At this point I am 70% sure that my dream of studying abroad would never come true. "Maybe you would get a job here instead." My mom said to me, repeatedly. No publishing major at all. It is unfair, I usually think, for my little sis to have the chance to soar far and high with my parents supporting her as soon as she told them about it (I was the same like her in my highschool years, but minus the support. It's not because my parents didn't love me, they just think it wasn't necessary at the time). I'm glad for her really really, but can I feel just a bit jealous about it without feeling guilty? I can let myself be jealous sometimes, right? It has been my dream for so long after all. And thinking about that dream can easily be shattered scares the hell out of me. I'm scared of the self who I could possibly become, just put all of my hopes I once felt in the past, and laugh at them like an adolescent story about dreams of youth in the future. I have made the wrong choices, all these years. I didn't try hard enough. I didn't have the skills and I just need to accept it. I need to give up.
But then who I am if I really give up?
The answer is, I'm still me, lol.
"We were only a series of selves, living one role and leaving it for another." A particular radio announcer from a particular imaginary city from a particular podcast had said. And I love that entire show, really.
So yes, there's a bigger chance for me to not achieving what I'm currently think is my lifetime dream. Not going to Canada. Not studying a publishing major. Not working in a publishing-related field. But that doesn't mean I let myself to stop trying. And if, at some point, I realize that I cannot try anymore, or it isn't what I want anymore, it doesn't need to become a worst-case scenario. There would be no worst-case scenario if I am not allowing it to be. I'm still in my early 20s, so it is okay to have fears of the future before me. But when that time comes, the past will just only be, you know, the past. Life is full of disappointment, but also contains many alternatives, so just let me enjoy the moment right now rather than worry about the future. And when I am the best version of myself at every point in my life, assuming my life is a strictly concave function, so taking the derivatives of time, I would maximize my own happiness even if I achieve my initial goal or not. I need to go through the short-term before I get to the long-term. (This is the result of revising so much macroeconomics). And maybe the self I don't want to become will turn out to be so great that I would entirely be happy with it. People always feel uneasy facing the unknown. Whatever that unknown is. So, who knows?
I would just continue to write the things I want to write, read the books I want to read, listen to that one particular podcast I have been binge-listening, and studying for the midterm exam that is about to come. And then get worry, then stop worrying at all.
(It's Joker's reference. Also because I'm getting a bit lazy to end this marvelously the way Night Vale did. Sooooo. I just put it there to make it a generic kind of ending. Yuppie.)
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