1. “That’s starting to get annoying”
2. “Hey, hey, calm down. They can’t hurt you anymore.”
3. “You can’t just sit there all day.”
4. “I’m too sober for this.”
5. “I’m not here to make friends.”
6. “I need a place to stay.”
7. “Well, that’s tragic.”
8. “You’re seriously like a man-child.”
9. “You can’t banish me! This is my bed too!”
10. “The ladies love a guy who’s good with kids.”
12. “She’s hiding behind the sofa.”
14. “They’re so cute when they’re asleep.”
15. “I’d kill for a coffee…literally.”
16. “You’re getting crumbs all over my bed.”
17. “Good thing I didn’t ask for your opinion.”
18. “What’s the matter, sweetie?”
20. “I don’t want to hear your excuse. You can’t just give me wet-willies.”
21. “I’m bulletproof…but please, don’t shoot me.”
22. “Did you just hiss at me?”
23. “Do you really need all that candy?”
24. “It’s six o’clock in the morning, you’re not having vodka.”
25. “I swear, I’m not crazy!!!”
26. “The diamond in your engagement ring is fake.”
29. “How is my wife more badass than me?”
30. “Be you. No one else can.”
31. “I haven’t slept in ages.”
32. “I locked the keys in the car.”
33. “Are you sure that’s the decision you want to make?”
34. “You work for me. You are my slave.”
35. “Take your medicine.”
37. “Welcome to fatherhood.”
38. “Why can’t you appreciate my sense of humor?”
39. “It’s your turn to make dinner.”
40. “The kids, they ambushed me.”
41. “Sorry isn’t going to help when I kick your ass!!!”
42. “Stop being so cute.”
43. “I feel like I can’t breathe.”
44. “You need to see a doctor.”
45. “You’re getting a vasectomy. That’s final.”
46. “I was a joke, baby. I swear.”
47. “Dogs don’t wear clothes!”
48. “I didn’t think you could get any less romantic…”
49. “Safety first. What are you? FIVE?”
50. “This is girl talk, so leave.”
51. “Where am I going? Crazy. Wanna come?”
52. “There’s a herd of them!”
53. “Do you think I’m scared of a woman?”
54. “They’re not your kids, back the f*ck off.”
57. “Just get home as soon as possible, okay?!”
58. “You smell like a wet dog.”
59. “I could punch you right now.”
60. “Are you going to talk to me?”
61. “Welcome back. Now fucking help me.”
62. “If you can’t sleep…we could have sex?”
63. “Flea markets don’t carry fleas, you know?”
64. “Here, take my blanket.”
65. “I don’t want you to stop.”
66. “How could I ever forget about you?”
67. “You’re bleeding all over my carpet.”
70. “Not everyone is out to get you. Stop thinking that. It’s annoying.”
72. “Just smile, I really need to see you smile right now.”
73. “I’m not wearing a dress.”
74. “I’m not wearing a tie.”
75. “Quit beating me up!”
76. “Please put your penis away.”
77. “It’s a Texas thing.”
78. “Don’t argue. Just do it.”
79. “I hope I’m never stuck with you on a deserted island.”
80. “Does he know about the baby?”
82. “I just ironed these pants!”
83. “Enough with the sass!”
84. “Show me what’s behind your back.”
85. “I’m not going to be sympathetic until you go to a doctor.”
86. “Fine, don’t say anything and make me worry.”
88. “STOP INTERRUPTING ME!”
89. “You’re not interested, are you?”
90. “I’m not buying ikea furniture again.”
91. “Tell me you need me.”
92. “Oh honey, I’d never be jealous of you.”
93. “I’m telling you. I’m haunted.”
94. “I had a bad dream again.”
95. “Have I mentioned, I fucking hate Halloween.”
96. “It’s Christmas, don’t be mad at me.”
97. “You’re not going to starve yourself on Thanksgiving.”
98. “The store ran out of Easter eggs.”
99. “How could you forget your son’s birthday?”
izzy806
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