My mother has a saying: "You can get glad in the same pants you got sad/mad in". Last I checked, I was still slipping on the same pants, tops, dresses, shoes, even, that I've been wearing for the past few years (yes, I know, a shopping trip is in order...). So, I began to consider there may be some truth in this adage.
The concept of happiness has had me stymied as of late. Happiness is one of those subjective concepts that means so many different things to so many different people. Is it found in a career? In wealth? In health? In relationships?
Career: I DO have one. Is it fulfilling? Is it meaningful? Probably about as much as an executive assistant can be. If I were to ask myself the question, however, of what I could find to do that would supply endless days of being excited to get out of bed, the only answer would be writing. As yet, I have failed to earn any lucre at that chosen occupation, so the only positive aspect I can find here for potential happiness in my current career is that it earns me money and can lead directly to wealth...
Wealth: Not exactly. Every day continues to be a struggle, but I am beginning to see a very bright light at the end of the tunnel, albeit, it is a verrrrry long and dark tunnel. I have never been much of a material person, so I don't really think this would be the key to my happiness, anyway. (Wait...don't ALL poor people say that?) Moving on...
Health: Relative. Beyond my recent re-addiction to nicotine, I would say that I'm a fairly healthy person physically. Mentally, there may be some questions, but nothing that would land me in an institution. I wake up, most days, with plenty of energy and a fairly sunny disposition. Still, though, I don't think this is the sole ingredient to finding my happy place.
Relationships: Aaahhh...now, there's the kicker. So often, we look to others to fulfill our lives and define our state of being. Friendships, family, love relationships...we seek acceptance and validation that we are, in fact, worthy individuals. If I were to deeply examine this aspect, I would find: a recently FAILED love relationship that just keeps rearing its head; a recently FAILED 15-year friendship that has somehow run its course and probably will not return; a family unit that I am tied to, but not in the sense that I feel entirely close.
I once read a quote, "The only common denominator in all your dysfunctional relationships is you". Since everything else around me appears to be crumbling like Pompeii, perhaps this is the key. For most people reading this post, this will not seem like a novel idea. For someone, however, who has devoted the better part of their lives to making sure everyone ELSE was okay, this will seem like a mountainous hurdle. To think, I hold the key to my own happiness.
The next step will be, of course, figuring out how I am going to accomplish this great feat of accepting myself. I am sure that will be best left for another day, since I feel as though I've already done enough soul-searching for one morning.
This "happiness" thing is going to be exhausting...
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