Sometimes you need to vent
I hardly go on here anymore but it's nights like this (which never happen anymore) I need to just get some words out into the universe. I talk with friends but there is only so much you can say until you begin to repeat yourself. Brace yourself, I'm getting personal. My brother was diagnosed bipolar about two years ago, I have to admit he is better than he was then, but it's still a lot to handle. I also handle him a bit differently than I did before. It's still hard though, especially when he's in his manic stage because he hasn't taken his pills. Ever since Wednesday I knew something was off with him. I got this weird long text message from him, it was a mix of paranoia, bad spelling and his weird way of caring. (We never had a good relationship, I actually envy the siblings that do have good relationships.) Tonight my Mom comes into my room in a panic asking me to go to the living room with her, I automatically think someone died and why she hasn't woken up my Dad, but it wasn't that. It was about my brother. Long story short he got a job interview tomorrow and is very nervous about it, he's also in his manic stage so any little thing will set him off. Well, that was my Mom asking him if he took his inhaler, he was coughing, it's a common thing to ask. Tonight was the first night he ever threatened suicide. He has a long way before he can really understand his disease, he only knows the basics and is still very negative about it. No, he never even tried to kill himself tonight, but there was a good 5 minutes where he wouldn't answer his texts messages or the knocks on his door where I thought something could have happened. Sadly, I wasn't worried about him, I was worried about my parents. What if he had managed to do something and they found him? I wouldn't be able to fix that for them. I'm supposed to be the strong one, the one who will be there to support both of my parents when things happen with my brother. I mean, I have. This is the main reason why I'm not planning on moving out of my house anytime soon. I know I put too much stress on myself but if I'm not here, even though I'm so busy I'm hardly ever here, something will happen and I will end up blaming myself. Thank you universe for listening.
