i loved you first
[johnyong, 2.1k | ao3]
Taeyong is gone for two months, three weeks, and five days.
Meanwhile, Johnny is stuck in his dorm but he also tries his best to keep busy. He tells himself that he’s determinedly not counting down the days, not really. Well, okay. Maybe he was (but just a little bit, promise).
During the time that Taeyong is away for activities with the new group, he keeps in touch with Johnny by constantly texting. Or sometimes by calling on video if Taeyong’s schedule permits him some breathing room, or if he hasn’t already passed out cold in his bed when he gets to his hotel.
Because of the oceans separating them and the difficulty of navigating time zones, more often than not, Johnny feels like he has a long-distance lover.
The days are both short and long without Taeyong by his side.
But Johnny doesn’t think he’s overly attached to Taeyong in that they can’t function without the other, because he knows they’re both independent individuals with their own preoccupations in life. It’s always been that way for them. After all, they’ve long established that they are first and foremost Johnny and Taeyong before they are Johnny&Taeyong.
They are surrounded by friends who demand and keep their attention near constantly. Their jobs notwithstanding, they’re immersed in an industry that demands even more. For them, a second feels like a minute, feels like an hour; without them noticing, the hour has passed by on silent wings.
When the months start to feel like they’re dragging their entire weight behind them, Johnny also begins to miss Taeyong more and more.
He holds the fort back home and herds his members like the dutiful older brother that he is, even though he barely just about manages. It would, of course, be considerably easier if Taeyong were here – Johnny would have been supporting the weight rather than bearing the entire load on his shoulders. But he doesn’t mind.
Right now, Taeyong is snoozing peacefully through his phone’s screen, and Johnny can’t wait to have him back beside him.
“Good night,” he says, to quiet snoring. “I’ll see you soon.”
*
Johnny is eating a late dinner with Haechan when Taeyong gets back to the dorm.
He lifts his head just in time. “Welcome home, Taeyong,” greets Johnny.
Taeyong looks tired, but his eyes are bright when he spots Haechan sitting with the Johnny on the kitchen counter. He smiles warmly at Johnny.
Haechan swivels on his chair and gives a small wave, which Taeyong returns enthusiastically. And then, in a magnificent show of sensitivity and intuition, Haechan directs a discreet nod at Johnny and bolts his way upstairs.
Johnny watches him get all the way up to the top of the stairs before he bounds back down, smiling sheepishly at two of his hyungs.
“Did you forget something?” Johnny asks.
Haechan grins at him. “I’ll take that box of chicken with me, please.”
“Sure, take whatever you want.” He hums and gestures for Haechan to take the cartons up with him because it’d be a waste with Johnny otherwise. Taeyong watches their quick exchange with a fond look.
Haechan grabs his loot successfully, short of yelling in triumph before he waves again at Taeyong with a loud, “good to have you back, hyung!” and then he’s gone the next second.
He’s thankful for the temporary distraction and the privacy that Haechan leaves them with. Except for an alarming second, Johnny is suddenly at a loss for what to say.
Taeyong saves him the trouble because he smiles, turns to Johnny, and says, “Wanna go out for dinner?” even though there are still obviously open boxes of the leftover takeout spread on the table. They look disrupted and disorganized, not unlike Johnny’s current state of mind. His brain had screeched to a halt and feels like it’s unraveling itself at Taeyong’s appearance.
“You’ll come back knocking on my door, waking me up later to complain you’re still hungry,” Taeyong says when Johnny’s reply takes a heartbeat too long. He knows Taeyong is teasing him, and he begins to warm up from the inside out.
Taeyong has come home today. The hand hanging at Johnny’s side itches with the need to touch him but Johnny does nothing but clench it into a fist.
He shakes out his shoulders instead and grins. “Yeah, you’re right. Let me grab my wallet and keys.”
“Great! I’ll meet you outside in five?”
*
For the longest time, Taeyong was always just Johnny’s Taeyong. Now, he is inextricably everyone else’s Taeyong, too. Ubiquitous and beautiful, and everyone wants a piece of him. He supposes they all do.
But quietly and in the privacy of their room, Johnny wants, has always wanted, everything that Taeyong has to offer. Wholly and completely.
He tells Taeyong this, always. Taeyong needs the reminder and the reassurance sometimes, and Johnny is only too happy to oblige.
Johnny gets the reassurance back that he has all of Taeyong. Because their minds like to play traitor at inopportune moments, especially when the world stretches out and the distance between them widens.
When Taeyong goes away, he feels even more unreachable than he already seems. Johnny thinks that he loses a small part of Taeyong whenever he goes away, and a new piece that Johnny has never seen or known before takes it place when he comes back.
Johnny doesn’t and will never begrudge Taeyong this. They’re both growing at their own pace, in their own times. There is so much of the world that he wants Taeyong to see, discover, and experience for himself. Because these are the things that Johnny himself could never hand over to Taeyong on a silver platter, as much as he would want to. So he lets him go.
Sometimes, he just wishes he could be there to grow alongside Taeyong. Because while Johnny enjoys being a pillar of support for Taeyong when he needs him the most – reliable, sturdy, natural-born leader, and fiercely competent Taeyong – Johnny relies just as much as on him.
Watching Taeyong bloom and rise to stretch out his hands to reach his full potential is truly a sight to behold. He watches as Taeyong gradually learns how to straighten his shoulders free of any tension, hold himself with more confidence, walk with a little more purpose in his stride. His passion shines through and Johnny’s heart grows a little more in size every time he gets to see Taeyong learn how to love himself all over again.
Taeyong is unfailingly beautiful in his struggle to overcome his own self. Johnny thinks he’s never been more beautiful like this.
He’s more settled. Happier. More grounded. Johnny is immensely proud of him
*
Johnny loves Taeyong this much.
Johnny holds Taeyong to all of this, with the hope of someday being able to allow himself the same privilege.
He’s getting there.
*
He’s finding it increasingly difficult to stamp down the smile breaking out on his face every five seconds. He’s now treading on more familiar ground with Taeyong again. He could always trust Taeyong to expect a homecoming in the loving form of his comfort food.
Johnny remembers there used to be countless sleepless nights spent in each other’s company, and an unbreakable bond forged over food.
When the worst of their insomnia would come to visit, Johnny was regularly Taeyong’s willing victim. They would go out on walks around the perimeter of their building, shivering and burrowing inside their too thin jackets they had hurriedly snatched and put on.
Taeyong’s sweet tooth was often relentless, so they conducted a lot of late-night raids to the convenience store hunting for sweets. In the early mornings, they were rarely never first in line at Taeyong’s yet-to-be-hailed-a-favorite bakery.
On their way back to their dorms, they would talk about the most mundane of things, but what Johnny wouldn’t really consider to be all that mundane.
He remembers all the times they’d talk about what their members had been up to lately. Their conversations would usually revolve around the latest kinds of pranks that Haechan, who found an unlikely accomplice in Jaehyun, was terrorizing poor Mark with. It was small talk at best, but it was comfortable and easy.
Like everything with Taeyong is easy.
When they would run out of things to say, and when the words died out inside their throats, they would just happily let the silence hang in the air over them like a veil. Johnny doesn’t mind Taeyong’s silences, because he fills in the quiet with looks that manage to say even much more.
Johnny watches through the corner of his eye at Taeyong walking beside him. His hands are tucked inside the pockets of his jacket, and Johnny wants to take one of them and keep it inside his instead. But, maybe later. Taeyong has his face carefully hidden underneath a scarf, so Johnny can’t tell what he’s currently thinking. Even if the mere sight of him makes Johnny giddy.
It’s easy and comfortable again.
Johnny just has to believe it.
*
“You know, I’m not really that hungry right now,” Taeyong says.
Johnny turns to look at him, but Taeyong is pointedly looking ahead.
“You wanted to get me alone badly, huh?” he replies without thinking much about it.
His comment startles a laugh out of Taeyong, who finally meets his eyes. His eyes are dancing with mirth, warmth and a burning fondness that spreads through Johnny’s chest the longer he holds his gaze. “Yeah, I did,” he says. “I missed you, after all.”
Just like that, unconsciously and without much effort on his part, Taeyong has broken through whatever imaginary wall Johnny had erected in his mind and shooed away the cold anxiety that was starting to pool inside his stomach.
Johnny stops walking. Taeyong matches step with him perfectly, just like he thought he would.
He catches himself staring at Taeyong, and lets himself watch him some more. Taeyong’s back is lit up by the city’s multi-colored signals of life, fanning behind him like a stained glass painting. It makes him look even more ethereal and he fits right inside Johnny’s bubble of safety. And for a moment, Johnny is so overcome with love for him.
He tugs Taeyong forward and up, just a little. Breaks into a pleased smile when he feels Taeyong go up with him willingly, and stands on his tiptoes for him. Even this is thankfully familiar. HIs hands reach out in an aborted flail, but they find rest on Johnny’s biceps. He bites his lip as Taeyong squeezes lightly, almost like he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it.
“Hold onto me, oaky?” he says softly.
“You’ve got me.”
In the middle of a busy street, Johnny crosses the bridge that separates him and Taeyong. The months and worries all wash away like they were never there to begin with because Taeyong stands before him, filling that vacant spot inside the circle of Johnny’s arms. There is no more narrow space between the ache of his longing and the grace of getting to come home to this.
When he kisses Taeyong, it’s sweet because Taeyong is sweet.
Johnny kisses Taeyong with everything he has – mostly with gratefulness and relief. Johnny tries hard to convey all of his feelings into the kiss, even though he knows it’s not going to be enough. He knows that he should use his words here to express his emotions; after all, he’s supposed to be good with his words. But for now, this will suffice. It has to.
It’s what they both need.
Taeyong kisses back, desperate and urgent like he needed Johnny here just as much. They’re going to be okay, Johnny thinks.
He’s eager to answer all of the questions that Taeyong is too shy and too afraid to ask.
And Johnny, always considerate of other people’s feelings, especially of Taeyong’s, accepts them and welcomes them.
Because he’s always gentle with Taeyong.
In his selfish desire to make other people happy, he makes the conscious choice of choosing Taeyong for his own happiness here.
Because Taeyong deserves to get the answers from him. And so much more.
(i love you. do you love me, too?)
(do i deserve this?)
(do i deserve you?)
yes, yes, yes.
yes to everything.
Johnny hopes it comes through.
*
Johnny doesn’t really know what home is.
Because home is many places and many people to him.
Home is Chicago with his parents, his friends, his classmates.
Home is Seoul with his teammates and his brothers.
But the simplest answer is that his home is also the gentle weight on his chest, with arms snaking protectively around his body.
Welcome home, Youngho.
