This is not a story, it's a voyage. A voyage inside my ROCD, and it's dedicated to all my faithful friends, boyfriends and family that patiently and with dedication are trying to help me the best they can, I hope this will help you understand a little better.
Every time it starts I feel this disconnection from myself, I have the impression that everything is happening in slow motion, it seems to me that I'm looking myself from the sight of a third person, and that I can't control what's happening to me anymore.
I had the feeling of a third person watching from the outside, a "myself" suffering, I feel sorry for her, every second, like it was the person I most care about in the whole world, and I can't help her, so I just feel this pain and sorrow for her.
Every time it starts I feel this flow of negative thoughts inside my head, pictures, sounds, they just keep flowing, and only if I listen to them they will pass by, otherwise like in a loop my brain keep playing the same thought, image, sound until I listen to it.
If I close my eyes the pictures become more vivid and I can see them in the back of my eyelids, like it was a film. The flow is unstoppable, the sounds deafening, the thoughts tiring, and the images scary; and they occupy my whole brain, I feel them like a big wave inside my head, filling every spot, forbidding me to think about everything else.
The more I try to defeat them, the more they put iced water inside my already broken certainties, making me see, think and hear things.
I feel this sense of detaching from myself, everything seems more distant, and more unreachable. If someone is talking to me, I have the impression of talking to him on the phone, if someone is sit next to me, I have the impression of being sit there alone, if someone is kms far from me, I have the impression she's an ocean away.
This feeling of detachment makes me feel incredibly lonely, making it even harder for me to ignore my thoughts. I feel this sensation of needing to confess what I'm thinking to seek reassurance, because only that will make it stop. Not mine reassurance, and not anyone's but only the directed involved person's. I can feel the words that start to flow to my mouth, to my teeth, I HAVE TO TELL SOMEONE WHAT I'M THINKING, and sometimes I find my close to confess things to that person that I find myself to stare at her, seeking her eyes hoping that she'll ask me first. But at the same time, I can't say what I'm thinking because I'm totally ashamed of it, and scared and I feel guilty, so I just keep my mouth shut. This just increase my level of stress, and of symptoms.
These thoughts, images, sounds, are all things I fear so they hit people I really care about, so if I ever had a "paranoia" about you, I'm sorry if that made you feel uncomfortable, but that is also my way to show you I care about you.
When it starts I try so hard to reject it that my hands begin to sweat and tremble so much that I hardly can write, my mind is so focused on fighting that she can hardly even concentrate on everything else, so usually I can't hear what you're saying to me, and mostly I can't remember what happened in that moment. I'm so scared of what I'm seeing, hearing, and thinking that my heart starts to pound so fast that my chest hurts, and my blood pressure becomes so high, I start to feel fainting and retching.
This sensation of sickness makes my stomach close, I don't want to eat, I CAN'T EAT, because all I can think about are my symptoms, if this happens during night, or in the evening and I can't solve it before bed-time, it keeps me up all the night long, not letting me rest; or if I manage to close my eyes and sleep everything I was thinking, seeing and hearing come and torture me in my dreams, making me waking up the next morning without energy and feeling like I had no sleep.
After a day of it, I don't want to do anything, I CAN'T , I have no energies, I just need to rest, I feel tired, my whole body is heavy, and aching. But so I can't rest, I can't sleep because my mind keep buzzing; I feel this general feeling of sadness, through all my body, I don't wanna do anything, like everything had lost its matter to me. I want to eat, so much, to gain back all the energy I spent trying to keep my equilibrium.
This is what happens to me when I have an anxiety attack due to OCD, and it doesn't stop, it just don't, it keeps going on for several days until finally.. the silence. Or better: the buzzing. My mind is never switched off, the OCD in the background is always working, every time I speak with someone, even someone I don't know, I can't help but wonder if I did something made him feel uncomfortable, or if I was sympathetic enough, or if I let him talk enough, If I was rude, if he liked me. Every time I park my car, I start to have intrusive thoughts about wondering if I've closed it, if the windows were up, if I've parked it in a no parking spot, if the lights were switched off, if the hand break was pulled, and EVERYTIME (unless I don't do it before), I have to go back and check.
That's my life for everything, did I say everything I wanted to say? It was my fault? Did I do something wrong? Did I showed I care? Did I do that? Am I procrastinating? Do I like him? Everything I do, is doubted. And this is the easy part because I can control these thoughts, even if at the end of the day I'm exhausted. But in the worst of the cases, when I really enjoy staying with someone, the OCD gives its worst flowing in real OCD attacks.
So I'm sorry if I can't remember what you said to me, I'm sorry if sometimes I don't hear you or it seems I'm not listening, I'm sorry if somedays I'm still in bed when it's 9 o'clock pm and I didn't do anything, I'm sorry if I can't study, or paying attention in class, I'm sorry if sometimes I act in a weird way or ask weird questions, I'm just trying to survive another day.
pixelskylines
janainaart
discoholicmusic
jacobvanloon
2087
baratheonpilled
germansingergirl
annaxmalina
stormborns
