Back after long silence, still trying to process, still just an empty jar, drained of all understanding. Two therapists later, still no closer to making sense of how to live with autoimmune disorders... still battling the insurance company, still waiting on prior authorizations and trying to deal with the awkward moment when doctors and pharmacists comment, "Wow, that's a pretty strong drug," or "Oh, that's a lot of meds," without snapping at their oblique questioning of me, my doctors, and my ...integrity? Something.
I acknowledge my privilege: doctors, insurance, and pharmaceuticals I can mostly afford. I have a partner who loves me, friends who want to hang out, and work I can do - for a while longer, anyway.
And yet it all still makes me... angry. Or, tbh, terrified, though rage is easier to name. I'm afraid of losing what I have, of revealing to judgmental, pitying, or disbelieving eyes how near a thing it is some days to not being able to handle it, to wanting to give up and just stay in bed. Does anyone ever learn to deal with this gracefully?













