World Mental Health Day
Haven't been active on my Tumblr but I'm taking the opportunity today to reflect on my life so far and mental health. Mental health topics such as depression and suicide have always been a sensitive topic where people either stigmatised it or refuse to openly discuss about it.
8 years ago was when I noticed I became depressed in high school. I became more socially and physically isolated from everyone, pushed people away even. As a result, I lost a lot of people from my life over the past 8 years. I would often cry in the school welfare coordinator's office during lunch break and have puffy eyes for days. Sleep deprived from countless thoughts running through my mind every night and worrying about everything you could imagine.
Worst if all, I shouldered this burden all by myself and suffered in silence. I was grateful that I had a bipolar friend who saw through my "mask" and offered me her support and kept my head above the water during high school. I don't think I would've survived high school without her.
Suicide and self-harm was always something I contemplated back then. I could easily jump off a pedestrian bridge next to my school onto a highway or just cross the road without looking and hoped a car ran me over and that would be it. Even there were nights where I held a knife to the throat but the only thing that saved me that night was my dog. He gave me the puppy eyes and sat in my lap and I just couldn't do it. The pain would've been over. My suffering would end had I done it.
Through all of it, I never dared to tell anyone I was depressed. I was scared people would judge me or treat me differently, I just wanted to be "normal". It took a lot for me to open up to a few people I felt I could trust. In the end, they couldn't handle what I told them and they eventually left me. I don't blame them. They probably didn't know what to say or what to do even. We were bloody teenagers. But as a result, I developed trust issues on top of depression and anxiety. I was skeptical of everyone which reinforced the idea that made me push everyone away even more cause I didn't want to be hurt again when another person left me. I just couldn't handle it.
In 2016 June, I took the first step and finally reached out for help. I didn't want to live my life forever being depressed and alone. People saw the world as a colourful place and had so much energy but I saw the world only as grey, black and white. It wasn't easy, but I made an appointment to see a GP and then from there it became easier to open up. He refer me to see a psychologist and I made an effort to go to every session. My battle had begun.
With the combined effort from myself, antidepressants, my GP, my psychologist and a few friends (who matured up and came back into my life) I have drastically improved and changed my life. I'm still on my meds and still seeing my psychologist but the quality of my life is so different compared to the past 7 years. My academic grades have begun to improve, I’m slowly trying to make new friends and I’m self-motivated. I’m fucking glad to be alive and I’m fucking glad I asked for help. It took me too long to ask for help but I’m really glad I did myself a favour.
Today in the present time, I promote mental health topics and organisations such as RUOK? And donate whenever I can so that someone else doesn't have to go through what I did. The current mental health system in Australia is shit and many don't get the help they need. Which is why everyone should lend a hand and hear someone out. Ask someone "are you ok?" And it can make a difference. I know because I didn't feel so lonely when someone just genuinely cared and listened to me. If you don't know how to start a conversation click here to find out more.
Asking for help is not easy. It may seem easy for others but for those that suffer from a mental illness it is indescribable of how difficult it is, I was in that position for 6 years. After you ask for help it becomes easier, it may take some time but you will get to see light eventually. If you don’t know how to ask for help, book an appointment to see a GP (General Practitioner) one that you feel you can trust. Trust is very important when opening up to someone, it helps you feel more comfortable to open up and ask for help. Once you ask for help, the GP will know what to do and take it from there. All you gotta do is ask for help. Help is never far away. DO NOT EVER BE SCARED TO ASK FOR HELP! It is OKAY to be not okay. It is COMPLETELY ACCEPTABLE to ask for help. No one will judge you. If people do judge, then they are uneducated and ignorant of how serious mental illnesses is. Please do not ever feel that there is no way out. Always do know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Help is always available.
