[juniperwaters]

The same hands that give Always take away The same hands that hold Are always the first to strike

What if we repurposed our palms? Named each finger a virtue  Integrity, Dignity, Righteousness, Honesty, Morality 

Promised to only grab what’s pure And to never grasp too tightly

Maybe then

Love wouldn’t be a double edged sword  The same way hands can both hurt and heal

[juniperwaters]

my heart is so irreversibly broken

i am not whole and every attempt i make to convince myself otherwise ends in pain. the abuse i endured so early is ingrained into my soul. it's who i am. i was so young when it all began i never got to know myself outside of the terror. how do people overcome? how do i take this dirt and grow flowers?

[untilghosts-deactivated20211029]

“I sat with my anger long enough until she told me her real name was grief.”

— C.S. Lewis (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[l2g-deactivated20240513]

[juniperwaters]

And I think it's gonna be a long long time 'Till touch down brings me round again to find I'm not the man they think I am at home Oh no no no I'm a rocket man Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone

I saw Elton John in 2012 (age 17) at a shitty arena in Nowhere, Georgia and hearing him play this song changed my life. I finally watched the movie and the depiction of this song sent chills down my back. It shows how you can lose years of your life to addiction without even realizing it. One day, you just wake up and you’re not even sure how you got to where you’re sitting.

[dopelesshopefiend]

[coldhexes-deactivated20240405]

Visit Original Link

Walk right up to the microphone and name all the things you love. All the things that you loathe.

[juniperwaters]

Your pointless life will end

But before you go

Can you look at the truth ?

You have a lovely singing voice

A lovely singing voice

And all of those

Who sing on-key

They stole the notion

From you and me

[naturaekos]

““Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.””

—

[lisasimpsonwannabe]

we accept the unhealthy behaviour in partners that we had to tolerate as children from our parents/guardians (in order to survive). furthermore, we’re attracted to toxic types because we see them as fulfilling the “need for us to be needed” because of their self-destructive nature; which becomes the glue that keeps us within the relationship, even if it’s unhealthy.

[juniperwaters]

I just attended my first SLAA meeting over zoom and holy cow. This is exactly where I need to be. These women, their stories, their desire to heal themselves to serve themselves and their loved ones was all the inspiration I need. 

I don’t have a healthy relationship with men so I opted to join a female only support group. It was like looking into a mirror of myself spread across generations except this reflection only showed the best parts of me, the parts determined to heal. I can’t wait to attend another meeting tomorrow.

[thesnobbyartsyblog]

Now I want more than sex. Companionship. Someone to talk and grow with. The other forms of intimacy that’s deeper than sex.

[juniperwaters]

Anything can taste like love when you're starving.

Yesika Salgado 

[littleemmac]

[lordeella]

NEW SONG!! LIABILITY!! YOU CAN PRE ORDER MELO DRAMA NOW - OUT JUNE 16th !!!!!

[juniperwaters]

They say, "You're a little much for me You're a liability You're a little much for me" So they pull back, make other plans I understand, I'm a liability

[juniperwaters]

“It’s just 12 steps, I can always climb them again.”

The first thoughts I had before entering a 12 step program. Quote above is not by me, but a beloved, broken family member. 

As I recount the issues with my childhood to understand my adult self, my Uncle HL always stands out to me. There was a short time in my childhood where after living in Japan, my mother left my father and we lived with my maternal grandparents in rural Virginia. I was in the 3rd grade and shared a bunk bed with my mother and toddler brother. My older brother shared a room with my Uncle HL who was an alcoholic and habitual drug user. We all shared one bathroom in a double wide 3 bedroom trailer on the side of a mountain. This was the happiest point of my childhood and I only remember it fondly. 

I was the only Latin child (white mother) in my class and my family’s trailer was located about 45 minutes outside of town, so making friends was out of the question. My uncle lost his license years before because of multiple DUI’s. I didn’t understand what this meant at the time, just that we both were stuck on the side of this mountain with nothing to do. He became my best friend. He taught me how to swim, shoot a bow and arrow, shoot a gun, ride a bike, etc. Years later after reflecting the history of my abuse and my neglect, I realized he taught me how to love. It’s the first consistent warmth I can remember that didn’t come from someone who also abused me. 

It wasn’t until I was an adult I realized that everything we did, he did with a bottle of NyQuil or Whiskey in his hand. Even with these memories, he was the only adult I was introduced to who didn’t act inappropriately towards me. He loved me, and it was wholesome. It was the love a child deserved and I will always love him for that. I know he wasn’t a good person, but he was always good to me.  

My mother eventually went back to my father within a year and we continued our military lifestyle. My uncle continued his turbulent lifestyle with him never owning a cellphone, I grew up and only saw him at funerals. My mother never attended funerals because she refused to honor those in death who wronged her in life, so I would always venture alone to the mountains to mourn with people I didn’t know. 

I believe my uncle to be homeless since the death of both my grandparents. I reached out to some cousins in the area to find out about him, but he’s gone with the wind. I google his name a few times a year, just to see if any arrests or obituaries are posted. It’s been silent about 6 years. The last I saw him was at his father’s funeral, sitting outside, sipping on a bottle of NyQuil. The funeral before that he was boasting his sobriety to me. 

I asked him about his sobriety. Not antagonistically, I was never taught that falling off the wagon and giving into your vices was a bad thing. Just that some people didn’t get sober and some did. He said to me, “It’s just 12 steps, I can always climb them again.” Then downed the remaining purple cough syrup and asked me if I graduated high school or not. I did. We casually walked into the funeral service as if nothing had happened. 

This was 6 years ago, a month after my dad’s funeral across the country. Today I attend my first SLAA meeting and will start my own 12 step process. I don’t plan on climbing these steps again. 

[juniperwaters]

character aesthetic - dylan michael jordan hudson

[juniperwaters]

character aesthetic - connor banks

[juniperwaters]

dylan hudson

2-4 songs that are probably on their iPod - pretty fly for a white guy by the offspring - tiny dancer by elton john - blunt cruisin by asher roth  - this song

the one place they sometimes end up falling asleep — where they’re not supposed to -Scarlette’s bed

the game they’d destroy everyone else at -Beer Pong or Hungry Hungry Hippos

the emoticon they’d use most often - 😏

what they act like when they haven’t had enough sleep -Like a two year old

their preferred hot beverage on really cold nights. or mornings. or whenever. -Hot chocolate with extra marshmallows

how they like to comfort/care for themselves when they’re in a slump -Smoke weed and play music. Do dumb things with Hayden to pass the time

what they wanted to be when they grew up -probably the Cookie Monster

their favorite kind of weather -Summer

thoughts on their singing voice (decent? terrible? soprano? alto?) -Beautiful but he’s not sure

how/what they like to draw or doodle -There was probably genitalia drawn onto every desk he ever sat at