Dear Diary...

Just a place to put my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes ya just need a way to get things out, ya know?

[ceruleanheaven]

i am always one wrong word away from being shot by all the people who find me tolerable

[translatingpoststogerman]

himmelblauerhimmel

ich bin immer ein falsches wort davon entfernt von all den leuten erschossen zu werden die mich erträglich finden

Notes:

In German, when someone is being shot, you have to specify whether they were merely wounded ("angeschossen") or shot to death ("erschossen").

[anonymousalchemistz]

I do like that given the opportunity to specify, you did choose to kill op

[translatingpoststogerman]

I assumed that's what op intended

[justaplacetotalk]

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve annoyed all my friends and they don’t wanna be around me. Because idk why else they pretty much never respond

[justaplacetotalk]

I have been trying to coordinate this stuff with my friends since DECEMBER. They waited until 3 weeks out from the trip to say they can’t go. At least I finally got an answer I guess

[justaplacetotalk]

Hmmmmm. I don’t like this. I’ve put on a bunch or weight relatively recently and idk how. I barely eat (not good I’m aware). Not that I think being fat is bad (I have been for a while) but also… 20lbs a lot of weight in not a lot of time (only a few months). I guess it makes sense why I’ve felt different lately tho

[justaplacetotalk]

When I told my dad I would need to be picked up at 2, I really wish he would’ve told me that might not work. Because I would have made other plans. I do not want to sit at this fucking airport for another 2.5 hours. I wanted to be almost home.

[justaplacetotalk]

Biting my tongue biting my tongue biting my tongue biting my tongue biting my tongue

[justaplacetotalk]

Someday I would like for parents to pick their children up early

[justaplacetotalk]

I wish I could tell my mom that I’ve been having a rough week without her saying “you think that’s bad? well MY week…”

It’s invalidating and frustrating. I told her I got screamed at all day today (I’m a sped para) and she said “oh well” and went on about how she had a mountain of paperwork to do today. Like ok mom I’m trying to not completely lose my marbles and do something reckless and stupid but you know. Thanks or whatever

[justaplacetotalk]

Why does the dentist have to be such an anxiety inducing place. I literally just broke down in tears when I called because I have a toothache. Luckily the lady was super nice about it but fuck dude. There’s no reason I should’ve broken down like that. There’s no reason I should still be crying about it.

[justaplacetotalk]

I’m so fucking tired of everything being a competition with my mom. I can’t say that I’m tired or have had a long day without the response of “you think you day was hard? Well MY day…”. I can’t be annoyed about my entire schedule changing and losing my weekend without “why do you have an attitude right now?” Let me have fucking emotions. I am allowed to feel a way about things. Even if that way is not the way you want me to feel. But I can’t say anything because my mom takes everything personally. And she wonders why I don’t come and see her very often. Like, there’s a reason I went halfway across the country when I started college

[justaplacetotalk]

Starting my period on Christmas? That’s just rude

[justaplacetotalk]

So I know I had a meltdown the other day, and I wanted to say a) doing better and b) my friends DONT hate me (never listen to your thoughts when you’re spiraling)

In other news, I am concerned about the wildly fluctuating moods I’ve been having recently. I don’t post all of them on here, just when they’re particularly challenging. But I don’t think it’s normal and honestly it doesn’t feel good to go from “fine” to “the world is burning” to “ehhhh” to “everything is fantastic actually”. So uh. That’s something to keep in mind.

[justaplacetotalk]

Can someone out there give me some friendship advice maybe? I know it’s random. I just want to figure out the best way to ask if I’ve offended someone. I feel like I’m being cut out and idk how to approach it. These are people who I feel like I’ve gotten really close to, but that lately I just feel like they don’t want me around. I don’t know why. I don’t want to come across as inflammatory or anything. Just… at a loss right now.

[justaplacetotalk]

Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m just boring. Maybe I’m too loud. Fuck. I thought I had it figured out too. I thought I was actually fitting in for once. I guess that was too much to hope for huh

[justaplacetotalk]

What a way to find out my friends don’t wanna be around me ya know. I just wish they’d actually just fucking say it.

[justaplacetotalk]

What’s even the point

[justaplacetotalk]

I feel like I’m terrified of existing in any way that’s other than bland and palatable, and I feel like it’s holding me back. Unfortunately the fear and anxiety of being anything else is so strong that idk how to fix that. I feel like I don’t know how to be a person and I genuinely don’t know what to do about that