varian

they/he/any ~ blog focused on my BPD, cPTSD, and other comorbidities because i felt bad for clogging main lol picrew in pfp

[variansinterests]

I can’t draw but I wanted to make a comic using vampires as a sort of metaphor for disorders induced by trauma so I made one!

I could write a whole essay about how vampires are not inherent evil or whatever lol. If you’re wondering why I chose vampires: someone who was subjected to great violence and was changed because of it. They have the capacity for harm sure, but everyone does. They are vilified for it when other people are no better. Vampires do not have to be violent or kill to eat, and people with trauma induced disorders (I was mostly talking from the perspective of BPD, but others are welcome) are not inherently abusive or violent. We are both subject to stigma that believes we are inherently evil no matter what we do.

[leastniceperson]

as soon as the internet decided depression and anxiety were the everyman mental illnesses and therefore not to be taken seriously we were all fucked tbh bc the fact that i have to feel embarrassed to admit i have debilitating anxiety because people will think im just an uwu dont call me out coward is ridiculous. its insane that i have to clarify that my depressive episodes are like life threatening and not whatever dipshit dumbed down idea of depression people seem to have like oh yeah i just wanna watch netflix and eat ice cream and not text people back. like bro i think im the devil

[leastniceperson]

like maybe depression and anxiety are household names now but they do still kill people. like. theres a reason they fucking kill people.

[starspd]

in this trying time, shout out to everyone who has a history of suicide, self harm, other addictions, depression, emotional dysregulation, or any other (mental or physical) condition that stress can exasperate. i hear you. i’m with you. we’ll make it though, even though it hurts.

[starspd]

"youll always have your mental illness"...

[PT: "youll always have your mental illness"... END PT]

...does not mean youll always struggle with it 24/7 or that you cant get better. its very possible and very likely you will get better! ive done it! you can even function fantastically! it simply means the condition is one you should monitor and maintain. it is emphasizing that its important to keep up with your treatment even when youre great because its something youve struggled with before. it is a reminder of what to look out for, and a way to communicate to others and yourself what is going on/what has happened and so you can properly plan for flares.

chronic =/= untreatable! there is hope.

[loullipopx]

My Pokémon ❤️💙

[bananonbinary]

also worth noting that "abusive" doesn't actually mean "irredeemable" either.

there's a lot of people that have done things in the past that were bad, because they weren't taught any better, or they were in an overall toxic situation where EVERYONE was shitty (like a cult), or they were just at an especially low point and hurt others for it.

you don't have to forgive them. you don't have to ever speak to them again. you can be angry with them until you die if you want.

but society cannot function if we don't allow them to move on. to change their behavior and fuck off somewhere else and build meaningful relationships without bothering you again. we need a path for people to change, or nothing ever will.

[tobeahappyditto]

[starspd]

yes misdiagnosis is real and should be talked about but it really feels like a lot of yall take that to mean "no one with the condition i was misdiagnosed with actually has it, they all have the condition i have". a common example is with autism and BPD. yes, some people are diagnosed with BPD but turns out they have autism and not BPD. that does not mean every person with BPD secretly has autism. some people have BPD! and some people have both! with that example in particular, the trauma of growing up autistic especially undiagnosed can even cause BPD and other mental illnesses, one health condition often comes with friends. frequent misdiagnosis does not mean that the condition that was used to misdiagnose isnt real

[starspd]

something that has given me mixed feelings in my trauma recovery is realizing that people, even abusers, can change.

they can! it’s true! and that may seem scary, like maybe it invalidates our responses (such as desiring to cut them out) but the thing is, even if they can change, even if they DO, we do not have to be there for it.

we do not owe them anything. we can leave them if we want. even if they become to best, kindest person in the world, we can still never talk to them again.

my mom has made changes. not as many as she could, but changes. i still hate her. i still limit contact as much as you can when you live with someone. and i’m allowed to. i don’t owe her shit.

i also used to be angry and aggressive as a kid. i wasn’t a bully really, i was kind most of the time, but when i got angry i couldn’t control it and was known to resort to physical attacks. when i finally got to see a psychiatrist, in my report my dad described it as “when he got angry he would go off the rails, like he became a different person”. that was from many factors, primarily unsupported autism and developing BPD + CPTSD from what my mom put me through.

i have changed. i truly have. and that’s fantastic! i no longer hurt people. i can get snappy, especially at my mom, but i no longer verbally or physically attack them. but another part that can upset me, but i realize is fair, is that the people i hurt still don’t have to like me. that’s hard, it is, but it’s fair and they deserve that, because i deserve to hate my mom too.

people can change. but that doesn’t mean we have to stick around for it.

[starspd]

not only is it: "i support mental health!" until its a "scary" disorder (schizophrenia, PDs, etc)

it is also: "i support mental health!" until its depression or anxiety that is more severe and/or also impacts their relationship (which could even just be small things like not being able to go out that day) instead of being entirely invisible, where only the sufferer themselves sees the symptoms

[starspd]

begging people to understand that maladaptive daydreaming isnt just "likes to daydream" or "vivid imagination". no, it means i struggle to control when i daydream. most of the time i cannot listen to music or funny media without it triggering a daydream. i often spend hours a day daydreaming, and if im not at a place like school or in a car i cannot stop myself from pacing while i do it, even as im in excruciating pain from it (chronic pain). it can be physically painful when i try and resist daydreaming (though luckily that has started to get better).

it has impacted my mental health in many ways. i consume media that hurts me because its good for the daydream. it has impacted me participating in activities i want to do because its hard to stop daydreaming until it dies down on its own. it has impacted my memory. some days its easier, in some situations it can feel beneficial (though is that just the "coping skill" part of it talking?), but others it gets in the way of everything.

[arrgh-whatever]

[starspd]

the BPD experience of yearning for someone to tell you its going to be okay, but then when they do you dont believe them (and sometimes can even trigger you more)

[midimon-mad]

the thing that gets me the most about ableism against pd’s is that ppl will be like “these disorders make you an ASSHOLE!!!!” and then turn around and pretend that other disorders can’t and don’t make you act shitty.

depression and anxiety can make you irritable and snappy. they can cause you to refuse to listen to people and to be distant and withdrawn. they can cause you to seem angry, bitchy, rude, uncaring, etc.

ptsd causes an array of difficulties in forming meaningful relationships. it pretty much shakes up your entire worldview and sense of self a lot of the time. ptsd can cause you to get angry often. it can cause you to yell and scream. it can cause you to withdraw from others, run away, or cut them out. it can cause general changes in demeanor and more cynical worldviews. it can make you seem grouchy, negative, explosive, impolite, difficult, needy, controlling, etc.

and yet when people with personality disorders have symptoms of that nature, suddenly we are irredeemable monsters. when it’s npd, bpd, hpd, or aspd instead of ptsd or depression and anxiety, people suddenly and magically lose the ability to be understanding.

mental illness is an explanation, not an excuse. i firmly believe that. hurting others is never justified simply because you have any disorder.

but if you can be patient with people who have depression, anxiety, ptsd, ocd, or any other more well understood mental illness, you can be patient with us.

[starspd]

I have a friend who has BPD, is there any way i can help her when she starts to spiral? I’m autistic and it’s very rare for me to be close with people, but i really love her and i want to be able to make life easier for her without compromising my own mental health. Do you have any advice?

it'll depend on the person, people react to things differently. the most important thing is to ask her. tell her you wish you could help her when shes struggling and that you care for her and how you can do so. this will give you proper guidelines of what to do, and show her you care and wish to help.

some people want reassurance, some want distance, some what something very specific. some will want different things at different times, some may not know what they want. its generally smart to communicate and ask straight up. at least from my autistic, "communication is one of the most important parts of a relationship" pov lol.

you could even tell her that you had tried to research how to help her. if someone had said they wanted to help me and asked me what they could do and said they have tried to research for it, i know id be very appreciative and it'd help me a lot.

[notabled-noodle]

because I haven't seen a whole heap of decent information about this... I thought I'd do a beginner's guide to dissociation

disorders that can cause dissociation include:

DID

OSDD

PTSD

depression

OCD

BPD

DPDR

anxiety

eating disorders

some people also experience dissociation due to chronic pain

being dissociated can feel like, but is not limited to:

feeling disconnected from the world

feeling "blurry", "buzzy", "foggy", or "out of it"

not feeling any emotions

not feeling any physical pain

not remembering whole periods of time

feeling like you're floating outside of your body

your brain constantly going in and out of focus

dissociation is generally broken down into two categories:

derealisation: the feeling that the world around you is unreal, foggy, or just out of reach

depersonalisation: the feeling of being outside of yourself, or of not feeling real

I hope this is a helpful post, and that I've made people more aware of what dissociation actually is. if you have any follow-up questions, please feel free to ask!

[starspd]

i think something people miss when saying things like "people with NPD/BPD/other heavily stigmatized disorder dont get help! they dont want to get better!" is that when they try to, they are denied, called monsters, treated like the worst people in the world, and are told they can never get better and nothing will ever change for them.

if you had NPD/BPD/other heavily stigmatized disorder, you wouldnt get help either. maybe youd try at first, but as you are told these things over and over, every time you try it gets harder to do so, making finding that one exception, that one therapist who will try, near impossible.

[feybeasts]

Actually, adding onto that "not believing in redemptive justice is messed up" thought-

I think the disconnect people have there is thinking that when someone says "people can change for the better" or "even horrible people can be redeemed and can become better" that they mean "you have to Fix Bad People personally"

No. You don't.

You don't have to personally fix someone who is going down a bad path and acting like a jerk, you don't have to automatically forgive, you don't have to befriend them- you can cut someone out of your life wholly and still hope they get better, and feel relief if, somewhere down the line, they do. It is not shifting the onus of responsibility onto you personally when someone says "actually community and support can make people better even if they suck right now," nor is it victim-blaming; it's simply stating that hey, people can be really terrible and it's rarely because they're inherently awful people, but because they've been so warped by circumstances that may or may not be in their control, and it's both healthy and good to hope that things change for the better instead of thinking the only justice for people who wrong you or make any kind of mistake is death.

You don't have to fix people yourself. You don't need to include them in your life. But you shouldn't hold onto hatred for hatred's sake, because I promise you- doing that will quickly make you into a monster too.