Jumbled up Emotions

26F. UK. BPD, EDNOS, social anxiety. TW. Also love music. Click about me to find out more.

[haithamssillylittlelife]

"i have x disorder and i don't think it's disabling, therefore it's not a disability"

that's cool and all but please remember all disorders are spectrums, and some people might experience it in a disabling way even if you don't. not everyone experiences their disorder in the way you do.

[starspd]

the BPD experience of yearning for someone to tell you its going to be okay, but then when they do you dont believe them (and sometimes can even trigger you more)

[jumbleofemotion]

To be on the edge of breaking down

And no one's there to save you

[jumbleofemotion]

Cause I only do it once in a while

At times when I forget how to fucking smile

[jumbleofemotion]

Searching for that sweet surrender ✂️

But this is not the end

[yousaveeveryonebutwhosavesyou]

Self harm doesn’t always happen when a blade touches skin.

It’s skipping meals because you don’t feel like you deserve to eat today. It’s drinking recklessly because you might have the ‘courage’ do something stupid. It’s smoking - not because you need the nicotine - because you know it’s bad for you. It’s banging your head against a wall when you’re angry. It’s crossing the road without looking because you lowkey hope a car might hit you. It’s thinking about all the ways you could break a bone and make it look like an accident. It’s not taking painkillers because you want to suffer. It’s taking painkillers in excess because you know it’s dangerous. It’s walking home the more dangerous way because you’re kind of half hoping you’ll get attacked or raped or stabbed. It’s going for long walks at night and getting chilled to the bone and hoping that you get lost so that you can’t find your way back. It’s seeking out triggering material. It’s all the stupid little ways you punish yourself for existing.

Sometimes self harm happens when you put effort into depriving yourself of things you like or need, and sometimes it happens when you don’t put any effort into doing the things you like or need.

It’s a pattern of self-destructive behaviour, and it doesn’t only happen in one way.

This sort of behavior is classified as “para-suicidal” It’s putting yourself in a situation of danger or destruction with the intention of risking your safety rather than a direct attempt on your life. Kind of, leaving it all to chance? Also doing things to harm yourself or your self worth because you feel you deserve to feel the outcome of those actions.

[becherdireinen]

Do you always feel like you’re a burden to others or are you normal?

[sa-dnesss]

“I feel like I am so far behind in life that I will never catch up. Everyone is doing so many things with their lives. I am just here. Frozen. I have been a ghost for years. I wonder if that is all I will ever be.”

—

[i-will-recover-tomorrow]

[thoughtsaretoomuchforus-deactiv]

[powerrangersystem]

[feelingsoftheday]

I will be like "yeah it's fine" and then suffer in silence.

[zarathustra-would-be-proud]

[asking-the-death]

[jumbleofemotion]

Someone at work today thought I was pregnant

I've gained back so much weight since I finished uni and started working full time, it was impossible to skip lunch like I used to and I've just been so hungry doing such a physical job.

I was gonna try and lose it again after my birthday.

But this has completely knocked me. I've had such a shit week already at work with it being so understaffed. Drowning my sorrows in alcohol and emo music for now....what I'll do in terms of eating...

At the time of the comment I just joked about a food belly. But it's fucked me up so much mentally.

[just-shower-thoughts]

As a kid, all we wanted to do was grow up and become an adult. When we get there, all we want to do is be a kid again.

[i-will-recover-tomorrow]