Last time I posted was in February 2021 from Izmir. Now it is December 2021 and I’m writing from Philadelphia. I am listening to the song I posted from Daniel Johnson...with Glen Hansard. In the upcoming months Glen will be touring with Marketa... I should definitely catch them somewhere if the virus lets people get away. The last time I saw him was with The Frames in Dublin, Ireland... Ahh that July day. I watched ‘Once’ the other day again... Felt sentimental... As always.
I recently saw The Menzingers and never sweated that much in my life. I was at the front row going wild. I also saw The Hu and Gojira. They were great as well. I was planning to see Lawrence, had my tickets, but the virus situation scared me and I couldn’t go. Now, I have an upcoming Gogol Bordello show on the 30th! Don’t know what to do. It can be the best new year celebration!
Where should I start... I went to Manhattan, NYC in May only for 4 days just to submit some documents. I tried so hard to not come to the US only for that but they told me that they may decline my application if I apply from abroad. So I booked a hotel, took a flight, got my backpack for a few days and made it to NYC. After 4 days, I decided to stay a couple more months. And here I am still. I postponed my flight to May 2022, which may be postponed again. I am planning to stay for a month if I go in May.
I’ve been working from home and traveling around the US. I live in a different city, state and home each month. This month I am in Philadelphia, last month I was in New Orleans (which was amazing), before that I was in San Francisco, before that New York City. Next month, I’ll be in New Jersey. I was planning to go to the Caribbean and do island hopping but didn’t want to take a flight at the moment because of the new virus variant. Since May, I was mostly in Manhattan though. I was living in a luxury studio on the 5th Ave, near Union Square. Ironically, verrrry close to where the main character of 13 going 30, Jenna, was living. Can relate! It was fun. I met nice people and even celebrated my birthday at a jazz venue with a bunch of new friends whom I met through Reddit and brewery meetings. I met my boyfriend on a NYC subway after taking the wrong train... He is cool, 5-6 years younger than me. We’ve been traveling and living together since I left NYC in August. He said that he is doing what I’ve been doing (moving around) and joined me. Am I in love? No. Do I like him? Yes. Is he perfect? Yes... but physically I don’t find him attractive. And he doesn’t have the Irish-British sense of humor and boyish vibe that I like. I am trying to make it work... Well, we are trying (even though I come up with “let’s break up” once a month). We’ll see... I guess I am not made for relationships. I thought maybe I am polygamous... Not sexually. But I wanna be able to flirt with others if I want to and be able to date with and live with 2 people at the same time. Of course he is not up for that. I don’t know if that is what I want either. All I know is that relationships make me feel like I can’t breath and I keep making nice men cry with my breakups and they don’t deserve that. With that being said, I eventually end up being friends with them and being there for them. Anyway. I am grateful to have him in my life and don’t want to make him sad. I met all his family. They are great. He is introducing me as his “wife”! We celebrated the Thanksgiving together and will be celebrating Christmas together as well. In order to give relationship one more try, I suggested fostering a dog in NJ next month. We will be living in a huge house with a big backyard (even a table tennis)... We will be near beach... Perfect spot. We’ll see. Oh, nearly all my partners define me the same way, “very affectionate, loving, and funny”. I guess that’s me...
Work has been... interesting. I am lucky enough to work from wherever and whenever I want. The pay is good but not stable because I don’t have regular payments. I finish something and get paid afterwards and sometimes processes beyond my control take a long time. With that being said, I know that I can work more. My time management skills are non-existing. Only when deadlines approach, I go crazy and work 48-hours non-stop (or more!). I regularly have meetings with different tech companies’ CEOs and CTOs. I really don’t know what I’m doing. There is nearly no woman in my area of work. It is insanity! No woman! Women only do meeting arrangements and act as secretaries with fancy titles. It is sad. The world needs more women in tech—especially in upper-management positions.
When I think about it, the risk I took by taking a loan was extreme. If I were to not find a job in the US immediately after graduation, I would’ve been probably making $200 a month by working full time in my country and trying to pay off my debt. That would last around 60 years or more to pay completely if I were to live with mom for free, forever! The scholarship was not enough. I am thankful. My debt ends this month and it has been only 7 months since graduation.
I am still a cookie, ballet, Newfie, and music addict. Still a night owl (it is 4 am). I am back to smoking cigars occasionally. Mostly Cohiba. I play pool regularly. I recently found a great bookstore nearby where they sell unique fanzines. I’ve been watching (sometimes rewatching) movies regularly. Today I rewatched Edward Scissorhands. I am in love with Philly streets. Oh, the Philly library has a free instrument lending program! Amazing! Brilliant idea! They have instruments from all around the world and people can have the instruments for 3 weeks or sometimes even longer. I read that Brooklyn library integrated the same program into their services. And couple more places, which I cannot remember. I was planning to get a bass guitar from the library but all 6 of them were out. I think I will buy a very cheap one eventually. The problem is that it is hard to carry big things when traveling around so I only live with a backpack and most of my clothes and books are in a storage. Do you recognize a pattern here? Yes... Sweet fear of commitment. Commitment to a person... to a city... to a job... to a home... to anything.
Let me leave with my anthem.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DgjGM02SZPs
My goal for 2022 is to be useful for others. I don’t know how... And to be less depressed... And to pay my mother’s debt and send her money each month. Oh, by the way, I’ve been on fluoxetine since March or April. The doctor prescribed me that for my cluster headaches and it helped. It is also somehow helpful for my depression. I guess.
It is raining. I love it. Not sure if it is in my head or outside. It doesn’t matter anyway. The experience is the same when I am indoors
