Read My Mind

Random rants and writings from the mind of a broken child.

[justaveteran-blog]

Last Letter

Hey, So...Um...here it goes. I am just sitting here, fingers hovering over twenty-six letters and hoping that I can find a way to organize them into an assortment of sentences that will truly explain how I feel. How does one actually sit down and write a letter to the person they first loved, to a person they feel like they failed, to a person that in reality, will never read this letter? How, in a few short moments, can a person like me put into a single letter the lifetime worth of emotions that I experienced with you in just a few short years? I thought at maybe at first I would talk about our time in high school. The first awkward date, the first moment I realized I was crushing so hard on you, the first time we were official. Those were good times, but then I left. I guess I needed to be a a part of something bigger than myself and now I wish I had not been so selfish. Yet, you still found me. You waited for me and loved me through it all. How could I have been so blind. All along the kind of man you read about in books and see in movies was right in front of me and I feel like now that I missed it. We tried to make it work. I tried. I did, I swear. If I could convince you of one thing it is that I tried. I though I was doing the best thing for both of us, but now I will never know if I was right or wrong. You know I will never forget the day I got the call. The day they told me you were gone. The day that my heart felt as if it had been ripped apart. Suddenly, my world was missing a piece that I did not even know I needed. I couldn't see you, I couldn't say all those things that I always wanted to say, I couldn't come home and tell you everything would be ok. So instead I sat in that grass next to a stone marked with your name and we watched the world turn. If a human being could run out of tears, I did. If a person could blame themselves more for not taking another moment with you, it was more. If a person could wish, hope, and beg for just one more chance to tell you I love you; maybe you would still be around to read this letter. 

[justaveteran-blog]

Regret

I believe everyone in life has at least one regret. You are thinking of it now even as your eyes travel effortlessly over these words. Your mind is reaching back to a memory, whether it be painful or heart shattering, you have already replayed it in your mind. In this case, welcome, to what has become my existence in this pitiful excuse for a world. I have to will myself out of bed, stare into a dirty mirror, and face my regret nearly every single day. This regret, this imperfect, beautiful, driven being; has encompassed the very essence of what it means for my heart to love. Her name is not important to you, but if you must know, to me she is my Alice. There is not a single rabbit hole I would not fall down for eternity to spend just one moment in her arms. There is a passion that burns inside of my heart that I beg to be taken from me. If there was a god that I prayed to he has certainly forsaken me. Do you want to know the worst part? Do you want to hear the true depth of my agony? She does not even know that these emotions exist inside of me. I see her often, we exchange smiles and the occasionally platonic hug, and each time her arms wrap gently around me I beg and plead that by some miracle she looks into my eyes and see the beauty in them that I see in her each time her presence lights up a room. Yet, she has not a single clue that this man she looks to as a friend, has a secret. If there was ever a woman that deserved to be worshiped and treated like a queen, it is her. If there was ever a single human being that deserved to be given the world, it is her. What only makes me love her more is that I know when she looks into her side of the mirror that she does not see the strong, confident woman that I see. My only wish is for one second that she glimpses into my heart and just feels a touch of the feelings that I have for her. Alas, for now I am plagued to live this regret again and again. However, I will continue to face her, time after time, and love her from afar, silently hoping that one day I will no longer have to regret the love I feel for her. 

[justaveteran-blog]

[justaveteran-blog]

Red Queen

Another missing poster nailed to a tree, just a face on the side of a carton of milked poured into an empty bowl. Eyes that stare into a mirror that has been broken for eons, a head laid to rest on a pillow without sleep, shoes that walk an empty road with crooked steps, this is me. This is the matrix of my existence. I do not expect you to understand. Yet, you do. You're there and it sets my soul aflame. How could you, this form of carbon and matter, twist and pull me like gravity? How could you, this masked prince, bring down these castle walls I have built for my kingdom. Who dares to disturb my court? Oh, but your fingertips are like ice on my skin, your lips lightning on my neck. What is that noise? Please never stop, this queen will renounce her crown, cast me down from this throne and into this abyss of your passion that I may forget my world. Why is that ringing so loud? Dance with me, spin me into a web of your words  and capture this splintered heart of mine. Wait...but no...that noise. Its too much. Its only but a moment more, please. And here I lie, empty eyes staring at a pretend room with pretend walls that can't talk. The ringing silenced by a hand on a snooze button. He was real. He was always real in my dreams.

[justaveteran-blog]

You Are.

You are the sun that shines into my life, bringing light to the deepest parts of my soul. You are the stars that glint in my night sky, reminding me that even in the darkness there is beauty. You are the earthquake that rocked me to my core, destroying what I thought was real. You are the rain in my summertime, teaching me to grow from my hell. And if there was a way to breath you, to inhale you like a drug, I am your addict.

[justaveteran-blog]

The End of the Ball

Long ago I once wrote of a masquerade. I spoke fondly of its shadows and secrets and the ability of the fragile human mind to alter one's outer emotional appearances to please the crowd. I thrived on this occurrence and often in my life would feed upon the gullible hearts of those foolish enough to be tricked by my clever masks. However, lately I have fallen from my high horse, my pedestal has been torn down brick by brick until I am left with nothing but a pile of rubble and a bruised conscience. It was her. I was brought down by the softest and deadliest of angels. An angel of love and yet, an angel that would burn me beyond recognition. My scars have since healed, the skin of my once fake complexion replaced by an all too real representation of the war that rages constantly in my heart. She has made me real, she has made me whole. No longer do I feel I must hide behind my mask because with her I need no fear her gaze for she looks on me with a greater love than I could ever imagine. So it is without inhibition that I throw away my mask forever.

[justaveteran-blog]

Another One

Every single time I watch the sun set, watch it follow its lonely path through the sky, leaving oranges and pinks in its wake, my heart sinks because the day is ending. It was a day that I didn't want to end and at that moment, at that second, those two or three beats of my heart, I prayed to whatever god is up there in that sleeping sky that I could have a million more days just like this one, so that I could spend it with you.

[justaveteran-blog]

Watch The World Burn

I long for a day, it will be a beautiful day, like the one you read about in children's story books. I want to gaze into his eyes, those shallow worthless eyes as the truth spills from my mouth like poison of how for all those years and all those nights that it was me who kept her satisfied. That all those times he had her she was thinking of me and it was my name she was screaming. I want to stand close and whisper his fate and watch as embers catch and heartstrings ignite in flames and I get to watch his pitiful world burn and stand there inhaling the smoke like a drug that keeps my soul alive.

[justaveteran-blog]

Never Have I Ever

Never have I ever been this excited for a future with someone. Never have I ever wanted time to slow so moments would never end. Never have I ever felt so close to someone that society would tell me I barely know because of time. Never have I ever looked into the eyes of another and felt so loved in that instant that it made my heart burst. Never have I ever. Well. Now I have.

[justaveteran-blog]

Some day

Oh I how I wish I could lie, To promise you there is a place where love goes to die. But alas, your heart is amiss, Ever since the day you shared that lovers kiss. This is the point of no return dear friend, And now you lay cursed until a bitter end. But I come to reassure you that all is not lost, I bring you air but it will come at a cost. The cost of friendship and trust built anew, For good hearts are rare, honest ones few. But you see when broken hearts help others to heal, Little pieces get put back, and love again becomes real.

[justaveteran-blog]

To the Hatter

Today my friends, my Alice wrote back: My darling and crazy mad Hatter, Every time i tell you that i love you it does not do justice to they way that i feel about you. Oh my dear hatter, it is so much more than that. But i have no other way to say it. The future how unclear it may be, one thing is for sure, my love for you will only grow. I will guard these keys until the end of time, just to make sure you are forever mine.

[justaveteran-blog]

To Alice

My dearest Alice,

Not a day goes by that I do not adore waking up next to you. I will never grow tired of feeling your warmth next to me during the night. My heart aches with love every time you murmur “I love you” back to me as you sleep ever so softly. I cannot make promises for the future nor can we guarantee anything for certain but what I do know is that I love you with every beat of my heart. You hold the keys my dear princess, to this poor Hatter’s Heart.

[justaveteran-blog]

Right or Wrong

One day, my dearest Alice you will wake up and realize that all along you were the right Alice. Perhaps, you may even think you're the wrong one still, oh we certainly hope you don't ever do that cause you see, without you, we are nothing. So whether you think the weather is right enough to make you the wrong Alice or the correct Alice, this is still your story and you must absolutely continue to be the Alice you were supposed to be from the moment you became the Alice we need you to be. Now, let me see that smile. -The Hatter

[justaveteran-blog]

Angel of Death

I do not want there to be this violence. These hands do not wish to see blood. My soul yearns for kindness and peace. Oh, but my friends there sits a demon deep inside. A demon that has slumbered for quite a time.

Yet, he stirs, the cold embers beginning to warm as this world falls deeper into corruption and hate.

Soon he will wake, soon he will stand tall again, blocking out your sun and bringing shadow to the doorstep of those who would harm and deceive.

I beg you, with tears of pain streaming from my eyes, do not do this.

I will not enjoy it, I will not enjoy what comes next, but do not think for even a single moment that I will hesitate to snuff out your lives like a candle alone in a storm.

[justaveteran-blog]

Through the Looking Glass

Life is such a curious thing. One day its bright, sunny, and beautiful, but you are just down and out. The next day it rains out your parade and your hat is ruined but you couldn't smile harder if you tried. I learned something new yesterday, something amazing and astounding. Lately, I have been feeling this feeling of love for a certain special someone and that someone is someone who thinks they are quite broken. I gasped, how could you say such thing? You? This angel of fate that has swept my heart from chest with just a kiss. I squinted and looked but could not see her cracks and scratches. Twas' then I realized, you can't see a broken heart when looking through the broken pieces of your own. When your own heart is shattered and you look out into the world to find beauty it all looks the same. My dear Alice I see not your faults and pieces, for mine eyes can only find the flawless beauty that I see in the world every day right in your eyes.

[justaveteran-blog]

There Was A Time

How long ago it seems that things used to be easy. Oh, how long ago it seems that life used to be worth trying for. Was it though? Was it really that long ago that you had a fire behind your eyes? Was it truly too long to remember that you used to love the person you were no matter what the crowd shouted? Oh my dear, my sweet flower, remember, I beg of you to remember that in your own eyes lies the answer to all your woes. I plead with you with tears in my eyes to please look in the mirror one more time. Step back from the ledge my love and take my hand, look at the reflection, look deep into those lifeless eyes that were once brimming with joy and remember. Remember that all along even when you hated yourself, I loved you always.

[justaveteran-blog]

It's You

You. My dear Alice it is you that keeps me sane, or should I say mad? I'm not quite sure which is what but whatever is which is what you have done for me. When all is wrong in our world and I've got the wrong size, for the wrong hat, for the wrong head, oh my how the room spins. It spins and spins like an endless top on a never ending whirl to just make me lose my head. Yet, here you are, holding me tight and never letting go. How much joy it brings me that when my vision returns, when the noises fade away, I smile because... It's you.