from causing a woman he loved harm. Chandler's reasons hardly mattered now, surveillance or no, there's now digital evidence proving Julian approached dangerous territory. "I don't need you breaking into my apartment and telling me I've slapped a target on my back, Chandler. I suffered with it for years watching her from the sidelines. Seeing how the world treated her, how every person in our school looked at her, the mantle she took after what happened to her father and Desmond-"
Chandler raised his hand and swiftly interrupted the statement at the mere mention of their deceased brother, "Please, waste your breath and continue lecturing me on the burdens that come with being a leader. It's not as if I wasn't there attending unbearable lessons with Dezzie." He spit with sarcasm, pinching the bridge of his nose before leaning forward in seriousness Chandler couldn't stand. "Don't assume I'll send off this video for Savitri to peruse and post. I'm a petty bastard, but perception is everything." Especially from Hedgestone's many residents. "I understand how it seems you've been abandoned and left to drown as the rest of the faction moves on, dove. You two chose distance and that was supposed to save your life." Chandler straightened his posture with demanding assertion, "What you have been tormenting yourself over, you can't have it both ways and straddle the line. You can't love her and expect to remain the golden boy-next-door you've painted for the world's viewing."
Wasn't the notion sensible, believing a man harboring the best friend status found Julian's breakdown useful and present everyone's most reviled blogger the perfect opportunity to post the bombshell on a new target they haven't written about before? Julian knew the only reason the other male refrained and she wasn't in this room. Somehow, he cannot appreciate it the way Chandler hoped for, as if he preconceived a sign of gratitude. "Save my life? Staying in Hedgestone and watching as you both carry on as if you didn't destroy what little life I tried building consumed me, Chandler." He exclaimed in exasperation, shaking his head repeatedly. "Morrigan doesn't want to be with me anymore, I'm nothing. It was her kingdom or love and you know her choice."
"I cannot speak on Morri's behalf and give you a false sense of hope by promising she desires another whirlwind romance with her high school sweetheart, but you also can't proclaim standing at her side while simultaneously showing disgust for the blood on her hands. So to speak," Chandler's hazel gaze pulled from Julian and rested on the back of his own hand, inspecting the nails coolly. "Take a walk on the dark side and embrace who you could be if she happened to take you back. It's not a bad place to be garnering a leader's favor, handsome. Don't think of it a treachery or betrayal." He looked upon the oldest Reese through a half-lidded stare coated by playfulness. "Own it."
Julian could do nothing but process the words with mass confusion, staring dumb-founded as he pictured himself standing at the edge of a vast forest, nothing but swirling darkness reaching forward and claiming him. He traveled along its length for many years, always staying safe at the border, but never making a valiant dare hopping the fence to see what awaited on the other side. His foot slowly inched over, flirting the temptation, particularly regarding his interactions with dangerous people, and yet he still chose righteousness. Maybe he wasn't completely good. He wasn't innocent, perfectly behaved, nor angelic. What made him saintly maybe became an attractive appeal for Morrigan, but loving her turned his soul to poison. This is the eternal dark without a dawn. "You want me to own it. I mean, I had no way of knowing I was inflicted with whatever this is after I've lost everything. Right?"
"Ah," Chandler released a hum and nodded once in understanding, "Right, this is about wonder boy's little hot dish of gossip he calls an expository article." He himself threatened violence upon the reporter when the written piece crossed his phone's screen. An attractive imbecile, if he has ever been acquainted with one. "How rude it should be of me to send an assassin after him, would it not? Justified, but rather impolite. I'd prefer burying my own bodies."
Julian opened his mouth and expected a response to spill, ultimately closing it instead when there were a half dozen sarcastic statements that could have been offered. No, Leonardo's article did not sooth his anxieties and convince him he wasn't tearing the hair from his skull for no silly reason. "Yeah, so," He mustered, "I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that, you know, in case he disappears and I'm questioned. I don't really care to drop the soap for your benefit."
"No need dropping the soap when I have a view of that perfectly chiseled bottom for free any day." Contemplation covered his sharp features before the matter at hand pulled him back to reality. "Look, you haven't lost anything, Julian. Anyone who judges you for what your heart cannot help yearning are not true friends. It's not my responsibility to speak for Momo, but I will say this," Chandler rose from the chair to a standing position as his nimble fingers worked on the buttons of his designer coat. "Beyond the frigid distant dictator, I think she still loves you. You're the one who got away. The teenage dream, the..." He rolled his wrist as if it may help conjure the thoughts, "The reason why I do not have little nieces and nephews to spoil rotten by now."
Julian hesitantly followed the other's lead and stood up the same time Chandler had, folding his arms across his chest so he wouldn't fidget. "You really think if past events were different, we'd have children." A fantasy, a world without Douglas' existence suffocating his daughter's choices of the man she would spend the rest of her days with, just the two of them and any number Morrigan wanted for children. Whether it is one or three or ten, Julian would abide if her happiness persisted. "I know you're only saying it to make me feel better, but as long as I make sacrifices for her, I'll keep losing everything."
"And here I am, left playing the matchmaker." Chandler extended a hand and gently ruffled Dodger's head as he squeezed past both him and the dog's owner to reach the front door, shrugging, "You know the choice you're faced with, dove. Though, I'm tickled by an inkling you have already made it."
"Maybe I have. Now, it's up to Morrigan." Julian rounded the couch and met the other at the apartment's exit. The last few days brought an accumulation of extreme exhaustion and here Chandler arrives to dump the avalanche when all he needed was a beg for pitiful mercy. He was talented at that, wasn't he, throwing himself at clemency's feet and kissing the ground she walked. Why shouldn't his pleading extend towards her right hand man?
"Good. I knew I liked you for a reason. Other than those rippling pectorals and that hair even I'm jealous of." Chandler reached out his hand again and flirtingly wound a lock of Julian's curls around an index finger, humming as the man pulled away in annoyance. Releasing a chuckle, he dropped his arm and nudged open the door, "Allow me to arrange a meeting and perhaps, I'll see you around the mansion more often. God, how I have missed that face."
"Chandler?" Julian knew he should let this go and save the conversation for another day, but he waited over a decade for answers. He watched Chandler turn around at the sound of his name with the same curiosity shared between the two men. "You left me in that hallway with excuses, did you forget that?" Julian sure didn't. "I spent weeks debating whether I should've stood at those gates and waited for someone to come out to tell me what the fuck happened, but no, all I had were your words. That I was just a distraction, your amusement, that I'd been used for my naïve outlook." He stepped forward, closing the space that much further and feeling the same anger spike. "Is this you saying she actually loved me?"
When they were standing next to each other, Chandler only just noticed he towered over Julian by a few inches. Somehow, he knew the subject would land here. Their last chat at school after the incident at home. The unimaginable torture of the three Urie children and the reason he vanished on his travels. God, how he dreaded this confrontation. "I know you possess the brains in that pretty head of yours, Julian. Think about it," He tipped his head back, "You are bombarded by confirmed tales about our father from myself, you know the horror stories from Morrigan. One day, everything is fine and the next, we're no longer attending classes. Leaving me with the task of shattering a relationship Morri cannot do herself. Fill in the blanks, dove."
His worst fears realized. Julian couldn't face the fact he was being told complete lies back then and he was struggling coping with it now. He thought back on that day, pinpointing details overlooked by the initial shock. Something about Chandler's demeanor screamed exhaustion. The rings around his eyes, the irritability alone, hinted toward what had caused the haunted look on the other man's face. No smiles nor playfulness, only hidden desperation. "Tell me what happened, Chandler. Did he touch her?" He couldn't help playing the defensive even if the man in question was buried six feet under.
Chandy breathed a humorless chuckle, shaking his head with overwhelming sadness. "I can't, Julian, I'm sorry. Only four people know what happened and two are dead. It's in everyone's best interests if we keep it that way." He turned on his heel and placed a hand to the doorknob, the deja vu creeping along his spine of history repeating itself. Chandler's mind flashed backwards in time, to his torment implemented by his adopted father. His memories shut down a long time ago and he had no choice but leave that boy behind. Leave Julian behind. Something told him he couldn't do that this easily now. "Look," Chandler turned slightly, "You will never fully grasp the sacrifices Morri made for you, Julian. She, my brother, and I risked everything for you. We protected you...and I protected her." He allowed the statement sit for a second.
"If you can't tell me anything, then why come here at all?" Julian hissed through his teeth in frustration. That's what this is, a constant running in circles and a haunting of a ghost's tormenting whispers. This is the reason why he found himself at a batting cage, losing his marbles, and taking the insanity out on a meaningless fence that did absolutely nothing. It mattered little compared to what Morrigan must have endured at the hands of her father, something now left to his imagination. Just another reason he was relieved Douglas was gone. "Why play matchmaker now, as you called it? What are you really doing here, Chandler? Just enlighten me for once."
"Oh, handsome," Chandler reached out his hands and began straightening the collar of Julian's shirt with a wistful sigh, wanting to speak a million sentences and offer the brutal reasons why he does what needs doing. The mender, the guard dog, the loyal sibling protecting his sister's happiness. Even in that moment, though, he could appreciate Julian for merely what he was born with. Chandy and Morri always had that trait in common, a real taste for the attractive ones. "I'm fixing it."
Julian stood stock still, knowing the other's fussing had been a standard habit he relented complaining about. Maybe it was a method of caring, of acceptance, or it could have very well been an obvious flirtation. "How?" He brushed Chandler's hands away and stepped back while his gaze searched the other's expression. Clearly, guilt doesn't just weigh heavily, it also brings his ex's best friend to his doorstep in the search for mending past mistakes. Admirable. And confusing all the same.
Chandler considered this briefly, pondered his own plan weaving a solution for Morrigan and her past lover. Momo forever carried her shackles as a leader and guarded her heart safely, but if she understood how dire the situation became with regards to Julian's place in the dark from their secrets, she would know Douglas' leash shattered the day he died. One promised meeting and she could have everything if she asked it of Chandler. "Trust me." Trust me now like you trusted me back then.
"Chandler," Julian began as patiently as he could muster, "That's not a comforting answer-"
"Ah, ah, ah," Chandy shot out one hand and placed a finger to the man's lips in order to silence him which, he could have found rather humorous seeing how easily it succeeded in doing so, "It's the only answer I can provide for the time being. As of now, don't do anything stupid until you hear back from me, capeesh?" He patted Julian's cheek amusingly and didn't bother staying for drinking in the oldest Reese's stunned silence before finally taking his leave.
Chandler's last goodbye adhered to the basic identifiers of his ostentatious personality, finding new and improved ways earning jaw-dropping moments, making memorable exits no one could question. His mouth curved in a displeased frown as the straight and narrow road ahead veered into a completely different lane. It was slowly driving past an horrendous car crash one could not look away from, a beautiful disaster of mangled decisions and gruesome scars that would take ages to heal. Julian fought his losing battle for the very last time.
Right here and now, all he can do is dive headfirst and hope this isn't the death of him.