you do know that when jewish and romani people say “never forget” we mean “learn about the holocaust so you can recognize the warning signs of facism and genocide” not “repeatedly bring up the holocaust whenever anything bad happens and exploit our pain and trauma to make people care about your cause” and when we say “never again” we mean “take action to prevent any stage of genocide on any scale by any means, hold collaborators responsible and don’t be complicit” not “only care about genocide when it’s too late”, right? or did you think it was just a fun catchphrase?
leatin prompt if you’re taking them! leah is realizing her feelings for fatin and tries to distance herself a little. fatin notices and doesn’t understand why so leah tells her she’s trying not to get attached because when they go home fatin probably won’t stick around. but fatin kisses her and promises she’s not going anywhere
I love this prompt! Fair warning this got a little angstier than I planned, but obviously it all works out in the end ;)
Leah never liked getting her hopes up.
She lived by the motto ‘lower your expectations’ so as to never be disappointed.
It certainly wasn’t foolproof, but most of the time it worked. Keeping the bar low.
It’s not like she never allowed herself to get excited, she just relished living in the in-between. Allowing herself to be surprised rather than annoyed. By having low expectations, she saved herself a lot of heartbreak when things didn’t pan out the way she may have expected had she put too much hope into something.
She finds herself having to be reminded of this strategy anytime she so much as looks at Fatin.
The words echoing in her mind every time she saw Fatin’s smile.
Screaming over and over when ever they touched.
Because despite being from the same school, Leah and Fatin never really interacted back home.
They existed in entirely separate planes of existence. Fatin in the music program, Leah in the literature program, the only time their paths allowed them to cross was during the downtime. Free period, study halls, lunch, in between bells. But even then, Fatin’s social status had her up the ladder on the highest rung, with Leah left near the ground. They barely knew each other, let alone were friends.
Leah hates herself for picturing it, a life post island where her and Fatin still got along the way the do currently. It’s a dreamland she knows won’t become reality. She imagines Fatin’s social status will skyrocket from the amount of ‘edgy cool factor’ a story like surviving being stranded on a deserted island will lend. Maybe Leah gets a little of that clout too, but given where she’s starting from, they’d never land on the same plane.
It’s when Leah realizes her feelings for Fatin might be more than friendship, that really sets her off down a self-destructive path. It was one thing to hope for a friendship with Fatin, but a relationship, well that was absolutely absurd.
So she buries the bar under the sand. Expectations so low, they’re practically non-existent.
She thinks it’s going well. Keeping her distance from Fatin is definitely hard when she only has six other people to use as buffers. But she manages.
Or so she thinks.
It’s not long before Fatin corners her during chore duty. Apparently, she’d done some rearranging of the rocks without Leah noticing.
Leah can tell Fatin is nervous. It feels uncharacteristic. The tension that hangs between them is uncomfortable and unfamiliar. It wasn’t even this awkward back in the early days of the island, when they fought on the beach. This was an entirely new feeling. The situation clouded with their growth not only as individuals, but as a pair, yet contrasted with Leah’s recent regression regarding their dynamic. There was more there than just their original preconceived notions about each other. Now there was history, though short it may be.
It was clear Fatin was trying to play it cool, to not draw attention to the way things have changed between them really affected her. The nonchalance tone of voice betrayed by the subtle shaking of her body. "Hey so I know I’m still new to the whole close friendship thing, but I can't help but feel like there's something weird happening here." She visibly exhales, clearly having wanted to say that for a while. The words finally released from the tip of her tongue, no longer blocking her airflow.
Leah is much better at suppressing her anxiousness, though barely managing a short, "weird how?" without looking up from the shirt she’s wringing out in her hands.
"Well, it feels like you're maybe avoiding me?” Fatin explains with a curiousness that is so vulnerable it makes Leah’s heart ache. “I mean I get it, you probably need your space. And I've been trying to be respectful, but it's been nearly a week and I guess I'm starting to freak out a little.” She stops working at the stain on the fabric, and looks up, eyes shining with what Leah assumes is unshed tears. “Did I do something?"
"No, not at all.” Leah wants to comfort her, hug her tight, but she knows the second she caves, she’ll be back at square one. Desperately trying to stuff all her feelings away again, compartmentalizing every interaction until she’s back to being an emotionless being drifting through the day to day, all to keep herself protected from a potential heartbreak. (As if that lifeless existence was any less painful.)
She doesn’t have an excuse, none that she can actually reveal. So Leah does her best to shrug it off, “I'm just, uh dealing with some stuff.”
It’s obvious this answer doesn’t satisfy Fatin. Barely hiding the frown on her face as she returns to scrubbing the stain, perhaps a bit to aggressively. “Oh OK, um you know I'm always here if you wanna talk about it.”
“Yea.” Leah whispers as she watches Fatin close. It’s not enough. None of it is. Not Leah’s poor explanation, not the strained shell of their relationship. Not even the low expectations. Perhaps she should consider excavating the bar, dusting it off and placing it on a shelf. High enough to be seen, eye level. A play for mutual respect, friendship. Surely that would be enough, for now, but the idea is scrapped the moment Fatin sighs as if reflecting Leah’s own mental state back at her. It wouldn’t be enough; Leah would always want more.
Fatin drops it and it’s tense for the rest of their time completing the wash. They don’t talk. No attempt at communication past that. The walk back to camp is hardest part, as Fatin merely walks away when finished without even waiting for Leah. A full five strides ahead, Fatin carries the dry clothes while Leah secures the last of it on the branch to dry.
The pressure steadily builds as the days go by. Nothing really changing, Leah still struggling to manage expectations. Pushing the flicker of hope she feels any time Fatin looks at her down as far as she can. Sighing in relief as she watches Fatin’s smile fade. Deep down she knows she’s causing this. Perpetuating the cycle, fulfilling the very prophecy she’s so afraid of. The nagging ache in her chest constantly reminds her, then the memory of heartbreak forces her to push on. Never again.
Nearly another week passes before Fatin can’t take it anymore. The cold shoulder not something she’s used to, not from the receiving end at least. “Ok this is getting ridiculous; I need you to start talking or I'm gonna end up running into the ocean." She pushes Leah by the shoulder, with a little too much force, sending the girl back on unbalanced footing.
Leah catches herself, avoiding falling but doesn’t address Fatin’s demand. This just further agitates Fatin.
“You're definitely ignoring me, and I don't know what I did to deserve this, but the least you can do is yell at me for it.”
“Fatin please, I'm not-”
“Yes you fucking are!” She’s exasperated, the crack in her voice leads to an unfamiliar wavering. She’s crying. A sight Leah can’t recall ever noticing. “You refuse to make eye contact with me, you barely participate in any group conversations if I'm around, you recoil as if in pain anytime I so much as graze your body. You might think you're playing it cool but I fucking notice Leah. I see you.”
Leah sobs, struggling to hold it all back, the damn finally fracturing. The truth leaking through. “I'm sorry ok, I just can't.”
"Can't what?!" Fatin gasps. Her ragged breathing hitting a tipping point. The air she gulps causing her jaw to tremble.
“I can't let myself get too attached to you!” The damn breaks. “I can already feel it happening and it's terrifying.”
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Because when we leave here it's all gonna go back to normal right? You’ll spend your days hanging with the popular crowd, and your nights pursuing any party looking for company.” It should be noted that the amount of disgust in which Leah spits this word is exactly the moment Fatin understands. Leah didn’t have to say it directly. This moment alone spoke volumes. Fatin barely registers the rest of Leah’s rant, too focused on the silent admission. “Or you’ll run off to LA and move on with your new life. And where does that leave me? Alone. Again.”
“Leah-”
She doesn’t let her rebuttal, needing to fully speak her truth. She can’t stop now. "I can't get too attached because I don't want to loose you, I can't. But I will.”
Fatin slowly walks closer, closing the distance that had been between them the whole time, not just now, but for the past two weeks. “You're so wrong. I'd laugh if I wasn't so annoyed.” She steps even closer, fully in Leah’s personal space. “You should have told me this sooner so we didn't have to spend the past week in pain.” The tears staining both their faces reflecting the sentiment.
Fatin uses both hands to cup Leah’s face, placing their foreheads together. She whispers, “I'm not going anywhere.” She can feel Leah’s breath hitch. “Don't you get it? We're gonna get back and walk those halls hand in hand, sit so close at lunch it’s like were in each other’s laps, and we'll kiss by the lockers without a care in the world who’s watching.” She nudges Leah’s nose gently with her own, “all that annoying couple shit I would have scoffed at before.” She wants to kiss her, but hesitates, “that is if I'm not misreading this situation.”
She waits with bated breath. Waiting for Leah to make the final move.
Her hands still.
Leah moves.
There’s no kiss…
Instead Fatin feels long arms wrap tight around her waist and a face buried in her neck.
She adjusts to return the hug, arms slinking around Leah’s shoulders. She steps forward, bringing their bodies flush together. It’s not what she was expecting, but feeling Leah tremble in her arms, once again she understands. After two weeks of no contact physically, Leah needed more. A kiss wasn’t enough. Starved for the sensation, she needed to feel Fatin with her whole self. Like a battery needing recharging, Fatin the conduit.
They stand there in silence for nearly five minutes.
When Leah finally untucks her face, Fatin gets nervous all over again.
“I’m so sorry.” Leah cries without warning.
Fatin wipes away her tears with one hand, the other still tangled in Leah’s hair. A silent acceptance.
“Can I still kiss you?” Leah asks while staring into Fatin’s eyes. Her voice low and full of nerves.
Fatin lets out a soft laugh, “Oh my god please.”
Leah moves a hand to cup Fatin’s cheek and rests their forehead together a moment. She laughs when Fatin nudges her nose again, impatiently waiting. She closes the distance. With nothing on her mind, the bar long forgotten. Leah relishes in the hope.
